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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think dh is hugely overreacting?

76 replies

Lauradoralaura · 29/10/2020 19:04

Dh has just collected a takeaway for us from a well known place. He got in, I started plating it up and half the order was missing. Too much to just make it work by sharing it out.

Extremely annoying, it cost us £40. Obvious thing is to ring them and get them to redo the order.

Dh starts shouting and swearing saying he knew this would happen, he's never going there again, they're fucking useless. Shouting at our 5 year old who was trying to show him something.

I did say (calmly and politely) he probably should have checked in the bag before leaving as one bag didn't seem enough knowing what we had ordered (it's usually a full bag just for two but this time dc are having takeout too), so he then starts shouting at me how that's not fucking possible when it's dark in the car, if I'm so good I can go myself next time. I did offer to go with him but he said to wait with the dc.

We've rang and they are going to redo the order, very annoying but it's only 5 minutes away. Not the end of the world.

He's gone out ranting and raving how he's never ever getting a fucking takeaway again, how he can't do this again it's too much for him and he can't cope with it.

Aibu to feel a bit shit now about the whole thing and think he's being ridiculous?

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 29/10/2020 20:32

We all have off days. This obviously was a tipping point for him.

saraclara · 29/10/2020 20:34

My best friend does this. He's a nice guy, but when things go wrong that involve having to interact with people (so in a shop or other similar situation) he can't handle it and gets furious*. I hate it. It's so out of proportion and ruins anything we're supposed to be doing.

He has social anxiety and other similar issues, so I get that it comes from stress, but I really wish it didn't manifest in rage that I have to witness.

*not with the person in the shop, thank goodness, but with himself or about the person but not in their presence.

Meuniere · 29/10/2020 20:35

He is stressed out/deeply anxious about going in a shop or a takeaway place.
I suspect he is doing his best to avoid them and hate having to go and ‘mingle’ with people in the shop. Let alone having to ‘go back’

I’d have a word with him to check how he is coping.

Bluetrews25 · 29/10/2020 20:35

Anxiety re covid? Putting his life on the line every time he has to be brave and go in a shop? Keep you all safe by risking himself?

midsummabreak · 29/10/2020 20:38

Maybe tell him to do an hour or two with a Friday games night with Dc or teddy bears picnic on lounge floor , it can be any game, cards, leggo, cars, teddies, toys, whatever.

Turn off all phones, put all chores on hold and settle in for a chilled out night and have some fun.Flowers

Meuniere · 29/10/2020 20:38

[quote Lauradoralaura]@museumum cross posted. It does seem to have got worse since the whole mask thing.

We can be in a shop and he'll be fine then all of a sudden start saying he needs to get out of there he can't breath but in a ranty way. But I think we can all get a bit like that? Other times he's fine.

[/quote]
He is anxious @Lauradoralaura and probably close to a panic attack which is why he is feeling like he can’t breathe. The mask will exacerbate the feeling (I doubt they are the cause of it - but they could)

I’m usually really against hand holding men. But in this case, I think he needs your support. Starting with acknowledging that he is getting very anxious around going in the shop. He might also benefit from ging to see his GP too.

faithfulbird20 · 29/10/2020 20:44

Doesn't sound like a normal reaction. Maybe he's tired, ill or exhausted? I'd keep an eye on him and let him rest and cool off...

Eckhart · 29/10/2020 20:46

if I'm so good I can go myself next time

Turning it personal like this is not ok. Shouting at you is not ok. Shouting at your child is not ok.

Being pissed off about it is ok. But he's chosen a bunch of unacceptable ways to demonstrate that he's pissed off.

CoconutQueen · 29/10/2020 20:50

I also thought is this Covid anxiety, even if he hasn't voiced that outwardly?

Goosefoot · 29/10/2020 20:51

It does sound like a panic attack. If he normally finds shops stressful, I can understand, the arrows and rules and such are another whole layer of stress and the masks are claustrophobic.

I'd have a look at trying to help him figure out how to cope with it. He may not really have pinpointed himself that there is a pattern. Realising it might actually be kind of a relief and it would make it easier to find ways to adapt.

throwaway100000 · 29/10/2020 20:55

He's gone out ranting and raving how he's never ever getting a fucking takeaway again, how he can't do this again it's too much for him and he can't cope with it.

I wouldn’t be able to keep my composure! I would have burst out laughing at that.

He doesn’t seem very resilient if something as minor as this enrages him and stresses him out. The restaurant seemed really good about it so although inconvenient, you didn’t lose your money. No harm done in the end.

ScrapThatThen · 29/10/2020 21:01

Now you are both aware that the shop environments stress him out a bit you can make allowances and he might need to take a list or something on case he panics.

CutToChase · 29/10/2020 21:06

Sounds like the mask laws are triggering panic and anxiety in him and his way of expressing that is channeling it as anger

SoulofanAggron · 29/10/2020 21:07

Completely unacceptable to me. I couldn't live with that. It would make me really anxious, and it's not good for your DC. I would be leaving.

SoulofanAggron · 29/10/2020 21:09

My father was like that and it's left me permanently unable to work due to anxiety.

Pikachubaby · 29/10/2020 21:15

Will he apologise properly though, to you and kids?

I would not live with a man who regularly acts like this, as you start walking on egg shells, but if it’s an anxiety induced one-off does he at least feel bad after?

And say sorry and feel like a fool? As he should

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 29/10/2020 21:18

His reaction to shopping atm sounds like mine. I snapped at some bloke the other day because he cut right in front of me and I didn’t hear him say sorry. Totally stressing me out and making me very anxious. Everything is.

I know I’m dealing with anxiety though. Does he? Sounds like you need to sit down and talk it through.

MitziK · 29/10/2020 21:22

DP gets uncharacteristically ranty when ordering takeaway and has absolutely flipped out over a messed up order before now. It usually happens when other people shove their way in and demand their food with a GET ME or start getting arsey with the staff, so they are given their food more quickly just to get them back out again before they kick off. On a couple of occasions, he's come back with nothing and then refused to go back to whichever takeaway it was for anything up to 9 months in case they remember him.

I've also insisted upon getting the hell out NOW or felt rage when trapped in supermarkets, especially when there's shit piled on every corner, cages down every aisle and they've done everything they can to make it impossible to get through the checkouts at a reasonable pace. And once I've finally scuttled out, if somebody were to expect me to go back in, well, the first answer is NO fucking chance.

I'm claustrophobic, DP has ASD.

I get the feeling that your DH is overreacting because he's claustrophobic and just managed to get out before he had a panic attack.

MitziK · 29/10/2020 21:23

[quote Lauradoralaura]@museumum cross posted. It does seem to have got worse since the whole mask thing.

We can be in a shop and he'll be fine then all of a sudden start saying he needs to get out of there he can't breath but in a ranty way. But I think we can all get a bit like that? Other times he's fine.

[/quote]
Fight or flight response.

NewlyGranny · 29/10/2020 21:36

Well, you've spotted the pattern and that's a start. It's the kind of thing he could get help with if need be, I'm sure, though it might cost. When it's all calm, why not tackle it and ask whether he can explain how he feels in shops and whether he knows any reason why.

He needs to know he can't carry on like that - it isn't fair on the rest of you.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 29/10/2020 21:53

My DH is cursed when it comes to ordering food. Yes, I’ve ranted. Yes, he’s ranted. Mostly because it’s always my order that is eff’d up. Thing is, he really is cursed. I’ve listened to him ordering, he’s shown me the online order. It’s not him, it’s the bastard restaurants (yes plural) that is doing it.

The last time that about sent us both over the edge was a delivery order that was left on our doorstep, fair enough if that is the policy, but they are supposed to text to let you know. Here’s how that one failed.

  1. We waited the estimated time +20 min and no sign of the delivery, so we call. They tell us the order went out at estimated time -30 min
  2. We ask if our food has really been driving around for an hour and he says it’s on the way and hangs up.
  3. Wait 10 min and call back for a manager who tells us it’s been delivered.
  4. Still no text so I ask DH to check our side door... there you go, our bag of food has been sitting in the cold rain for who knows how long since he delivered to the wrong door and no text.

Manager was on speaker when DH yelled out FFS ... we just took the credit on the food and ate toast that night.

Seriously this kind of thing happens almost every time he orders.

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/10/2020 21:56

Yes he over-reacted at the take away making a mistake. But you threw oil on that fire by saying it was his fault because he didn’t check the bag.

LoadsOfTrouble · 29/10/2020 22:01

It sounds to me like he a, genuinely hates wearing the mask and b, is rightly afraid to catch covid if he doesn't, in a space as busy and poorly ventilated as the typical shop or takeaway.

It's a bit of a male thing to blow a fuse when struggling to process anxiety over a relatively minor issue, I think. Fear of embarrassment crossing wires with the other fear/discomfort. But I doubt that you'd get him to admit anything along these lines; that's part of the problem. Hope this doesn't become more of a pattern.

CeibaTree · 29/10/2020 22:14

He actually sounds mentally quite unwell.

TooLittleTooLate80 · 29/10/2020 22:20

Can honestly say I've never checked the bag in an embarrasing number of takeaway collections.

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