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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed/upset

54 replies

Daisy2206 · 31/10/2020 23:32

So I have an almost 4 week old baby, partner was going out with lads tonight to wet the babies head, I was to have a couple of the girls over so I wasn't alone while he was gone. Wine and cheese night, so I'd spent quite a bit on different cheeses, wines, chutneys, nice bread. Had tidied and cleaned key areas whilst running on little sleep...
10 minutes before they are due to come over one friend messages me to ask if they could just pop in for an hour because it's her birthday next weekend a snow we're going into lockdown she wants to see people and celebrate (get pissed) otherwise she'll be sad she didn't get to do anything for her birthday.
I was pissed off and told her to either come for the planned evening, or not bother. So she didn't bother. Nor did the other friend as she went out to the pub too but didn't even have the decency to message me and say she wasn't coming.

Oh and these two girls are supposed to be babies godmothers.

OP posts:

AnxMummy10 · 01/11/2020 07:35

Going against the grain here slightly.
Given the lockdown I do think it changes it slightly. Your friend offered to still pop by but you were very rude to give her an ultimatum.
The other friend was completely wrong though to not even bother to message at least.
I think it was completely fair of the friend wanting to celebrate her birthday and still spend a bit of time with you. I dont blame her for not turning up after your reaction.

Whitehorsewaves · 01/11/2020 08:13

AnxMummy10

I agree. Are your other friends single? if so could have been their last chance to socialise out in the world for a while which I can see would be really important to them.

Your friend not turning up was rude, but you were very wrong to issue an ultimatum. Dangling the opportunity to be godmother and making them do the pick me dance isn't a good look either.

I don't mean to offend but a cheese and wine party on a Saturday night versus going out to town is never going to end well. I'm guessing you're all young so can understand the lure of a big night out when it's going to snatched away from you again.

I would have rearranged for Sunday night, then everyone could come and you could have had a laugh talking about their antics on their night out.

Nottherealslimshady · 01/11/2020 08:21

Nice friend sounds like a better godmother. Friends who cared more about getting pissed than you and your baby or even sticking to agreed plans are clearly not good friends.

SpeccyLime · 01/11/2020 08:21

YANBU, that is so rude and thoughtless. I’d also be reconsidering them as godparents - if they can’t prioritise your prior invitation to something like this, they’re poor friends and role models.

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2020 08:24

Well even you say her plan sounded better.

I see her point, she wanted to celebrate her birthday, and a night in with you eating cheese and biscuits didn’t cut it. She was still willing to come.

Personally I’d have compromised like she was trying to.

SpeccyLime · 01/11/2020 08:25

I don't mean to offend but a cheese and wine party on a Saturday night versus going out to town is never going to end well.

Unless you are absolutely mannerless you will know that this a irrelevant. It doesn’t matter what the nature of the invitation is - you don’t cancel established plans at the last minute because a better offer has come along. It’s utterly crass and graceless to think that’s acceptable.

(Also, it was rude to suggest that OP’s party was never going to live up to the night on the town. Personally, I would pick an evening with a couple of close friends having cheese and wine and a nice conversation over a sweaty, coronavirus-riddled pub full of shrieking, drunk adults every time. We all like different things).

Nocaloriesinchocolate · 01/11/2020 08:26

Bluesheep8 I don't know what denomination OP is but in the C of E its traditional to have 2 godparents of the same sex (hardly dare use that word these days but ykwim) and one of the opposite sex

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2020 08:29

you don’t cancel established plans at the last minute because a better offer has come along

But she wasn’t suggesting to Cancel she was trying to do both. It was thr op suggested to Cancel.

FallonsTeaRoom · 01/11/2020 08:30

@Bluesheep8

Sorry if this is off topic but 2 godmothers? I've never heard of this, I thought it was 1 godmother and 1 godfather?

Can have up to 3 Godparents.

Traditionally 2 Godmothers, 1 Godfather for a girl and 2 Godfathers, 1 Godmother for a boy.

In practice, whatever suits. You know your own friends best.

Whitehorsewaves · 01/11/2020 08:31

speccylime

You sound like hyacinth bucket! I'm sure Debrett's doesn't have a chapter covering pandemic situations, so flexibility in unprecedented times is required.

I don't believe I was rude to suggest an alternative perspective but thanks for trying to patronise me

RandomMess · 01/11/2020 08:32

I am wondering if when you told her "not to bother" she did realise you were hurt and upset or she actually thought you didn't mind??

Perhaps she thought you were quite happy with a night in on your own?

Appalling friend though!

HunterHearstHelmsley · 01/11/2020 08:33

So did the nice friend ditch her original plans to come to yours? Waiting for the pissed off thread from her friends.

FallonsTeaRoom · 01/11/2020 08:35

I would have rearranged for Sunday night, then everyone could come and you could have had a laugh talking about their antics on their night out

Yeah, nothing better than sharing anecdotes from a fun night out where one person there couldn't go

Bluntness100 · 01/11/2020 08:35

Appalling friend though!

Why? She was still coming. She just wanted to go out too, because of her birthday and lock down, so attempted to compromise. Yes it’s shit the op can’t go out too, and yes ideally for the op they’d have stayed all night, and I’m sure if it wasn’t for lock down they would have.

FallonsTeaRoom · 01/11/2020 08:37

Personally, I would pick an evening with a couple of close friends having cheese and wine and a nice conversation over a sweaty, coronavirus-riddled pub full of shrieking, drunk adults every time

@SpeccyLime totally agree with you.

Whitehorsewaves · 01/11/2020 08:40

I must be the odd one out then, I enjoy hearing what my friends have been upto, especially when I'd just had a baby. Living vicariously through them at that stage was much easier than trying to do it myself when I was exhausted and sore!

It's not wrong to have a different way of looking at things.

Jimdandy · 01/11/2020 08:48

You were right to not let those friends treat you like this.

Sack them off/distance yourself.

Beautiful3 · 01/11/2020 08:49

They're not friends op. I'm sorry you've had a rubbish night.

Pringlemonster · 01/11/2020 08:49

I learned the hard way ,best to only have family for god parents

Minniem2020 · 01/11/2020 09:02

Totally agree @Pringlemonster. I chose my sister&brother in law for my dc as they're the best parents and couple I know. I didn't want to choose someone else that I don't feel this way about just to make up the numbers which is what I would've been doing

Original poster

Daisy2206 · 01/11/2020 09:34

For those asking about the friend who did come, she didn't cancel her plans. Ironically her plans were seeing her own godchildren and throwing them a mini Halloween party. She did this and instead of tidying up her house straight away, she came over.

Also to those asking if it's because they're young and single, they're both 25 and live in a house together with one of their partners.

OP posts:

Aridane · 01/11/2020 09:36

@SpeccyLime

I don't mean to offend but a cheese and wine party on a Saturday night versus going out to town is never going to end well.

Exactly - but the they’ll always be shitty self centred people.

Still, at least the OP,has one decent friend and know knows the others are fair weather friends

opinionatedfreak · 01/11/2020 09:48

There are two issues here.

first in group to have a baby (and even if you think you aren't doing it I'm sure you will be talking a lot about your baby)
rude people who change the plans last minute because they got a better offer.

I think new parenthood is the time to find out who your real friends are.

I don't have kids but have spent a lot of years going to visit people at home in the evening so we can keep our friendship alive. Sometimes when their kids were really little I used to even cook dinner at my home and reheat it at theirs.

Now their kids are teenagers they have more flexibility to get out and about and it is has been interesting to see how much the journey to my local neighbourhood (which is nice, so it's not that I"m asking them to come to dodge-villa) puts them off meeting up when I've been doing the reverse journey regularly for years.

Halliehallie9828 · 01/11/2020 09:50

@AnxMummy10

Going against the grain here slightly. Given the lockdown I do think it changes it slightly. Your friend offered to still pop by but you were very rude to give her an ultimatum. The other friend was completely wrong though to not even bother to message at least. I think it was completely fair of the friend wanting to celebrate her birthday and still spend a bit of time with you. I dont blame her for not turning up after your reaction.

I agree with this. Lockdown changes things. She asked to compromise. You threw your dummy out of the pram so she didn’t come.

HaleNo · 01/11/2020 09:50

The way I interpret it is F1 thought OP was being stroppy at saying not to come then, she told F2 who decided not to contact and went to the pub instead, F3 had a valid reason initially saying she couldn't make it but was nice to come round later.

F1 & F2 seem to have different lifestyles at present.

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