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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP shouts at our children but never just his

45 replies

Irritated779 · 02/11/2020 21:42

I have two very young children with my partner and he has two older children from a previous relationship ages 9 and 10.

He will think nothing of shouting at our two if they're doing something they shouldn't be doing, but he has alot more patience for his older kids who can be just as disobedient/annoying at times.

I was in the bath tonight and the kids were causing a ruckus in the other room and he stood at the door bellowing at them. He doesn't do that to the other two who can be just as naughty at times.

I don't want him to shout at the older children any more than i want him being inpatient with ours, I'm just pissed off with the fact he treats them so differently and I'm beginning to think he just doesn't like our children.

This isn't an AIBU but I would appreciate your opinion.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 03/11/2020 08:29

No it doesn't excuse shouting, but it may mean he is less flexible in how he behaves- less responsive to the needs of a situation.

But I'm sure you'll have worked out how best to communicate with him, to help him understand your perspective.

Original poster
Irritated779 · 03/11/2020 08:29

I believe he is autistic yes but he refuses an assessment or to broach the possibility with his GP.

It never occurred to him until his second son began being assessed and it was me who made the link. He accepts that it's likely but doesn't want the "label"

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 03/11/2020 08:29

Sorry typo *autistic.

user1471538283 · 03/11/2020 08:29

They are babies! You don't shout at babies unless its desperate! Yes I was the mother chasing a 2 year old and shouting! He can knock this right on the head or he will have two broken families

Pringlemonster · 03/11/2020 08:36

Good
I would of got out of the bath as well ,
And rammed his bloody balls down his throat.
I’ve 2 boys with ADHD,PDA ,ASD .
Challenging
Never has my dh ,bellowed at them ,And he’s autistic too
So it’s no excuse,people with autism don’t automatically shout at their children,or have no control

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/11/2020 08:43

Your dcs are babies and he’s shouting at them. That’s awful.

Martiniwithanolive · 03/11/2020 09:43

When fathers generally have children a 2nd time round it is always different to the first as they have been there done it and got the t-shirt in there mind ,also as years go on people lose there patience speaking from experience. Its always a risk when you got involved with someone with kids .

Macncheeseballs · 03/11/2020 09:49

Doesn't make it right but he probably feels bad about the failed relationship and doesn't want to put them through any more pain

Original poster
Irritated779 · 03/11/2020 09:52

See I feel totally hoodwinked in that sense because whenever I saw him with his DC when they were smaller he came across as a wonderfully patient father, I wouldn't have had children of my own to him if I had seen anything like this.

He's a very hands on dad, he does everything for them, he just has little patience when they get out of control (which they do, all small children do, it's not called the terrible twos for nothing right?) add in the complicating factor of SEN and it's like he doesn't know what to do with them/himself.

OP posts:
Frankola · 03/11/2020 09:58

I have had a similar conversation with my DH. He doesn't shout at our DD but he is much less patient with her than he is with his DD from a previous relationship.

I brought this to his attention when I felt that our DD would begin noticing the difference in his behaviour with the 2. He agreed that he felt he was "more harsh" with our DD and said it was because he didn't want to spend the time he got with his own DD disciplining her. I told him that regardless of the limited time he cannot be a Disney dad and it was important he show discipline when needed, or SD would take the piss when it suited.

It sounds like a similar story with your DP. I think ita quite common with non RPs.

buildingbridge · 03/11/2020 10:00

Who THE FUCK bellows at a 17-month old and a 3-year old special needs child

Are you saying special needs children should not be shouted at or told off?

Wow

zatarontoast · 03/11/2020 10:04

OP not to excuse or condone his behaviour, but I had 2 children a year apart and then another 4 years later. My patience levels with her are miniscule compared to what they were with the older ones. I think getting older and forgetting how loud/active/annoying young children are can be a factor too, especially after a significant gap.

Original poster
Irritated779 · 03/11/2020 10:49

When dealing with DS in particular I've found raised voices to be the least effective way of redirecting him, it only amplifies the negative behaviour.

DP knows this aswell but fails to take that into consideration in the moment and instead reacts with a lack of patience.

When DSS9 is having a screaming match, tantrum or meltdown DP responds by either ignoring the behaviour (which is sometimes the best thing to do in the moment) or love bombing him / giving him what he wants.

He doesn't seem able to ignore the behaviour in DS and just gets inpatient with it.

OP posts:
Noitjustwontdo · 03/11/2020 10:55

I think it’s probably because he feels guilty that he doesn’t see the older ones as much as his younger ones. He obviously doesn’t want them to remember their time with him as crap because he spent it shouting at them iykwim. It isn’t fair on your DC obviously but I can understand the mentality.

EKGEMS · 03/11/2020 10:57

@buildingbridge I NEVER said SN children don't need discipline-I've got a 20-year old with severe cerebral palsy due to a stroke in the NICU-he has incredibly trying behavior that very few can handle so don't you DARE assume things about me

nitsandwormsdodger · 03/11/2020 11:40

He should not be raising his voice to such small children
I'd be booking family therapy to nip this in the bud
Also he has produced two autistic kids, this is not insignificant event and not something that you just crack in with. With no emotion

EmeraldShamrock · 03/11/2020 11:45

Yanbu.
They're only babies. Did they split up over him shouting.
Agree with pp's he may be on the spectrum now that you've made him aware expect change.
He should not be shouting at any DC it's worse he singles out the little ones.

MrsBobDylan · 03/11/2020 13:09

@EKGEMS I am amazed you got that response, especially since you mentioned the 17month old in the same sentence. Some people like to be professionally outraged.

A baby and a 3 year old shouldn't be shouted at. It is distressing for posters who have a disabled child to hear that one of the dc also has SN because we understand the kind of distress and damage that can do.

I don't 'tell off' my Autistic 10 year old as it would be utterly pointless. However, I do give him clear choices and prompts towards better behaviour and immediate consequences. I don't shout at my other two NT either, there is no need.

I am always getting compliments on how well behaved my children are and I am very proud of them.

I got shouted at and hit when I was growing up and I was so well behaved because I was constantly frightened.

Shouting at kids doesn't work and isn't necessary.

lousywithvirginity · 03/11/2020 13:13

I agree with you fully, @MrsBobDylan. Shouting isn't the answer, for NT or ND kids (unless in absolute emergency).

EKGEMS · 03/11/2020 13:57

@MrsBobDylan I'm just as surprised as you! My kid was extremely challenging as a youngster and very little behavior management was successful (due to his brain injury) until he grew older and calmed down with maturity but the worst technique would be raising your voice to a kid afraid of loud noises

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