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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling like a terrible mum

35 replies

Keepyourfaith70 · 30/10/2020 08:13

Took DD to nursery this morning in normal clothes. Got there and as we queued up to go in other children arrive in Halloween fancy dress and face paints. There were a few not dresses but I'm feeling really awful because it didn't cross my mind to make the effort for her and I don't want her to feel left out.. We don't celebrate Halloween but I still should have made the effort for her to enjoy being in fancy dress today.. Don't know if I should call nursery and ask them to maybe just do a face paint on her or something as the thought of her feeling left out makes me feel heartbroken.. We've been through a very tough few months and I've been a single mum whose now back to working for 5 months but I feel like I should be thinking about things like this because she's still a child and should enjoy being a child. How do I get past the mum guilt today?

OP posts:
SpeccyLime · 30/10/2020 08:20

Don’t be too hard on yourself OP. At nursery age costumes are more for the parents than the kids! If they do any fun activities she will still be able to participate, and that will be much more meaningful to her.

You’re doing a great job - cut yourself some slack and be gentle to yourself Flowers

DartmoorDoughnut · 30/10/2020 08:22

If it helps my eldest (now 6) hated dressing up at that age so would’ve been one of the only ones not in fancy dress! There are others not dressed up, try not to worry!

Original poster
Keepyourfaith70 · 30/10/2020 08:25

@SpeccyLime @DartmoorDoughnut thank you for taking the time to comment xx
I just feel sad I didn't think of making the effort for her and don't her to be looking around thinking why she's not included. I know it's silly but she's been through so much and has coped so well I'm so proud of her and should have thought about making her feel like a child xx

OP posts:
justthecat · 30/10/2020 08:27

Can you take something with you when you pick her up? Something simple like a witches hat?

Mummydaydreams · 30/10/2020 08:28

My friend dressed her dd up as a penguin for Halloween a few years ago and her dd cried and was grumpy all day at nursery because she didn't want to be a penguin. I think the mum guilt can get you whatever you do.

purringpaws · 30/10/2020 08:29

Did she notice?

Original poster
Keepyourfaith70 · 30/10/2020 08:33

@purringpaws no I don't think she noticed. Just have this vision of her looking around and wondering why she doesn't look like same as all the other witches 🤔. I'm sure she's not the only one not in fancy dress today I guess x

OP posts:
NetflixWatcher · 30/10/2020 08:37

YABU. On a mum guilt scale that's a 2 at most.

notanotheronepleasee · 30/10/2020 08:37

I would feel the same. But I'm sure there is a fancy dress box there that they can get her to choose from

SierraHotel · 30/10/2020 08:41

How old is your dd?
I've done this before but on none uniform day, totally forgot and sent dd in uniform. I felt terrible too but hey, life is busy and sometimes we forget stuff. I work in a nursery, if your dd was in my room I would probably ask if she would like her face painted.

purringpaws · 30/10/2020 08:41

If she didn't noticed i think you are ok, however rubbish you feel now- she is ok.

Have a few things to do later when she's home/ tomorrow . Face paints games. Then you can enjoy it with her. Doesn't need to be much.

I've been there and it's horrible feeling like that but as a PP said, this is quite low key on mum guilt. Take care

MonkeyPuddle · 30/10/2020 08:44

I’m sure the nursery staff are well used to this happening. My sons nursery have an extensive dressing up box which I’m sure they would fish something out of if needs be.
Don’t beat yourself up, sounds like you’ve got a lot going on and in the grand scheme of things she’s not going to be negatively affected in the slightest.
She’s probably having a whale of a time playing party games, reading spooky stories and generally enjoying the chaos of a nursery party day.
Get the kettle on, have a quick word with yourself and get in with your day, you’ve got this mama.

Twistered · 30/10/2020 08:48

Yes ring them and ask can they dress her up or paint her face. They'll be absolutely fine and glad you phoned.

I work in childcare .... We are having dress up for Halloween today. I've spare witches hats and some wee bits for any of the kids not dressed up. Don't feel bad x

Original poster
Keepyourfaith70 · 30/10/2020 08:51

No I know, I'm not meaning to sound precious in terms of the mum guilt.. Its just the tough 5 months we've had, if you've seen any of my previous threads on relationships we've had to flee DV from her father and its just been awful and I had the opportunity to make her feel special today and to just make her feel like a kid but I didn't, that's what's cutting me up. She's only 2 and like you say PP in the grand scheme of things it's nothing really but just feel a bit guilty when I saw all the other kids turn up and the effort the parents have gone to. X

OP posts:
Twistered · 30/10/2020 08:51

By the way .... Both you and your daughter sound really really lovely x

VashtaNerada · 30/10/2020 08:54

Could be worse - I did the opposite and sent DD in fancy dress when it wasn’t a fancy dress day. And she was much older so she definitely noticed! She still hasn’t forgiven me. I’m sure if she seems bothered they’ll have dressing up bits and pieces they’ll give her.

Maray1967 · 30/10/2020 08:54

When mine were in nursery the staff made sure every child had some type of costume on if they wanted it, they had bin bags with painted bones on and made hats out of black cardboard and offered face painting.

Original poster
Keepyourfaith70 · 30/10/2020 08:55

@Twistered thank you xxx just called the nursery and said I feel a bit guilty for not dressing her up and can they maybe do a face paint. It's so silly I just burst into tears. I think it's just knowing how much she's been through and what it's taken to get her settled and safe and happy and just want her to be a carefree child. Nursery are going to do a face paint and think there's a pumpkin costume they can put her in xx

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 30/10/2020 08:55

And yes, kids get over being in uniform on non-uniform days as well, have slipped up there a couple of times.

Original poster
Keepyourfaith70 · 30/10/2020 08:56

@VashtaNerada hehe this made me smile :) thank you xxx

OP posts:
MonkeyPuddle · 30/10/2020 09:00

Ah love I just wanna give you a hug!
You’ve changed your whole worlds for the better in such a short space of time, that’s amazing! It must have been so so hard, you should be so proud of yourself for single handedly improving her life in such a major way. I am always in awe of women who manage to free themselves and the kids from DV, the strength and bravery it must take.
I’m glad you called nursery, she’ll be a gorgeous little pumpkin for the day.

SierraHotel · 30/10/2020 09:02

Ah there you go then, she'll have a great day!

Original poster
Keepyourfaith70 · 30/10/2020 09:04

:) I feel a bit better now. I'm glad I called.
It's silly the things we feel guilty about isn't it. I think it's just the wider context of knowing what's she's been through and now all I want is for her to laugh and feel safe and be carefree, that's all I want :), thank you lovely mumsnetters xxxx

OP posts:
Namechangearoo · 30/10/2020 09:05

@NetflixWatcher

YABU. On a mum guilt scale that's a 2 at most.
Oh have a heart, it might be for you but you don’t get to decide how OP feels and she might feel like it’s a 10. It’s not a race to the bottom of all the awful things you can do to a child - just because others have been subjected to worse doesn’t mean OP is being daft. She’s had a hard few months and this is probably taking on a bigger significance than it might for other people.

OP, I understand you feel bad - just shows what a lovely mum you are. Maybe you can pick up an outfit for her today and let her wear it tomorrow, make a big fuss and do a pumpkin together or something? She probably won’t notice today - I don’t think kids mind as much as we think they might.

Namechangearoo · 30/10/2020 09:06

Ah cross post - great news!