Abortion/guilt/pressure

[Chaaargail]

So I am 24 and currently live with my parents. My boyfriend is a recovering drug addict, he had his own flat but does not work due to mental health. I just found out I’m pregnant and according to my Flo app I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. My boyfriend is all for abortion he was so nice and sensitive about it but basically said he’s not ready and he’s worried about his addiction and just being stressed and doesn’t want to raise a baby in the flat he is in now. I completely understand and I am not ready for a baby myself but I just am not 100% about the abortion! There’s a part of me that wants to keep it and just hopes he changes his mind but if he doesn’t I just feel like I have to have an abortion because I just can’t do that to him, we have such an amazing relationship but we haven’t been together long only about 6 months. I just feel so guilty and I’m so scared about the abortion and I don’t know what to do. I have a consultation with bpas next week :/ said to boyfriend I’ll sort out the abortion but I can’t stop thinking about it and just hoping he will change his mind.

Thank you for sharing that. Yeah I see what you mean I do need to put myself first and the baby first also. I think hearing what other people are saying it’s clear my situation is very different and difficult, as much as I’d love to be a mum and carry my child I know it’s probably for the best interest of the baby to abort. It’s so difficult knowing what the right thing to do is especially when you’re so emotional! 😭😂 thank you everyone for taking the time to give me your thoughts and advice

* Having a baby with an unemployed, recovering drug addict who you've known for six months would be insanity, *

Agree

Having an abortion with a guy who doesn’t want a kid and is an addict with no job.

Firstly, why are you even with him.

Secondly, yes it’s normal to feel guilty about a termination of a pregnancy but that doesn’t mean women shouldn’t have it

I think there is only remorse about getting pregnant and not taking the right precautions/conception failing etc - you didn’t choose this situation but now you have to choose what to do.

OP if you'd love to be a mum and carry the child, it is NOT in the best interest of your baby to be aborted Is your family supportive at all? Even for women later in life it can be scary to find out they're pregnant and you start worrying about everything years down the line - but sometimes some of these things also work themselves out in ways you couldn't have anticipated. Please don't be pressured or guilted of into having an abortion you don't want - whether by your boyfriend or by people on here. It is absolutely okay to want your baby, and I'm sure you would be a wonderful, loving mother.

Because he’s a very kind hearted, genuine and amazing guy to me. He had had a very hard life and I do not judge people based on these things and certain struggles that they face. Everyday he is trying to better himself and I completely respect him for that. My ex was very successful, sober and well off but he beat me and treated me like pure shit. So yes it does sound stupid being with someone when you only know that information and not the actual person. Thank you for your opinion.

He doesn't sound like a good catch OP pregnancy or not.
I think you need to work on your self esteem aim higher.
Are you attracted to men who have issues, good people are sucked in subconsciously thinking they can help or thinking it is all they deserve.
Dig deep.

That really means so much to hear! ❤️

I also understand what you mean about "making a life changing decision for someone else" but you're really not. The life changing event (falling pregnant) has already happened and wasn't your fault alone, it was just as much his fault. Whichever way you decide now is going to affect both of your lives forever. An abortion won't just "undo" what happened - it will still be part of your and your boyfriend's life that this happened.

@Chaaargail

Because he’s a very kind hearted, genuine and amazing guy to me. He had had a very hard life and I do not judge people based on these things and certain struggles that they face. Everyday he is trying to better himself and I completely respect him for that. My ex was very successful, sober and well off but he beat me and treated me like pure shit. So yes it does sound stupid being with someone when you only know that information and not the actual person. Thank you for your opinion.

Your benchmark is all wrong.

My husband is successful, sober but also kind and reliable and a whole host of other stuff.

I’m very glad you escaped your abusive ex but don’t let the ‘he doesn’t beat me’ mantra overshadow other massive flaws.

A baby tests the strongest of relationships and the most unshakable mental health.

A relationship of 6 months would be a massive risk without his addiction.

@Chaaargail

Because he’s a very kind hearted, genuine and amazing guy to me. He had had a very hard life and I do not judge people based on these things and certain struggles that they face. Everyday he is trying to better himself and I completely respect him for that. My ex was very successful, sober and well off but he beat me and treated me like pure shit. So yes it does sound stupid being with someone when you only know that information and not the actual person. Thank you for your opinion.

Just because this guy is less abusive than the other guy doesn't mean he is a good person. Did you have counseling for your last abusive relationship, did you try the freedom program?

What is this guy doing for his mental health everyday?what does he do for work? How long has he been sober for? What tangible things does he do to work at recovery, NA meetings, they are running virtual meetings online over lockdown, does he have a sponsor?

You know there are men there who work, have never taken drugs and are great husbands/partners and dads.

That aside, I would rather have the abortion than have a lifetime of parenting a baby while worrying about the fragile health of its dad. Because even if you break up, he'll be your child's father and you'll have to worry about whether he should have contact, whether he's relapsed, etc.

I don't know that changing your boyfriends life would be a bad thing. Avoiding feeling responsible for others is part of addiction, not the road to recovery. Responsibility isn't something we get to choose, it's something we step up to when it presents itself.
Not that I would rely on him to step up. In your situation I'd plan to move into my own place or stay with the parents, not move in with him, until he has some more time under his belt with his recovery. It would be hard at times but you sound pretty resilient, OP.
It's also possible to have the baby but not raise it, which would also be hard but something to consider.

That wasn’t the point I was trying to make by saying that I was just saying stop judging someone you don’t know and don’t know anything about apart from the negatives. why is it so easy for people to do this it’s very shocking. The point I’m trying to make is stop focussing on that it’s not what is my biggest worry I was just concerned of his well being as well as mine and the child. Right now I care about him a lot and do not want to make a silly decision that’s it.

Sometimes you need to just listen. Just listen and don’t judge. I wanted to hear people’s stories and also get some advice I don’t want to hear about my relationship or his addiction I just wanted advice about abortion and how people felt about it that’s all.

And yes, don't let people tell you you can't do it or make you feel guilty. I had a dad who is an addict - he's no longer an addict actively though he's suffered from mental illness for many years. I don't feel like I'd be better off not here, and actually I love him even if he is a bit craze-inducing at times. Nor does my mother wish I wasn't here though he wasn't much help.

I do agree though that while he may be a good person and on the way to recovering, there is something to be said for some stability in a partner you want a future with. Romance is great but a lot of a successful relationship is very practical mundane stuff.

Firstly there is a reason why it’s YOUR choice, and your choice alone. It’s your body, you don’t get the option to just walk away from a pregnancy/baby/child without implications, and the emotional and physical upheaval is all yours to bear whatever your choice and whether a partner is supportive or not. Your life will change as result of this no matter what decision you come to.

It’s nice that your willing and wanting to include him in the decision, but you do really have think of yourself first.

These are some scenarios you perhaps can’t imagine, but nevertheless I would consider them and the implications carefully.

1. You go through with a termination, not because it was what you wanted completely, but you thought it was best for your partner. 3/6/12 months from now, your partner has changed, you split up. How do you think you will feel?

2. You say you work with children, how do you think you will cope returning to working in such a setting following a termination. Will you be able to cope?

3. You continue the pregnancy, and have the baby, beyond being a good mother which you have mentioned, how do you plan to support yourself and your child? Where will you live, will you be able to return to work etc.

4. If you choose to have this baby, you know that you are giving this child a great Mother, but what about the Father? You have to plan for the fact your partner could relapse, your relationship could end, he may be involved as a dad, or maybe never involved at all. Once you have the child it’s not just your life, but will be this childs life too.

This choice is never, ever an easy choice to make regardless of the circumstances. There is never a clear and 100% right choice to make. All you can do with a weigh up all the information, think of the present and the future and make the decision that is kindest to yourself. Kindest to yourself could be having the termination and giving yourself a future that doesn’t tie you indefinitely to your partner, or kindest to yourself maybe to continue the pregnancy come what may. Unfortunately no one can make this decision for you, nobody can tell you what best for you, how it will feel, how you will feel, and nobody including yourself has a crystal ball (wouldn’t that be nice!) to tell the future so that you can peak ahead to see if everything will work out ok in the end.

All you can do is make this choice for you, and it has to be for you, because it will be you who will live with it, and you have to be able to live with yourself.

I’m giving up on this thread. Thank you for your time and feedback.

OP, I don't know that people are necessarily judging him, more thinking through the practicalities.

He could be a great guy, and a good dad. But at this point that's probably not something you can depend on, it may become clearer later.

I don't think you should really have it affect your decision one way or the other.

My advice is always the same on this threads- it is your choice and only yours. Make your choice as if he wasn't going to be around whatever you do- you can't ever be sure that he will be around. None of us can, whatever our partner's life situations are. If you continue the pregnancy he may leave. If you end the pregnancy he may leave. Make your choices knowing that you can't rely on anyone other than yourself to be involved.

BPAS are very, very good at their consultation and will offer you genuinely impartial advice.

stop judging someone you don’t know and don’t know anything about apart from the negatives. why is it so easy for people to do this it’s very shocking

We only know what you told us OP, Mumsnet haven't gone around to your house to look into your windows. I think you need counseling to make this decision. A lot of things to consider.

You shouldn't have an abortion because he isn't ready for a baby. But, you need to be prepared to look after the baby without him, even if that means splitting up. The baby has to be more important to you than he is if you keep it. Baby cant live with a drug addict if he relapses, you'll have to tell him he's not looking after baby if he's not well enough to do so. It may upset him, might make him angry, he might tell you he hates you, but you dont put that baby at risk to spare his feelings.
And in all honesty, I'm not very supportive of abortions because the parents aren't ready for a baby, I dont believe that someone should be able to end someone elses life because it's not what they want. But I worry that your boyfriend may produce an unsafe environment for this baby and the baby will suffer, you need to think whether you you can care for this baby and keep it safe.

If you have an abortion you need to look at your contraceptive and get something more effective or double up, condoms and injection etc.

@Dontbeme

stop judging someone you don’t know and don’t know anything about apart from the negatives. why is it so easy for people to do this it’s very shocking

We only know what you told us OP, Mumsnet haven't gone around to your house to look into your windows. I think you need counseling to make this decision. A lot of things to consider.

Quite. You're the one who said you worry about being the cause of a relapse, OP.

You are not being selfish to keep the baby OP and to not want to be impacted by abortion. Why is that selfish? He is being selfish to put this subtle pressure on you.
The baby would have a very good life with you regardless of who its father is, because you sound like a very good caring, and thoughtful person who would never let it down.

Please don't let your present affection overshadow what is likely to be the far greater bond ahead of you, and other relationships with other men, if it comes to that.

OP my DM is a recovering alcoholic. What I would say that if you do decide to keep the baby and he falls off the rails - it isn't down to you or the baby, that's down to him.

You've only been going out six months and you seem so worried and seem to take the responsibility of keeping him off the drugs, it really is down to him not you.

The amount of times I blamed myself for my DM relapsing or not doing things because I was worried about whether she'd start drinking.

You have only just found out so give yourself time to work out what would be best for you. Your bf is not in a position to be a supportive partner and Dad to baby. I had a school friend who got pregnant at 14 and she was more or less made to have an abortion. I saw her when she was 21 at a party. She was a bit drunk but she cried and told me she had regretted it every single day. She had got depression afterwards. You have 3 options, abortion, have baby and have it adopted or have baby and keep it. Which would be best for you? Talk it through with your Mum. How much support and practical help would she give to you? That should be your first step as if your Mum says you can't have baby living with you in her home then you know you would have to find somewhere of your own. You would get benefits and child benefit. Not sure your bf would pay any child support but he might pay a small amount. Could you do that on your own without bf? Maybe your Mum will surprise you and let you have baby live with you in her home. Maybe it will be too much for you to cope with and am abortion would make it go away. It is just how you would deal with emotions afterwards. If you can't bear to have abortion but can't keep baby either could you give baby up for adoption? I think the baby is fostered for about 6 months this would give you time to be sure you were doing the right thing. Then you sign papers and baby legally belongs to new parents. There is no easy option just 3 hard choices but as you say you love children don't let bf or anyone else bully or pressure you either way. It is your baby and your choice to make. If you choose to abort the quicker the easier for you.