Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner talks about himself too much

48 replies

curlyhairdiva · 29/10/2020 14:43

Hi all, I really don't know if this sounds petty or unreasonable but basically, i have been with my OH for about four years now and for the most part we get on well and have a lot in common. We are both students and working on Masters degrees in different areas. One thing that really bugs me though is that my partner constantly talks about his work to me and never asks me how i'm getting on. He will also ask me for help a lot, which i don't mind as he has dyslexia, but it is getting to the point where I can't work on my own project without him getting what I perceive to be a bit jealous. We are both working on our degrees from home at the moment (in a small one bedroom flat) because of the pandemic obviously and I am finding it difficult to concentrate, partly because my partner is always disrupting me (whether to talk about his work or ask for help) and I don't get much time to focus. I have tried talking to him about this but he says I only care about myself and gets a bit stroppy with me. I am losing the will to live here, because I don't know whether I am just being a bit selfish or if I am being walked over. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/10/2020 14:47

You just need to be firmer with him.

If he comes to tell you how awesome he is and how great him project is etc just say "sorry, I'm busy now but we can talk over dinner" , put headphones on and go back to work. Every single time.

Re help with his dyslexia, what kind of help is he asking for?

DrManhattan · 29/10/2020 14:49

Wouldn't be for me. Too one sided. Would feel used

Original poster
curlyhairdiva · 29/10/2020 14:50

@SleepingStandingUp Thanks for your advice but I feel like saying something like that and putting headphones in would lead to an argument with him. He doesn't seem to understand that I have work to that is equally important, its so frustrating.

OP posts:
AbbieLexie · 29/10/2020 14:52

Earphones. Set times to 'meet' ie lunch. Grey rock technique.
Good luck - it will be hard. Hopefully he won't throw all of his toys out ...

SleepingStandingUp · 29/10/2020 14:53

So tell him tonight you're struggling to focus in the day so I'm future can you leave updating each other on your work until lunch or dinner. Then do as above

You want him to leave you alone whilst you work, you need to assert that boundary.

Is the help he expects something you can help with at the end of each day, is it work he should be doing himself / getting more formally support for our is our just to get your attention?

Thisisnotnormal69 · 29/10/2020 14:53

*I have tried talking to him about this but he says I only care about myself and gets a bit stroppy with me.”

Well he can get stroppy, can’t he. If someone was like this with me I would lose my patience and tell them very firmly to leave me alone and stop interrupting. Do you not feel able to do this?

Sounds to me like he thinks he’s in charge and his needs are much more important than yours. It’s unlikely he will suddenly change from this...he knows it makes you unhappy and that doesn’t bother him.

MaMaD1990 · 29/10/2020 14:55

If it were me I would keep telling him or make him wait until YOU are ready and have the time to help him. If he ends up stroppy, hell, you've got some peace and quiet to do your own work to boot! Has he got no-one else he can ask for help??

Thisisnotnormal69 · 29/10/2020 14:55

[quote curlyhairdiva]@SleepingStandingUp Thanks for your advice but I feel like saying something like that and putting headphones in would lead to an argument with him. He doesn't seem to understand that I have work to that is equally important, its so frustrating.[/quote]
Do you think he sits around worrying that something he says might upset you or cause an argument? Doesn’t sound like it. Are you happy with this imbalance? Does he intimidate you?

DefinitelyPossiblyMaybe · 29/10/2020 14:56

He's being very selfish, demanding your time and showing no interest in your studies, yet telling you that you are the selfish one? Nobody would treat me like that. Remember, we teach people how to treat us. If you feel unable to assert your perfectly reasonable need for uninterrupted study, Is there a local library you could access to work from, or even a Starbucks?

Shoxfordian · 29/10/2020 14:56

You have to start being more assertive
If he can't cope without your attention on tap then maybe he's not the right one for you

IrenetheQuaint · 29/10/2020 14:56

Hmm, it sounds like he is chronically self-absorbed and doesn't see you as a real person whose needs are as important as his. Bit of a red flag.

HollowTalk · 29/10/2020 14:58

This is yet another example of how men get on at the expense of women. If he's dyslexic he will be able to ask the university for help, won't he? Every minute that you help him is a minute spent away from your own work.

If you put yourself first, you're not putting him last. But when he puts himself first, he puts you last. Don't put up with it. Whether that means talking it through with him (good luck with that) or having a row or going to a friend's house or just thinking, fuck off, you, I'm going to live separately, you have to put yourself, your education and your career first.

Trisolaris · 29/10/2020 14:59

Being dyslexic doesn’t mean someone else should help you with your work constantly, it means the university should take it into account when marking his work. If he is expecting help to the extent that you can’t get your own done it sounds like you are in danger of doing his work for him.
I have helped dyslexic family and friends by proofreading work but the work has always been their own.

paap1975 · 29/10/2020 15:00

DH and I have been working from home in what is basically the same room of our house (open plan) since March. There was a point when he would talk to me all the time but then huff if I said anything to him on the grounds that he was busy.
It stopped after I pointed out that he didn't have the monopoly on being busy, that I was busy too and that it wasn't always convenient for me to be interrupted either.

Duanphen · 29/10/2020 15:03

It strikes me that this is the dynamic he seeks in a relationship - a "partner" who simply exists to support him, bring him food, answer his questions and generally be his mother.

Neediness isn't attractive. Also it does not bode well for the future if he already thinks so little of your need to work and utilise your intellect. He wants you to stop and serve him - that's going to go great when you get a great job (and there are many men who react very poorly when their partners get good jobs.)

Gatehouse77 · 29/10/2020 15:07

If I needed to focus I'd stick headphones on (even if not listening to anything!). If he interrupted me, I'd simply say "with you in 10 minutes" or similar.

I'd also ask (tell?) him to make a list of things to do in one go rather than frequent interruptions.

If he got shitty, I'd turn it round on him and ask if he'd like to be treated by you the way you feel treated by him?
Is it possible to go to a coffee shop or library for a portion of the day so you're not immediately accessible?

LesLavandes · 29/10/2020 15:12

Are libraries closed. Sorry, I don't know but if not, you could study there

Wearywithteens · 29/10/2020 15:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

1forAll74 · 29/10/2020 15:14

Surely if you have been with this partner for four years, you can talk openly together about this issue..

Odile13 · 29/10/2020 15:19

You don’t sound petty at all. He sounds selfish. It’s even worse because he accuses you of only caring about yourself and can’t see the double standard.

I’d talk it out with him. Say all the things you’ve written on this thread. His response will tell you a lot about who he is as a person.

Otherwise, could you try setting aside a particular time each day for talking to each other about your work? Maybe an half hour at the end of each work day.

YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 29/10/2020 15:20

I have tried talking to him about this but he says I only care about myself and gets a bit stroppy with me

Your reply

Yes, I do care about myself

You aren’t his emotional support animal. You need some nice big over the ear noise cancelling headphones and a white noise app. And possibly to LTB if he carries on trampling on you to get what HE wants.

Dontbeme · 29/10/2020 15:26

He doesn't seem to understand that I have work to that is equally important, its so frustrating

Of course he understands that you have work to do, but clearly he thinks that his work is more important and the things you do for yourself are just little hobbies that occupy your time until he needs your help and attention.

Stop doing his college work, colleges have support in place for people with dyslexia, he can access help there. If you spend all your time helping him what happens to the quality of your work? Will he support you to achieve all you are capable of? Like fuck he will, he will put himself first and you will be his support human. I had one like this, note "had". It never got better.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 29/10/2020 15:26

What sort of future do you see having with him?
At the moment, you are both in the exact same position. Both students working on your masters and he already thinks that his work, the work of the big man, is more important than yours.

When you want to work on your own project, he tells you you're selfish and only care about yourself. Why isnt he selfish and only caring about himself when he expects you to put your work down and do his? It's because he thinks he is more important than you. And this is happening whilst you are totally equal.

What do you think life will be like if you ever have kids? When you're in jobs, will he think his is more important and leave the housework to you? Will he think his job is more important and refuse to take time off when a sick child needs to stay home from nursery? Will he think his job is more important if you have do go on a work trip or work late and he needs to be available for any kids?

The answer is always going to he yes, he thinks his work is more important and you have a lifetime of him seeing you as the little woman.

Get out now.

FabbyChix · 29/10/2020 15:27

Sounds like a typical man

ZorbaTheHoarder · 29/10/2020 15:30

@FabbyChix

Sounds like a typical man
I don't think that's quite right or fair - sounds like a typical selfish git, more like!

OP, you need to let him know that you are not going to put up with it any more.

If he accuses you of being selfish, ask him how he would feel if you interrupted his work all the time.

I don't think he is going to get any better, somehow, so what are your options?

Swipe left for the next trending thread