Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you feel this was odd/inappropriate?

48 replies

Midlander81 · 02/11/2020 10:48

Hello,

Just wondering if this is the norm and if I'm being silly.

A very close friend of mine (known since begining of primary) has recently lost her MIL. Her FIL died just over a year ago, so all very sad. Both deaths out of the blue.

Anyway, my friend always knew that their inheritance would be quite substantial and the will has confirmed this.

I went round to their house for a coffee yesterday to give my condolences to her and her husband, who I'm also quite close to. He seemed very upset, as you could imagine and was struggling to have a conversation. I felt awful.

Eventually it was just me and my friend in the room and the mood suddenly shifted. A sheepish smile came across her face and she started throwing around figures of how much they'd inherit. I already had a rough idea, as their inheritance is mainly in the house and I could guess how much it is worth, as I've actually visited the house a few times. Also a small holiday home in France.

I was honestly quite shocked at what she was saying, but more shocked at the way she was saying it. Her MIL only died a few days ago and I felt very uncomfortable hearing her already talking about what they would do with the money. Especially with her husband clearly so distressed in the next room. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for them that they will now be very comfortable, but talking about actually figures??.. I don't know. It just didn't sit well. Not this early on anyway. I wouldn't dream of asking, even if I didn't have an idea! She seemed very excited and actually a bit giddy at times and I honestly didn't know how to react.

Should I have gone along with it or was it understandable that I was a bit shocked and so a little quiet?

I'm worried she picked up I was uncomfortable and I don't want things to become awkward between us. I just didn't know what to say.

I keep asking myself what I would do in the same situation and there is no way I would discuss money like this! But maybe that's not the norm - I don't know.

What do you think? Was this a bit inappropriate?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/11/2020 11:00

Very. Quite callous to be so open

yelyah22 · 02/11/2020 11:01

I don't know... my initial reaction is yes, it's a bit much. But then also, imagine realising you're about to inherit a potentially life-changing (in as much as it will allow them to be mortgage-free, for example) amount of money - it must be such a relief. Considering she wasn't crowing in front of her DH about it, I think it's probably okay - being happy you're going to get a large sum of money is pretty normal, but she knows not to show that happiness in front of him beecause it's come via a sad route?

BertieBloopsMum · 02/11/2020 11:02

She sounds very graspy. Couldn't even put off her joy for a few days!

Horrid.

LonelyFromCorona · 02/11/2020 11:02

It was a bit inappropriate but what can you do, tell her so and end up with an argument/turfed out early?

Leave her to it.

Pumperthepumper · 02/11/2020 11:04

It’s so relentlessly shit when someone dies, I can imagine she’s trying to distract herself by focussing on something positive, and she’s tried to lighten the mood for you and it’s just come off wrong. I don’t think it’s fair to judge her for her reaction.

SenoritaEspanola · 02/11/2020 11:04

Good grief! That's awful. I don't blame you for not knowing where to put yourself. The future might be rosy for them but it isn't just yet and it's appalling that she's focusing on money in such a sad time for her DP Sad

AryaStarkWolf · 02/11/2020 11:06

I don't know, maybe she never liked the MIL or something and thought she could be honest with one of her closest friends? As long as she's not like that in her husbands face it wouldn't bother me

Original poster
Midlander81 · 02/11/2020 11:07

@yelyah22, I know what you're saying. It will make a significant difference. I suppose all I could do was try and put myself in the same situation and I'm pretty certain I wouldn't personally do this. Maybe it's a British thing about not talking about money, but then I don't know really. I think if it was a few months down the line, house had been sold, I'd probably understand if she'd been talking figures then. It was just more the timing.

OP posts:
unchienandalusia · 02/11/2020 11:07

Very crass to discuss it at all let alone so soon after the death.

Pumperthepumper · 02/11/2020 11:09

But it is not more likely that she’s in shock still, and is trying to look forward to the future instead of the horrible grief? Rather than being glad her MIL is dead and she just can’t wait to show off about it to her friends?

disappear · 02/11/2020 11:09

I hope she did pick up on it and realised she was being inappropriate. YANBU

Original poster
Midlander81 · 02/11/2020 11:12

@LonelyFromCorona, I have absolutely no intention of saying anything. That would be completely wrong.

@AryaStarkWolf, she was actually quite close to her. She was a really lovely woman. Met her several times.

@Pumperthepumper, you could be right. I'm not judging her. I just wondered if most people would feel awkward under the same circumstances.

OP posts:
FlyNow · 02/11/2020 11:12

It was a bit inappropriate, yes, although so long as she doesn't say in front of the DH she didn't do anything wrong, so definitely not something to confront her over. Don't dwell on it, just forget it and I'm sure she will to. She's probably cringing right now thinking about it.

To be fair we all have wrong thoughts. A friend of mine confessed she wished her ex who cheated on her would die. I said that was a bit inappropriate. However I've had the exact same thought about my own cheating ex!

Unsuremover · 02/11/2020 11:12

I had a similar situation when the day after my friends FIL funeral they picked up a very expensive car. Apparently to take her husband’s mind off it but it’s her car which she drives exclusively. Didn’t even wait for the will to pay out just got it ASAP.

BrumBoo · 02/11/2020 11:13

Yes it's in bad taste, but if your friend is usually the good sort maybe she was just trying to distract from the very obvious sadness of the situation. Making good from bad, but yes she could have waited to point it out.

My own husband keeps saying how much easier life will be 'when he gets his inheritance', which always feels a bit crass when the person hasn't even died, but there's no denying that we will go from 'making do' to 'comfortable'. However, it comes at an awful price usually - I hope her husband gets his time to grieve properly before thinking of sorting the house and dealing with the will.

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 11:14

I’m not sure, it depends how close she was to mil in real life. She might be sad she’s passed, sad for her husband, but still delighted at how their lives will change.

I don’t think I’d judge a friend for this and don’t think she should don black clothing and refuse to mention it or pretend it’s not huge for her.

Pumperthepumper · 02/11/2020 11:16

Of course people feel awkward about talking about money. People feel awkward talking about death. If she’s really your friend I’d stop worrying about how awkward you feel and support her.

SpaceOP · 02/11/2020 11:16

I think it's not actually that odd that she was thinking about it as after a death you do get very into the practicalities of things. It was a bit inappropriate to be discussing it so soon, but by the sounds of things you're quite close so it's possible she felt you were the one person she CAN talk to about it?

Also, unless her and her DH are already very comfortable financially, I can imagine that feeling like there's some financial easing on the horizon is very exciting, even if the reason is awful.

Original poster
Midlander81 · 02/11/2020 11:19

@Pumperthepumper, I am supporting her. This won't stop that on any level.

Honestly, I started judging myself and wondered if I was strange for feeling uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 02/11/2020 11:19

It's one of those things that you secretly feel but never say out loud I think. It's sad MIL has died but it's natural to be excited about receiving a large sum of money. At least she didnt say it in front of DH

KrisAkabusi · 02/11/2020 11:22

It's unusual but I don't think its inappropriate. Its a very British thing to not talk about money. Look at the number of threads on here where people are outraged at salary discussions becoming public. In other European countries every single individual's tax returns, and salaries are available online for anyone to see. Not discussing money only benefits those that have it.

Also in this case, it seems she was confiding in a close friend rather than being publically greedy, so again, I don't see anything wrong with it.

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 11:22

I’d also wonder if maybe you’re a little envious deep down? I’m at an age where many of my friends have lost one or both parents and talking about the estate is quite normal with very close friends. I can’t recall a time I’ve felt as you did.

It’s hard to judge if you really are the sort who finds discussing money highly distasteful, and it’s a surprise a close friend didn’t know this about you, or if there was a touch of envy in there which made you react as you have.

ImaginaryCat · 02/11/2020 11:24

How long was MIL ill for before death? Sometimes the dying person has had time to prepare and discuss finances, making it feel less taboo.

My DGM was in palliative care for months and actually wanted to discuss how the money would improve the lives of her DCs and DGCs. It gave her joy envisaging the way they would spend it. As a result we possibly discussed the inheritance a bit too easily in the days after her death because the subject was normalised, even though on an emotional level we were all absolutely broken.

Original poster
Midlander81 · 02/11/2020 11:27

@Nottherealslimshady, I agree. It is something I would expect her to be excited about, but maybe not externally at this stage. I was just a bit taken aback.

Maybe I should apologise if I seemed quiet (?)

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 02/11/2020 11:27

Very British to not want to talk about money...but as you say she didn’t say it in front of her husband. It’s not wrong to be excited about money that could change your circumstances. A bit crass to be smiling about it so soon, but did she like her MIL? Maybe she put up with a lot from her that she didn’t tell you about. Maybe she thought since you’re her friend she was safe to express her excitement.

Am on the fence a little myself with this. I probably wouldn’t have done what your friend (ex-friend soon maybe?) did, but I also wouldn’t judge her as you have done.

Swipe left for the next trending thread