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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To just not be able to believe it

148 replies

CutToChase · 30/10/2020 20:26

Okay so maybe I had too much wine.
But I'm sitting here thinking I can't believe that me, and all the people I know, my family, the people I love and also just everyone around the world, all those lives that exist and everybody's individual quests... One day none of us who exist right now will exist. All our big feelings and hopes, and all these different bright personalities... We will just disappear, like none of us ever really mattered.

I just cant get my head around it. It seems so unfair.
I'm also listening to this song which is really upping the emotion: m.youtube.com/watch?feature=share&v=LESFuoW-T7I

OP posts:
RelaisBlu · 30/10/2020 21:42

I just can't get my head around it. It seems so unfair

Unfair? How so? It is one of the few things in life that is utterly fair ie it happens to all of us!

bettbattenburg · 30/10/2020 21:42

Given that we're in the middle of a pandemic and a lot of us are grieving I think your thread is pretty insensitive TBH. The hardest part of grieving for me is that somebody so important to me is doesn't exist any more.

pallisers · 30/10/2020 21:43

@BelsizeNameChange

Try ‘Dust in the Wind’ by Kansas. I’m getting that vibe from this thread.
I walk sometimes in the beautiful Mount Auburn cemetary in Cambridge Massachusetts. There is a gravestone for a young man who died in aroung 1979 and his epitaph is

Dust in the Wind
All we are is Dust in the Wind

My absolutely favourite inscription from that cemetary is a small plaque with an tiny etching of a man on a trapeze and it says

Uncle Carl. Irrepressible Spirit.

CutToChase · 30/10/2020 21:43

@Doubleyikes
I get you. I am so close to my aunts and uncles. None of us kids have had kids (we are all in our 30s) and I just think - what am I going to do, what will be my anchoring when that generation is gone? But even if we had kids of our own, it's not the same. I dont want that particular dynamic and me as "the children" generation to go...

OP posts:
BBCONEANDTWO · 30/10/2020 21:45

@Eckhart

I don't drink. And I find it enormously liberating that we will all be gone one day not too far from now. We can do whatever we like, really: it doesn't matter very much!

-runs naked down the street throwing Werther's Originals at people-

OMG spat out my tea - ha ha
NiceGerbil · 30/10/2020 21:45
  1. Op you need to listen to this
  1. Re 80s. There was lots of upbeat music too and it was a time of great innovation music-wise. Apparently this tends to happen during recessions/ hard times. So with covid and Brexit we may have at least something to look forward to?!
CutToChase · 30/10/2020 21:46

@RelaisBlu
I guess it feels unfair because all humans put so much effort into the act of living and improving their lives but we have nothing at the end of it. It's like why do we think and feel so much, how can we be wired that way, when the end result is so empty.

@bettbattenburg I dont think your comment is relevant. Being in the midst of a pandemic doesnt take away from the fact that we can feel small and fleeting. In fact it adds to it. Emotions dont stop because a global pandemic is on the run. If you feel that solemn about it why would you even come onto AIBU in the first place?

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 30/10/2020 21:46

It's called the phenomenon of depressive realism.

Essentially, you're bang on, but it hurts to think like that.

I try to see it as a beautiful cycle, life only has meaning because it must end. And every atom is recycled and becomes something new. Without that cycle, life could never have evolved because in a short time all the basic elemental ingredients would have been used up.

Try the Donnie Darko soundtrack, maybe watch the film even. And two pints of water and a sandwich maybe?

pallisers · 30/10/2020 21:47

A more cheerful take on the old existential crisis

An Arundel Tomb
BY PHILIP LARKIN
Side by side, their faces blurred,

The earl and countess lie in stone,

Their proper habits vaguely shown

As jointed armour, stiffened pleat,

And that faint hint of the absurd—

The little dogs under their feet.

Such plainness of the pre-baroque

Hardly involves the eye, until
It meets his left-hand gauntlet, still

Clasped empty in the other; and

One sees, with a sharp tender shock,

His hand withdrawn, holding her hand.

They would not think to lie so long.

Such faithfulness in effigy
Was just a detail friends would see:
A sculptor’s sweet commissioned grace

Thrown off in helping to prolong

The Latin names around the base.

They would not guess how early in
Their supine stationary voyage
The air would change to soundless damage,

Turn the old tenantry away;
How soon succeeding eyes begin
To look, not read. Rigidly they

Persisted, linked, through lengths and breadths

Of time. Snow fell, undated. Light
Each summer thronged the glass. A bright

Litter of birdcalls strewed the same
Bone-riddled ground. And up the paths

The endless altered people came,

Washing at their identity.

Now, helpless in the hollow of

An unarmorial age, a trough
Of smoke in slow suspended skeins

Above their scrap of history,

Only an attitude remains:

Time has transfigured them into

Untruth. The stone fidelity
They hardly meant has come to be

Their final blazon, and to prove

Our almost-instinct almost true:

What will survive of us is love.

RelaisBlu · 30/10/2020 21:48

I'm with you Eckhart the insignificance of everything in the end has always been a great comfort to me

RelaisBlu · 30/10/2020 21:51

why do we think and feel so much.......when the end result is so empty

CutToChase, That's the Human Condition

bettbattenburg · 30/10/2020 21:54

[quote CutToChase]@RelaisBlu
I guess it feels unfair because all humans put so much effort into the act of living and improving their lives but we have nothing at the end of it. It's like why do we think and feel so much, how can we be wired that way, when the end result is so empty.

@bettbattenburg I dont think your comment is relevant. Being in the midst of a pandemic doesnt take away from the fact that we can feel small and fleeting. In fact it adds to it. Emotions dont stop because a global pandemic is on the run. If you feel that solemn about it why would you even come onto AIBU in the first place?[/quote]
@cuttochase Solumn is the generally accepted way that people feel about grieving, it's not usually something that people are happy about it.

AIBU is AIBU not a forum solely for discussing bereavement so obviously people who are bereaved are going to be reading AIBU, particularly when a thread doesn't have title that means we can choose to avoid bereavement threads. I don't read the bereavement threads as it's not helpful for me though I understand that it is for others but there isn't a reason not to visit AIBU.

Emotion doesn't stop because of a pandemic no, they can be heightened and especially for people who are grieving. This thread is not, for me, one that helps. It's up to me to make that decision whether it is relevant or not. I'm now hiding the thread so won't see any further posts you make on directed at me.

GinAtMerlottes · 30/10/2020 21:54

I find these concepts incredibly comforting really.

Mouldiwarp1 · 30/10/2020 21:55

@Doubleyikes. I’m 60 too and I can tell you exactly when time started speeding up - 1968! It was the first year when I was aware of the passage of time I expect, but I distinctly remember thinking how fast it had gone. Where the past 30 years have gone though, I have no idea .....

notcycling · 30/10/2020 21:55

Also, did you know that unless you have achieved something remarkable, it takes 3 generations for you to be basically forgotten.

NRatched · 30/10/2020 21:59

[quote CutToChase]@NRatched

I'm glad you got to express this thought you've had, it's not one I think if but there is a similar (maybe?) thought I get sometimes that freaks me out a bit. It happens when I'm standing at a train station and I think to myself - my brain controls everything i do, so my brain is preventing me from stepping in front of a train right now. But what if my brain disobeyed me - or rather what of my body disobeyed my brain. Or what if now I've had the thought, my brain will command my body to step onto the tracks, while my conscious mind doesnt want it to. I can get the same thought if I'm on a top floor of a tall window. It's nothing to do with suicidal thoughts btw, just it's like all of a sudden I realise how much power my brain has and I wonder at the difference between a brain giving an order and your "self" (but what is a self if not a brain) not wanting the same thing.

Sorry I'm not explaining this very well. But your thought process reminded me of that[/quote]
That sounds exactly like what I meant. Have had pretty much exactly what you desribe above, but its usually when waling on a path near busy roads! So so weird. Its usually self inflicted though, when it makes me almost trance, when for some reason I go wandering down the 'how does my brain know I want to think this exact thought' kind of route! The outside ones are random, and nothing seems to trigger them as such, odd odd feeling though. And yeah, the car/train thing is not about suicide, but freaking out incase something 'misfires' or something! Glad I am not alone in that anyway, felt like a bit of a tit writing that post Grin

73kittycat73 · 30/10/2020 22:02

I suppose a lot of it though depends on what-if anything-you think will happen next (After death.).
I know some people are terrified at the thought of an afterlife, but to me it's the opposite, comforting. I hope I get to see my Nana again and long lost pets.
As for reincarnation, if I have to come back to Earth, I'm coming back as a pampered cat!

Delta1 · 30/10/2020 22:12

I know. All of us. Every single one. Nobody who is currently over 20 is likely to see the next century.
**
Balls.

I love this Smile

PeanuttyButter · 30/10/2020 22:14

What I want to know is where are all the bones of all the dead people that ever existed? Surely if dinosaur bones are still around then bones from 500 years ago must be somewhere...

Noimusntforget · 30/10/2020 22:14

Killing moon-Echo & the bunny men, v appropriate with the moon, Halloween etc, plus you wanted 80’s vibes-awesome song

tillytoodles1 · 30/10/2020 22:14

I know how you feel OP. One day we won't exist anymore and all the people that we know will be dead too. It's quite scary, but thats how it goes.

EdnaSilem · 30/10/2020 22:18

Doubleyikes just wait til you're 80 Grin

I've enjoyed reading this thread and especially liked one of the longer posts by inextremis, and also the Larkin poem which was new to me.

Something that made me pause many years ago was the realisation that every single item in my house, whether simple or complex, practical or pleasing, had been made by another person, maybe living at a different time, and of all the different people perhaps involved in the design and execution or production of tools and materials along the way, and of the source of the raw materials and the people involved with those - and however distant those people now in space and time, they still represent a tangible part of my present life.

Wasn't it Forster who said 'only connect'?

3ormorecharacters · 30/10/2020 22:18

I know how you feel. Death seems so abstract, then you realise that one day you will actually take your last breath and cease to exist. As will everyone you know and every random man, woman, child, baby you see. It's kind of bizarre.

I live near a big cemetery and it always brings it home to see all the old, unloved, wonky memorials. All those people were so important to those they left behind, but give it a couple of generations and no one has a clue who they were or gives a toss about their graves.

I think it's healthy to reflect on these things sometimes.

pointythings · 30/10/2020 22:19

Everything is transient. I quite like the idea that when I die, ultimately all the molecules that make up my substance will once again become a random part of the universe to be used at some point. It's the ultimate in recycling. I am completely at peace with the concept of no afterlife.

73kittycat73 · 30/10/2020 22:26

My Nana died when I was 4 and it's had a massive affect on my life. Even now, at 46, when I'm conversing with my 69 YO mother I'm thinking, 'Drink this all in, this moment, as one day she'll be gone and you won't be able to.' Death has always been a shadow.
I personally can't wait to die. I've not enjoyed my life, I've found it very, very stressful. I just hope that there is something nice afterwards.

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