Parents and potty training DC. AIBU?

[JustinMyJustin]

D.C. are twins, now aged 2 years 2 months. I’m a single mum, so rely on my DP a lot for help with them.

Both of them (but especially my DM) will not stop going on about me potty training them. I get a running commentary all the time from DM about how wet/dry their nappies are, they are both always telling the twins they should be weeing/pooing on the potty when I change their nappies etc. etc. There’s a definite air of disapproval that they aren’t trained yet. My DM even bought training pants and put them in them without asking me first! They’ve got them overnight and she’s just text me saying they’ve been in their pants again and haven’t wet them.

I appreciate I should probably start training them and do admit that I’m feeling totally lost as to how to start potty training two toddlers. They will sit on their potties but never do anything in them. However I feel like my parents are being really unfair putting all this pressure on me. It’s like an obsession with them both! AIBU or not?

Can your DC dress and undress themselves? That is the real question to ask before even considering potty training.
As long as they can sign or say they need to go then you can help them. Still easier than changing a nappy, especially for poos!

People of my parents' generation seem to have all started potty training much, much earlier than modern parents. Probably because they had to wash the nappies and not everyone had a washing machine.

My earliest memories are of being punished for wetting myself- I was about 3 I think. My parents would smack me, rub my face in the wet pants, and my mother loved to loudly tell anyone who would listen that I was PERFECTLY FINE until I was 18 months old and that I was just being bloody minded. Yup, 18 months! That's when my sister was born and my mother seems to have got a bit fed up of me generally. It will surprise nobody to hear that my "problem" with toilet training lasted for much longer than it needed to, or that I was a very withdrawn and unhappy child.

The first three of my children were over 3 when they were ready, but the last was only just two. They are all different and not forcing a child who isn't ready is kinder and more effective than distressing them by insisting that they must.

They’ve got them overnight and she’s just text me saying they’ve been in their pants again and haven’t wet them.

How long have they been there? They’re bound to wet them eventually. What sort of training pants are they? If it’s the old-fashioned kind of plastic wrapped Terry towelling, they hold almost nothing so she likely to have a busy afternoon! I’d let her crack on and if it’s a total failure she might keep quiet. If by some sheer fluke she succeeds, it will save you a job - highly unlikely though!

My son was well over 3. There's no point worrying until they can say mummmy I need a wee or poo. There's no rush.

@WhoseThatGirl I’m a single parent and they don’t see their dad. If my DP didn’t take them I’d never have a break!

@RedMarauder Yes my DM has said that about the nappies and I totally get her point. Perhaps modern nappies aren’t so great from that perspective.

They can’t really dress/undress themselves yet. They’ll attempt to pull their clothes up and down, but can’t quite manage it.

I realise the whole putting them
In training pants at parents is pointless but I know she thinks she’s helping!

They were born at 34 weeks too, so slightly behind their friends the same age.

You probably were potty trained at 2. The thinking then was to sit children on potties after meals and leave them there till something happened! No-one has the time for that now.

Until they connect the sensation they feel with wee or poo appearing there is no point.

I'd leave it till spring when it's warmer and they can run around outside with no nappy on

The older generation DID potty train us early though. They had to. They didn't have the convenience of disposals. I am sure if we still were using terry towel nappies without modern washing machines, we would train our DC's young too.

I am a bit older than the average MN. I started "training" my DC's at about 1, and they were clean and dry during the day by 18 months. DD1 would ask to go to the toilet even when that little. You just put them on the toilet several times a day, they aren't necessarily ready, but it does become a habit, and you save a lot of nappies. Neither were dry in the night until they were 3 though, but for me, the saving was still made, and they went to nursery fully clean and dry.

That's so sad to read - I want to hug poor little you, @DontDribbleOnTheCarpet

I'm sure people did used to potty train earlier, but I also think that people's memory of when their children did things gets less reliable and tends to shift it earlier over time. Apparently nearly everyone I know with adult children had children talking in full, fluent sentences at 18 months, yet curiously no toddlers I know now do. I think they may be conflating 'can say a few words' with 'talking fluently' in their heads, and similarly they confuse 'first time they went in the potty' and 'actually reliably dry' in their heads

As long as they can sign or say they need to go then you can help them. Still easier than changing a nappy, especially for poos!

Well yes, but they still need to be able to hold it for as long as it takes to grab your attention and for you to stop what you’re doing and organise their clothes. By the time they have that control they’ll probably have no difficulty pulling down a pair of trousers or pants.

Argh, there's no rush with this! My eldest was 3 (not much after 3 rather than being nearer 4). I'd tried to 'train' her earlier, she just weed everywhere and got upset (I never told her off).

We waited, didn't bother with a potty just straight to the toilet with a toddler seat. Once she was ready, we showed her what to do, she weed in her pants once the first day. No further accidents. She cracked it straight away. She was dry at night about 6/8 weeks later but again, we did nothing (this can't be taught anyway). We just put her in a nappy at night until she had two weeks of waking with it dry then took the plunge and left her in pants. No accidents (she's nearly 5 now).

I have a child the same age as your twins too and she's not ready. She knows when she's doing a poo and tells me. I ask if she wants the toilet she says 'no mummy'. I'm not worrying or rushing this time, she'll do it when she's ready. She's fascinated with her sister using the toilet and like most other things I expect at some point she'll want to copy to be 'a big girl' so we'll do it then. I've bought her some nice knickers to start to gauge some interest.

I know so many people who have children the same age as my youngest who claim they're toilet trained. Only one, I think actually is. The rest of them wear pants but have frequent accidents, at least once a day. That's not toilet trained that's just nappy free and messy!

I think as long as they're trained by the time reception is looming (additional needs aside) so probably the start of the year before they start reception in the September then you're grand.

There's a balance between not stressing and leaving it too late though, we have a child with no additional needs in my eldests class whose parents did nothing on the basis that the child would tell them when they wanted to. Said child is half a term into reception and literally will not use the toilet at all. She wets and soils herself several times a day and her mother is now terribly upset because the school have asked to have a meeting about it (I know, because she's told me not because the school are indiscreet). I feel a bit for that child because all of the other children notice (mostly because she runs around shouting that she's pooed her pants!) and think it's hilarious, but I remember from my own school days children can be mean about things like this. I have told my DD that she's not to laugh or be unkind but she's 4 and at an age where poo is funny!

I am a mum of twins @JustinMyJustin so hopefully this will help!

Buy some knickers for them (with their help) so they know you have them and they can try them on. My twins were speech delayed and nowhere near at 2y2m, but I got exactly the same from my mum

We didn’t ‘train’ as such, just let them have a go with pants every so often, potty nearby. If they wet more than a couple of times we just stopped and put nappies back on. They were about three when they got it, which meant they had maybe two or three accidents in two or three weeks. Personally I don’t think it’s worth trying to ‘train’ children when what you mean is literally taking them to the toilet/potty every half an hour. What a ball ache for the parents!

I would take them round to your mum’s with a stack of pants and brightly announce you thought she’d like to start potty training, here’s the stuff, I’ll go out and do the shop now.

Both my daughters were over three when they potty trained; drove me mad with an absolute refusal to go (they’d hold it for hours!)

Once they finally started using the toilet there was never any night wetting or accidents.

They just didn’t want to do it until they were fully ready.

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet That is horrendous. I am so so sorry that you went through that

I think the pants she’s using look like normal pants, just a bit thicker than usual.

@MustardMitt Thank you for the advice. Do we have the same DM? They do sit on their potties, especially my little girl. She’ll ask to use it sometimes when her nappies wet but hasn’t managed a wee or poo yet.

It’s just frustrating because I know they will potty train when the times right. I would personally rather wait until the Spring but my parents think that’s leaving it too late

The oldies, like me, did used to start potty training quite early in the oldie days. Much time was spent doing this, and it should pay off after a short while. People were not distracted with TV's and phones then, and also, we all used Terry towelling nappies, and all the pallaver that goes with them, so it was always good to get your child out of big nappies when they were about one year old or thereabouts.

If they tell you when they’re wet or have done a poo they’re almost certainly ready OP.

Its honestly best done when they can run around in just pants and you have time to catch them at regular intervals to sit on the loo/potty my daughter was about just coming up three - I had a week off work int he summer and we sorted it 95% that week. Sure there were still accidents but the key is to keep on top of them going regularly and remembering when they have had a drink then 30 to 45 min later stick them on the potty for a wee. Overnight took longer, I left her in a nappy vernight and should have taken the hint at 3 dry nights in a row that week and carried on pants in bed with appropriate under cloths for reducing washing (they do fab fabric bedwetting sheets now - two of those and its just those you need to wash etc) instead I left it and she took probably another 12 mths to be completely dry

Apparently poor sleepers produce the necessary hormone early

I didn’t know that but makes sense thinking about my son who woke up with a dry nappy a good year before he was ready to be dry in the day.

I think the pants she’s using look like normal pants, just a bit thicker than usual.

I tried these once in the days before pull ups. They really are quite useless!

Well yes, but they still need to be able to hold it for as long as it takes to grab your attention and for you to stop what you’re doing and organise their clothes. By the time they have that control they’ll probably have no difficulty pulling down a pair of trousers or pants.
Often a parent can do it quicker than the child when needed in the early days, lift them onto the toilet and remind a boy to point their penis down! Dealing with clothes quickly can come after.

I think it's a generational things a our parents did potty train us much earlier. Mainly because they didn't have disposable nappies. I remember my mum rushing to get my sister potty trained aged two so she could start play school. As they didn't take kids in nappies.

I completely get you, OP. With both of my dc my MIL and mum have badgered me about potty training from the time my dc were about 15 months old. My MIL is absolutely insistent that my dh was potty trained by 18 months, and my mum says I was potty trained by 2 years old. I have absolutely no idea if this is true or not but frankly it is irrelevant when we were potty trained because my dh and myself are not our children, and our children were potty trained when they were physically ready rather than when our mum's thought they should be ready.

My dd didn't show any signs of being ready to potty train until after she turned two. I tried training her bang on two years old but after repeatedly wetting herself and crying whenever I mentioned the potty I aborted the mission after three hours. I tried again three months later and she got the hang of it straight away. Dry day and night within 1.5 days.

I've literally just potty trained my ds this week. He hated me talking about the potty and showed no signs at all of being physically ready for potty training until last weekend (the day after his 3rd birthday) when he was dry overnight for two consecutive nights. So I started potty training him the following day, and with the exception of two accidents on the first day when he got too engrossed in playing to remember to get to the toilet in time, he has been dry day and night since.

Potty training is very much child led and based on when the child is ready rather than when other people decide they should be out of nappies. It also shouldn't be difficult to do if the child is physically and mentally ready for it. There was 9 months difference in age between my dd and ds being ready for potty training but they were both as easy to train as each other once they were ready.

Yes of course you can do it quicker if you are watching them closely. But it usually is quite urgent at that age, so if you are in the middle of something else, you will likely be to late.

I just got sick of nappies personally as DD became so wriggly it was just a horrible job. Decided cleaning the floor would be better.

Twins will be much, much harder BUT have you even started getting them used to potties yet? Or are you a ‘wait until they’re ready’?
I see both sides, in the 80’s it was very, very common to start potty training at 2. Of course some were more successful than others but it was very rare to have older toddlers (those approaching 3 for example)in nappies even back then.

I’d also be pretty shocked at wains of nearly 4 not being potty trained but I’m a 60s baby so yes it is probably generational.

I wouldn't start potty training until they showed signs of being ready. Less stress all around. They're still pretty young. I hoped to potty train just before DS1 turned 3 but he showed signs at 2.5 so we started then and he sussed it in one weekend. Parents always have an opinion but I'd just ignore them and do what is right for you.