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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be happy there is another lockdown?

72 replies

Callaird · 01/11/2020 10:33

I live in London, work 3 days a week at the moment thanks to my employer.

My parents and sibling live 70 miles away. My mum has MND my dad has Alzheimer’s and vascular dementia. I drive to London on Monday night and back to my parents on Thursday night.

Friday I have my 4 year old niece all day, love Fridays!

The rest of the weekend is running around for my parents, there is always lots to do. Medication, food, cleaning, bills, appointments to book (3.5 hours on the phone to 111 yesterday. I called at 10:30am they actually called me back at 5:54 this morning, twice in 3 minutes and I get a voice mail to say they have closed my case so am on hold to them now, 17 minutes and counting)

Mum has 2 full time live in carers, they change regularly, every 3-6 weeks. We do have one regular carer but she is on a 6 week break plus 2 weeks isolation when she is back in the UK. New carers started yesterday, it’s not going well. They don’t seem to hold any information and I have to remind them constantly that mum needs her feed (tube fed), medication or changing her (bed bound) and many other things.

My mental health is shot to pieces but I can’t get to the doctors (in London) as I have to work my 3 days. I did March to August lock down with my parents On my own and it was Hell. I can’t do it again. I can’t travel from London to my parents from Thursday, therefore I will do lockdown in London.

I am really looking forward to it!! Weekends to myself. Having a lie in. Doing nothing for a whole day but slob around in my pyjamas. No driving and getting stuck in traffic for hours on end twice a week.

OP posts:
PostItJoyWeek · 01/11/2020 11:38

Bloody hell. You'd sacrifice everyone else because you can't say no. Take an assertiveness course. Own it. Say no, it is too much to people. It will change your life.

Original poster
Callaird · 01/11/2020 11:50

@lljkk

You could have said "No" to all the caring/driving before. It wasn't a legal obligation for you to be your parents' carer.
I know I have no legal obligation to look after my parents. I do have an emotional obligation. I love my parents. I hate that they are both having to go through everything they are dealing with. My mum has gone from a healthy happy woman to bed bound, unable to speak or eat and incontinence in the space of 18 months.

I would never have walked away from them.

OP posts:
kowari · 01/11/2020 11:52

@nothingcomestonothing I agree!

Ignoringequally · 01/11/2020 11:56

I know I have no legal obligation to look after my parents. I do have an emotional obligation

I’m a bit confused, will they be getting extra help throughout lockdown now as you can’t care for them?

Original poster
Callaird · 01/11/2020 11:57

@kowari

Sorry I don't understand, will your parents not need help under lockdown?
My mum has two live in carers. My worry is that the carers that mum will get locked down with only arrived yesterday. They struggle with everything and mum gets frustrated that they don’t do things right or at the right time because they are learning a new schedule but she cannot speak. She has a speech app on her iPad but her hands are failing her and she doesn’t always spell words correctly. She is more frustrated with herself for no longer being able to do the things she did 18 months ago.
OP posts:
Original poster
Callaird · 01/11/2020 11:59

@LaurieFairyCake

Unfortunately you're still allowed to go And care for your parents Sad

It sounds like they need way more help than you can give - the carers absolutely need to be in place/useful/be reliable

I know I can go and help them if there really is a need but I would have to go down and back in the same day. I cannot afford to drive up and back 4 days a week. I may be able to do it for a month but we all know this is likely to get extended.
OP posts:
Original poster
Callaird · 01/11/2020 12:07

@Hickorydickoryspock

I can see why you are happy about it and I hope you get the rest you need you sound like you deserve it. However i can't say I'm happy in general... its going to be hard for a lot of people. I do think that personally for me its important to look on the bright side.. sometimes thats hard but there are plus points to a lock down for me at least. My main feeling is one of relief that maybe this lockdowm will deal with the rising infection rates and we won't have to be as worried over Christmas. I'm also glad my mother will hopefully be a bit safer as she has a long term life shortening illness and would almost certainly die very quickly if she caught covid. Tbh the lockdown makes me feel a bit more secure about her. Its going to be hard for my children though. I'd already psychologically prepared for a Christmas with only my husband and kids no other family. The lockdown hasn't effected that.
Thank you hickorydickoryspock

I do know that this is going to negatively affect so many people and companies and it’s so bad for many.

I’m just thinking about myself for 10 minutes after calls at 12:15 and 6am. I’m tired, emotional, guilt ridden and gutted that I will no longer have my support system in place (friends in London I can’t see and new man near my parents who has been a rock recently and gives the best hugs and doesn’t mind when I sob on his shoulder!

OP posts:
Ratatcat · 01/11/2020 12:13

I think you’re getting a hard time. Your post just screams that you can’t cope with the caring anymore and are grateful for a break. I do think you need to re- look at whether your current set-up is viable. Your parents may find the continuity of a care home setting better than lots of new faces coming in and out and you’d be able to carry on without breaking. You wouldn’t be abandoning them but supporting them to have appropriate care.

Takemetothebar · 01/11/2020 12:17

I’m pleased you’re happy. I wish you didn’t feel the need to crow about it. The business is folding, I’m headed for redundancy, my daughter’s in tears, my father is stuck abroad and I haven’t seen him in over a year, my mother is dead. I’m glad you’re happy. At least someone is.

IrmaFayLear · 01/11/2020 12:23

Agree this doesn’t really have anything to do with Covid; you would be better off and get much more understanding in the Elderly Parents section (unless some holier than thought prat has decreed that it’s ageist to call your parents elderly...).

Anyway, I think it’s time for a care home - for the sake of all concerned. Mil was actually much better (physically) after going to a care home. Obviously dementia is a one-way street and and a horrible one at that. But a good care home (good, note) will provide all the hoists, personal care, appropriate food (dementia people quickly regress to wanting childhood food which family find hard to grasp, “But Mum hates stew/jam roll poly!”) and probably company that is so difficult to manage in one’s own home, even with a team of home carers.

CrotchBurn · 01/11/2020 12:59

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MarthaWashingtonsFeralTomcat · 01/11/2020 13:04

It sounds like a much-needed break for you. I'm sorry that life has been so hard that something as shit as lockdown seems like a blessed relief! It sounds like you'll be sacrificing lots of the nice bits of life just like the rest of us. Rest up, take the time to breathe, and maybe use the headspace of lockdown to think up a more robust long term plan for your parents.

It is ok to see things differently. You are a person and you matter.

IrmaFayLear · 01/11/2020 13:47

I think OP should get title of thread changed. She is clearly not one of those "baking and time as our little family" smugtastics who felt the need to post during the last lockdown.

Blonde87 · 01/11/2020 14:04

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PinkiOcelot · 01/11/2020 14:13

Wow some of the responses on this thread are disgusting frankly. It’s not a race to the bottom. There is always going to be someone worse off (in their eyes) than the OP.
However, OP certainly hasn’t had it easy and doesn’t deserve to be berated so much for looking forward to a break in her circumstances, even for a short while.
I’m sorry OP, but I agree with a PP. This situation is not sustainable. The fact that your parents have live in full time carers and you still have to do so much is wrong frankly. You should not have to be doing so much. I imagine these carers don’t come cheap.
You need to start thinking about you.

Chillichutney1 · 01/11/2020 15:35

Some pps are really lacking humanity, carers are human beings too, and if this has been going on for 18 months I can understand OP is happy to have a break, knowing that her parents have live in carers. It’s not OP crowing about lockdown, she’s just happy to have a reason to slow down for a bit.

Have a rest OP, hope your parents are ok over lockdown and you can go back to them stronger and refreshed. Flowers

SchrodingersImmigrant · 01/11/2020 15:43

I think some posters are being bit unfair to you.

I quite get what you mean. We have similar situation in a family but in a different country with much stricter lockdown. It is an incredible respite for my family member that they cannot go. Even though they love their relative. They go every weekend (unless on holidays) and sit there and see them deteriorate and when lucid talking about how they wished they died.
Not having this is just... I can see the difference. The positivness returning...
I get you.

For some people there are sad yet positive sides of lockdowns...

myhobbyisouting · 01/11/2020 15:46

Enjoy the break OP, you've had a lot to deal with. Make sure you make the most of it and look after your mental health.

Londonmummy66 · 01/11/2020 15:47

YABU so many young people have already struggled through the first lockdown with no work and worried about whether they will be in a job afterwards. More businesses will fold. Freelancers in the arts who were just starting to get a little bit of work will be screwed over all over again.

But bully for you you'll get weekends in your pjs.....

WhereamI88 · 01/11/2020 16:29

Your situation has nothing to do with Covid and the new rules don't prevent you from still caring for your parents. Just because you're unable to be an adult about your own life, doesn't mean the rest of us should have sympathy for you when this is gonna be a horrific time for many many people.

Doingitaloneandproud · 01/11/2020 16:33

@Londonmummy66

YABU so many young people have already struggled through the first lockdown with no work and worried about whether they will be in a job afterwards. More businesses will fold. Freelancers in the arts who were just starting to get a little bit of work will be screwed over all over again.

But bully for you you'll get weekends in your pjs.....

This

Great, it'll be good for you but why feel the need to make a thread about it and how good it'll be. You must have known it would have wound people up, some of whom could be losing their businesses/jobs. I'm not looking forward to it as after the last one my Nan told us she had wanted to kill herself several times but I'm glad you get a lie in Thanks

millymollymoomoo · 01/11/2020 17:02

Self absorbed selfish post
YABU
HTH

Bookworm65 · 01/11/2020 17:15

It sounds lovely, OP and I'm happy for you. I only wish I could do the same but I will be working as usual throughout lockdown.

Original poster
Callaird · 01/11/2020 22:48

@Cabinfever10

Hi *@Callaird* I really do mean this in the nicest possibly way but it sounds as if your parents are at a point where they would be better off in care home since they both need full-time live in care. I know that this may sound harsh and I don't in any way think that its an easy thing to decide but it would give them a more consistent level of care with less change of carers (due to burnout). It would also free yourself from all the extra duty (prescriptions, shopping etc) and allow you to have more quality time with them and give you a break as you sound as if you are suffering from burnout yourself.
I totally agree @Cabinfever10.

I think mum would be better off in a home, unfortunately she refuses point blank. There is nothing wrong with her mind and they cannot make her go. Dad too, to a lesser extent and once mum goes he will have to go into a home as he is not safe at home alone.

I wish we could convince them both but we have been told that they won’t go into the same home as they have different complex needs.

OP posts:
Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 01/11/2020 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.