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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Surviving maternity leave with MIL

69 replies

LemonTree83 · 28/10/2020 11:29

Hi everyone,
Hope you can give me some much needed advice. My MIL lives with us (long and complicated story, can't get her out unless she hates it here and leaves of her own free will). So i can't stand the woman as she's really opinionated, rude and argumentstive but I'm stuck in this situation for now. My DH is great and very supportive but i don't really give a toss what she thinks of me so I just leave him to deal with her which seems to work fine as we have a huge house so we each have our own space I can just do my own thing. The trouble is that she doesn't work and I'm starting maternity leave in a few months so am worried about being stuck at home with her a lot and having a breakdown. Any tips on how to make the best of a crap situation and survive? x

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 28/10/2020 17:51

@heartshapedfaces

I feel sorry for you but I also feel sorry for MIL. Doesn’t sound like a happy life at all

If you're living on someone else's grace and favour then I don't think it's unreasonable to expect that you, as a minimum civil to the people helping you.

I'd also expect to take some responsibility for their own social life and overall well-being.

Cultural expectations or not doesn't mean you get to behave badly and expect everyone to suck it up.

So I don't have any sympathy for MIL tbh and if she doesn't like the idea of the kitchenette then so what?

It's only necessary because she's made it so...

Orangeblossom7777 · 28/10/2020 17:52

I noticed you said

Her husband didn't work so they had no money and she couldn't pay the mortgage. If we ever did kick her out then she'd have nowhere to go and we would have to either buy her a flat or rent one for her which we can't afford.

She may be able to get council sheltered housing. This happened to my dad- he got it and it is fine. Warm and clean. She'd get housing benefit, and pension credit...

unlikelytobe · 28/10/2020 18:01

So you don't have meals together at the moment? Does she prepare her own food separately in the kitchen or what? I ask because a kitchenette in her 'quarters' sounds like a good idea but it may not suit her because it won't allow her to cook in the way she likes to and will make it clear she has to keep away. It's not easy for you or her really.

Annebronte · 28/10/2020 18:04

I would get a builder or architect round to see if a mini flat could be created within your large home, so that she really can be separate, but you would still be meeting the cultural expectations.

SynchroSwimmer · 28/10/2020 18:08

Can you set up another “special” room which is designated just for yourself, such as a fake office, with a desk and lots of files, but the main purpose of the room being your relaxing day room with a nice chair and everything that you want around you etc?

Have it as a sacrosanct space just for you.

If MIL tries to intrude just pretend to be on the phone talking “business” or numbers or suchlike, until she gets the idea that it’s your private “workspace”

Maybe even a yoga mat and some headphones?

I have been known to wear minimal or even no clothing to deter people from intruding - but that is a bit extreme and probably won’t be culturally acceptable....😂

Orangeblossom7777 · 28/10/2020 18:08

Also, if you did apply for council sheltered housing you would count as a 'family connection' to get priority. If she gets ill she could get attendance allowance and care would be based on her income not yours - might be worth looking into.

lanthanum · 28/10/2020 18:16

Perhaps try and frame the kitchenette as a favour to her - you've realised that she's used to having the kitchen to herself during the day and once maternity leave starts you're bound to be in and out of it and leaving mess because you need to get back to the baby, so you're sure she'll prefer to have her own kitchen space. (If she's the sort that likes to have a big baking session sometimes, you can always suggest that those can still happen, perhaps on days when you're out anyway.)

whyayepetal · 28/10/2020 18:17

Love the ideas about kitchen in a cupboard - great solution for now, and would also possibly work in the future as an independent flat within a house for a young adult? Win win I reckon Smile

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/10/2020 18:23

Yes to the kitchenette/kitchen in a cupboard idea!!! And also, yes to a lock on your living room door, so you can have lots of quality time bonding with baby at your pace. Good luck 🤞

MessAllOver · 28/10/2020 18:25

Yes, dividing the house seems like the best option. If this is going to be a permanent arrangement, is there any way you could have a separate entrance for her?

Sounds like the only way you're going to be happier is getting her out of your living space.

SciFiScream · 28/10/2020 18:34

Is there any possibility that when baby arrives the family dynamic will change enough for you to tolerate her? I know it's not what you asked but clutching at straws.

My own mum died when I was very young and my late MIL was the most wonderful woman. She raised a great son and loved my children, her grandchildren so much it was almost tangible.

I wish every DIL a MIL like mine was.

Do you have a local relevant cultural organisation that might offer befriending, day opportunities, clubs that you could send your MIL to? If your DH suggests it (beloved son!) he might have more success?

RelaisBlu · 28/10/2020 18:34

I understand the cultural thing OP - fortunately my MIL was lovely though!

AldiAisleofCrap · 28/10/2020 18:38

@LemonTree83 check the council tax implications of a second kitchen.

Thomasina79 · 28/10/2020 18:52

Not sure what to suggest apart from being firm about boundaries. It is nice of you to give her a home and I am full of admiration for this, cultural or not. I think I would have gone stark staring mad if I had to have my late MIL living with us!

I have just thought maybe some sort of rota when you both need to use the kitchen?

TheMandalorian · 28/10/2020 18:59

You haven't really said how difficult and opinionated she is. Eg what the particular problems are. Would you and she be willing to go to family counselling to work out how to live together amicably.
I found pregnancy and the hormones, nesting and protective news really turned me off people and opened my eyes to my mothers shortcomings. It really does focus you on the relationships around you. I wonder if you could try to reframe her actions into something positive.
Almost parenting her. I preaume you've been reading some parenting books so perhaps apply some of those principles with her. Eg for a toddler tantrum it is best to distract to a different game rather than shouting no.
Maybe try giving her a chocolate every time she does/ says something nice?
Give her jobs to do. Busy work. Or find her a hobby. Knitting is handy for a baby.
At the end of the day she could try to take over with your baby so you and dh need to agree firm boundaries with her. No coming through in the night to help with crying baby unless you want a rest.
I wouldn't burn bridges as she may be an invaluable help, unless she is a complete witch. In which case she needs to ship on out.
Sorry that was a ramble but I'm dont have a clear view of your relationship so you and dh need to decide whether to work on the relationship and spin it more positively or if its better to find her somewhere else to live.

IseeIsee · 28/10/2020 19:46

Why do you not eat meals together now? Is the tension that high between you? If yes then the kitchenette is a good idea and then you never have to see her. This will mean that her interaction with her grandchild will end up being limited also.

Original poster
LemonTree83 · 30/10/2020 11:18

Thank you everyone! Loads of good ideas here. I'm looking into a kitchenette and will make her living room as nice as possible so she'll want to spend more time there. She doesn't bake or anything so kitchenette should be fine. DH is all on board with this. I'll also invest in my room a bit more. And will just have to invite other mum friends round and get out when I can.
The reason we don't eat together at the moment is just because of habit - she's always used to sitting and eating in front of the TV so doesn't sit at dinner table. Cooking we've been taking in turns to do just to keep it fair - but anyone is free to make their own if they don't like what's on offer.
My issues with her are about her thinking she is always right about everything - doesn't matter what it is. I ignore a lot of this though and don't care what she thinks. Am polite though. And cooking has always been an issue where she liked to stand over me in the kitchen and comment constantly about how I do things (typical I know). DH told her to back off on this though and it led to a huge argument between them because she felt he was attacking her. This is one of a hundred arguments. I just ignore her now and it works for me.

OP posts:
LaBellina · 30/10/2020 11:24

I would also say divide the house.

And make it very clear to her - together with your DH - that you are on maternity leave, it's not a holiday. You need to rest as much as you can, relax and prepare for the arrival of your baby. She should respect your boundaries and if that means you don't want to spend time with her, so be it.
It's your house and you're pregnant, you're perfectly entitled to say you want some part of the house all to yourself.

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