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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner problems.

40 replies

Ace17 · 03/11/2020 05:30

Hi all .
I’m just wondering if there is any future for my partner and I. We have been together for about 9 months. But I’m still concerned it’s a bleak future.
He was married for several years and has a grown up son with his ex wife. They divorced nearly ten years ago and he moved out of the family home to a place of his own. He then met another partner who he was going to live abroad with but could not find it in his heart to move there because he missed his son too much and called it all off . He then moved back in with his parents. But then his ex wife found there home unmanageable struggled to pay the mortgage and bills. So she then has moved out of the family home and my partner has moved in . To keep the house running for the sake of there son who still lives there . I happen to think this is very sweet. But my only concern is that he is redecorating the whole house with his savings, the ex wife comes and go’s as she pleases, his always getting annoyed with how much the house is going to cost to fix and how nice he wants it to look to enjoy it but he’s not actually going to stay there because in a few years time when his wife has got on top of her debt she moves back in and he again moves out. So what is he really gaining from this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ace17 · 03/11/2020 12:44

Thank you for understanding my concerns. He has struggled some weeks to make ends meet with buying items for the home . And it does upset me to see this. I don’t fully understand why the house is still in both there names as I thought it would be easier to have separate properties but because it’s the home there son grew up in as a baby they seem to think it will have a detrimental effect on there son if they changed the dynamics. They do have a very strong friendship and my partner before I got with him and before he moved back to the home use to come and go as he felt fit too and would sometimes stay the night on the sofa. My partner has mentioned on a few occasions that there son wants his mum and dad to get back together as they get on so very well. They both think the absolute world of there son and I can only imagine that they are just doing there best for him how they think is right.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ace17 · 03/11/2020 12:46

I don’t fully understand how. She will be able to afford the house I can only go on what he tells me which is she has a new job now with a better income and she will be debt free .

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 03/11/2020 14:28

It sounds like at least one of them wants to get back together

Cocomarine · 03/11/2020 15:10

Oh god just walk away from this!

Whatever you think about the joint asset, the infantilised son...

Just that last bit about him struggling some weeks because he’s spent money on decorating the house?

A grown-arse man who must be at least 40 but sounds more like 50, and he can’t budget not to “struggle” spending on what? Cushions?

I’d run a mile from a man who can’t manage his own budget at his age 🤷🏻‍♀️

YouKidsIsCrazy · 03/11/2020 15:52

I have not at any point said that it’s my business

That fact that you posted about it on here means you think it is, clearly.

And how will the ex wife afford to run the house in a few years if she can't afford it now?

That's not OP's business and it certainly isn't anyone elses.

Original poster

Ace17 · 03/11/2020 15:59

No it’s not my business how and if she can manage her home life and I would wish her all the best in doing so as I manage my own home and dependent child and no it’s not always easy. . . As for other irrelevant points people post on here . Someone who has no heart or intent to offer advice but bitch and criticism. . And likes to state the obvious all the time. 🙄 .

OP posts:

YouKidsIsCrazy · 03/11/2020 16:04

There is no advice to offer, that's the point. Your fairly new boyfriend has a very long term situation with other people, that has nothing to do with you. He has a house that is nothing to do with you. and a child that is nothing to do with you.
The best advice you can get here is to get a grip and realise that none of this is anything to do with you. You're upset because he's stressed because he needs to decorate his house.....seriously!

Cocomarine · 03/11/2020 17:22

You certainly have a type, @Ace17
A bit over a year ago, you were dating a man who had been split for 10 years ✅ was still too comfortable with his ex ✅ and had a single grown up son ✅

BathTubGin · 03/11/2020 18:05

@Cocomarine

You certainly have a type, *@Ace17* A bit over a year ago, you were dating a man who had been split for 10 years ✅ was still too comfortable with his ex ✅ and had a single grown up son ✅

Gosh yes- out of the frying pan and into the fire it seems.

You must have gone quite quickly into this relationship from the last one. Your last relationship was years long but had the same dynamic a stash one.

Maybe take a bit of time for yourself?

Feedingthebirds1 · 03/11/2020 18:56

@Cocomarine

You certainly have a type, *@Ace17* A bit over a year ago, you were dating a man who had been split for 10 years ✅ was still too comfortable with his ex ✅ and had a single grown up son ✅

My sense is that it's the same one. Either OP has got the length of the relationship wrong, or has changed things in either or both of the threads to avoid feeling it's outing.

OP he isn't going to change. This is life and he's keeping it that way. You therefore have to decide whether or not you want to fit into that life with the crumbs he'll give you, or walk away. Whether or not there is a future is your decision.

Cocomarine · 03/11/2020 18:59

@Feedingthebirds1 - my assumption too. It does make sense to change a few things, but I do think when you’re asking about a relationship issue, it’s better to repeat relevant information for more useful feedback. If they’re the same man - ugh, he’s not worth it even without these issues. And if these are two different men... I think it’s useful for OP to think about how she’s ended up back in a similar situation, so she can avoid it.

Original poster

Ace17 · 04/11/2020 15:05

Hello there pleasant comment makers. I haven’t made any comment s on here since my last mistake of writing on here last year . I’ve had a lot of my social media accounts hacked . Now I’m receiving notifications though my email and wondered what the hell is going on I saw the light and dumped his sorry arse and have been on my own ever since. So please stop commenting.
Still nice to see that everyone has a devided , understanding, irrelevant or don’t read the post properly attitude to a situation 😞😞.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 04/11/2020 15:57

@Ace17

Hello there pleasant comment makers. I haven’t made any comment s on here since my last mistake of writing on here last year . I’ve had a lot of my social media accounts hacked . Now I’m receiving notifications though my email and wondered what the hell is going on I saw the light and dumped his sorry arse and have been on my own ever since. So please stop commenting. Still nice to see that everyone has a devided , understanding, irrelevant or don’t read the post properly attitude to a situation 😞😞.

So you dumped the guy you posted about last year?

And then your account was hacked and someone (not you) posted a new comment under your username AND follow up replies?

How confusing 🤣

Look, bottom line: leave him.

Original poster

Ace17 · 04/11/2020 16:04

Yes you sound confused as was I . Yes it just goes to show. People reply and jump on board on practically anything with there views again for people who find it hard to comprehend I DID not write comments. I’ve just managed to get my accounts back on track.

OP posts:

YouKidsIsCrazy · 04/11/2020 16:04

You've been on your own since you dumped the last guy who you were with a year ago but youv'e been with someone almost identical for 9 months?

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