To feel like this?

[sunshinesally49]

Perfectly willing to be told I'm BU and that this is more about my feelings and insecurities than anything else.

I have a group of 4 friends. All of them have between 2-4 kids each. I just have the one Ds9. He goes to his dads every other weekend. Two of my friends have kids who don't see their bio dads for various reasons.

I get a lot of comments about how easy it is just having one. And they sometimes make me feel like less of a mum because my ds spends every other weekend away. In all honesty I don't enjoy the time he is away, I miss him a lot and have to work hard to keep busy so I don't dwell on it. Their comments and constant family updates hurt me when he's away but I don't show it of course.

There is a lot of underlying competition between them to be the best mum and housewife. They make me feel like I'm not even worthy of that brief because of my lifestyle - having every other weekend free. They also make comments about being glad they don't have to share their kids. It all just feels a bit insensitive. I'm also really desperate for another baby which doesn't help.

Please someone give me a slap. I know I'm being daft but they do make me feel like less of a mum because of my situation and it hurts a lot.

I definitely think some of this is my insecurities as I said in my first post. I still haven't fully got to grips with having to hand my son over so much. I know it's the right thing for him to have a relationship with his dad but this wasn't how I expected parenting to be.

I did used to enjoy my breaks but since covid I've been really limited as to what I can do and after a full weekend spent in the house without ds here to entertain I just feel really down.

I wouldn't say that they deliberately try to upset me but there is a general underlying sense of competitiveness that grates on me. So while it's not deliberate I suspect they do get some superiority from feeling like they are more present mums than I am.

It's also silly things like 'oh can't you just keep ds home this weekend as it's so and sos birthday party' - that sort of thing. Just undermining the fact that his dad has a right to see him too and I should just stop contact for one week to suit them.

I do think the two of them who have kids that don't see their bio dads feel some sort of guilt, certainly one more than the other. But they are both in new relationships trying to make out that everything is perfect and their stepdads are the answer to all their problems. Everyone has their own hang ups maybe I ought to not take it so personally.

Probably jealous of your free weekends
Parenting is no competition at all.
They do share there children because they both have to be involved in bringing up that child.
Having weekends free gives you much needed time to yourself which means your no less a mother. Quite ideal is your arrangement
Whatever you do or be as a mother someone somewhere always has to criticise our parenting.
Woman are such strange Jealous creatures I find it sad.

People saying the friends are jealous isn’t exactly helpful though, do people really think that mothers who live full time with their children are jealous of other mothers sharing custody? Of course they aren’t and of course OP is sensitive about it, although she can and should make the most of the situation and try to use the time for herself in a nice way. The other mothers probably aren’t jealous at all, more than likely they have their own hangups tho ugh h. It seems like they’re all overcompensating to make themselves feel better/ prove to themselves they’re doing a good job and that doesn’t make them horrible people necessarily. OP, I would advise you to dip out of the WhatsApp group/ texting on your free weekends if it’s not helpful. Maybe just see them for play dates etc and invest in other friends at other times. The shared experience of motherhood can be very bonding but you don’t have to engage if it’s annoyingly you. Just don’t write them off as jealous cows if it’s just that you’re feeling low at the moment, perhaps they do add something to your life too - some friends are better in small doses sometimes.

People saying the friends are jealous isn’t exactly helpful though, do people really think that mothers who live full time with their children are jealous of other mothers sharing custody? Of course they aren’t...

Not holistically, and of course her friends would realise it if they were empathetic people, but obviously they are not. Yes, sometimes I get a twinge of jealousy at the idea of a couple of nights to myself once a week. Then I remind myself that we are lucky.

I know how you feel to an extent. I had dd very young and was a single parent until she was 7. A few friends also had a couple of kids and were with partners etc. Dd would go to her dads 2 nights a week and is get similar comments, like its so easy to share a child. Despite being young I felt very similar like life stopped when she was at her dads and I was waiting for her to return. Parenting is hard, I am no more of a mum now that I have 3dc than I was back then. Its difficult to be the only parent around, and then having to deal with contact from the other parent, trying to co parent, etc. I sometimes feel like im not a 'worthy' mum now because I have a partner who helps with night feeds and childcare and its not me doing absolutely everything. So screw them and enjoy your son, sounds like jealousy and its a shame a group of grown women can't be just supportive.