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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this drive you mad?

55 replies

Superpanicky · 01/11/2020 13:32

Husband is driving me mad, it’s nothing really bad but his behaviour niggles me, today is a typical example and I’m trying to brush it off but still stewing. Basically he’s really passive aggressive about things domestic things not being done around the house and will muck in (I don’t want him to, I’d rather he didn’t) but he’ll be very nearly about it and it causes lots of rows. He works very hard and I am a stay at home mum. Today was so minor it’s unreal (I fully expect to be told it is too!) but I would genuinely like to know if I’m just being too easily annoyed. Both of us outside in the garden picking up dog poo, he’s going round in a passive aggressive whirl of activity while I’m finding my pooper scooper and then struggling to open the dog poo bag. After about a minute or two (he’s seen me not being able to get the bag open) he asks me “how many bags of dog poo have you collected so far?” I ask me why he is asking that after only two minutes, and he says “I’ll take the ones you’ve collected out to the bin”. We end up having a row about how petty he is in the extreme. He was only asking me because he had clocked that after two minutes I hadn’t picked any up yet. If it had been more than ten minutes then I could see the point of this passive aggressive comment but it just feels so unnecessary, I live with these type of comments all the time and it drives me maaaaddddd. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Superpanicky · 01/11/2020 14:07

To answer another question- no, picking up poo isn’t a two person job, but if he’s deigning to do something then he needs me to be involved too in case I dare to sit down and relax for a minute

OP posts:
LST · 01/11/2020 14:12

It takes your husband 2 mins to pick up 6 poos? Do your dogs hide them?!

I have dogs and I am also disabled, but it doesn't take me 2 mins or 2 people to pick up 6 poos

Original poster
Superpanicky · 01/11/2020 14:14

I wasn’t expecting this obsession with the poos! There’s long grass, it takes a while to hunt around and make sure you’ve got them all. In the end there was six poos out there. But we did walk around and make sure there weren’t anymore in the grass and we also picked up some dog toys they’d half buried etc etc. Sorry I should have been more specific about the whole dog poo situation, it wasn’t really the focus of my post though, it was the passive aggressive behaviour I wanted opinions on.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 01/11/2020 14:17

I have a relative like this OP. Approaches when I'm cooking and not so discreetly turns the hob down. Makes a big song and dance and as much noise and drama as possible on the rare occasion they tidy up. It's all sending a message that you're not doing things "properly". Drives me nuts.

You need to develop a thick skin to ignore and a blunt approach when asked PA questions is best. "Shall I do x job then because you haven't bothered " oh yeah great thanks.

ImMoana · 01/11/2020 14:18

Sounds like there’s more to this then just dog shit.

Tell him firmly to get off your back and next time he does one of the pa comments just walk away. Stop what your doing and walk away.

Sparklfairy · 01/11/2020 14:18

Oh and I don't have a dog anymore but next door neighbours do. The dog shit is left and doesn't stink MN drama queens Hmm

NewlyGranny · 01/11/2020 14:22

I think your DH needs to take a long look at his interactions with you and consider what he'd trying to achieve. Does he want happy teamwork or does he want to score points in some nasty game he's invented?

He could do with a bit of counselling on how to get on with and how to show he values a partner. In the first instance, how to do adult-to-adult communication would be useful.

Have you ever responded to the passive aggressive stuff by asking him why he thinks it's appropriate to talk to you as if you're an incompetent employee?!

Lavanderrose · 01/11/2020 14:25

I’d feel a little annoyed if someone spent 2 minutes trying to open a poo bag. But I don’t think it’s right that you clear up his mess, his clothes and his shaving.

popcornlover · 01/11/2020 14:27

It sounds like you frustrate him. Let him admire something about you, like a talent - something other than housework. He’s probably secretly peeved at being the sole earner.

RandomMess · 01/11/2020 14:27

How would he react if you said when he starts

"Do we need to go to counselling about this again?"

If the behaviour despite counselling hasn't changed are you happy enough to stay or is this just going to erode things slowly or surely???

Sound like he thinks he is Lord of the Manor expecting an immaculate home and 50s housewife and DC?

Original poster
Superpanicky · 01/11/2020 14:28

I go straight back at him when he does it and sometimes he tries to back track and say it wasn’t PA and sometimes it will turn into a row. We had counselling and things did massively improve but it has slipped back. He has ocd about the house and I do not. I want it clean and relatively ordered l, but we have a young family and I’m not willing to spend every waking hour polishing things.

OP posts:
lowlandLucky · 01/11/2020 14:30

Just a tip, why don't you open a stack of bags before you start picking the poo up, it would be easier and quicker

RandomMess · 01/11/2020 14:32

If he was OCD he would just crack on and do it himself...

markzuckerbergsgreytshirt · 01/11/2020 14:34

I'd get into the habit of picking poos up sooner rather than having them hang around.

However the issue is clearly with your DH and how he doesn't want you to relax and have you doing chores if he's doing them too. He sounds unkind. I wouldn't pander to him.

Original poster
Superpanicky · 01/11/2020 14:36

I do wonder what he would do if i by some miracle I managed to get the house absolutely immaculate and keep it that way for an extended period. I think his head would explode at not being able to take out the frustrations of life via passive aggressive behaviour about domestic tasks

OP posts:
LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 01/11/2020 14:37

It’s gross that you don’t pick up the shit straight away. Even more so if you have kids. And/or neighbours. I can’t get beyond that to answer your actual question I’m afraid.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/11/2020 14:40

This is slightly OT, but I understand about the bags. My husband can't open plastic bags at all. I've shown him how, but he can't. He does loads of work around the house and outside, but this is his blind spot, as it were. The worst ones for him are the compostable ones, they seem to cling together more.

Other than that, I think you might need to revisit the counselling.

RandomMess · 01/11/2020 14:41

It just sounds like he has to criticise you...

Is he critical of others in his life or just you? What about the DC, do they fall short of his unattainable standards too?

Nanny0gg · 01/11/2020 14:46

@Superpanicky

Yes I am more than happy to do the lions hate of the domestic work, and I do, but unless the house is immaculate he will continue to make these little comments. We had marriage counselling about little issues like this And she basically told dh to get a grip.
He isn't your boss and you're not the housekeeper.

If he doesn't like it he can crack on and do it himself.

What does he do, exactly? (other than woh)

Nanny0gg · 01/11/2020 14:48

@Lavanderrose

I’d feel a little annoyed if someone spent 2 minutes trying to open a poo bag. But I don’t think it’s right that you clear up his mess, his clothes and his shaving.
No, it's not.

Dirty pig. I hate it if those little hairs get left all over the sink Envy (not envy)

CSIblonde · 01/11/2020 14:49

Do you generally move at a much slower pace than him? I would find that a bit testing tbh. I had a partner who just seemed to be ticking to an inner time clock 20mins behind everyone else. It drove people mad at work, as well as me. Also re "paying bills", direct debits usually mean a discount & are a one off 2mins to set up. Is making hard work of stuff that should take 2mins ( like opening a poo bag) your default? I could see that would annoy someone with a very 'do it now, get it done' aproach.

SpeccyLime · 01/11/2020 14:50

He sounds really rude and tedious. Adults should be capable of expressing themselves without resorting to being passive aggressive knobs about it, and he has no leg to stand on given that you’re doing basically all the housework.

Also ignore the people griping on about dog poos. They’ll be the same ones who think anyone who owns a toilet brush is one step away from having their children removed for neglect.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 01/11/2020 14:50

Having taken my focus from the dog poo - it seems to me that your DH is a bit resentful of your respective roles and finds you, at times, frustrating and annoying. The image of you fumbling to open the poo bag has struck a chord with me.

I have been in the position of your DH (main earner, then sole earner). I’m not proud of myself for this - but at times I have found my DH both frustrating and annoying. It not about seeing the house as solely his job. I absolutely pull my weight. But it is a about feeling irritated if the jobs he undertakes are not performed properly, swiftly. I tend not to be passive aggressive as that’s not my way. But I have bern known to openly criticise what I see as a lack of focus or ability. As I say, I’m working on my responses as I don’t think it’s helpful to a relationship for someone to feel criticised. I’m not proud of the way I feel. And I don’t always feel like it. But it would probably help if you could find a role for yourself (in or outside the home) that you really excel at. Something you exude competence at.

username108 · 01/11/2020 14:59

Get a job OP.

Shoxfordian · 01/11/2020 15:05

Leaving dog poo in the garden is disgusting

Aside from that, he shouldn't be passive aggressive

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