Not as committed to the marriage due to not merging finances?

[chocolatesaltyballs22]

Had an interesting discussion with my husband last night. For background, we're both on our second marriages. Married 2.5 years, together 8. I have one child and he has two. We don't have kids together.

Further background. My ex was very controlling with money and when we split I bought a house with my divorce settlement and was very happily financially independent for a couple of years before I met husband no 2. Financial independence is VERY important to me.

My husband moved into my house and sold his when we got married and we each pay half of everything. We earn around the same. I'm very keen not to completely merge finances as I want to retain some independence. He thinks this is a sign of me not being as committed to the marriage as he is. I disagree.

To be clear, he doesn't try to control what I spend money on in any way. So I'm not sure why it matters to him that we haven't completely merged our finances. He also thinks it's odd that I want my daughter to inherit everything I have, and that we won't simply split everything 3 ways between the 3 kids.

Not sure which one of us is being unreasonable and would be interested to hear your views.

It sounds like he has contributed capital to your house, which muddles things. You might have everything in one name or the other, but if you were to divorce the house would probably be seen as a joint asset. Don't underestimate his contribution to the household and the likelihood of being awarded capital to buy a house just because your name is on the title deeds.

You need to consider what you want to be in your will - would you leave everything to him or not? Eg if you had mirror wills that left everything to each other, then half to your daughter and half split between his kids would you and he think that was fair or unfair? Would you trust each other to honour it or leave everything to their own kids? These are important conversations.

I agree with you in principle though - why should you make provision for his nearly adult kids?

This is the issue of marriage when you’re the one with the assets.

My Dh came into it with nothing. 20 years later he probably does have a claim on my house and assets, despite me paying all bills, mortgage etc.

I will leave everything to our children, dh will have a life interest in the house.

His kids from his first marriage should inherit the house he bought with his ex, if she chooses to leave it to them.

The way I see it both sets of kids inherit from their mothers. Dh has nothing to leave any of them, what he does have is equally split between all.

I do wonder if his kids would challenge my will for their share of “his” half.

If he's put money into the house and pays half the mortgage then I hope you took proper legal advice on how to protect you both before you did that?

@chocolatesaltyballs22

You desperately need to get independent legal advice. The normal way for married people to hold property is as "joint tenants". This means that when one party dies the other gets the house by "survivorship". Neither of you can vary this by a will. The other way to hold property is "tenants in common" where the parties agree to split the house in an agreed percentage [say 70% to you 30% to him]. That percentage can be left to someone else in a will. It is complex and as I say "take legal advice". For most people the house is the major part of their assets

Thank you @Thelittleweasel, that's helpful. I will get some legal advice.

[quote Thelittleweasel]@chocolatesaltyballs22

You desperately need to get independent legal advice. The normal way for married people to hold property is as "joint tenants". This means that when one party dies the other gets the house by "survivorship". Neither of you can vary this by a will. The other way to hold property is "tenants in common" where the parties agree to split the house in an agreed percentage [say 70% to you 30% to him]. That percentage can be left to someone else in a will. It is complex and as I say "take legal advice". For most people the house is the major part of their assets[/quote]
This is how DP and I own our house - he has a DD from a previous relationship and had a much larger chunk of money to put down as a deposit when we bought. We own the house as tenants in common with each deposit amount ring fenced. Since we pay all bills and mortgage 50/50, we agreed that we would split any increase in value equally (despite the fact that he put in 3x as much as I did as a deposit).
We have since formed a civil partnership (legally basically the same as being married!) and were advised to make our wills after doing so- his share of the house is going to his DD and mine to my DB's children (I have none of my own and the deposit came from my father's estate, so it feels fair to keep it his his family!)
We were told that marriage/civil partnership would render any previous wills or documents invalid and were advised that we should update these documents after forming the CP.

Neither of you is unreasonable. The problem is that you are of two different minds about how finances should be dealt with in the marriage. You will need to take legal advice and have open communication with him to decide options that you can both live with. I will say that for university costs, as they are high in the U.K. that is something you should discuss with him even if you are completely funding the costs yourself. It still affects you as a family unit. Even if it’s how to handle his DC and how much he supports them at university.
Not communicating and saying “it’s none of his business” is the worst choice.

If you die do you really want your dh to lose his home with all your joint memories in that period of grief? I could never do that to my dh.

I do understand wanting to leave stuff to your child rather than his but please be careful about what that would mean for your dh. You may want to ensure he can live in the house as long as he wants (or till he dies) before the financial value passes to your dc.

I also think you should probably accept and explain that because of your previous bad experiences you are now a bit controlling about YOUR OWN money. I totally understand why you are and I would hope your dh would understand too if you admit it and explain it.

Of course I wouldn't want to see him thrown out of the house if I died. But it sounds like there are ways of writing our wills such that that wouldn't happen.

There might also be a scenario that if you die first he may remarry (that person may have kids etc etc). It's complicated.

Yep I know I'm controlling when it comes to my money @museumum. And he knows why I am. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing to plan for the future.

I kind of agree with your dh - when you marry, you are in together, and that includes finances.

I don't mean that it's necessary to have one bank account or anything like that. But the situation with your daughter - yes, I think he has a right to know how as a couple you stand financially. I don't really think one person should own the house, unless there are reasons for example it should go to the kids rather than the spouse.

I'd also say that if you wanted to help with your daughters fees and it did impact what you could contribute, as part of the marriage that is something he would probably need to suck up and help with.

He had a lot less capital in his house. He paid an amount off my mortgage, paid largely for our wedding and put an amount in savings in his own name.

He would certainly have a claim against the house, were the roles reversed and a woman had put money into a man's house most on here would be saying she was entitled to a share.

If financial independence/security is important to you and keeping your financial assets separate - why did you let him pay off some of your mortgage and why are you continuing to let him pay towards your mortgage?
why didn't you get legal advice and documents protecting your finances drawn up before doing this?

Now he's got a financial interest in your house - and over time the amount he can claim from your house will increase too.
So.....if you break up -you either buy him out or sell.
There goes your home and your financial security.

Is he on the deeds to your house or just the mortgage?
You need to get legal advice and financial advice re safeguarding what you have and making a watertight will.....and i would make a stipulation about what age your child receives their inheritance should you pass first....otherwise he might live in the house til his death and your child might never end up receiving what you left for them.

If you are a childless couple, I do think separate finances show a lack of commitment and more importantly, a lack of partnership. They also make it very hard to account for the economic realities of pregnancy and child rearing and the disproportionate impact on women, even if the woman is the higher earner.

However, if you already have children, your economic responsibility is to them so separate finances just makes sense. You aren’t in a position to form a full economic partnership.

Now, if you choose to have a shared child, it’s just ridiculously complicated. No system will address all the competing priorities and responsibilities. B

We will not be having a shared child.

Why didn't I get legal advice? I don't know. I really should have done. And I will now.

Why did I allow him to pay off some of the mortgage and continue to pay towards said mortgage? Because I extended the house to create room for his kids to stay and the extra borrowing resulted in a mortgage I can't comfortably afford to pay on my own. Do I regret that? Yes. I'm obviously aware that this means I am no longer financially independent.

He is not named on the mortgage, or on the deeds. It's all in my name.

Each couple has their own way of handling things. For me and my husband we have a joint account and joint saving, we both then have separate accounts. We both put a set amount into the joint accounts, him more than me as he earns double what I do, and this covers all the bills and anything we wish to do as a family, holidays, household goods etc

We both then have our separate accounts with our own money in (after what we put into the joint).
So we both spend that on what we choose. He has a lot of expensive hobbies that he pays for out of his and I love to indulge in clothes, makeup and treating myself to nails etc, I also save some of mine for a rainy day.

The child benefit that we get each month goes into a complete separate account so that it is always spent on our son and doesn't get swallowed up with bills etc..this works really well for us, but not for everyone as everyone's situation is different.

As for the benefiting after death...I'm from a family of separated parents. On my dads side I now have step sisters and mums side a half brother. The way they have decided to do inheritance is;

My stepsisters get a larger percentage of Dad and Stepmums house and finances as SM's father gave her a lump sum of money to help her, so her daughters will benefit from that, and not me...which I think is perfectly fair. So their assists are split 30,30,20,20 between four of us.

My mum and SD have decided to split their assets equally three ways, as we have the same mum, but brother has a different dad. SD says he looks at us all as his children so happy to split his share equal. What they have put in their Will is a 'ring fence' that their assets can only go to biological children and grandchildren in the event of one of them dying and the widow re-marrying. If my mum died first their is a clause in the Will that me and sister would get some of her share (not sure on all actual figures) so that if my SD remarried, he couldn't leave it all to the new spouse.

I’m 5 years married and extremely committed to my DH, as is he to me. I’ve asked not to merge our finances as I prefer to have my discretionary spending left to me only and for his to be left to him. If we had a joint account only I know his spending would be a source of unnecessary irritation for me! We have agreed how much we both contribute and save monthly and the remaining pocket money is ours to do with as we wish.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

You are married. He has paid into your mortgage. He has a claim on your house. Basically he put his property into your house.

So he paid £13k off my mortgage at a time when the equity I had in the house was around £200k. I don't deny that he has some claim on the house, but he doesn't have the right to claim half based on those numbers.

That's your opinion OP. But the legal starting point for division of marital assets is 50:50. You've gone through one divorce - weren't marital assets divided evenly then, regardless of who paid in/who stayed at home with DC?

If there's a significant difference in your financial situations, you really should have got legal advice before marrying. Marrying is a financial contract.

First divorce was different circumstances though, given we had a child together.

You need a water tight will and tenancy in whatever that means your share goes to your dd. Agree with blended families things become more severe.

I'm a little at a loss at the outcome you are expecting here.

He gave up his home so you could improve your home. Substantially improving the value of your home in the process. That was a fair commitment on marriage.

But Yes that quite definitely gives him a claim on your property. Maybe not 50/50. but if you couldn't afford the mortgage now solo, i doubt you could afford to buy him out. Have you considered the prospect that it is enough of a claim to ensure the house would have to be sold to retrieve his share in the case of divorce.

Yes i absolutely think if i was him that a share should be sne of the value of the home going to his kid in any will. His asset upon marriage went into improving what he now saw as a joint asset. That's what being married is about, working together to build something worthwhile together, but that should also benefit all the kids not just yours. His equity is in the house too.

You really are wanting to behave like you never married the guy. But you did. Marriage isn't just a big party its a commitment, and a legal contract. Both of those things should have meant something to you.

Marriage a legal contract that very rarely benefits the person with the most equity. Seeking legal advice now is like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

We have created a trust for our DD on the basis that one of us could die and the surviving parent could re-marry. If they then die the new partner inherits and the child may get nothing. I would not rely on the good will of people down the line to ensure the financial future of my child. If you both had 2 kids it would obviously be a lot simpler to divide. I think based on your history and position it would be prudent to take financial advice.