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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP shouts at our children but never just his

45 replies

Irritated779 · 02/11/2020 21:42

I have two very young children with my partner and he has two older children from a previous relationship ages 9 and 10.

He will think nothing of shouting at our two if they're doing something they shouldn't be doing, but he has alot more patience for his older kids who can be just as disobedient/annoying at times.

I was in the bath tonight and the kids were causing a ruckus in the other room and he stood at the door bellowing at them. He doesn't do that to the other two who can be just as naughty at times.

I don't want him to shout at the older children any more than i want him being inpatient with ours, I'm just pissed off with the fact he treats them so differently and I'm beginning to think he just doesn't like our children.

This isn't an AIBU but I would appreciate your opinion.

OP posts:
GlummyMcGlummerson · 02/11/2020 21:45

I think this is fairly common with "first children", a guilt hangover from splitting with their mum, or something. But YANBU and you need to talk to him. He may not even realise he does it.

Nottherealslimshady · 02/11/2020 21:50

He shouldn't be shouting at the very young children at all. But yeah, he darent shout at the older kids because they can refuse to see him, the younger ones can't. Its horrible and unacceptable and if I were you I'd be telling him every time in front of them. They need to know they dont have to be treated that way, that you'll stand up for them. He'll say you're undermining him and they wont respect him but they wont respect him for shouting they'll just fear him and it'll affect their self esteem forever.

Original poster
Irritated779 · 02/11/2020 21:54

Thank you for the replies.

I have raised this with him tonight and he didn't like hearing it and said he wasn't aware that he treats them any differently - he certainly does.

I agree it probably has something to do with not wanting the older ones to refuse to come round. Last week the 9 year old ran across the road without looking and DP called out to him to stop and to listen, the 9 year old fired back with "I hate you and I'm not coming to your house anymore I'll stay with mum"

OP posts:
Minniem2020 · 02/11/2020 22:14

Ah so the 9 year old knows exactly what to say to guilt his dad. I feel for you op, unfortunately a lot of parents that don't live with their children feel like this&dont want to give any discipline when they're with them (my own dad was the same, drove my mum nuts that she had to be the bad 1)

NetflixWatcher · 02/11/2020 22:25

Will be the guilt that they are from a'broken home'.

Original poster
Irritated779 · 02/11/2020 22:31

Yes quite!

I want this nipping in the bud before my two are old enough to notice themselves.

My two are 17 months and turning three in January.

My almost three year old is awaiting a formal diagnosis for autism spectrum disorder. I received a call last week telling me there had been a cancellation so they were offering me a sooner appointment to conclude the assessment which will undoubtedly result in a long awaited diagnosis.

His 9 year old is also on the autism pathway although intervention and support wasn't sought until much later on for him, and when it was it was initiated by school.

DP seemed pleased when I told him DS was finally at the end of the assessment but within a few minutes was being downtrodden about the fact his other DS was having to wait so long, completely stealing DS thunder so to speak.

I fought hard from 12-13 months old to have my concerns listened to and to get DS help, therapies etc and for that reason we are fortunate he's now at the stage he's at as it's unusual for a child to be diagnosed before three.

Neither DP or his ex pursued any early years intervention or raised concerns about DSS despite knowing something was wrong, as DP in particular doesn't like "labels"

Yet now my DS has reached the end of the assessment he wants to moan about how hard done by his other son is for not yet having a diagnosis within reach, despite never having fought for one in the first place.

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 02/11/2020 23:46

Who THE FUCK bellows at a 17-month old and a 3-year old special needs child??!! Mom you really need to sit and think about your MF husband

GuyFawkesHadTheRightIdea · 02/11/2020 23:53

Those are very young children to be bellowed at!! Your DH needs a serious talking to, I'd be livid!

lousywithvirginity · 03/11/2020 00:45

Shouting unless in emergency is often more for power than discipline (particularly when it involves SN children / toddlers). It's not healthy and you need to keep an eye on it IMO.

Bbang · 03/11/2020 01:20

17 months and 3!!!!

That is disgraceful behaviour, unless an emergency (I once screamed stop at my 3yo and she charged across the skatepark area) there shouldn’t be any need to shout or bellow at such tiny children.

Lolalovesmarmite · 03/11/2020 06:46

I’m sorry OP, I have to echo everyone else’s shock at the age of your children. I hate to hear people bellowing at young children, it’s lazy parenting at best and abusive parenting that is deliberately intended to frighten them at worst. I think LTB is a bit premature and presumptuous but I think you need to consider whether this is the type of situation you want your children to be raised in. If your 3 year old does have an ASD, then their behaviour is only likely to get more challenging and your DP is going to need to develop some better tools to deal with it.

fishonabicycle · 03/11/2020 07:00

My husband was pretty similar. Never told the older two off (because he only saw them part time and was worried they wouldn't come back, and didn't want to spoil the short time he had with them).

wibdib · 03/11/2020 07:30

I wonder if there’s also an element of he’s used to kids that he can talk to and reason with - he’s forgotten how to talk to babies/toddlers so tries to deal with them as he does his other kids. Which obviously doesn’t work and he then gets frustrated and shouts...

Obviously completely wrong. But may be another angle to tackle it with him. Do you know if he was like this with his older kids when they were young? He might be someone who can’t do little kids and needs a lot of support to get through. Not trying to excuse him in any way - he does need picking up on it as it is so wrong.

DeadGood · 03/11/2020 07:39

@wibdib

I wonder if there’s also an element of he’s used to kids that he can talk to and reason with - he’s forgotten how to talk to babies/toddlers so tries to deal with them as he does his other kids. Which obviously doesn’t work and he then gets frustrated and shouts...

Obviously completely wrong. But may be another angle to tackle it with him. Do you know if he was like this with his older kids when they were young? He might be someone who can’t do little kids and needs a lot of support to get through. Not trying to excuse him in any way - he does need picking up on it as it is so wrong.

Agree. There’s a big difference between two toddlers and two pre-teens, of course he treats them differently. That said, he absolutely cannot be shouting the way he does.

OP, when you say he “didn’t like hearing it and wasn’t aware” - did he acknowledge it? Or deny it?

zatarontoast · 03/11/2020 07:49

Not acceptable but it could also be that he has less patience this time around for loud/hyper children. I think YABU to feel that he is "stealing ds' thunder" 're the ASD assessment. As the parent of a child who didn't get a diagnosis until late I would be a bit sad that my elder child didn't have the diagnosis, we all know that earlier diagnosis ( in theory) means more support and a better outcome. It has probably just made him realize that his eldest has been left really late.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 03/11/2020 07:56

So he was in sole charge of the kids (since you were in the bath) and his method of parenting was to stand in the doorway and shout?? A 3 yo and 17 months can't be expected to play nicely and responsibly for any length of time without an adult there to keep things on track. What are his expectations - that they will quietly read a book or something?

And to the suggestion "what if he's just one of those men who doesn't really do small children": well gee, in that case I guess there's nothing to be done. Let's hope the kids mother isn't magically unable to "do" them either, else these kids will just have to fend for themselves until they get to nine or ten and start being the age their parents are comfortable with.

Pringlemonster · 03/11/2020 08:00

What the fuck
They are so little ..how fucking dare he
You haven’t got their back op ,your allowing this

MrsBobDylan · 03/11/2020 08:10

I think you have missed the elephant in the room op - he shouldn't bellow at children at all. He will completely fuck them up doing that and make your child's autism so much harder for him to deal with.

How can your focus be on the fact that he doesn't bellow at his older kids when he balling yours out. They are babies ffs.

picklemewalnuts · 03/11/2020 08:11

The other elephant in the room is that two out of four of this man's D.C. have autism.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 03/11/2020 08:12

He’s routinely yelling at a one year old and a 2 year old (who in addition probably has SEN). I wouldn’t leave him alone with my kids ever, he’s a bully.

The apparent favouritism of the older children is a separate issue, as is the either one or both children knowing how to work it for their advantage.

Original poster
Irritated779 · 03/11/2020 08:21

I haven't missed the point, I'm with everybody else here who has said it's totally unacceptable. I addressed it and made it absolutely clear that I'm not going to put up with it and nor will my DC.

His response was that he wasn't aware he was treating them any differently and he was only shouting because our eldest pushed our youngest into the solid wooden coffee table and was then throwing things around and he was scared DD was going to get hurt.

Whilst I understand the panic because DS is a very big boy, I don't agree with and won't condone shouting at him like that.

I've witnessed some downright dangerous behaviour from his DS9 and not once has he been bellowed at like my two were.

It's becoming clear to me that he does indeed have very little patience for small children which is the opposite to what I believed him to be like. We were friends before we were a couple and he only ever seemed wonderful with his eldest when they were younger.

OP posts:
Original poster
Irritated779 · 03/11/2020 08:22

@picklemewalnuts

The other elephant in the room is that two out of four of this man's D.C. have autism.
Oh I'm aware of that, he refuses to consider an assessment for himself because he's so against labels.

Even if he does have it though I don't think that excuses shouting at very small children. There are plenty of parents on the spectrum who wouldn't dream of it.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 03/11/2020 08:23

I think he's worried he'll lose his kids too.

Is he austistic too OP?

KiriAndLou · 03/11/2020 08:27

@picklemewalnuts

The other elephant in the room is that two out of four of this man's D.C. have autism.
Indeed. The man himself may also be on the spectrum.
Original poster
Irritated779 · 03/11/2020 08:27

I do have my children's backs. I got out of the bath immediately and addressed it with him and made it clear he's not to shout like that again as its overstepping the mark by a long shot.m

It was then he said he was scared DD was going to get hurt as DS was behaving dangerously.

I've made my position very clear on how I feel about shouting.

This post comes after me going away and reflecting and concluding that he treats the two sets of children differently which then pissed me off all over again.

OP posts: