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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner talks about himself too much

48 replies

curlyhairdiva · 29/10/2020 14:43

Hi all, I really don't know if this sounds petty or unreasonable but basically, i have been with my OH for about four years now and for the most part we get on well and have a lot in common. We are both students and working on Masters degrees in different areas. One thing that really bugs me though is that my partner constantly talks about his work to me and never asks me how i'm getting on. He will also ask me for help a lot, which i don't mind as he has dyslexia, but it is getting to the point where I can't work on my own project without him getting what I perceive to be a bit jealous. We are both working on our degrees from home at the moment (in a small one bedroom flat) because of the pandemic obviously and I am finding it difficult to concentrate, partly because my partner is always disrupting me (whether to talk about his work or ask for help) and I don't get much time to focus. I have tried talking to him about this but he says I only care about myself and gets a bit stroppy with me. I am losing the will to live here, because I don't know whether I am just being a bit selfish or if I am being walked over. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

katy1213 · 29/10/2020 15:32

I think I'd tell him the brutal truth - that if he's not bright enough to get through the work alone, he shouldn't be doing a master's.
But do you really want to be with a boring, boorish, needy man in the long-term?

diddl · 29/10/2020 15:37

How can you possibly think that you are being selfish to not do his work for him?

A quick read through for an opinion at your convenience maybe.

What would happen if you weren't there for some reason??

Skysblue · 29/10/2020 15:39

Google ‘relationship with narcissist’ and see if anything seems familiar.

It will get worse not better I’m afraid.

Okeydokeypiginapokey · 29/10/2020 15:41

Sounds like a parasitic relationship. What an absolute drain! OP what does he do for YOU?

sonjadog · 29/10/2020 15:43

Make a clear plan from from x-x time each day you will be working and are not to be disturbed. Stick to it and let him strop. The strop is just a way for him to make you do what he wants. Best ignored. If he says you are selfish, challenge him on it. Selfish does not equate with not putting him first all the time. He sounds like the selfish one to me.

Dozer · 29/10/2020 15:44

NOT your ‘other half’!

He’s clearly showing you that he is a poor bet for a long term relationship. It’s good that he’s shown this before long term commitment such as marriage/DC.

He’s prioritising himself. If you want to stay in the relationship, short term, do likewise. Help him only as much as he helps you.

billy1966 · 29/10/2020 15:45

YOU are being used.

YOU are allowing yourself to be used.

HE is using you to get ahead with his masters, because that is what is important to HIM.

He doesn't give a damn about your work, his focus is to use you as a free resource.

You need to give your head a good wobble.

He's a user.

Men are very good at putting their needs first.

He strops when you work on your masters.

Why are you with such a selfish pig.

Will he give a damn about how you get on?

I would be furious with you if you were my daughter for allowing yourself to be used and for compromising your future.

Why are you with such a user?

Is this really who you see your future with?

A stroppy selfish git, who doesn't give a damn about you or your future.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 29/10/2020 15:45

I'm not going to tell you to leave him, but do bear in mind that if you stay in this relationship, you will be doing most of the work and taking most of the responsibility forever.
He currently sees it as your responsibility to make sure his work is up to standard. This will form the pattern of your lives together. When you are responsible for everything, then everything is your fault. That's a bloody exhausting way to live.

2bazookas · 29/10/2020 15:50

Wear a mask with "shut up, man" written on it

Poppingnostopping · 29/10/2020 15:51

There is a huge issue in academia of high achieving men being supported by unacknowledged women, usually their just as clever wives. Of course you are more successful if your wife edits your work or reads everything through- no problem if reciprocal, but can't be only one way and his course and work is not more important than yours.

Poppingnostopping · 29/10/2020 15:52

So, this is your future unless you change it right now.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 29/10/2020 15:55

When me and DH are both working from home I do end up going into his office for a chat quite often.
He does tell me (politely) to go away when he’s busy... and I don’t sulk about it.

I think constantly expecting your attention is a bit much though... and problematic that he’s accusing you of being selfish that you don’t want to do his work.

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/10/2020 16:03

I have tried talking to him about this but he says I only care about myself and gets a bit stroppy with me.

Wow! The lack of self awareness here is of stunning proportions.

He's showing that he matters more than you in this relationship, and it's likely to carry on beyond your uni work. Maybe it's taken lockdown to show you who he really is, if before this you could work separately and away from home.

HollowTalk · 29/10/2020 18:09

It's Sliding Doors. You need to visualise two different futures. One with him, where you help him to get on and lose out in the meantime, and one without him, where you achieve your potential.

Doyoumind · 29/10/2020 18:18

He only cares about himself and emotionally blackmails you. Get rid of him. Covid has given you the gift of seeing the real him so move on rather than settling for this.

SpongeWorthy · 29/10/2020 18:47

If you're in a relationship where you know that saying you feel under appreciated / stretched too thin / taken advantage of / at risk of letting your own work slide due to helping him etc will lead to him having a strop and / or an argument then it's not a healthy relationship at all and you need to reassess the whole thing.

You sound lovely, caring and clever. Don't waste your life on someone who makes you feel obliged to give more of yourself than you can afford to give.

billy1966 · 29/10/2020 22:13

Is your plan for your life to spend it supporting him, so that HE shines and reaches HIS potential.

For flip sake OP!!

Is this REALLY all you worked all these years for?🙄🙄🙄

GenevaL · 29/10/2020 22:24

YANBU. It’s not for him to decide how much time and space you need to get your own stuff done and it’s selfish of him to expect you to drop your stuff and prioritise his.

Deal with concrete facts which he can’t argue with: you’ve interrupted me nine times. You’ve taken 15 minutes of my study time up.

LannieDuck · 29/10/2020 22:44

Have you ever asked him for help with your project while he's trying to concentrate? Just wondering how he would respond...

Lucked · 29/10/2020 22:58

I think you need to have an argument about it! Your avoidance of confrontation is letting him walk all over you.

You should be able to ask to work for a time without interruption without it descending into a huff and an argument. The ugly truth is that if you can’t deal with this then your relationship is hugely flawed and you are burying your head in the sand by not seeing if you can address it.

Thehop · 29/10/2020 23:00

@WhereverIGoddamnLike is absolutely right

switswooo · 29/10/2020 23:18

Sounds like sabotage due to his jealousy. Please don’t get a lesser degree than you deserve due to this twat.

Buy some noise cancelling headphones and tell him you can only help him at a fixed time each day, and he needs to collate his questions for then. It’s not fair to keep interrupting you.

Is he worth it?!

monkeymonkey2010 · 29/10/2020 23:37

He doesn't seem to understand that I have work to that is equally important
Course he knows and understands - he just prefers subtle sabotage so his work gets more 'attention'....and be careful you don't end doing most of his work for him via ideas/structure/spelling/grammar etc....he's got other resources to use for that

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