Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

How to handle inlaws racist remarks

38 replies

Newbie8365 · 28/10/2020 11:50

Over the years my in laws have made racist comments. I was young at the time when I first heard them (18) and maybe because I was shocked and naive I didnt say anything.

Fast forward a few years and my husbands aunty and uncle made racist comments at a dinner party that my inlaws were hosting. This time I did not keep my mouth shut and I am proud for standing up to them and not letting them think this was ok.

A year after that dinner party we went on holiday with my inlaws. They complained the whole time about anything and everything. On one night we were having dinner together and my FIL comes out with some awful racists comments yet again. MIL knew I would be upset and looked straight at me for a reaction but did not say anything. I was so angry and upset with them that I couldnt even make eye contact. After dinner my husband apologised and said something along the lines that they are old and dont understand todays world. My mother is the same age (60s) but isnt racist so I dont accept this excuse.

Ever since that holiday (2 years ago) I cant stand being near his parents. They make me uncomfortable. I feel like I hate them. Whenever I do see them they seem to make comments that I find offensive.

I dont know how I can maintain a relationship with them. DH and I are TTC, I'm afraid of them being grandparents to my child (if I am ever lucky enough to have one).

Am I being unreasonable for feeling like this? How would you handle the situation?

OP posts:

NotMaryWhitehouse · 28/10/2020 11:53

God no, you are definitely not BU! I would be so, so shocked and I would show it too!

I would tell them straight that you just cannot stand being around them because they are racists. Tell it as it is. Your poor DH, he must be so embarrassed.

Ps: my dad is in his 80s and he would be disgusted, age is irrelevant, frankly.

NotMaryWhitehouse · 28/10/2020 11:54

Yuck!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 28/10/2020 11:56

YANBU. In my case it is my own parents who are the ones most likely to make such comments. I visibly recoil, make a point of rearranging my face and say something like "That's nice"

But it makes no difference. Thankfully we have very very little contact, so they are always somebody elses problem!

Original poster

Newbie8365 · 28/10/2020 11:58

I really want to say something to them but I dont want to put my DH in the middle. He is nothing like them at all and is really embarrassed by their views. I'm waiting until they say something else but just hope I can keep my feelings under control and do it in a calm and reasonable way.

OP posts:

Waveysnail · 28/10/2020 11:59

It's hard. Love my dad and inlaws immensely but omg I cringe when they start. They know how i feel so usually i just excuse myself from the room. My own kids who are school age - we have had chats with them about grandparents use of racists terms and talked about why i think its wrong. I very much encourage them in that you cant change other peoples attitudes only how we react. So they often say to grandparents that that's not nice or our pre teen rolls his eyes

MissMarplesHandbag · 28/10/2020 12:00

Call it out, every single time.
Their age is irrelevant.

Waveysnail · 28/10/2020 12:00

They have a great relationship with grandparents and know that's just how they are and accept them even if they dont agree

Mytimetokillandmaim · 28/10/2020 12:04

You tell them out straight....many comments you make are racist and offensive,it makes me extremely uncomfortable/angry/whatever

LightDrizzle · 28/10/2020 12:05

I’m afraid my mum came out with racist comments as she aged, but she was much older than your in-laws.
You are right to verbally object every time they do it, and should you prefer, you can get up and walk away saying you don’t want to stay and listen to racist comments. Every time.

I would broach the children issue at an early point with your DH, you need to decide and he needs to know, whether you want any children you have to be around such comments. It’s too late to raise it after you have conceived.

ShinyGreenElephant · 28/10/2020 12:06

I think you need to make sure you and DH are on the same page - any hint of a racist comment in the presence of the kids, they will not see them again. And he needs to stick to it. And this starts long before they have any understanding. And they are never, ever allowed unsupervised access for any amount of time. Otherwise I wouldn't TTC. I've been through it with my grandad - I had to tell him twice when my oldest was a baby, the third time I left and he didn't see us for a month until he had sworn it would never happen again. Its been 11 years and its never happened again. Hes never been alone with any of my kids (although by about 5 or 6 my oldest would have ripped him to shreds if he made a racist comment) and never will, because I'm sure he's still a racist - hes 93 and far too old and set in his ways to talk round - but weve managed an okay relationship so it is possible. Just need very, very firm boundaries

CaraDuneRedux · 28/10/2020 12:07

Ps: my dad is in his 80s and he would be disgusted, age is irrelevant, frankly.

Likewise.

Maybe when you do have children, make it crystal clear to them that any racist remarks and you will leave immediately/ask them to leave.

Even if it's half way through Christmas dinner.

JammyGem · 28/10/2020 12:12

My sympathies OP. My dad is the same, and as much as I love him dearly, I really struggle to be around him when he starts. He knows my feelings and sometimes seems to say things just to goad me, looking at me waiting for my reaction. I used to argue, but it just got nasty and ill never change his views. Now I just leave the room.

I'm a bit worried about if he says something when DD is old enough to understand. I wouldn't ever stop him seeing her (he adores her!) but I will remove her from the room as well, and have a chat with him that I don't want her to hear those views. Dreading it as I know it won't go well.

Original poster

Newbie8365 · 28/10/2020 12:15

Thanks everyone for your advice. I really appreciate it.

I will tell them straight everytime they make an offensive comment. Its silly but this has been playing on my mind and I'm not even pregnant yet. I will make it crystal clear to them that those type of comments wont be accepted.

OP posts:

Satsuma2 · 28/10/2020 12:21

Does your husband not say anything to them? I would say something to them every single time. I would hold eye contact with them until they squirm. Admittedly I am older than you and maybe have got better at confrontation as I have got older. All my nephews and nieces are mixed race and I caused a big hooha at work when I questioned one of my bosses racist remarks. Now they act all woke!
You and your husband need to decide how much contact they will have with your children before they arrive. Your children don't need to hear any of their racism and maybe telling them they will have less access to their grandchildren will make them realise what they stand to lose. I also don't like the sound of your mother-in-law, she obviously knew what was being said would be upsetting and was waiting to see your reaction.

Gilead · 28/10/2020 12:24

I’m 62. I’d call them out. Old is not an excuse.

StayCloseSpooky · 28/10/2020 12:26

I have this. I've been with DH a long time and at first I'm ashamed I let it go (various reasons- wanted to make a good impression to new in-laws, thinking 'they couldn't have possibly meant that comment in a racist way' etc). Now I call them out on it every. Dam. Time. Call a spade a spade. I say 'that's a very offensive and racist comment and I don't want that being said in front of me or DC'. Usually shuts them up although I don't think either of them have enough self awareness for it to challenge their rancid view points

BrimfulOfBaba · 28/10/2020 12:37

Your DH needs to challenge them if he doesn't share those views. I wouldn't want to have children with someone who glossed over racism. 60 isn't even old, not that being elderly is an excuse. Anti-racists have existed for as long as racists.

Ohtherewearethen · 28/10/2020 12:38

I think I'd have to say that they are welcome to be as disgustingly racist as they like when they're alone but you will not be subjected to it. They don't need to say racist things. They choose to, knowing it makes you uncomfortable. If they can't respect that then I would just not see them and would explain why. Your husband should do more than just apologise for them afterwards I think.

bakereld · 28/10/2020 12:39

Challenge it and call it out every single time.

Not acceptable. Age isn't an excuse.

SarahAndQuack · 28/10/2020 12:41

I think it's not putting your DP 'in the middle' to expect him to tackle it.

I think you need to have a discussion with your DP about how you will deal with this if you do have a child.

I have to say, both my family and my DP's family are capable of saying some truly awful things. DP and I have an agreement that we will not tackle every single thing, every single time, simple because it becomes exhausting and on occasion, unfortunately, it is clear that the person making the comments is enjoying baiting us. I mention that because your MIL sounds very similar, when you say she looked at you expecting a reaction.

You do not have to call people out, IMO.

But, you do need a strategy for explaining it to a child. At some point, they are going to start asking why granny says such-and-such, or why you are cross with granny. And you and your DP need to have decided how you'll deal with that. At what point does this become something you think is damaging your child? Is there a point at which you'd no longer want your child to stay with grandparents, for example? If so you need to talk about it now.

Herja · 28/10/2020 12:45

Yiu don't need to be rude about it. Just tell them you find what they are saying incredibly offensive, racist and you would rather they refrained around you. Every single time.

You're not being rude. They are. If they kick off, it's them and their racism putting your DH in the middle, not you.

My family range in age from 6 to 82. None of them hold racist views. The oldest were active pro refugee and anti racism campaigners for decades. Age is no excuse.

Jokie · 28/10/2020 12:48

I get this from my in-laws. At first, I thought they couldn't have meant what they said (They did), then when they started on about the kids that my kids were playing with ("but they're not one of us. Aren't you worried to let you child play with them?") That we cut them off and told them if they started on with that crap, that we'd be leaving. We did a few times.

You need to call it out when they say it. I've been called "soft" and "weak" for refusing to stay and listen to the crap they come out with

Wolfiefan · 28/10/2020 12:54

DH needs to deal with it. Don’t see them if they won’t control what comes out of their mouths.

FelicityPike · 28/10/2020 12:56

Quite frankly they’d be getting told...by their son....that ONE just one racist comment/ remark from either of them and that WILL be the last time they see him, you and their future grandchild/ren.
I just couldn’t be around people like that and would not tolerate it near my children.

Gilead · 28/10/2020 13:08

You do not have to call people out, IMO
Yes you do, otherwise it becomes acceptable.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread