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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you feel this was odd/inappropriate?

48 replies

Midlander81 · 02/11/2020 10:48

Hello,

Just wondering if this is the norm and if I'm being silly.

A very close friend of mine (known since begining of primary) has recently lost her MIL. Her FIL died just over a year ago, so all very sad. Both deaths out of the blue.

Anyway, my friend always knew that their inheritance would be quite substantial and the will has confirmed this.

I went round to their house for a coffee yesterday to give my condolences to her and her husband, who I'm also quite close to. He seemed very upset, as you could imagine and was struggling to have a conversation. I felt awful.

Eventually it was just me and my friend in the room and the mood suddenly shifted. A sheepish smile came across her face and she started throwing around figures of how much they'd inherit. I already had a rough idea, as their inheritance is mainly in the house and I could guess how much it is worth, as I've actually visited the house a few times. Also a small holiday home in France.

I was honestly quite shocked at what she was saying, but more shocked at the way she was saying it. Her MIL only died a few days ago and I felt very uncomfortable hearing her already talking about what they would do with the money. Especially with her husband clearly so distressed in the next room. Don't get me wrong, I am genuinely happy for them that they will now be very comfortable, but talking about actually figures??.. I don't know. It just didn't sit well. Not this early on anyway. I wouldn't dream of asking, even if I didn't have an idea! She seemed very excited and actually a bit giddy at times and I honestly didn't know how to react.

Should I have gone along with it or was it understandable that I was a bit shocked and so a little quiet?

I'm worried she picked up I was uncomfortable and I don't want things to become awkward between us. I just didn't know what to say.

I keep asking myself what I would do in the same situation and there is no way I would discuss money like this! But maybe that's not the norm - I don't know.

What do you think? Was this a bit inappropriate?

OP posts:

SpeccyLime · 02/11/2020 11:32

I think it’s a bit crass. My husband and I will likely receive a fairly substantial inheritance from his parents but I absolutely love my MIL and I can’t imagine feeling anything other than devastated a few days after her death. And even if the money was making me giddy I like to think I’d have the decency to keep it to myself.

Fluffythefish · 02/11/2020 11:33

Possibly, if you are a longstanding close friend she felt that you were the person that she could say it to? That doesn't stop her grieving and supporting her husband but there was this little bubble of delight in the change in her circumstances that she needed to get out and felt that you were a safe person to share it with. If she then went on to do the same with lots of people I would be less sympathetic. But I know I have a few friends who I can say things to that I would never share with others and vice versa as well

Original poster

Midlander81 · 02/11/2020 11:33

@Bluntness100, couldn't be further from the truth. I would probably wonder the same, but no. I love my friend and am genuinely happy for her and also her DDs.

@ImaginaryCat, very sudden. I would have understood and related a lot more if they all knew it was coming.

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 02/11/2020 11:38

Just seems a bit weird though that you’d support your grieving friend by trotting over to Mumsnet to start a thread about how crass she is for talking about the inheritance. And that you need strangers to point out to you that your friend, who you presumably know well, might just be in shock.

notalwaysalondoner · 02/11/2020 11:39

I think it is highly inappropriate unless perhaps they had a very antagonistic relationship and your friend hated her MIL. It's one thing to privately think 'hurrah, we'll be mortgage free soon!' but to openly talk about it with someone outside of the family within just a few days of your MIL dying, especially if they got on well and had known each other for years or even decades, is just crass and disrespectful. Maybe she was trying to keep positive but the way you describe it doesn't sound like she was saying "We're all devastated, we miss her so much, the only bright spot on the horizon is that at least her last gift to us will mean we don't need to worry about money again". I don't think it's a British thing, I think it's just bad taste to crow about money within a few days of a loved one dying.

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 11:43

@Pumperthepumper

Agree, it’s not what I would consider friendly behaviour.

As said, I’ve been in this scenario, and I can’t imagine starting a thread saying “ how crass do you think my mate is”

I’m British, and I’d rather be the person who talks about a life changing sum of money a few days after someone passes, with a close friend, than be the person who goes on line and all but slags my friend off.

MumChats · 02/11/2020 12:12

I agree with you (and a lot of PPs) - seems inappropriate to me and i definitely think you shouldn't apologise. Partly because you'd probably have to explain why you were quiet so you'd end up indirectly confronting her anyway and partly because i don't think you owe her an apology. I'd find that really hard to listen to, even if her in-laws had been FIL and MIL from hell, and even if her DH alright about them dying - which clearly they weren't and he isn't.

Audreyseyebrows · 02/11/2020 12:17

The magpies always come out of the wood work when someone passes.

I think I would just keep trying to direct the conversation back to how her husband and children are coping and practical advice.

Nottherealslimshady · 02/11/2020 12:19

I definitely wouldn't bring it back up with her. Nothing good can come from that. You weren't wrong to feel awkward and hopefully your reaction gently discouraged her from saying it to anyone else, especially her husband.

Mittens030869 · 02/11/2020 12:25

I love that assumption that’s always trotted out on these threads, that an OP must be jealous of a friend who has had a big inheritance. Not everyone cares about money.

I can identify with your friend, OP. My DH and I had a substantial inheritance from his DGF after his death at age 92. My DH had been close to his grandparents and the end of their lives was tragic, as their only child, My FIL, had died in a car accident two years before.

I was obviously grateful for the inheritance, but I would never have thought about saying so. I wasn’t elated, either, just grateful.

I suspect this is a British thing; there is a tendency to see this kind of elation as gloating and also vulgar.

2bazookas · 02/11/2020 12:56

Bereaved and grieving people are often odd and inappropriate. Jokes, complaints about the deceased's bad timing, and a desperate attempt to find a silver lining , are all common.

She's being normal, and she's got a lot more of the grieving process ahead of her. Just let her talk.

LouiseTrees · 02/11/2020 13:11

Totally inappropriate. Maybe they didn’t get on?

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 13:16

@2bazookas

Bereaved and grieving people are often odd and inappropriate. Jokes, complaints about the deceased's bad timing, and a desperate attempt to find a silver lining , are all common.

She's being normal, and she's got a lot more of the grieving process ahead of her. Just let her talk.

Actually I’d agree with this. I also wasn’t still weeping several days after I lost either of my in laws.

She’s obvs sensitive enough not to talk about it in front of her husband, but she likely thought in front of a close friend it would be ok. Clearly she got that wrong as the op has rushed to tell everyone on here that her behaviour is wrong.

Everyone grieves in different ways but very few people several days after loosing an in law are still so gutted they can’t think or talk about anything else.

CoronaBollox · 02/11/2020 13:32

I dont know actually, I understand what you are saying but in all honesty, if my good friend came over and I had just received news of a life changing amount of money I would mention it. Her husband wasnt there, she was with you, her friend. Plus I'm not saying she didnt love her MIL but I didnt weep for days when mine passed

I would find it more uncomfortable if you walked in and her husband was smiling talking of all the nice things hes got out of it. Even then I would put it down to grieving, it's a strange thing.

bloodyhairy · 02/11/2020 13:57

What a total bitch. Hopefully her husband will see her for what she really is, and leave her with none of it!

Bluntness100 · 02/11/2020 14:13

@bloodyhairy

What a total bitch. Hopefully her husband will see her for what she really is, and leave her with none of it!

😱

MustardMitt · 02/11/2020 14:15

I think as she was close to them, she probably feels like you as her close friend, are the only person she can talk to about this. It’s disingenuous to say that no one thinks about the inheritance - they do.

Couldn’t be worse than my aunt asking my mum about how much she’d get from her own father’s will AT the fucking funeral!

flaviaritt · 02/11/2020 14:30

Really not very pleasant.

SarahAndQuack · 02/11/2020 14:48

People are really different in how they deal with grief. My mum adored her father, but when he died she inherited some money (as did I) and she spent ages talking about it, about how much there was, about how it could be spent, what we should do. Likewise when my grandmother died, my mum became absolutely fixated on the fact that the money was being split in a complex way and the accountants who were organising it had made some minor rounding-up error that meant my oldest cousin got a tiny amount more than the rest of us.

I found it really bizarre at the time (and still do), but I also know it is how she grieves. She's also set out extensive (and frankly upsetting) amounts of detail about how we are to sort out money when she and my dad die. I hate talking about it. She finds it oddly comforting. I don't get it, but clearly for her it has something to do with honouring someone's memory by appreciating that they've left you something.

Mittens030869 · 02/11/2020 14:55

My MIL isn't at all a grasping woman, but when my DH's DGF (her FIL) died she did care about whether some of the money would go to her. (She got 10%.) She also got fixated about a specific photograph of her DH's father's family and argued with his cousin's family about who should get it.

She was in a mess still following her DH dying in a car accident two years before, so it was grief talking. She would have been the last person who I would have expected to be worrying about who got what, as she isn't in the least materialistic.

People do react in unexpected ways to grief.

Ilovechinese · 02/11/2020 17:14

You see peoples true colours when someone dies and this doesn't really surprise me. She sounds disgusting though with mot much empathy for her husband only thinking of her greed and what she will get

Pumperthepumper · 02/11/2020 17:25

@Ilovechinese

You see peoples true colours when someone dies and this doesn't really surprise me. She sounds disgusting though with mot much empathy for her husband only thinking of her greed and what she will get

Or, more likely, she’s in shock at the sudden death of her mother in law and is trying to think positively, and misjudged her friend as someone she could talk openly with.

SarahAndQuack · 02/11/2020 17:46

@Ilovechinese

You see peoples true colours when someone dies and this doesn't really surprise me. She sounds disgusting though with mot much empathy for her husband only thinking of her greed and what she will get

I think this says more about you TBH.

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