Is My Husband Being Unreasonable

[Middicat]

My husband has always enjoyed a drink albeit lager. He now drinks most nights (only exceptions when he plays squash once maybe twice a week). He is fit and healthy and 55 years old. He drinks 4 up to 6 bottles of Cobra and some nights can get a bit argumentative and plays devils advocate over issues that he knows winds me up. We have been married 9 years and he has always drunk (I don't) and it has always annoyed me but now I am much more conscious of it as we have an 18 month old daughter who is starting to see the change in him I think and of course me when I get frustrated and argumentative back. Last night he was horrible and it is a worry now. We are planning another child. I know times are hard and he was made redundant so is frustrated but tbh he has been like this for a very long time. Help..... He is generally a good father.

Meant to say when I confront him about this (the next morning) he says he will cut down, he does for a couple of days and then back we go. If I continue moaning he says I need to lose weight and one we go.....

i wouldn't be having another dc with him until this was sorted out tbh. but then he seems to be drinking a fait bit and that needs addressing too. he might seem fit but booze has a knack of doing lasting damage you can't see.

Yabu in planning on another baby with someone who is alcohol dependent.

I would put it off. The way he drinks won't see him fit and healthy as he ages.

hhhmmm it is a lot and him saying you need to lose weight as a retaliation is just mean tbh I would certainly be putting trying for another baby on hold until you're in a better place

a good father doesn't wind up the mother of his child and be little her either, dd will pick up on ALL of this.

Part of your post is very easy to solve - stop planning another child.

Yes you are being very unreasonable to be planning another child. Wtf?

This is not reasonable behaviour with a young child - he’s putting all the responsibility on you to be the responsible (sober) adult every night.

Do you have nights off to do hobbies/ relax will he looks after DC?

Why are you planning another child with a man like this?

Is he drinking the large or small bottles? The small have 1.6 units of alcohol each, the large 3.2 so even if he's just (!) drinking 4 of the small each night he's three times over the recommended weekly limits.

He also can't drive in the evenings so if you have an emergency where you need to use the car, it's down to you. It's likely he'll still be over the limit in the morning.

Basically it means that the safety and well being if your child is down to you every being as he's drunk even if he doesn't appear it. He's got a drinking problem

I don't have nights off Jemima Tiggywinkle I guess I should do. I would say that he never is incapable of cooking or looking after our DD.

vanillandhoney - I guess he has always been the same - he can be very light hearted with the lager as well he is not argumentative every night. I guess I am only just now seeing him through my DD's eyes.

I have suggested he stop drinking for a week or two but he says he will do it his way. It has never interfered with his ability to work etc.

stellabluesky last night he drunk x4 Becks 2.6 units and Saturday 4/5 Cobra 2.8 units - on Cobra it says not more than 14 units a week.

That's a lot of money to spend on alcohol if he's been made redundant. That alone would annoy me.

How old are you OP? How long have you been together?

YABVU to plan another baby when he's getting drunk every night and tormenting you. Or when he's just been made redundant. And he shouldn't be drinking away your money every night when he's not working especially.

Isn’t that a typical excuse for someone who is dependent or at the least over reliant on alcohol, ‘it doesn’t interfere with work’. Maybe it doesn’t right now but why is the fact it is interfering with his home life not part of the equation?

It is unacceptable OP and you know that. As others have said stop thinking about another baby.

Can you stay with a relative or go somewhere for a while to work out what you want before lockdown starts? Some time away might help you decide what you want to do. But you realise he will just get worse over time don’t you? He is in denial.

He is not fit and healthy if he is drinking that much. Sorry to break it to you, but he's basically a functioning alcoholic.

You know he’s drinking too much, more than is healthy. He able to not drink when he has other plans but not prepared to not drink when he’s at home with you and he’s both argumentative and nasty with you when he’s been drinking. You know this is no way to live - for you and for your daughter.

I’d be clear with him about the impact his drinking has on you, and I’d not be engaging about whether you should lose weight, lighten up or whatever his come back is. He needs to take responsibility for his own life, including the child he is father to. If he won’t do that you need to decide what you’re prepared to live with and make your choices accordingly.

Not sure where you're getting your units from. One 275ml bottle of Beck's Bier lager contains 1.3 units of alcohol so that was 5.2 units. One 330 small bottle of cobra is 1.6 units. Therefore if he had 5 on sat that's 8 units. So in 2 nights he had 13.2 units, nearly the weekly recommended limit of 14 units in 2 days. Extrapolate that over a week and he's drinking nearly three times the recommended amount

Sorry don't know why some of it is in bold!

Unfortunately it sounds like your husband is a functioning alcoholic and has been one for quite a while. I suggest you connect with Al-Anon online and familiarize yourself with their resources. I think you need to continue to be the responsible adult and think long and hard about the future of your family now you have a tiny child in this unhealthy environment

Biggest part of your post I dont get, is why would you be planning another baby, with someone has a drink problem , very irresponsible x

Sorry but I think he is too old to have another baby without the drinking.
Add in the drinking and lack of money and you would be mad to contemplate another child.

one of my exh was a functioning alkie, he was full of i'll do it my way but he didn't have the resolve, he wouldn't give it up for our dc let alone me. i walked away, too much drama, 2 years on he'd drunk himself to death.
he never drank much when we first met but it crept in and i only realised when i'd had dc and would wake up to find h swigging from a bottle of scotch at 7ish in the morning, but he never gave the impression of actually being drunk but would pick fights with people and be a complete arsehole if he thought someone was looking / laughing at him

No way would I consider having another baby with this man. His age alone is a huge reason for me, but the way he belittles you is really awful. It's no fun sitting with a drunk man who's getting argumentative virtually every night. Your daughter will notice - of course she will. Another baby would bring more stress with it, welcome though it is, and he's likely to respond to that stress with even more drink.