Take a Break magazine - guess the story.

[GrapevineFires]

My mum used to buy it weekly. I haven't read one since my teens, but I had the urge this week to do some of the puzzles. I had forgotten all about the sensational, misleading headlines.

This week's cover headline: "Mum wanted a baby so she took my TWIN GIRLS. Only ONE came home ALIVE" (Capital words all TAB).

What do you think actually happened?

Anyone got any other 'gripping' headlines with a very different story?

The pineapple turns out to be twins.

It's secretly a dream of mine to write for one of these magazines Honestly I think it would be really good fun. Bugger the next great novel, I want to write about Kirsty from Wolverhampton's love rat fella.

I'm sure it's all changed now, but years ago there was a documentary about TAB style mags, and it actually looked like a cracker job. The journos were these screamingly posh 20 somethings who were surprisingly sensitive in their handling of the victims subjects of the stories. The office looked pretty fun to work in too. I remember they referred to sick children/horror pregnancy stories as "womb tremblers"

@ReallySpicyCurry

I quit my job as a bingo teller so Dave worked all hours, providing for me and our triplets, LelliKelli, 4, and Rekjavik, 2.5. So I wasn't suspicious when he said he had to work that Saturday.

"I'll get that carpet slotted right in, good and hard" he said "Keep some of that takeaway for me, eh love"

I suspected nothing as I plated up his chicken balls and texted my best friend Val, 59, inviting her round for some cheeky fizz and a giggle. But Val didn't reply. That wasn't like her, I wondered

This has really made me laugh, it’s so on-brand 😂😂😂

I loved the top tips. Especially the woman who made slippers out of sanpro.

Best TAB story ever was the one where she caught her beau shagging frozen chicken.

They met in the dole queue, and married a few weeks later. The blushing bride wore her favourite shell suit for the occasion (it was white and everything, there was a photo) having turned down our hero’s offer to lend her something from his extensive collection of women’s clothing and underwear. Then she got up in the middle of the night to find him shagging the chicken she’d left out to defrost.

I’m sure it was all bullshit, but it was hysterical.

I love these! Such hilarious cliches, must be a fun job to do, writing that bollocks every week!

I used to nanny for a woman who bought them and I loved reading them when the kids were in bed.

@Gancanny

The love stories about the cheeky chappy carpet fitter with the twinkly eyes will always say have the storyteller giggling with her mum/best friend/sister/dog about "he's so handsome!" then further down the page you see a photograph a photograph of the cheeky chappy and he looks like a thumb.

A thumb with missing teeth. (Though they always note he has a 'nice bum', which makes my thoughts curdle...)

And the weight loss stories (which sometimes involve the woman who loses the weight winning Dave the cheeky-bummed carpet fitter as a prize) always feature the phrases 'I'd always been a big girl' and 'Piled my plate high.'

@ReallySpicyCurry

I quit my job as a bingo teller so Dave worked all hours, providing for me and our triplets, LelliKelli, 4, and Rekjavik, 2.5. So I wasn't suspicious when he said he had to work that Saturday.

"I'll get that carpet slotted right in, good and hard" he said "Keep some of that takeaway for me, eh love"

I suspected nothing as I plated up his chicken balls and texted my best friend Val, 59, inviting her round for some cheeky fizz and a giggle. But Val didn't reply. That wasn't like her, I wondered

Go on, go on, I'm agog!!!!!

I remember reading a top tip years ago possibly not TAB but a similar type of magazine,when dusting those hard to reach skirting boards rather then bending down just pop an old pair of socks over your shoes and run your foot over the skirting board 🤣

I also read these and love them, just because they are so ridiculous. I once read a story about someone who started shitting through their mouth after something went horribly wrong with a c section and their arse got sewn shut or something. My husband was convinced it rubbish. And the top tips! “I was bored of my old lamp, so I got a jar of beetroot from the fridge and now it’s a totally different lamp!” “Got lots of earrings? Simply pop them through and old loo roll and pop it on a mug holder...”

@Casschops

I particularly like the wronged persons facial expression peering into the camera with a blank face while pointing at some object linked to the event.....top journalism.

Or peeking sadly out of a curtain, waiting for Dave who'd "popped out for a packet of fags" 3 years ago to come home

I love a good trashy mag!

I still remember my first ever Chat magazine. I was lured in by the headline story of 'I grilled my husband's privates and then I made him a cheese sandwich'.*

That's Life and Love It! are my current favourites as they tend to have the trashiest stories.

*paraphrasing, as my memory of the exact headline has faded with time, but it was definitely 'Did something to husband's genitals... And then I made him a cheese sandwich'.

I love how we're 'not allowed' to chav-bash on mn anywhere APART from when talking about these magazines.

Babies aren't born in them ,ever. They're 'pushed into the world'.
Comedy gold. Love them. I'll never forget in the things kids say or similar, section of one reading about someone's son or grandson who'd told her his poo had eyes, she'd looked, and it was because he'd been eating sweetcorn!
Well, how we laughed.... < not envy.

'Time passed' was a stock phrase to use for the boring interlude between Dodgy Dave moving in with the subject and shagging Val.

Proper laughing at these comments

One of my favourite headlines was '
'THE WOMAN WHO ATE A HOUSE'
She had pica and gnawed at the carpet and a bit of plaster.

Also love the weight loss stories where they 'pile on the pounds by gorging on creamy curries' then get to a 'trim size 10 by filling up on fruit and healthy salads'

In time though ,they moved on from Dave shagging Val and are happier than ever and have just welcomed baby Chantelle Chanel ,Val declined to comment.

Oh you lot!!! Flippin hilarious - I sincerely hope that you write comedy....you are wasted if not!

The spooky Halloween specials are a real treat too. Everyone's dead nan comes back as a psychic goldfish

Except mine, I reckon she'd come back as a packet of Regal filters, given the choice

My dsis was approached by one of the crap mags for her story (she’d had a story run about her in the local rag). She quite fancied the idea of a couple of hundred quid, and as her story didn’t include cheeky chap Dave, didn’t think it could be spun in a way that would cause her problems.

But then she looked at the T&C and realised she’d be signing her life away. So, slightly sadly, I have to report that Dsis did not appear by the checkout showcasing her sad face.

And it's always the phrase "A familiar feeling swirled in my tummy" before they piss on a stick.

I did work experience on Take a Break once. It was great.

@DontWannaBeObamasElf

And it's always the phrase "A familiar feeling swirled in my tummy" before they piss on a stick.

Although it's sometimes lust when they first spot Dave the cheeky chappie's Nice Bum across a crowded Wetherspoons.

I love the 'Me now' photo.

@CeramicGuineaPig

I did work experience on Take a Break once. It was great.

You can't tell us that without telling us more! Can we have some details please?

@CeramicGuineaPig

I did work experience on Take a Break once. It was great.

Do tell. Did they teach you to write in TAB language? Did they correct your idiom if you wrote 'I "got" pregnant'?

Val stopped showing up for our Malibu and Lambrini sessions. I had to finish that year's season of Love Island on my own.

Then one evening, my eldest, Lellikelli, 4, came home from the park

"Mum, Denim says Dad has moved in with them" she yelled as she threw me a smoke

I gasped. Denim was Val's youngest. Suddenly it all made sense. Dave wasn't laying carpets - he was laying my best friend!