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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visiting a new mother, protocol

33 replies

Vilanelle · 28/10/2020 15:00

AIBU?

I am a first time mother to a now 4 month old. Partner is back in work and although I have a rough routine, some days are a struggle. Little things like getting dinner ready for dp coming home (not that this is a requirement by dp).

Anyway a few weeks back my SIL came to visit. House was a bit of a mess and I had just put baby down for a nap. Firstly she asks me to wake him so she can have snuggles. Told her no. This is a common thing, I think shes bat shit.

Then she asked if I could make her a sandwich, I was a bit taken aback (aren't visitors supposed to help out and make you a cuppa?) But made one anyway. Whilst I was in the kitchen my baby miraculously woke crying despite only been down for around 10 minutes. I asked if she had woke him but she said no. I don't believe her.

The other week she has come round with neice uninvited again (we are a bubble btw) and spend the time playing with him thrn ask me to male them sandwiches. I said no, I dont have anything in.

AIBU to find this rude or am I being sensitive because I fucking really dislike my in laws who have brought on depression and anxiety, seriously long story.

OP posts:

Original poster

Vilanelle · 28/10/2020 15:01

Excuse typos

OP posts:

namechangefail2020 · 28/10/2020 15:03

4 months old I would think you're more settled and not having that newborn visitor kind of requirement. However it depends what you were like before, it's rude to ask you to make a sandwich anyway, regardless of the baby!

LouiseTrees · 28/10/2020 15:07

Tell her to buy some and bring them. Ask her why she thinks it’s appropriate to show up announced when you are trying to establish a routine. Or better yet, your partner should say the same thing.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/10/2020 15:08

Can you explain how you are in a support bubble?

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 28/10/2020 15:10

Presumably SIL is a single parent, @Disfordarkchocolate

VeniceQueen2004 · 28/10/2020 15:32

Is SIL a single parent?

Member984815 · 28/10/2020 15:39

I'd ask her to call before future visits , some people think they can do as they please in relatives houses because they are family . Alternatively you could just not answer the door . It's causing you undue stress so for that reason alone I wouldn't put up with it

SummerBaby2020 · 28/10/2020 15:45

I’m in the same boat as you as in FTM, 4 month old and dp back at work and has been since she was 6wks ( which I consider myself mega lucky he got that long paternity leave ) and tbh I think that’s totally rude of your SIL. When people have came to visit in my garden to see my dd or the brief time people could come into the house the most they got offered was a can of juice or a bottle of water. My dd doesn’t sleep well at all and never has so when someone comes and ask’s to wake her up if she’s sleeping they get told a firm NO do you like being woken up while your sleeping? Didn’t think so and also it’s you that has to deal with the consequences if they do wake them up it’s not normal times where you can get someone to help it’s pretty much all on you right now.

I would maybe start some boundaries with her maybe say to txt ahead to see if it’s ok to pop round? I’m in no sort or routine some days my dd is predictable as in she will sleep about 20 mins after each bottle, other days she thinks “ eh na don’t think so mamma I want to play all day “ on those days I’m even more exhausted than a normal day and tell people not today on those days.

You are definitely not BU x

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/10/2020 15:45

If your baby was 4 days old, visitors should help out, 4 weeks, maybe, 4 months not so much.

If you don’t want her to visit, I’d be more busy. If you just want notice, ask for it. Tell her there’s no food in and she needs to call by the shops on her way.

Leaannb · 28/10/2020 15:51

When she shows up tell her its not convenient for you and that she needs to call in advance before showing up. Make sure she knows thT calling while she is on the way to your house is unacceptable. If she shows up anyway ignore her

flaviaritt · 28/10/2020 15:53

If my SIL asked for a sandwich for her child I would make one. Did you have nothing in for sandwiches at all?

raspberrymuffin · 28/10/2020 15:55

Baby or not I can't imagine rolling up to someone's house unannounced and demanding a sandwich. Is your house on the way to/from somewhere else and she's using you to save herself a trip to Greggs?

If you don't feel like you can tell her to knock it off, then your other option is to make it inconvenient for her. So keep not having anything in for unscheduled snacks, and perhaps sometimes when she shows up you can be just about to go out yourself, so sorry you've wasted a trip, perhaps if you'd phoned first to say you were coming, etc.

PinkDaffodil2 · 28/10/2020 15:56

That sounds tough and I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable. It sounds like your SiL might be better being in a support bubble with different family members who can offer her more support though? You have enough on your plate but the purpose of the bubble is to support her - is there other family nearby?

Lucindainthesky · 28/10/2020 15:57

You should be offering drinks, not expecting them to be made for you! Your baby is 4 months old not 4 days old.

If you don't want to be a polite host then don't allow visitors in the first place.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/10/2020 16:03

Either tell her she’s welcome to make one herself or make a joke at her requests “someone’s forgotten what it’s like with a newborn”

flaviaritt · 28/10/2020 16:05

am I being sensitive because I fucking really dislike my in laws who have brought on depression and anxiety, seriously long story.

Sorry, I didn’t read this bit where she is someone you just really don’t like. Does she know you feel like this?

toomuchpeppapig · 28/10/2020 16:07

Can't she just make her own sandwich at your house if you have the necessary ingredients? Tell her to crack on and help herself if she wants a sandwich.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 28/10/2020 16:21

@Disfordarkchocolate

Can you explain how you are in a support bubble?

Yep OP. Fucking explain yourself to a stranger on the internet.

Crankley · 28/10/2020 16:24

Not aiming for the Hostess with the Mostess title this year then?

She would obviously have been wrong to wake your baby but I really don't see why you couldn't have made her a sandwich. She wasn't asking for a 15 course tasting menu.

flaviaritt · 28/10/2020 16:26

Imagine telling someone they’d have to stop by the shops on the way over and bring their own bread.

PurpleDaisies · 28/10/2020 16:27

Were they there at lunchtime?

Lipz · 28/10/2020 16:33

It's clear you don't like them so making them food and the rest will annoy you. The only thing is, would be to pre arrange visits. That way you control when they're there and will have bread in. I do this with the people I don't like. It works fine. You should be more settled by 4 months with the baby but I do understand that on the first child things can be overwhelming. You'll get your routine going and before long won't know yourself.

Dollywilde · 28/10/2020 16:39

I have a 3 month old and I’m past the point of needing people to make food/drinks for us (am also working my way out of PND so - I recognise that’s not everyone’s position). I also couldn’t get too het up about naptime being ruined as she wanted a cuddle, it’s crappy but some people just don’t get it.

But tbh rolling up to someone’s house and asking for food is rude in my book so YANBU! At my mum’s I might say ‘do you mind if I make myself a tea’ and she’ll say of course not. But other than that I wouldn’t ever presume to ask for refreshments in anyone’s house and certainly wouldn’t expect them to make them for me. If someone says ‘would you like a snack/drink’ I would accept and offer to help if I did. I can sort of get it if her daughter is small and hungry and they’d been held up and missed a meal - grasping at straws. And I’d have phrased it as ‘I’m so sorry, DD and I got caught in traffic and she’s starving - do you have anything in I can get for her or would you mind keeping an eye on her while I nip to the shop for something?’

But tbh she just sounds rude rather than breaking any particular protocol.

Leaannb · 28/10/2020 16:41

@Crankley

Not aiming for the Hostess with the Mostess title this year then?

She would obviously have been wrong to wake your baby but I really don't see why you couldn't have made her a sandwich. She wasn't asking for a 15 course tasting menu.

Because she isn't a restaurant. Its rude as hell to invite yourself to someone's house for lunch

flaviaritt · 28/10/2020 16:43

Its rude as hell to invite yourself to someone's house for lunch

Yes, but when it’s family it’s not quite the same in my eyes. I wouldn’t ask a casual friend to make me a sandwich but I’d ask my sister.

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