To have this conversation so early on in relationship

[Changedname81]

Hey, hope you are all keeping safe and well.

I am fairly sure of what to do in the situation I am in so hoping for some friendly advice or opinions.

I am almost six months into a relationship with someone. Things are going great, he’s kind, attentive, he listens and he’s an all round “good egg”. Things are very 50/50 and there is a lot of mutual respect for each other.

We knew each other when we were kids (living a few doors down from each other) and again as young adults (we used to chat online also) so I suppose technically I’ve known him since i was 9... (I’m 39)

He’s been in a few long term relationships and I’ve only been in one.

When we first starting seeing each other back in May, I was perhaps a little bit forthright and told him that being 39 I didn’t have time to mess around and the end game for me was kids and a house and that as much as I liked him, I wouldn’t be prepared to start something if that wasn’t at least his end goal also.

He agreed, had just come out of a 2 yr relationship with a younger woman who had decided she wasn’t ready for that yet (he’s 41). Like me he has no kids.

Things have moved on a bit further and we are spending a good bit of time with each other. We have got to the stage where we have semi jokingly named our future kids and discussed what mortgage options might be available to us.

However these conversations are always rather “playful” and although we discuss things at length, I would be lying to myself if I called it “planning”.

Having known him and his family for so long and knowing what he’s like and what I'm like, I’m ready to have the conversation with him about planning / time frames etc.

I’d love to just “go with the flow” and I’m sure for a lot of people that makes a lot more sense, but I’m 40 in February and let’s be honest, biology has to factor in (I realise a lot of you will prob come in saying you had kids when you were 42/43 etc but I already have underlying issues with fertility and have already had one 12 week miscarriage - not with him).

I’m going to run the risk of coming off heavy having a conversation like this but I think in my heart I know I need to.

Can anyone offer up any experience of being in this situation or advice?

I hope I’m coming across correctly, I’m not some bunny boiling desperate baby covetor collecting sperm in the middle of the night from strangers, I’m trying to be mature and not too emotional about what (for me) is a fairly emotive subject.

Thanks for reading 😀

You've had lots of good advice but it's also worth reflecting on some practicalities.
Do you actually love him and want to spend your life with him?
A baby will tie you together forever but it's also a bomb in a relationship and will be massively stressful

How will you manage finances and childcare? Will he support you through maternity leave? Will having a baby impact on your earnings?

If you're in a committed relationship you need to be able to discuss the logistics if baby raising and plan this together

You’re being very sensible. If more people had these conversations with their partners, AIBU wouldn’t have the train-wreck stories that it is full of.

Have a proper conversation and agree a time to start trying, bearing in mind your age. I know people trot out the “I had mine naturally at 45”, but we started trying when I was 37 and it has taken a long time (and a miscarriage).

Good luck.

Agree with @Veterinari
Agreeing to have a baby together is one thing. But there are many more conversations to have before you dive into it.

You are definitely not BU to have the serious conversation with him. Let us know how it goes

Good luck OP. You sound sensible and sensitive. I think if he's a keeper he will understand. I would keep the conversation very much about you and your feelings rather than your expectations of him if you see what I mean. That way he doesn't feel pressured whilst completely understanding where you are coming from.

Agree with PP’s that this is about more than just having a baby. Do you love each other? Want to spend the rest of your lives together?

Also you need to be realistic, at your age it’s not going to be about having a baby with this bloke or moving on to find someone else. If he says say, in a year then you’re not going to meet someone else and have a relationship established to the point you’re having a baby together by then, so perhaps realistically it needs to be about are you going to have children or aren’t you?

Thank you for all the replies and for those of you asking how we stand:

I love him, he loves me (or he says he does). Most importantly I feel loved.

If we try and try and don't get there with a baby then he is still the one I want to be with. He makes me feel safe, secure and happy. My main point is if babies are taken completely off the table then I would want to rethink. There are no guarantees, I’ve learned wanting something definitely doesn’t mean you’ll get it!

I rent at the moment and he owns a one bedroom flat. We bandied the idea around of me moving in with him for a few months to save easier for a mortgage. Luckily his flat has increased in value by a fair bit, so potentially that’s our legal fees and deposit paid (his words not mine). I don’t want this to sound like I’m being a leach.. whilst I have minimal savings (under 15 grand) and I earn a lot less we have discussed this and he is very positive about what we can afford, etc. Because we live in the Channel Islands, a two bedroom house with a parking space and a garden is the best part of 420k so we won’t be getting a mansion!

All being well we would look to be buying summer of next year and then once we had a base hopefully we can start trying.

I get three months full paid maternity leave and three months half pay (the savings I have would cover this and more) and I’ve been in my job 11 years so there is a lot of security, even in these unsettling times.

Thanks for the replies so far. You’ve been wonderful and very positive

Definitely have the conversation, in a more serious way. Are you scared of his response to the real conversation? Sounds to me like you are both on the same page.
Also, as a fellow 39 year old who desperately wants a second and after 4 miscarriages I wouldn't wait until next summer. It could take ages to conceive and have a successful pregnancy, harsh but true. Likewise it could happen straight away but sounds like you're already in a great position for that - kids need very little room until they're mobile really. All the best

I’m not scared at all of the conversation - I’m scared of coming across as a crazy bunny boiler (but I think that’s something that I’ve been conditioned to feel in past relationships etc )but I know in my heart of hearts we started this on the right foot with him knowing how I felt ... and him agreeing that he wanted the same thing.

I’m actually quite excited to have the conversation now I’ve slept on it. Because hopefully it will mean going forward in a really positive way

How did it go @Changedname81 ??

In the circumstances, and given that you've already played around the subject I don't think you're unreasonable at all. DP and I are also 'on the clock' and had a similar conversation about 4 months in; we were already living together at that point due to lockdown.

Best case scenario he's on the same page and you can start planning your futures out sooner rather than later. Worst case he's not and freaks out, well you won't have wasted any more time on him.

Good luck x

I agree with everyone who says don’t waste any time. You won’t know till you start to try, you might be one of the lucky one, but speaking as someone who started TTC at 37 and is still at it now age 40, it’s better to start if you know you do want kids. Good luck!

I think that conversation is extremely important to have! Both partners should have the same view, regardless of what it is.

Had it with DH in the first few months of relationship (in our 20s). Marriage, children and adoption!!! Don't forget to discuss your views on adoption.

Yanbu

I did this on a slightly longer time scale. My husband is now 30 I am 38!
We met in autumn 17 and I laid out the facts on date 3 or 4.
He moved in with me summer '18 (after 9 months). In 2019 we bought a house and got engaged. We got married this sept and now trying for a baby.

I think talking about what will happen before it starts happening helps everyone. Both of us wanted this but the timings were fairly snappy and at different times both of us got a little freaked out even though we wanted to.

Agree with the others on ease of baby being a bit of a lie.
I know 4 couples mid-late 30s all trying with zero luck.
1 is on 2nd round ivf.
2 are about to start ivf
4th couple are giving it another year (its been over a year already) they are 31.

Good luck

Update for those who care

We had a fab chat. Turns out he deffo wants the same as me so the plan is to have his house on the market in January with a view to hopefully him selling / us buying by Easter / summer (conveyance is a 6 week process here)

We will then go and have a fertility check - Wessex Fertility do a joint male and female one for about 700 pounds ( we have to use them as we are in the Channel Islands). I also have another fertility issue which needs to be taken into consideration, but we both agreed we would stop being “careful” (we aren’t being particularly careful) from after Christmas because then if we haven’t conceived before the “planned” time then we can let the specialist know we have been trying for 6 or so months and see what we can do to take it further after the fertility test.

I feel good and positive now there is a plan.

Thanks for all your kind words x

Lovely update OP.

Sometimes it’s just the right person at the right time and everything just slots into place. It doesn’t have to be the 2 years dating, 2 years engaged, first living together, then marriage, then babies..... everyone’s love story is different.

I was pregnant the first month of trying with DP, we’d been together 8 months at that point. We’re now 2 kids in and very very happy. (Both mid / late 30s when we met)

All the best!