To feel upset at only having 1 child?

[Woodlandwalk22]

Hi, this is my first post but have lurked for a while. I’m a mum of 1, he’s 5 months old and I’ve just become a single parent. I had intended on maybe trying for a 2nd with exp in a year or so but now I’m single I just can’t be bothered to find someone new, get to know them, introduce him into our life etc. I also had a very traumatic birth/recovery and I’m petrified of doing that again. So it makes sense for me to stop at just 1, I feel happy with just my son I don’t feel that I necessarily NEED another child. But when I see families with 2 or more kids I get a bit upset that I may not have that, that my son might not have any siblings and I know it sounds silly but I don’t feel like a ‘real’ mum. I’ve seen posts on here saying parents of only’s have it easy, and I feel like I haven’t experienced motherhood properly only having 1 child!. Do any of you have only 1 child? Does it get better? Are there positivities to having an only?
Also, sorry if this post seems a bit all over the place, I’m very sleep deprived!

Your baby is 5 months, you are fairly newly single. Just take it a step at a time. Not many people are ready for number two when number one is 5 months.

You might meet someone else and have another, you might not. No one with one child really knows at this point whether they will have an only child or not.

You are a real mum, how many children you have had nothing to do with that. There's lots of advantages to one. They have no sibling to fall out with, you can give them all your time and attention, you can spend more money on them. It's easier to find child care or a baby sitter!

Go easy on yourself.

I have an only "child", he's 23 now. It was never planned that way and I'm still with his dad, ill health and financial difficulties took away the option for the first ten years and then... I didn't want another by that stage in my life. I think having an only child is easier in some ways than having two or more. It is easier financially, easier to get babysitters, easier to care for in a one to one way..... But I spent a lot of time setting up play dates, taking cousins and friends on holiday with us for company for my son.... Constantly trying to meet that social need that is easier for parents of multiple children.... I have to say the worry and stress is less as the mother of an only child, significantly less than parents of multiple children.... but I don't aim for a high stress life so it suits me. I occasionally have moments of regret that I only ever had the one child, but they are very few and far between. I'm happy with my only and I have a fantastic relationship with him as well. I envy you, you are at the start of your relationship with your son ( I'm sorry your relationship ended at this time)

There are plenty of people who only have one or who can physically and financially only have one. There are plenty of people who don’t get on with their siblings or elder children who effectively need to parent their younger sibling or lose out on attention when a younger sibling is introduced. You are a real mum. Your issue is not with the second child but with the “happy family picture”. If your ex partner split with you when you were pregnant or when your baby was young or did something bad enough in that time period to make you leave him then you are better off without him.

It's really early days. When mine was 5 months I still didn't know what day it was let alone having to deal with a break up. Be kind to yourself.
The fact is many things may or may not happen in the years to come. I know lots of people who are very happy with one child, and i know lots of other people in such a situation who meet another partner and have more children. It's too soon to assume that either of these won't happen to you, your opinion will change over time and you never know what's around the corner.

Hiya, I dunno how helpful my P.O.V is but my daughter is 9 months old and I’m pretty sure we are going to stop at one.... I think any more is a lot of stress, more money and life is just generally more difficult. I imagine a nice little life with my little girl: able to afford nice holidays etc. I asked my niece who is an only if she wants any siblings and she said no coz she likes how close she is to her mum. I know it may not be what you thought you wanted and it could always change! Just be grateful for what you do have, there are many people out there who desperately want one and can’t have that. 💗

I agree with others, who knows what’s in your future! Don’t worry about it now.

But, I am mum to one child. He’s 15 and it’s fab. I have enjoyed being a mummy, but it’s also nice to see my freedom; fancy holidays; easy retirement etc all within touching distance.
Some benefits:

When I die, DS just gets everything, no arguments to worry about.

I only have one child to put through uni £££!!!

I’m wealthier than most of my friends and family, due to having less children to provide for

and DS has always had all of my attention, no guilt required.

He’s always had the best and we’ve always taken him to amazing places around the world.

If I went back in time, I wouldn’t do anything differently.

OP,
All 4 of my children have at least a couple of only children as good friends.

Without exception they are the loveliest, most rounded, confident children.

Enjoy your baby.
Don't spoil this time beating yourself up over the future.

Look into practicing "Mindfulness" and enjoy today.

Enjoy the present rather than fretting about the future. They’re honestly only babies for two minutes, my eldest is 10 and I’m still not sure how it’s gone so quickly.

As others have said, you have no idea what the future holds so try not to overthink it.

I have a two year old daughter and we're pretty sure we're only going to have one for several different reasons:

• We'll have more money only having one and won't have to worry about budgeting for Christmas, birthday, school trips etc
• I have type one diabetes and had an awful pregnancy. I also had thrush for nine months straight following her birth.
• I worry about bringing another child into the world with the way things are going.

I may change my mind or become pregnant accidentally though, who knows?

Enjoy your son and try not to think about it too much :) Easier said than done I know, it's something I think about a lot myself. Bloody biological urges eh.

Thank you everyone for your kind words, and also sharing your experiences if you are a mum of 1. It has helped a lot.

Just wanted to comment on a few points. I suppose a lot of it might be a projection that we aren’t the typical nuclear family, it is just me and him now. His dad has practically no contact and won’t pay CMS. So there’s a lot of stress there. If I’m honestly, logically I think I am done. I feel complete with just my boy, I don’t feel like another child would add anything to my life. I had a horrible pregnancy (heavily bled throughout the pregnancy, never felt I could relax, awful sickness) and then a traumatic birth (which I’m completely unprepared to do again and if I did have a 2nd child I’d have a c-section but then that petrified me too). I’m happy to just focus on my son and me and build a life for the both of us. But as someone else said, it’s a biological urge. I see a family with lots of children and although logically I know it isn’t for me, I feel a genuine physical longing for that life. But hearing others stories and how they are happy with just the one has made me feel a bit better.

People also forget that having another does not guarantee a playmate - for lots of reasons.

Of course you’re experiencing motherhood “properly” with one. You’re a mother aren’t you?

DS is our only by choice. For various reasons including my mental health.

He’s 7 next week. Last night he had a dream that he was trying to stop DH and me “mating” before it was too late. Too late meant making a sibling- he’s very happy being an only child.

I have an only child by choice, and never considered having more. It's a perfectly valid choice, and makes you no less of a parent (though some other parents of multiples still seem to get very agitated by it -- at one point there was a lot of 'An only is a lonely!' and 'You CAN'T stop at one!').

However, I think you're (understandably) overthinking this at the moment. You have a small baby and have just had a break up -- be kind to yourself, and don't try to think through your entire future at this point.

I have an only by choice and it is wonderful. The joys of parenting with much less of the stress. We make a lot of effort to ensure DS sees his friends regularly and he is a very happy and sociable boy.

@toconclude that’s my worry if I have another child, that they may not get on.

@MinnieMountain I feel like one, but I’ve had so many people tell me that it’s not ‘proper’ motherhood because I only have the one. They haven’t really worded it exactly like that, but implied it by saying because I’m not run absolutely ragged and surrounded by children then I’ll never experience it properly, but I feel like I am experiencing it!

@Fruitpunch Yes! The you can’t stop at one comments really upset me!. After my son was born I told everyone that’s it, one and done. And so many people just couldn’t believe it!. I told them I never want to go through labour again and they told me it was worth it for another child, a playmate etc! But I don’t think it is!

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear I’m really glad to hear your son is happy and sociable. I will make a big effort to ensure he has lots of friends and play dates etc.

My teenage DD is an only and although this wasn't through choice, she was an IVF baby, she is a lovely well rounded girl who is very easy going and is great company. Try to focus on the positives of having one child: they have your undivided attention, your finances won't be stretched, childcare arrangements whilst working are cheaper/easier, much easier to organise play dates with same age friends, only children learn to play independently quickly. My DD had lots of play dates throughout primary school so our house was always busy which was lovely. I have also encouraged a good bond with her cousins which I thing is important too.

Enjoy your DS OP.

Thank you @Dobbyismyfavourite, he has lots of cousins/young aunts (my dad remarried so my siblings are closer in age to DS than me) so he will never be short of people to play with.

Thank you all you have made me feel a lot better, he is the perfect baby so I’m going to enjoy him and not wish for another as another could be a nightmare baby compared to him

I have only one child and I am so happy we made that decision. We are able to dedicate all our resources in terms of both time and money to her. We don’t have to balance competing needs among children. This became especially valuable when we realized that dd was not Nt. Since she is an only we can set up our family life in a way that is perfect t for her. And we have the resources to access private services for her when necessary.

OP your baby is 5 months old. Mine are teens and I'm thinking of fitting 1 more in (if I even still can). YABU.

I expect you may feel differently a few years down the line OP

Should say I have one child but later in life

Have you considered that eventually you're likely to meet someone and they may well have children? You wouldn't need to go through pregnancy/birth again if that's something you struggle with and your child would have step-siblings in a blended family. Who knows what's going to happen in the future but I wouldn't worry for now. You can also adopt as a single parent.

There are so many people whose dream is having one child.

As a single mother, nobody will expect you to have another unless you get hitched again further along the line.

Your child will not be the only 'only' at school, there are always a few. Just make sure they have a relaxed lifestyle and their friends are welcome.

I only had one but before having him I always thought I'd have two. After a while it didn't bother me at all and has never worried him, he knows no different anyway.

Gosh, I’ve one child if someone said to me I’d not experienced mother hood properly snd I wasn’t a real mum, I’d be appalled. As would my daughter.

I’m sure you don’t look at women with one child and actually think these things do you? Who the hell would even say such a thing to you?

Do you possibly have a touch of pnd? Your baby is so new, to be thinking like this is concerning.

I only have one for similar reasons. Although now remarried, we decided not to have any of our own because the world, quite frankly, is not a great place to bring a new life into. We also like the idea of not having to worry about the financial or energy resources we would need for another.

My only DC is now 14 and is generally happy and well rounded. He is sometimes a bit bored but we make time for him, do activities together and encourage him to meet up with friends and cousins.

He has our full devotion and I can support him now through a very crucial stage of his life without being distracted by other kids.