To have this conversation so early on in relationship

[Changedname81]

Hey, hope you are all keeping safe and well.

I am fairly sure of what to do in the situation I am in so hoping for some friendly advice or opinions.

I am almost six months into a relationship with someone. Things are going great, he’s kind, attentive, he listens and he’s an all round “good egg”. Things are very 50/50 and there is a lot of mutual respect for each other.

We knew each other when we were kids (living a few doors down from each other) and again as young adults (we used to chat online also) so I suppose technically I’ve known him since i was 9... (I’m 39)

He’s been in a few long term relationships and I’ve only been in one.

When we first starting seeing each other back in May, I was perhaps a little bit forthright and told him that being 39 I didn’t have time to mess around and the end game for me was kids and a house and that as much as I liked him, I wouldn’t be prepared to start something if that wasn’t at least his end goal also.

He agreed, had just come out of a 2 yr relationship with a younger woman who had decided she wasn’t ready for that yet (he’s 41). Like me he has no kids.

Things have moved on a bit further and we are spending a good bit of time with each other. We have got to the stage where we have semi jokingly named our future kids and discussed what mortgage options might be available to us.

However these conversations are always rather “playful” and although we discuss things at length, I would be lying to myself if I called it “planning”.

Having known him and his family for so long and knowing what he’s like and what I'm like, I’m ready to have the conversation with him about planning / time frames etc.

I’d love to just “go with the flow” and I’m sure for a lot of people that makes a lot more sense, but I’m 40 in February and let’s be honest, biology has to factor in (I realise a lot of you will prob come in saying you had kids when you were 42/43 etc but I already have underlying issues with fertility and have already had one 12 week miscarriage - not with him).

I’m going to run the risk of coming off heavy having a conversation like this but I think in my heart I know I need to.

Can anyone offer up any experience of being in this situation or advice?

I hope I’m coming across correctly, I’m not some bunny boiling desperate baby covetor collecting sperm in the middle of the night from strangers, I’m trying to be mature and not too emotional about what (for me) is a fairly emotive subject.

Thanks for reading 😀

You're both "on the clock", I know terrible phrasing, sorry. If it's what you want its sensible to be serious about it. The time for going with the flow is gone unfortunately.

I dont have advice for how to approach it, maybe over dinner and wine?
I had this conversation with DH by saying, my pills run out in three months I'm thinking of not going back for more. He was a little unsure, within those three months he got a little more ready and I actually ended up coming of them early then about a month later got a thermometer and LH strips and the app A factor for him was that he's 47, and at that age it takes longer to get a woman pregnant so we were on the expectation that itd be a year at least, it was 2 months! But that's pure chance (and my impeccable planning)

Me and DP had "the" conversation 8 months into our relationship - I don't want kids and he was already 41... Lucky for me he has a DD and was happy not to have anymore!

could you not have one of these 'playful' conversations and then say 'so seriously... let's talk about this for real' ad then get down to the nitty gritty of it.
I can't see how it will come as much of a surprise to him if you said it fairly forthrightly in the very beginning and now you have regular playful but detailed chats about it.

You sort of need to know sooner rather than later as if he's not into it as a plan you would then need to decide if it's a dealbreaker and whether you like him enough to stick around without the option of kids

Good luck OP!

If you’re not doing it already, start watching your cycle and tracking cervical mucus (sorry!!) so that you’re ready to roll...
Worked for me age 38 first go...
good suggestion there re the pill

I think you need to have a frank conversation. A lot of people especially men are unaware of how much fertility declines. Celebs having babies late blurs things, people don’t realise they have often used frozen or donor eggs etc. It’s sensible.

Thanks ladies all of you have been wonderful so far - I was expecting a flaming.

Yeah I think that’s a good idea. I’ll broach the subject tomorrow and see how I go.

I guess I’ll know by his reaction where his mind is.

YANBU to have that conversation with him as you don’t have much time left to try. You also might want to discuss marriage or civil partnership if once you are a mother you are planning a long maternity leave or going to part time- anything that could put you at financial, pension or employment disadvantage compared to him.

I’m using the flo app and I add when I’m ovulating onto this but I’ve not got as far as taking my temp. Luckily my body gives me very strong indicators as to when I’m about to have my period and when I’m ovulating (flo backs this up)

I actually got preg whilst on cerazette last time and haven’t now been on any contraceptives since January of this year.

Definitely make sure you're coming across completely serious, and reaffirm it to him. Tracking your cycles will give you the best chance for fertility too. Best of luck!

I agree you should do it. I was very similar but was 35 when I got with my DH. We had known each other about 7 years as friends, both had past relationships. I really wanted children and wasn’t prepared to mess around any more. I told him on our first date exactly what I wanted, he felt the same. Less than 3 months later we were pregnant, then married, then 2 more babies.

My DH and talked about children within about a month - we were young but I knew what I wanted from a long term relationship and said I wanted marriage before children and wanted that by mid thirties.

It was still 7 years before we were ready but we were always working towards the same goal.

You don’t have time to piss about - have a conversation and make some plans.

Definitely have the conversation, I was in a similar situation with my now husband (I was a bit younger than you but really keen to have kids). We'd known each other a long time and knew each other well even though we'd only been in a relationship for 9 months or so when we had the conversation. Luckily he was on the same page. I was pregnant 6 months later and we are still together after 18 years with 2 kids now. It's worth bringing it up now so at least you will know his feelings. I'd say the semi-joking comments are a good sign he is feeling the same. Good luck!

Yes, definitely have the talk. Just the very fact you are both having 'playful' type conversations is an indication that you're both sussing each other out.

As others have said, make it clear that this is a pretty serious and honest conversation and I'm sure you will be fine.

Good luck and keep us updated!

I am sorry to hear of your loss OP.

YANBU
I think you should just gently bring up the topic because it’s the elephant in the room really. You were honest at the beginning so it shouldn’t be a huge shock. Hopefully he will be in agreement with you and want the same things.

I would suggest you look into checking your fertility ASAP if you haven’t already. Simply because if you might need to go for IVF the cut off for many NHS trusts is 40. Many want the treatment to be started no later than 6 months before you turn 40. At least you will know where you stand if you can check your egg reserves and if there are any other issues.

Good luck

i was 29 when i met DH, i had a 14 month old DS and didn;t want a big age gap. After 6 months i was pregnant and he had sold his flat by 12 months we had bought a family home in a new area, another year later we got married.... scroll on 12 years and we are now on our 2nd family home with 3 children and married for 10 years... it was quick for sure but it has worked, we knew what we wanted, i was honest early on that i wasn't up for a casual thing and ultimately would want more children sooner rather than later. just have the chat...

I would lay your cards on the table TBH! As you say you dont really have time on your side .If he is as nice as you say he may feel the same anyway .Good Luck!

Yes I would bring it up. Don't worry about making it clear what you want, it's important to you.

Good luck OP. You’ve known him for so long and it’s not out of the blue. Hoping it goes well for you

OP, it's important to you. I think you have to have the discussion. Please don't end up like a friend of mine who met someone aged 38. She's always wanted kids, had tried with 2 previous partners but unsuccessfully. So meets this guy, he's 5 years older but kids are a big step for him, he's been single for most of his life and doesn't do change well. So she goes along with it...as her 40th approaches, she's still wanting a family. He proposes and says let's leave kids til we're married. 2 years on they need to do things to the house, then he makes another excuse, and another. Long story short she's now 48, he's STILL not sure if he's ready for kids but the reality is her time ran out some yearsago.

I always think it’s best to have these conversations sooner rather than later.
I’m 2 months in with someone older (46 to my 38) and I asked him straight up if he wanted to have children as I wasn’t exactly sure. He said no, I was perfectly happy with that and we can just go with the flow now :)

I know a few people that met later in life like me and my DH. We were upfront that we wanted children and had them quickly. Then sorted out marriage and a house afterwards. I know others that waited to do everything in the “correct” order over a “typical” time frame and left it all too late to have children. When you meet your DH nearing 40 the rules about having children are different, just get on with it!

Lots of good advice here but one thing jumps out from your OP - do you love each other? Have you actually said “ I love you”? If not, might be an idea to let that happen first before jumping straight to the “ having kids” conversation. But as someone who met my husband late and got married at 40, then had to have IVF, I agree that you have not a moment to lose. So if you love him and haven’t yet said so, say it now! Good luck.

Hi OP. I was the exact age when I met my DH (he is 6 months older). Both been in long term relationships and no children. We had the conversation early on - you have to - as the first poster said you are both on the clock. You don't have time to hang around for 5 years. It needs to be your priority now.

We got together late March and began trying for a baby in January. We eventually needed IVF (which we had to fund due to age cut off) - via various tests, failed IUIs etc. There were no specific issues for either of us aside from age but we felt we were loosing time. We were lucky to have twins as I turned 43.

I don't mean to be negative but the above poster who said that celebrities giving birth late in life gives the impression it easy is so right. Janet Jackson 50, Cameron Diaz 47, Rachel Weiz 48 - good luck to you all and a hearty congratulations but we don't know the full details and whatn it took to get there.

Have the conversation. Either way you will know. Good luck.

Older celebrities having baby have most likely had fertility treatment and a LOT of it since they can afford it but just don't publicise it

At age 40 you are right you on the clock now. There are kids of people on MN who will say they got pregnant first month of trying in their 40s but they are the exception rather than the norm and I'd say 75% of my friends/family/acquaintances over the age of 37 are needing some kind of fertility treatment now. (I was infertile at 36 and had to have 5 rounds of IVF and spent £35k to get pregnant) Over age 42/43 IVF success rates really drop - to 2-3% and you already aren't eligible for IVF on the NHS as they have a cap of 40 or younger these days. So I'd say you have 6 more months and then you need to crack on with it. Highly doubt you'd be able to afford IVF, mortgage and a wedding so you'll need to prioritise which is the most important to you

Might be good to remember his fertility is not as it was either.

Due to frank misogyny, many people think it’s only women who need to think about this.

In fact the chances of miscarriage and/or foetal abnormalities are also affected by the poor quality of an ageing man’s sperm. They just don’t want to hear it and handmaiden-type women want to pretend it’s not so also.

If you’re ‘on the clock’.....so is he.