To feel upset at only having 1 child?

[Woodlandwalk22]

Hi, this is my first post but have lurked for a while. I’m a mum of 1, he’s 5 months old and I’ve just become a single parent. I had intended on maybe trying for a 2nd with exp in a year or so but now I’m single I just can’t be bothered to find someone new, get to know them, introduce him into our life etc. I also had a very traumatic birth/recovery and I’m petrified of doing that again. So it makes sense for me to stop at just 1, I feel happy with just my son I don’t feel that I necessarily NEED another child. But when I see families with 2 or more kids I get a bit upset that I may not have that, that my son might not have any siblings and I know it sounds silly but I don’t feel like a ‘real’ mum. I’ve seen posts on here saying parents of only’s have it easy, and I feel like I haven’t experienced motherhood properly only having 1 child!. Do any of you have only 1 child? Does it get better? Are there positivities to having an only?
Also, sorry if this post seems a bit all over the place, I’m very sleep deprived!

@Woodlandwalk22 I’m an only child and I love it, I wouldn’t have it any other way. My DP has lots of brothers and sisters so I get my sibling ness (know that’s not a word) from them but I also get all the wonderful things that come with having my parents to myself. (I’m an adult and I realise that’s a very basic bitch statement but that is how I feel 😂).
I’ve got fertility issues so once the one I’m carrying is born, we will be stopping. I don’t have any guilt about it either; just because a child has siblings, doesn’t mean they’ll get on or have the idyllic relationship.

@NetflixWatcher and @Queenest the issue is, I don’t want another one logically. It wouldn’t work financially, physically and I’m not sure I could mentally cope with another child. I’m very happy with my son. But biologically it’s like a yearning to have a huge family.

@MootingMirror I don’t think I’d be with someone if they had children. I know I’d be a rubbish step-mum, so I’d rule it out. I’m not saying people with children are undesirable, there are many people who’d like that. It’s just not for me, and I’d rather rule it out completely then get in a relationship with someone and affect a child’s life.

@jessstan1 thank you, you’re right. I think because we’re in our own little bubble now I feel like he’s the only only child in the world, which I know is silly.

@Bluntness100 Of course I don’t, but I’ve met a few snotty people who think that they’re better at motherhood because they have zero time to sit down and are knackered constantly. It’s like a competition of who’s more tired. I don’t think I have PND, no. I’m completely fine other than this, and even then it isn’t consuming me. It’s just if I see someone announce they’re pregnant with their 2nd, 3rd, 4th etc I get a bit sad that I may not be doing that. I’ve also been through a big breakup and we’re in the middle of a pandemic so every emotion is a bit more extreme than it would be if I was with a partner and the world was normal and I could be with my family and friends

@NovemberRain2 thank you for your perspective. I feel the same about bringing another child into the world, I feel like I can devote everything to DS. I struggled with MH issues as a teen and as I was my mums only child she was able to give me full attention and managed to get everything under control, but if she had other children I don’t think she’d have had the time to do that.

@Bobblehatwobble I’m my mums only child, and I do love the relationship me and mum have. I had cousins growing up, and then eventually my little sisters so I never really felt lonely. It’s nice to hear you feel the same.

I think my problem is other people. I’m pretty comfortable in my decision to stop at 1, but I get the odd comment from others, as a PP said, an only is lonely etc and it makes me feel a bit shit really.

Plenty of people have one child sometimes through choice you may have another one who knows
My sil had another child 17 years after her younger two with a new partner , she never planned to have any more when she split with her dh as kids were teenagers but she met someone else and did
Equally my friends have an only child through choice and they are happy with that decision still 16 years later
Just enjoy your little one

You’ll probably still get that for a while OP. But bollocks to them.

I’ve got one, wasn’t my choice to stop there but such is life. It felt weird when everyone else was having babies, but from school age it has been fine.

While I’d love him to have had a sibling, it is just so much easier to have one. You end up watching others trying to juggle clubs and friendships for their kids. It looks very tiring!

I have one child and I am DEFINITELY a mum. Yes I think there is an element of martyrdom olympics going on, as you've identified - you're not a 'real' mum unless you are an exhausted husk, it seems. But tbh what is wrong with having time for self-care and to pursue your ambitions and interests? I think that being a good parent to the child/ren you have is far more valuable than having as many as you can physically handle.

I don't know if we'll have another tbh. Mine is 20 months and I'm really enjoying the freedom I'm starting to get back. I love her to bits and in theory I'd like to have another child and experience that newborn stage again, but to be honest since she turned one I've enjoyed everything so much more. And I query whether I wouldn't prefer to keep hold of a bit of disposable income, get back to my career (which I also find really fulfilling).

In your case it really is too early to tell. I know at 5 months pp I'd have been gutted to think that I wasn't going to have any more, but I am now a lot more open to that possibility. If we do try again and it doesn't happen, I think I'd be at peace with having an only.

I had that sadness when someone announced a pregnancy or birth until DS started school at which point a switch in my brain flicked from baby/preschooler stage to school stage and the next time a friend announced a birth I just thought 'lovely but I am so glad that is not me' and snuggled down for a nice, quiet uninterrupted evening followed by a night of decent sleep!

I’m sorry things are so hard for you OP. I had a baby last year - it is SO hard, especially after a tough delivery.

I’d say try not to worry about all this yet- you may meet a lovely partner in 2-6 years and yet have more children.

If you don’t though, there are loads of great things about just having one, and only children are far more common these days.

Hope you get some sleep soon. I promise - sleep does return and it does all get easier.

I have one child. But I count that as a blessing as I never thought I could have children.

Thank you everyone, you’re all really kind.

@MinnieMountain I think I need to get that mentality!. If I can think ‘bollocks to them’ it won’t upset me anymore.

@Makegoodchoices that’s the think, 2+ children seems so much hard work I feel like I won’t be able to cope with it!

@ladycarlotta I’m glad you see what I mean with the martyrdom! I think that’s my main issue. It sort of feels like to be a ‘real’ mother you need to be absolutely exhausted, otherwise someone else is doing it better to you. I’m glad you feel happy with just your DD, and like you say, the freedom sounds great. I love DS but I am excited to have freedom again, I don’t know if I’d be able to do the 9 months where I can’t drink/eat what I like and then the following months where I get barely any sleep and a baby is constantly attached to me again.

@Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear yes, I think when he starts school, which feels like years away, I may feel different. I don’t think I could get one into school and then start all over again tbh.

Thank you @VestaTilley that’s really kind of you, I hope I get some sleep soon too!

@itsgettingcoldoutside I count DS as a blessing too, I’m very lucky to be able to have even 1 child.

Hi @Woodlandwalk22
I am a Mum to one he is 20 now I had him when I was 38 after 11 years of trying. Never really thought about trying for a second and I have no regrets.
For all the reasons pp have listed one is easier. As for anyone saying your not a real Mum if you only have one child how ridiculous is that.
My son was a major handful from age 15 to 19 omg was I a mother or what. Thankfully he has settled down and things are looking up but we had a very hard few years.
Enjoy you lovely baby 5 months is such a cute age. The time goes so quickly my love and in 20 years he will be a grown man that you can be proud of.

The people making comments should F off lol. I get comments too and I just want to ask them if they will be paying? Helping us move to a bigger house? Getting up in the night? No they won’t. My uterus, my decision.
Also.... jesus was an only child lol.

@Thedogscollar it’s lovely to hear your experience, thank you for sharing it.

@Hellothere19999 I live in a small 2 bed terrace and DS is in a small box room, it wouldn’t be big enough for 2 DC and I’m not prepared to move into a box room or buy a new house. So I know what you mean about will they buy a new house for you!

Woodlandwalk22, don't take any notice of what people say; there will be plenty who won't say anything because they have an only. Just enjoy your son.

Be thankful for what you have, some ppl never get the chance to even have one