Abortion/guilt/pressure

[Chaaargail]

So I am 24 and currently live with my parents. My boyfriend is a recovering drug addict, he had his own flat but does not work due to mental health. I just found out I’m pregnant and according to my Flo app I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. My boyfriend is all for abortion he was so nice and sensitive about it but basically said he’s not ready and he’s worried about his addiction and just being stressed and doesn’t want to raise a baby in the flat he is in now. I completely understand and I am not ready for a baby myself but I just am not 100% about the abortion! There’s a part of me that wants to keep it and just hopes he changes his mind but if he doesn’t I just feel like I have to have an abortion because I just can’t do that to him, we have such an amazing relationship but we haven’t been together long only about 6 months. I just feel so guilty and I’m so scared about the abortion and I don’t know what to do. I have a consultation with bpas next week :/ said to boyfriend I’ll sort out the abortion but I can’t stop thinking about it and just hoping he will change his mind.

Sorry to hear about your situation.

The final decision is totally yours to make.

It sounds as if your boyfriend would not be reliable at all due to his recovery and mental health issues, which to be honest are valid issues for him. It just means if you go ahead you have to be prepared to do this alone. Do feel pressured by anyone so what’s right for you x

Didn't want to read and run. I had a surgical abortion at 15 (I know that's ridiculously young, bad situation) they put me to sleep to do it though and it was scary but obviously for me it was the right choice. This is your choice OP only do it if you are 100% sure. You can't take it back. If it's the right thing for you, then do it. If not, don't. Don't be afraid to be a single parent either, it's hard but so rewarding. Good luck OP X

This is fundamentally your choice OP - your boyfriend’s opinion is to be considered, but it’s not the deciding factor.

What I would advise is that if you proceed with the pregnancy, you will need to embrace the likelihood that you will do so as a single parent because you absolutely can’t rely on your boyfriend changing his mind and becoming a brilliant, involved father. He might, and that would be wonderful. But it’s not a solid foundation, and realistically it’s more likely that he’ll never really step up to the situation.

That’s not necessarily a reason to have an abortion - you might feel totally able and willing to be a single parent, in which case continuing the pregnancy might be the right choice for you. But if you really don’t want to be a single parent or don’t think you would cope with it, it may be that this just isn’t the right time or situation for you.

It might help to call Marie Stopes - they have trained advisors who can help you work through your feelings about the decision.

Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best

Thank you guys, I guess I’m just so scared about him and I don’t want to be the reason as to why he relapses or finds it difficult I am fully prepared to do it alone and I don’t really mind that I just can’t help but feel guilt about it for him :/

As others have said, be prepared to do this alone if you do continue with the pregnancy because your partner doesn't sound like he will be reliable.

I had a medical abortion in 2016 at 7 weeks pregnant and it really fucked me up emotionally. I have completely made peace with it now and I know I made the right decision, but it is a very difficult thing to go through. Physically it was not that bad - mild cramping a few hours after taking the pessaries, passed the sac then bled very heavily for a few hours. I continued to bleed for about five weeks which was probably the worst part. Overall it was not as bad as I thought it would be.

I second someone else's suggestion of speaking to a Marie Stopes counsellor.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I feel like I would feel so so upset seeing the sac and just the bleeding because of the thought of the whole process. I wish I was a stronger person to just say to him I want to keep it. I am worried I will feel very emotional after too. Just feel so limited of time of that makes sense. I probably just sound a bit silly maybe at this point but it’s a very difficult situation when you actually have to experience it.

@Chaaargail

Thank you guys, I guess I’m just so scared about him and I don’t want to be the reason as to why he relapses or finds it difficult I am fully prepared to do it alone and I don’t really mind that I just can’t help but feel guilt about it for him :/

You really need to end the relationship if you think that anything you do will cause him to shoot up again, as that false narrative is how addicts coerce and manipulate people to enable and fund their addictions.

Whatever you decide, do it for you, assuming that he won't be around in any meaningful sense. He's already dangled the possibility that he'll use again if you continue with the pregnancy. He's made it clear that he doesn't want you to be in his flat other than when doing fun stuff. Somebody that clearly against the idea is not going to become Parent of the year when a baby is born. And he'll be able to say that he told you from the outset.

Don't feel guilty for him. Don't have a termination for him. And don't have a baby thinking that he'll miraculously become the most wonderful person in the world.

Think of yourself. It's probably difficult to do when you've been suckered in to the 'put the poor victim first', but still, think of yourself. Where would you live (not with him), how would you pay the bills (not with help from him), how would you make up for the absence of a father (as he's already told you that will happen)? Do you actually want to have a child right now?

@Chaaargail

Thank you for sharing your experience, I feel like I would feel so so upset seeing the sac and just the bleeding because of the thought of the whole process. I wish I was a stronger person to just say to him I want to keep it. I am worried I will feel very emotional after too. Just feel so limited of time of that makes sense. I probably just sound a bit silly maybe at this point but it’s a very difficult situation when you actually have to experience it.

You don't sound silly at all, it's a really really tough situation to be in. I found out I was pregnant at just over four weeks and agonised over it for 2 weeks before making my decision. I know I made the right decision for me but it does seem like you want to keep the baby and are simply scared of upsetting your boyfriend. Would your parents be supportive if you continued the pregnancy?

Whatever you decide about the pregnancy, your BF sounds like bad news! Unwise to continue the relationship: you can do far better, and his focus should be sobriety.

My mum would be very supportive but I know she won’t be very happy about it considering the circumstances really. My boyfriend is great and supportive and nothing he said was in an awful way, he said he’s even up for having children with me in the future just not now but easily said than done. I only found out last week so perhaps I need more time. I love children I always have I even work in a Pre school it’s my world but it’s very much so unplanned and I’m not ready but I dunno! I’ve always been really open to abortions which is why I’m struggling so much now I’m so confused why I’m feeling like this when I’ve honestly always said ‘yep abortion all the way if I’m not ready’ like it was nothing but in reality it’s a way harder and more sensitive decision for me.

Maybe talk this through with your Mum? And have a thorough and honest conversation with your boyfriend and tell him how you really feel. It definitely seems like you need a bit more time to think about it.

I'm in the middle of a medical abortion. The bleeding started two days ago. It's been completely fine. You're so early in the pregnancy you're highly unlikely to "see" anything. I haven't. It's just been like a very heavy period. Mild cramps that went away once I took pain relief. I appreciate everyone's experience will be different but physically it's been nothing really and I've had two young children to look after throughout.

Having a baby with an unemployed, recovering drug addict who you've known for six months would be insanity, especially at your age and circumstances (I assume you're not financially secure since you live with your parents). You've your whole life in front of you, and going through with this pregnancy alters your life forever. It's ultimately your choice but you'd be knowingly signing up to a shit show IMO. Don't you want more for yourself?

Best of luck whatever you decide.

@Chaaargail

My mum would be very supportive but I know she won’t be very happy about it considering the circumstances really. My boyfriend is great and supportive and nothing he said was in an awful way, he said he’s even up for having children with me in the future just not now but easily said than done. I only found out last week so perhaps I need more time. I love children I always have I even work in a Pre school it’s my world but it’s very much so unplanned and I’m not ready but I dunno! I’ve always been really open to abortions which is why I’m struggling so much now I’m so confused why I’m feeling like this when I’ve honestly always said ‘yep abortion all the way if I’m not ready’ like it was nothing but in reality it’s a way harder and more sensitive decision for me.

It's just as easy to coerce somebody by being so terribly nice about things and giving them a hope for the future - not everybody shouts and screams. And addicts can be masters of this technique, whether or not they're currently using.

The way you are feeling so responsible for him rings massive alarm bells.

Yes, it is a difficult decision for you and it isn't ever 'nothing' to have to make your decision. It may be 'nothing' to somebody else, but to you, it isn't. That's absolutely normal and it's perfectly reasonable to feel sad at the same time as recognising the very real concerns you have and knowing you aren't ready to become a parent right now.

Concentrating upon your welfare in a different way, though - have you seen evidence that he has received a recent clear HIV and Hepatitis test in the last month? Not an 'oh, I've been tested and everything's fine'? Because you're having unprotected sex with somebody who is intrinsically a very high risk for infection and has a vested interest in you not knowing this .

The decision is yours and you should look at counselling/advice.

However six months in, your boyfriend is in his recovery journey and telling you that this news is going to mess him up. He should be fully focussing on his recovery and staying clean right now-not starting a new relationship where yes, a pregnancy can happen.

I don’t kean to sound horrible but I’d leave this relationship, just reading about it you can see where it’s heading, sorry.

Final decision is yours and only yours. He can only tell you his views, which he should do so you know where you both stand. Having all the facts is important.

However, you should be prepared to be a lone parent if you do decide to go ahead. Don’t have a baby in the hope he will come round to the idea and you can be a happy family. That might happen, but it’s just as (if not more) likely that it won’t. So go ahead because it’s what you want and can cope going it alone (though maybe you would have family support, which would be helpful). Your boyfriend will have to provide financial support- but if he is not working this will be minimal. He is not obliged to provide emotional or practical support, so you need to factor this in.

In his position, I think his concerns are valid but that does not mean that you have to have an abortion that you don’t want for his benefit. I think speaking to someone independent (counsellors from BPAS, there are usually also other organisations offering support) may help you clarify what you want.

I completely understand what everyone is saying. Honestly I don’t care if we ending up being a big happy family it’s not my intention to keep the baby to ‘save’ our relationship because our relationship is great at the moment. There are a lot of things I need to think about and I think I’m being selfish wanting to keep the baby just because I feel worried about the abortion or worried about my emotional state. I am someone that I just know for a fact I’d be a very hands on mum whether I had his support or not I don’t feel as though I need a man to help me because I know I’d be a great mum I just know. My concern is I just want the other half’s permission it’s as much a part of them as it is me and I don’t want to be responsible for changing someone’s life forever THATS why I feel guilty I think a lot about others before I do anything so this decision is hard.

It’s up to you whether you chose to keep your baby. It’s up to him whether he chooses to take drugs. Keep those two things in your mind, and make your decision.

And sort out your ‘guilt’ issues. This is a very bad combination when dating a recovering addict.

You're not "selfish" at all for wanting to keep the baby!! You're thinking about the baby already. That's so natural, mums have an incredible protective instinct. Please don't feel bad about that. It's okay and natural to put your child before your partner. In fact that's how it should be as your partner is an adult whereas a baby depends on you for protection.

Could you stay with your parents for a little longer and have the baby there rather than in your boyfriend's flat? His addiction issues or the extent to which he does or doesn't want to be involved are entirely HIS issues. You are not responsible for them. You both made the baby together so please do not feel guilty whatsoever about the impact on him. You need to focus on yourself and your baby now. I wish you all the very best x

The guilt I’m talking about is to do with making a life changing decision for someone else. I think it’s horrid to just decide such a massive thing in someone’s life in a way that’s not considerate at all I think for men it’s very stressful because they have no choice it seems and I’m sorry but I’m not okay with that I feel as though he has the right to have some say in the decision. Yes it’s MY body but it’s not just MY child or my life to completely change. I’m a very considerate person and just think it’s wrong to think ‘well my choice sorry mate’. I guess I just wanted to see if anyone else had felt the same way as me and how they dealt with it and what they decided. Hearing about people going through the same things just helps me, it’s just the way I am. No judgement to anyone at all, all I was looking for was some advice in this very confusing time.

Thank you for all your feedback to it does help!

Obviously you should not be pressured into doing anything you don’t want to but I think you should think very seriously about the implications of having a child with a drug addict (recovering or not) with no income.

Is that the best start for your child? Is that the father you want for your child?

For me it’s a ‘no’.

Think about the potential child here too. What would it be like for them growing up with a drug addict for a father and a mum struggling to do it all on (I assume) a low wage. Think realistically about the opportunities you will be able to give that child as a single parent. How much exposure you would want that child to have to an addict if he relapses (highly likely) the genetic nature of addiction and mental health problems.

You can't know any of this for sure obviously but they are just other things to think about before you make your decision.

I'm sorry. He won't change his mind but know you can change yours.
I was in a similar situation at 23. I had the unwanted abortion similar reasons to you, he wasn't ready had issues etc my life went downhill out of control partying all night. I couldn't get over it as I realise he didn't care really he wanted a quick fix.
I eventually met DP together 15 years 2 DC.
It has been 17 years now.
I know it was the right decision now as he had no respect for me though not necessarily the right decision then.
This is your choice.

I need to think about and I think I’m being selfish wanting to keep the baby just because I feel worried about the abortion or worried about my emotional state
It is the opposite of selfish. He isn't worrying about your emotions he's worrying about his own.

I am someone that I just know for a fact I’d be a very hands on mum whether I had his support or not I don’t feel as though I need a man to help me because I know I’d be a great mum
I thought that too. I couldn't believe what I'd done to protect his emotionally state without sparing a thought for mine there's no un-doing an abortion.