How to handle inlaws racist remarks

[Newbie8365]

Over the years my in laws have made racist comments. I was young at the time when I first heard them (18) and maybe because I was shocked and naive I didnt say anything.

Fast forward a few years and my husbands aunty and uncle made racist comments at a dinner party that my inlaws were hosting. This time I did not keep my mouth shut and I am proud for standing up to them and not letting them think this was ok.

A year after that dinner party we went on holiday with my inlaws. They complained the whole time about anything and everything. On one night we were having dinner together and my FIL comes out with some awful racists comments yet again. MIL knew I would be upset and looked straight at me for a reaction but did not say anything. I was so angry and upset with them that I couldnt even make eye contact. After dinner my husband apologised and said something along the lines that they are old and dont understand todays world. My mother is the same age (60s) but isnt racist so I dont accept this excuse.

Ever since that holiday (2 years ago) I cant stand being near his parents. They make me uncomfortable. I feel like I hate them. Whenever I do see them they seem to make comments that I find offensive.

I dont know how I can maintain a relationship with them. DH and I are TTC, I'm afraid of them being grandparents to my child (if I am ever lucky enough to have one).

Am I being unreasonable for feeling like this? How would you handle the situation?

I would not see that age here is any form of excuse. I would look to limit contact if this is a persistent and deep issue. I agree I could not put up with this, particularly when you have kids

Tell him you don't want to bring children into that environment so if he doesn't sort the ignorant bastards, he won't be getting any.

I have pointed out my MIL's racism to her a couple of times. It feels uncomfortable to do, but I make myself do it because I want my kids to stand up for what's right, so they need to see me doing it too. I

I don't think I've changed her mind about any of her nonsense. In fact I'm pretty sure the only thing she's learned is "don't talk about this stuff in front of Outrageous, because it makes her cross". But that's okay. I'm doing it to educate my DC, not my MIL.

I called out a racist.
I live in a bungalow with a low front garden wall, an elderly man used to walk past on his way to the park and used to have a sit down on the wall for a breather.

Recently the bungalow next door has been sold. When asked who bought it I told him the name of the buyer and he came out with "at least its someone with the right colour". I stopped him right there and told him to find another wall to sit on from now on.

My dad is like this. He gets an argument every time he does it. He's done it twice in front of the kids and been told one more occasion will result in him not seeing his grand kids.

I don't agree, @gilead.

To my mind, calling out racist remarks is important because it might change someone's mind, it might reassure a listener that you do not agree with racism, and it might send out a message to people who need to learn (such as a child). If someone simply does not and will not change, all you're doing is reassuring listeners and sending out that message.

Sometimes, I think it is acceptable to say, this is enough, I am getting nowhere calling this out. I am going to take another strategy. Maybe that's telling a child you believe granny is very wrong when she says these things, and making space to talk about it. Maybe it's you and your partner deciding to spend less time with granddad. Maybe it's deciding you won't leave a child alone with them. Or maybe even cutting contact completely.

But I think what is not helpful, is for a child to see his or her mother repeatedly asking granny and grandad not to use racist language, and seeing them treat her with contempt for that request. That isn't sending any good message about racism. That is sending the message that mummy doesn't matter very much, and no one can stop granny and grandad being racist if they choose to be racist.

I would personally be going down the diminishing contact route, but I think it takes time, and in the mean time, I think it's really important not always to feel you are the problem if you don't call out every single racist comment. They obviously know how the OP feels about it. They're choosing to continue saying these things. The problem is them.

Thanks everyone. I do feel more confident to stand up to this situation now. I was afraid of being the cause of any family tension but you are right, its not me causing it.

I've got the same problem with my actual family. They are both homophobic and racist sadly.
I've talked to them nicely and talked to them angrily. They don't care and can't see there's a problem. They just don't get it and my mum denies she does it even though I've heard her talking like this to a friend who is also of the same mind.
She knows most people won't agree with her and her precious pearl clutching self image is at stake.

YANBU I've refused to speak to my partners cousin for the last 4 years as he was openly racist and refused to acknowledge it or apologised. He sees his clear racism to just be a joke and calls people snowflakes if they get offended. I've seen him but refuse to speak to him after that. YANBU OP.

This is awful. I understand why you would be concerned about your potential future children being around this. I think one thing is although it's all unacceptable how you approach it does depend on what they say. For example if they use word to describe BAME people which are offensive could it be they don't know the correct terminology? Or is it just outright racism? I know I'm potentially clutching at straws here!

One way I have heard people deal with jokes or off the cuff remarks is ask people to explain it. This can often lead to you being able to question it under the guise of I don't understand.

OP, I agree with the PP who said to make sure you and your DH are on the same page with this. I called out my MIL on an intentionally inflammatory racist comment and she was horribly toxic to me thereafter till the day she died. My then husband never stood up for me. He also said it was her generation but, in my experience, it was just her.

Good luck!

I think this necessitates a very frank discussion with your DH.
This is very important to you. Does he understand that you will NOT have racist remarks near your children? What will HE do to protect his future children from this? Is he prepared to speak up if it happens? Is he prepared to tell his parents that they cannot be around your children unless they keep their ignorant opinions to themselves?
If you don’t discuss this BEFORE you conceive, you could find yourself cast as the villain just because you don’t want to tolerate this. Your husband seems inclined to overlook this behaviour but if it is a key value for you then it needs thrashing out beforehand.

Why on earth does your DH not say anything?

He is just being an apologist for their horrible views. People in their 60s are a generation or two younger than the people who fought the major Civil Rights campaigns, People in their 60s invented Rock Against Racism, and are younger than the people who legislated against race discrimination.

We can't police people's thoughts. But we are entitled to give our views, and as parents to be you are entitled to decide what influences your child will encounter. As it happens, my Dad's parents and relatives were horribly racist and my Nan said some terrible things to me when I was a child, but my father did not grow up to be a racist, he had the intelligence to be critical of the nonsense he grew up hearing. And I thought my Nan was talking rubbish on that particular issue, from when I was about 7.

Your DH needs to find his backbone and let them know that your child will be growing up in a multi-racial world, and you never ever want to hear them talk like that about your child's future playmates.