To ask strangers on the Internet wtf my friend should do?

[AriesTheRam]

Bit of a long one.
My good friend has been married to her dh for 21 years,2 dc ages 15 and 16.
Hes been getting grumpier and nastier as the years have gone by and she's fallen out of love with him completely.
Her mil lives in an annex on their property and my friend solely sees to her needs including meds every few hours,catheter etc.Mil is in a wheelchair and in her 90s.

She wants to separate from her dh but he is refusing to move out under any circumstances.She can't get a job to have her own income as she needs to see to mil every few hours.Dh has bank account in his name,they don't have a joint one so she has to ask him for money.
How can she get out without abandoning her mil? They mortgaged up to eyeballs and he won't sell.

She needs to move out and he can give up work or get a carer for his mother. Is the house in his name only?

What has he suggested about his mum? What would he do if she says she is no longer doing her care from such and such date?

I think the house is in both their names.He won't move out or give up work hes a stubborn one

@SnaggleBeast hes making it impossible for her to do this saying he won't care for her and that he'll tell everyone she thinks his mum is a burden

“ She can't get a job to have her own income as she needs to see to mil every few hours.”

Of course she can, she just stops doing the MIL’s care.

She won't stop her care,she loves her and has committed to her.mil said recently please don't leave ive got years left in me.

I think she needs to get some advice from social services if he is saying that he will leave his mum to die. She needs to start looking for work and just keep him up to date on any start date.

Who are these people he will tell? Why can't she speak to them first to tell them the truth?

She needs to speak to a social worker and explain the situation.

If her arse of a son won’t look after her then she will need to be looked after by carers either at home or in residential care.

Fuck what he tells people. That’s the least of her worries.

Well, if she won't stop doing the care anyway there's nothing to be done is there.

'Her.mil said recently please don't leave I've got years left in me'

That is emotional manipulation. She should not stand for it. She is being treated like a doormat. She needs to leave, divorce and get half of THEIR assets.

Its so upsetting she's putting everyone's needs before her own

She could get the mother put in a care home. Or the kids could look after the MIL out with school hours to let the wife work. They are old enough to help.

Your OP doesn't clarify if she works or not, or whether there are children involved. I'm guessing no job due to caring responsibilities and no kids at home based on the age of the MIL and likely ages of the friend/husband.

Step 1 - get a job outside the home. Inform H of start date and that he is responsible for arranging care from that date, set up sole bank account for personal income. Do not agree to pay towards mortgage / bills / care, save every last penny. Do not give in to emotional blackmail or his failure to act in setting up care - whatever it takes, walk out of the door on that start date; preferably very early before H has a chance to get up and bail out first.

Step 2 - within a couple of months, there will be enough money to see a solicitor and have a deposit for a flat, if moving out is what the solicitor recommends. Follow solicitor's advice to the letter.

What is the H going to do? Physically stop her from leaving the house to work each day? If that's a possibility you need professional advice from Women's Aid or similar.

Can she move into the annex with MIL? So thats shes still available for MIL but not living with H. If so she could claim universal credit as a single person with no housings costs. She would have some money of her own plus ,crucially ,a breathing space to research any other options.

Personally I think the apple didnt fall far from the tree and MIL knows shes onto a good thing since her son wont step up. But thats perhaps a battle for another day.

Oops sorry just seen that there ARE kids at home aged 15 and 16. That'll teach me to read properly!

She needs to leave. She can put in place an interim care plan - a month or two of daily carers that her DH will have to pay for. Then it’s over to the DH.

No one will think she has abandoned her mil. Both the mil and her DH are manipulating her.

She needs to consult a solicitor. If she wants to carry on caring for her MIL and MIL is counted as a dependent she just might have grounds for removing DH from the property, but only a solicitor could advise on this because it's unusual. What she mustn't do is give up and think that she has no power at all to change things. And you can support and encourage her OP. Really difficult one.

Is your friend claiming carers allowance I think it is £65 per week & she should get it paid into her bank account

Is MIL claiming attendance allowance ?

Look for more info on www.gov.uk and Citizens advice and Age UK websites

It sounds like your friend is being taken for granted by her husband and MIL

Oh god this is so sad. I can see why she would feel just terrible leaving her but she has to be selfish. Or MIL can contribute to somewhere for them both if she needs her so badly! He's a complete dick head so she has to leave

What an absolute nasty bastard. To threaten leaving his own mother without care, to stop his abused wife leaving. That's utterly vile.

Is mil in a position to help in any financially so they can both move out?

Your friend needs to decide what she wants, not what the mil or dh want, or the dc for that matter.
If she wants to care for the mil she dan apply for carers allowance.
If she actually is manipulated into it, guilt tripped even, she tells her mil straight. I will carry on to care for you but your snakey, selfish son moves the hell out .

I have a friend who was in this exact same position. When mil died they divorced.

Your ‘friend’ could/should move mil into the main house. Then your ‘friend’ can move into the annex.

Your ‘friend’ can then maintain her relationship with mil, without being responsible for her twat of a STBXH

Divorce dh....er, sorry, friend should divorce her DH.

I don't know the ins and outs of property/divorce etc but if she really wants to go on caring for mil and isn't just being guilted into it, the n she can give mil the option of coming too, with the appropriate financial contribution.

Not sure shit-boy would think that his mum picking your pal, not him, looked so great, would he? He might try to talk his mum round even. But if your friend makes the offer, it rather spikes his guns?

And perhaps point out to your friend that if indeed mil is a nice person deserving of love and care, she would not want a young woman like your friend ruining her life on her (mil's) account. Someone genuinely good-hearted would surely be horrified at the thought?