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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Surviving maternity leave with MIL

69 replies

LemonTree83 · 28/10/2020 11:29

Hi everyone,
Hope you can give me some much needed advice. My MIL lives with us (long and complicated story, can't get her out unless she hates it here and leaves of her own free will). So i can't stand the woman as she's really opinionated, rude and argumentstive but I'm stuck in this situation for now. My DH is great and very supportive but i don't really give a toss what she thinks of me so I just leave him to deal with her which seems to work fine as we have a huge house so we each have our own space I can just do my own thing. The trouble is that she doesn't work and I'm starting maternity leave in a few months so am worried about being stuck at home with her a lot and having a breakdown. Any tips on how to make the best of a crap situation and survive? x

OP posts:

Original poster

LemonTree83 · 28/10/2020 17:15

I am loving all of these suggestions. Feel better already, thank you x

OP posts:

mrsmrt1981 · 28/10/2020 17:17

[quote LemonTree83]@Aquamarine1029 - she has her own bathroom and living room in addition to her bedroom. So generally it works ok in terms of privacy.The only shared area is the kitchen which is the problem area. It's the only time I have to see and speak to her - when she's in the kitchen at the same time.[/quote]
God, I swear some people just come on here with the sole intention of being a dick...

OP, If the house is big enough then I would be separating it. Sounds like a shut situation though and not sure I could deal with that personally.

notalwaysalondoner · 28/10/2020 17:18

I agree with the kitchenette idea, if you have as large a house as you are suggesting it shouldn't be hard to add a couple of kitchen units, a hob, a microwave and a sink somewhere in her space. It would be a bit of investment but super worth it if in the long term it means that you don't all fall out and resent each other.

Apart from that, scheduling times in the kitchen would be the other way to go, but with a new baby that would be tough. Maybe you could give her times she can go in? So then at least you know if she'll be there or not?

AnotherEmma · 28/10/2020 17:18

No need to apologise! Sorry I was harsh. I had a kneejerk reaction because I'm on maternity leave myself and the thought of having to live with a MIL 😱😱😱

I definitely think you should set up a kitchenette for MIL and not for yourself, you don't want to create a dynamic whereby she uses the main kitchen and you skulk about elsewhere.

Do you think you could fit a small kitchenette with a bit of worktop space, small fridge, sink, kettle, cupboard? A toaster and/or microwave if space?

AdoptAdaptImprove · 28/10/2020 17:19

Can you make the parts of the house she lives in (bedroom and bathroom, I take it, but does she also have her own sitting room?) as personal and attractive to her as possible, so she likes spending time there more often than in ‘yours’? That, with the kitchenette suggested above, might give you a better degree of separation, and then you can visit her without being together all the time.

You might also find that you inexplicably become very messy after the baby comes, with lots of toys around the place, and that your kitchen and sitting room become dominated by baby things - so much less pleasant to sit in than her own lovely room...

workhomesleeprepeat · 28/10/2020 17:19

Good thig you have a big house! As above, try to make your space as private as possible, and put a kitchenette into her space. Do before the baby comes so its already established!

Its great that you don't care what she thinks. that's often half the battle when it comes to living with in laws.

Just a warning to you as well (can't tell from your op if you have other kids, but will include this anyway) she may be VERY interested in spending time with you and offering up a lot of 'advice' when the baby comes. Be prepared. Get your husband onside (I know he is already, but as much as poss!) as she may become more challenging. My sister's MIL sounds like yours and this is what happened to her!

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2020 17:20

Just curious. How happy is your MiL?

And whilst the kitchenette is a good idea for you, will it just make her think you're locking her away?

Does she ever go away? Are there other family members she visits? Does she have friends?

MessAllOver · 28/10/2020 17:22

How much money are you willing to throw at this?

What about something like this? www.ebay.co.uk/i/224207712050?chn=ps

The other option is to make the house so unpleasant she has no option but to leave. Can you lock her out of the kitchen? So she can't access it? Or mice/noise/a nasty smell?

Also, realistically you're not going to get rid of her unless she has somewhere to go. So you need to plan something. Who is paying for her? Does she have a pension/any income?

AnotherEmma · 28/10/2020 17:23

Also... I expressed it harshly but I suppose what I was thinking is that to some extent you have to own the decision for her to live with you; if you've decided that's what has to happen, you need to accept it, and if you can't accept it, you have to revisit the decision. Hopefully the kitchenette idea will make it more bearable for you, but I think you're also going to have to work on your mindset to get through it... when she annoys you perhaps remind yourself of the reasons you agreed to her living there. If that makes sense.

Original poster

LemonTree83 · 28/10/2020 17:28

Thanks , yes we do have the space for a kitchenette for her. I didn't realise you could put these in with concealed cupboards to save space. Literally looking at options now!

OP posts:

CovidAnni · 28/10/2020 17:29

Or befriend her and get on with her.

Original poster

LemonTree83 · 28/10/2020 17:30

@AnotherEmma - I know exactly what you mean. It is my mindset that I need to change and I need to keep reminding myself of the reasons she's here. Generally I cope ok when I'm working or have friends over. It is when I spend annual leave at home when I start to go mad.

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 28/10/2020 17:34

I hear you. Also depending whether you're Tier 1/2/3 and whether there are (m)any baby groups running in your area, it might be difficult to get out of the house. I'm doing my best but struggling! The weather doesn't help either when it rains so much, not the most inviting for taking baby out for a walk!

gubbbbbddaaaa · 28/10/2020 17:37

In normal circumstances wouldn't she get a council flat ? Fuck cultural experience expectations.. I'd never cope with my mIl in the house no matter how big!

PantsandBoots · 28/10/2020 17:37

Perhaps she could be an extra pair of hands for you eg she could mind the baby when you need to shower? Or get her to cook so that her darling son will have dinner waiting for him?

Also, have zero tolerance boundaries, be polite but firm in your needs/expectations and dont suffer in silence. Make sure you tell her whilst your husband is present so she cant twist it around.

Original poster

LemonTree83 · 28/10/2020 17:37

@Nanny0gg - she's not a happy person at all. She has no friends and no family nearby who she could visit. She has a daughter but she lives with her own in laws (similar cultural reasons). She will think we are locking her away but I think I've done more than enough with her even being here so DH and I have made it clear it's our house and we won't be the ones compromising. I'm sure the kitchenette will trigger an argument but I don't care

OP posts:

milveycrohn · 28/10/2020 17:39

When my grandmother lived with us for a while, it only worked because she was completely independent of us;
she had her own mini oven, fridge, kettle, etc, and would therefore prepare her own meals.
Nowadays, you can get these mini kitchens, and as you seem to have the space, sounds the best solution.

Meowza74 · 28/10/2020 17:39

How does DH feel about her being there? Would he be happy to section off part of the house completely?

What happens when she gets older and requires help/care?

DeRigueurMortis · 28/10/2020 17:41

Came on to say "kitchen in a cupboard" but been beaten to it.

I think something like this could work.

Hob, fridge, sink, microwave (which could be a convection microwave and thus also function as an oven), workspace and lots of storage for plates/cutlery, food etc.

Close it up and it's just a big cupboard.

Not cheap but a good investment for you I think.

With a baby you'll spend more time in the kitchen sterilising things, making baby foods and feeding baby in a high chair etc so removing the need for her to be in there would make a big difference.

If it was me I'd splash the cash as much as possible on this to make the "kitchen cupboard" as functional as possible - rather than just a fridge/sink/microwave.

lifestooshort123 · 28/10/2020 17:41

I agree with most of the suggestions on here and would just add that whatever boundaries you decide on in the house, they need to be firmly in place before your baby arrives so there are no misunderstandings. Do you think your MIL is expecting to help you with the baby? You might want to get your husband on board with that one. Are there any social groups that she could get involved in to make her life more interesting? I have every sympathy for you but I'd imagine her life feels pretty crap sometimes. Good luck.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/10/2020 17:41

Next time she's rude to you, be upfront about the fact that it's your house and that you expect her to be civil if she wants to continue to live there. Tell her you respect her as DH's mother, but you will not tolerate rudeness and you do not want an argumentative atmosphere in your home. It is YOUR home, which YOU have worked hard for, and you are entitled for it to be a calm sanctuary, not a battlefield.
Make your position clear, it will get worse if you do not stake out your boundaries now.
As workhomesleeprepeat said, she will become more challenging once the baby arrives, so nip it in the bud now, even if it means being blunter than you feel comfortable with.
And then make sure she has plenty of cronies to go hang out with. Is she involved in the community at all? Maybe you can work on that.

Eviebeans · 28/10/2020 17:42

Are there any culturally based activity type groups that MIL could join/participate in? A member of my extended family loved going to ESOL group. Kitchenette area looks great.

MichelleofzeResistance · 28/10/2020 17:43

If you can run to a kitchenette then that's great! And it's brilliant timing to sort it now. She'd have her own independence and space and will be spared having to manage around the baby and then the toddler and the avalanche of stuff everywhere that will ensue, it won't mean any loss of freedom for her in being able to make what she wants when she wants and have plenty of space for all her own preferred things.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/10/2020 17:43

Are you and dh planning 9n raising the baby in the same cultural framework?

heartshapedfaces · 28/10/2020 17:44

I feel sorry for you but I also feel sorry for MIL. Doesn’t sound like a happy life at all

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