Not as committed to the marriage due to not merging finances?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Had an interesting discussion with my husband last night. For background, we're both on our second marriages. Married 2.5 years, together 8. I have one child and he has two. We don't have kids together.

Further background. My ex was very controlling with money and when we split I bought a house with my divorce settlement and was very happily financially independent for a couple of years before I met husband no 2. Financial independence is VERY important to me.

My husband moved into my house and sold his when we got married and we each pay half of everything. We earn around the same. I'm very keen not to completely merge finances as I want to retain some independence. He thinks this is a sign of me not being as committed to the marriage as he is. I disagree.

To be clear, he doesn't try to control what I spend money on in any way. So I'm not sure why it matters to him that we haven't completely merged our finances. He also thinks it's odd that I want my daughter to inherit everything I have, and that we won't simply split everything 3 ways between the 3 kids.

Not sure which one of us is being unreasonable and would be interested to hear your views.

Merging finances is not the only way. I know many people who didn't and don't. My parents never did, at any time in their 52 year marriage. And it has nothing to do with how committed people are to a marriage.

I feel the same way as you. I'm a single parent, I own my own house. If I ever get into another relationship, I want my DS to inherit everything I've worked for on my own, not a man.

Its not that one way is the right way, the point is that you're meant to be on the same page. Didn't this all get decided before you married, if it was so important to you? Why is it an issue now?

Have you made a will Chocolate?

I would seek legal advice on this as your DH may have a claim on your estate because of your marriage

I 100%agree, i dont see why anyone would fully merge finances, its so risky.

Seperate account and a seperate savings, anything joint can be cleaned out by either party!

If financial independence was important to you, you should never have gotten married again
He will now be entitled to half your house in the event of a split. I would also check to see that you can actually cut him out of your will as where I am from you cannot disinherit you spouse.

I didn't see the bit about inheriting. No, you've not long been married, so I wouldn't be simply splitting 3 ways. His money can go to his DC and your money to your DC. I'm assuming the house is owned as joint tenants, in this case.

Second marriages when you already have children are different. If DH and I separated I wound never combine assets with anyone else. I certainly wouldn't trust anyone to make sure my children got their inheritance if I was to die first.

To be honest it does show a different level of commitment to a second marriage, but I would have thought any parent would look out for their children.

I think there are degrees of financial interdependence here. I would think it was odd to have completely separate finances and there are some people who keep very close track of who paid for what and it's very tit for tat - much like you'd imagine it would would be with a friend, for example. I pay for this, you have to pay for that, constant checking that everyone is pulling their own weight, etc. I don't think that's very healthy, but that doesn't sound like what you're describing.

What sort of joint finances do you have? Dh and I (2 dc, both of whom are ours, no previous marriages) have a joint account for our joint expenses (house, kids, utilities, food shopping, holidays, etc.). But we have always had our own personal accounts. I have no idea what's in his personal account or what he spends his money on, and he has no idea what's in mine, etc. I like that. We both have financial independence and we aren't in each others pockets, but for the ease of managing household and family expenses, we do have a joint account.

As for inheritances, I think there's no right answer there and it probably depends on how old your children are, what sort of inheritance they would expect from their other parents and how closely your finances are merged. MIL (dh's mum) re-married, she has set up her will so that everything that is hers will be inherited by dh and his brother. Her partner doesn't own a house, and his dc will only inherit what he has to leave them, so it's completely separate. But they married when older, all dc were grown, dh's dad died young, so she's the only family he has really.

If your dc are all young and you are raising them together and there aren't other parents involved, then it may make more sense for you to figure out how you would write a will such that they were treated more equally, if you see them all equally as your collective children. Realistically though, if your finances are generally separate, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for your will to be joint. But obviously a lot could change as you get older and it can be something you re-visit then.

Difficult one, I think it depends what you/he mean by 'completely merging finances' - would having a joint bank account from which bills, spending money etc are taken (and to which you contribute equally) be enough for him - as to me that isn't a total merger (as you'd keep your own current accounts for personal spending etc)? What is it that makes you feel as though you do (or don't) have financial independence - again for me where your day to day money physically sits is really quite unimportant, lots of people say having their own current account in their own name (not joint) and where their salary/income is paid into is super important to them but in the modern era it's extremely easy to open, close and transfer current accounts so that's the least of it really (leaving aside situations of financial abuse, coercive control etc which of course are different). And of course you are married, live together and share living expenses so quite a substantial part of your finances are already joint whether either of you feel as though they are or not...

How do you currently make decisions on savings and major expenditure e.g. on holidays, cars, home improvements etc? To me it's more important how decisions are made and shared attitudes to money than where the cash is physically kept. I'd guess you'd say my DH and I have separate finances as other than a joint account for bills everything is held in our own names including savings, but mentally/emotionally I would say we have merged because we make all decisions together and treat each others money as our own. I guess an interesting question would be if either of you had a drop in income would the other automatically expect to 'cover' that person's share of the bills/increase their own contribution to expenses, or would they expect the other person to meet the shortfall through savings or reducing their own expenditure somehow? Would it make a difference if the drop in income was voluntary, due to wanting to change career/retrain/work less, as opposed to sickness or being made redundant, and if it was the former, would you expect that to be a jointly made decision or something one partner could unilaterally decide to do? I think the answers to that would say a lot about whether your finances are truly joint regardless of the mechanics of who pays for what, and regardless of the answer if you aren't both on the same page you have a big issue!

Re the inheritance, I think it's pretty normal to want to leave your 'share' to your child and not step children, as presumably your DC has a father they will inherit from and your step DC likewise have a mother? Leaving aside unusual situations like an enormous discrepancy in income meaning one sibling would be a millionaire and the others left penniless, or where there are special needs meaning one child needs care/support for life, your proposal seems fair to me there, but again your DH doesn't seem to me to be so hugely unreasonable it's not worthy of discussion and seeing each other's viewpoint as I am sure you can both find supporters on either side of the debate and of course it has the potential to become hugely emotional...

also thinks it's odd that I want my daughter to inherit everything I have, and that we won't simply split everything 3 ways between the 3 kids.

no, your DD should inherit from you and his DC inherit from his side

If your dc are all young and you are raising them together and there aren't other parents involved, then it may make more sense for you to figure out how you would write a will such that they were treated more equally, if you see them all equally as your collective children. Realistically though, if your finances are generally separate, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense for your will to be joint. But obviously a lot could change as you get older and it can be something you re-visit then.

But they're not our collective children thigh. His kids are his, and my daughter is mine.

We have no joint finances at all. House is in my name, but he pays half of mortgage and other household expenses. The kids are 19, 17 and 13.

The conversation came up because I was talking about my daughter going to uni and how much I expected to be funding her through it. He expected that I should discuss it with him. But I said that if it doesn't impact on me being able to continue to pay for what I do now for the house etc, it's not really his business.

What did he do with the money he got from the sale of his house?

Is it invested in his name only?

As your married he will be entitled to 50:50 anyway.

OP if he is paying part of the mortgage he has a claim on the property!!

He had a lot less capital in his house. He paid an amount off my mortgage, paid largely for our wedding and put an amount in savings in his own name.

Obviously if we had to split the house I would take into account what he has paid for.

He is broadly on board with what I'm proposing re inheritance but just seems a bit uncomfortable about it. The bottom line is that I don't think his kids should inherit from me.

He also thinks it's odd that I want my daughter to inherit everything I have, and that we won't simply split everything 3 ways between the 3 kids.

Well he would say that, wouldn't he?

Do you consider yourself their mum? If not then why would you leave them your hard-earned money?

Of course he thinks his kids should inherit from you - it would benefit his children to the detriment of your daughter.

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd agree to that.

@HaudYerWheeshtBawbag

As your married he will be entitled to 50:50 anyway.

That's not necessarily true, 50:50 is a starting point for financial split on divorce but courts (if it gets that far) take into account the length of the marriage, what assets each party brought into the marriage, the needs of any minor children and also the needs of each party.

But it does sound OP as though really you aren't treating this as a marriage financially - I know you don't have to say 'with all my worldly good I thee endow' as a vow any more but it is still a core aspect of the marriage contract that assets and income become joint when you get married - obviously if both of you decide that's not how you want it to be then fine but if it wasn't discussed between you before marriage (why not though??) then I can understand why your DH feels the way he does - it probably would be normal to discuss things like supporting your DD through university with your partner - not to ask permission per se but to discuss how this impacts your life in other ways. Of course you are unlikely to stop paying the mortgage because of supporting your DD but presumably the money you are going to spend on her would have gone somewhere else - into pension, rainy day savings, new car, home improvements, other investments? So although on a daily basis your plan to support DD won't impact your DH, long-term it might do - so it seems courteous to at least discuss it with him, and to expect him to do the same with any major expenditure e.g. on his children?

BTW I can totally understand how you feel and in fact because of similar experiences in the past DH and I actually avoided getting married for many many years, precisely because we didn't want to merge finances. But the difference was we were both in agreement and felt the same way about it, and kept it under discussion so if things did change we were able to review (as in fact it did later on)...

I don't think not wanting to merge finances necessarily makes you less committed. However the issue of wills and children should have been discussed long before now and it's an issue that you're not on the same page. You may also struggle to keep things as separate as you'd like if you split up. In your shoes I'm not sure I would have chosen to get married.

I think that inheritances and merging of finances can get very complicated when people are on second marriages/marriages later in life, and there are children from previous marriages, assets brought from earlier in life that people may want to protect - basically I’m saying that in your circumstances I can easily see that things have the potential to get knotty with forethought and it’s not as simple as merging everything and splitting everything 3 ways between the surviving children.

You are married. He has paid into your mortgage. He has a claim on your house. Basically he put his property into your house.

Really you needed to have discussed this prior to him doing that. Prior to your getting married too.

Actually Id be thinking exactly the same as him. He threw his lot in with you. You seem to be thinking as an unmarried girlfriend not a wife

DH and I have never had a joint account. I will leave everything to him and he me, the children will get anything that’s left when we have both gone.

You are married. He has paid into your mortgage. He has a claim on your house. Basically he put his property into your house.

So he paid £13k off my mortgage at a time when the equity I had in the house was around £200k. I don't deny that he has some claim on the house, but he doesn't have the right to claim half based on those numbers.

Well if he's contributed towards the mortgage then regardless of who technically owns it he has an entitlement to it. That's the key thing you need to discuss ASAP - before you get run over by a bus and he makes a claim to your estate.

He needs to be listed as joint owner, as tenants in common rather than joint tenants, in a proportion that reflects what you have each put in. You can then leave your share to your dd in your will, with a lifetime interest for him, and he can leave his share to his dcs, with a lifetime interest for you.