To feel like this?

[sunshinesally49]

Perfectly willing to be told I'm BU and that this is more about my feelings and insecurities than anything else.

I have a group of 4 friends. All of them have between 2-4 kids each. I just have the one Ds9. He goes to his dads every other weekend. Two of my friends have kids who don't see their bio dads for various reasons.

I get a lot of comments about how easy it is just having one. And they sometimes make me feel like less of a mum because my ds spends every other weekend away. In all honesty I don't enjoy the time he is away, I miss him a lot and have to work hard to keep busy so I don't dwell on it. Their comments and constant family updates hurt me when he's away but I don't show it of course.

There is a lot of underlying competition between them to be the best mum and housewife. They make me feel like I'm not even worthy of that brief because of my lifestyle - having every other weekend free. They also make comments about being glad they don't have to share their kids. It all just feels a bit insensitive. I'm also really desperate for another baby which doesn't help.

Please someone give me a slap. I know I'm being daft but they do make me feel like less of a mum because of my situation and it hurts a lot.

They sound like shit friends tbh

Have you told them how they make you feel?

Time to make new friends, I think.

We all met at a baby class and our kids are good friends so I suppose a lot of our friendship has been centred around parenting.

I suppose I just want someone to tell me I am a worthy mum!!!

They are clearly violently envious of your weekends. And being mean. Get new friends.

I don’t know what a “worthy mum” is!

You have horrible friends. Start to distance yourself from them.

Yep, they’re shit friends.

@flaviaritt Ha, I'm not sure either! I'm struggling to verbalise my feelings a bit.

I think I am a good mum but I do have to sacrifice more time with my child then I'd like to. And when he's not here I don't live the lifestyle of a mum and I suppose it makes me feel like a part time mum, thus less of a mum.

You're friends are not your friends. They should be supporting you, not knocking you down.

I had that when I had one child. They envy your lack of freedom. If they were fully happy, they wouldn't need to be martyr mummies.

You're being the best Mum that you canbe, that's all that matters. Personally I'd counteract it by saying that it isn't about you, your DS deserves a good relationship with his Father and you are helping him to have good mental health for life. Your children aren't possessions, 'sharing' doesn't come into it.

They are trying to make themselves feel better. I'd distance myself. It will be interesting to see what type of relationship they have with their teenagers, if they won't allow independence and they have nothing else going on for them personally.

Your relationship with your DS sounds healthy and you will have less conflict with any future Partners, than they will, if they carry on not wanting to share and respect their children as individuals.

People who say they are glad not to share their kids are control freaks, dont listen to them, you get the best of both worlds. Luxuriate in your free time, do something great, and rub it in their faces!

You feel like a part-time mum? Well, it’s not by choice that your arrangements are the way they are. Stop beating yourself up.

Thank you all, I needed to hear this.

I've spoken to my dp about it but he doesn't understand and says everyone needs to stop trying to live perfect social media lives (he has a point lol).

It seems impossible to be not be judged as a mother.

1 child - you're making them lonely
2 children - oh, it's a shame they're both boys
3 children - don't you care about the environment?

Devote all your time to your kids - you're spoiling them

Spilt the time 50/50 - part time mother

None of us can ever win. Its so ingrained. It might be worth pulling them up on it. Or possibly trying to meet some new people who are a bit more understanding.

Definitely sound jealous and are trying to make themselves feel better with such comments.

A mum is a mum, whether you have 1 kid or 10.

Don’t take any notice of them. Enjoy your

I have an only and at times yes it’s easier, but that’s ok.
Sounds like your friends envy your time without your ds, not thinking about what that involves for you.
Honestly I would start distancing yourself gently so you can have friends who are more ‘you’ and not just because you have children in common.

This sounds familiar.
I had a group of ‘friends’ like this. All in competition to brag about their seemingly perfect lives(far from perfect!) has to have the best car, best house, the best dressed kid blah blah. It was exhausting. They were shit friends when it mattered, and I told them so and cut them out of my life with a full breakdown of exactly why. I’m so much happier now that I’m not a stepford wife!

It sounds like you have absolutely nothing in common with these 'friends' other than the children.

They are not friends at all if they make you feel like this.

Spend your ' free weekends ' doing something you enjoy and you may well meet a new bunch of like minded people.

Easier said than done at the moment but please start to distance yourself as they people are not doing your mental health any good at all

They do sound jealous & your DP is right about social media. I also think that the ones who’s kids don’t see their fathers feel some (unnecessary) guilt that they have failed their kids.

As previous posters have suggested it may be time to start looking for some new friends. Otherwise I’d be stocking up on some replies:

Eg it must be nice having EOW off
‘ I’m lucky that ExDH might have been a shit partner, but at least he’s a good dad.’
Or
I’m glad I don’t have to share my kids.
‘I really miss DS, but I have to put what‘s best for him first.’

Anyway you sound like a great mum. Just don’t go rushing in to having another baby!

They sound like a pack of buggers.

I'm afraid groups of mothers can be like this. Immensely competitive and smug and judgemental.

Don't listen to them for a second. You are Mummy to your child, and I bet he certainly doesn't think you're deficient or not the full monty. And it's you and him that better here!

Just smile gracefully and say oh yes, I do feel for you guys - so much on your plates and no time to really enjoy motherhood. I feel so lucky I can focus all my attention on DS and having the odd break makes me appreciate being his mum even more. 😉

(but be prepared - that will give them something to bitch about for years!)

Well them commenting about how glad they are they don’t have to share their kids , to a woman who shares custody of them, is unnecessary and unkind. I will say that them giving updates of their activities when your son is away will likely not be intentional though. Not all of these competitive mum types are horribly jealous cows, perhaps they’re just trying to get to grips with mum life and enjoy that kind of friendship. Perhaps they’re trying to upset you but I guess we can’t know that without knowing them. Do you think some of this is you beating yourself up? It depends if you think this is coming from them in a nasty way ( in which case ditch them) or if you’re just sensitive to them offloading about their own life (in which case, don’t ditch them but try to disengage with the things that annoy you). I have a variety of doggie tent fitness, some of my mum fitness are competitive moaners but I still enjoy the friendship and just let it wash over me and invest my energy in the gold things.

A variety of different friends *im not sure what doggie tent fitness is 😂😂😂😂

They are being unkind.
Could they be struggling with being lone parents and having no free time? That would be very tough, no other parents support or input at all.
They shouldn't be unkind obviously but sometimes people are very wrapped up in their own problems and can't see they might be upsetting someone else.

@sunshinesally49

Perfectly willing to be told I'm BU and that this is more about my feelings and insecurities than anything else.

I have a group of 4 friends. All of them have between 2-4 kids each. I just have the one Ds9. He goes to his dads every other weekend. Two of my friends have kids who don't see their bio dads for various reasons.

I get a lot of comments about how easy it is just having one. And they sometimes make me feel like less of a mum because my ds spends every other weekend away. In all honesty I don't enjoy the time he is away, I miss him a lot and have to work hard to keep busy so I don't dwell on it. Their comments and constant family updates hurt me when he's away but I don't show it of course.

There is a lot of underlying competition between them to be the best mum and housewife. They make me feel like I'm not even worthy of that brief because of my lifestyle - having every other weekend free. They also make comments about being glad they don't have to share their kids. It all just feels a bit insensitive. I'm also really desperate for another baby which doesn't help.

Please someone give me a slap. I know I'm being daft but they do make me feel like less of a mum because of my situation and it hurts a lot.

You don't need a slap, they do. I think you need to consider if these people are really your friends. What do they contribute to your life? Doesn't sound like much. I would find new friends

It seems very obvious that they are envious of you and possibly even trying to convince themselves that their life is better, eg, saying things like being glad they don't have to share their children when actually it's because the child's father is a shithead. This is about their insecurities and perceived 'failings', not yours. Generally though, friends support each other and big them up, not try to bring them down, so they aren't what I would call friends and you'd probably be better off without them trying to make you feel like shit to win some weird mumming contest they've invented in their heads.