Who is BU, me or my DH

tempnamechange98765 · 2020-10-28T08:26:28+00:00

This morning my younger DC (20 months) screamed (horrible new habit) at my older DC (4) so my older child screamed back at him. Not great, but he is 4 and was screamed at. DH bollocked him immediately, "I've TOLD you not to scream at him, he doesn't know what he's doing etc etc". Hauls him upstairs. I think this is a huge over reaction and caused massive drama over what should have been a quiet reprimand? AIBU or too soft (I have been told on here in the past that I'm too soft but in RL I am stricter than most!)? Yes it's not ideal that older DC screamed back at a baby/toddler, but DH doesn't seem to get that to older DC, toddler just seemed like another child screaming at him so he retaliated. If older DC had screamed at younger one first, I would've come down a bit harsher.

notforonesecond · 28/10/2020 08:31

Your DH overreacted. But we all do sometimes, especially if people are screaming so early in the morning.

I think sometimes, when he have a second child, we suddenly expect the older one to act like a model kid. 4 is still really little.

Betty94 · 28/10/2020 08:31

Did the younger one be punished for screaming at older one as well or did the older one only get into trouble?

I know he's younger but it seems really unfair that one gets in trouble for doing something while the other doesn't, they're both young children and if the little one notices older one is getting punished and they aren't - they may continue to be naughty.

I do think DH is this case was unreasonable and you should have had a quiet word with older dc and told the younger one to stop it as well.

(That's what I would have tried to do but I only have a baby so I don't know how well younger kids take to being told off)

MakeItRain · 28/10/2020 08:32

So it's not ok for your older DS to scream at the younger one, but it is ok for your DH to tell at him and "haul him upstairs". I can't stand that sort of I'll thought out, hypocritical and aggressive discipline. I'm with you on this one. What your DH did just reaffirms that's it IS acceptable to yell at each other.

MakeItRain · 28/10/2020 08:32

To "yell at him" that should say.

Mylittlepony374 · 28/10/2020 08:35

YANBU. I have similar age kids. I would firmly tell them both to stop screaming at each other and distract them. Your DH overreacted in my opinion.

NetflixWatcher · 28/10/2020 08:36

YANBU OP. I've struggled with similar but it's been my son who is a few years older than my nephew, and i would tell him off when my nephew had started it. But because my son was older I felt he should know better. When in reality he was just a little boy himself. Feel really bad about it now. Youtlr husband is being unfair. My son came to resent my nephew as he would see it as he always got him in trouble.

MakingShapes · 28/10/2020 08:38

I don't necessarily agree with the "bollocking" but clearly your method isn't working. Your child has been told multiple times not to do this and is still doing it - at some stage it does need to be escalated. It's not really possible to know from your post whether DH was unreasonable here - "hauling" a child to a naughty step or a calm down area after they've repeatedly done something they've been told not to do is a completely reasonable parenting technique. Both of your children need to be told not to scream - the fact it doesn't appear to have crossed either of your minds to stop your youngest from screaming in your eldest's face indicates to me that perhaps you're being too soft in general?

Original poster

tempnamechange98765 · 28/10/2020 08:39

Thanks everyone.

For those who agree that he overreacted, how would you have broached it with him? I tell him there and then once DS is out of earshot but he says I'm undermining him. Don't see how I'm undermining him when DS is out of earshot.

In terms of punishing the younger one, how do you punish a 20 month old?! He is a loose cannon and I have to admit seems much younger than older DC seemed at that age, he would never sit on a time out for example! We say DS2 don't scream, or if he smacks older DC or us (often) we'll say no, no smacking, gentle hands, show him gentle hands etc. Remove him. Otherwise I don't know what I could do to punish him, I'm hoping he'll just learn with age not to scream/hit!

OP posts:

Freddiefox · 28/10/2020 08:40

We can’t all be amazing parents all the time. Sometimes we get it wrong

Freddiefox · 28/10/2020 08:42

I would feel undermined if I was your dh too, it’s not like what you are doing is working. Maybe you both need a more collaborative approach and decide on a plan for dc2

Original poster

tempnamechange98765 · 28/10/2020 08:43

Just to be clear by the way I am so beyond perfect and have my parenting regret moments regularly. A few days ago older DC wasn't sharing, I told him to stop snatching and he got angry and poked me with his toy sword. I got SO angry and snatched the sword off him and sent him to his room. I did apologise after for snatching (as pp said all I'm doing is teaching him to snatch when he's angry) and explained I did it because the sword was hurting me and I cannot let him hurt me.

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PlanDeRaccordement · 28/10/2020 08:44

What do you men by “hauls him upstairs”? Because I agree that the older child should be told off and removed from the room for a quiet chat elsewhere about babies and not screaming at them.

Of course not roughly or in anyway that harms the older DC. So I can’t say he over reacted or not because your language choice seems to imply that your DH was rough/abusive to older DC. Was he? Or not?

MakingShapes · 28/10/2020 08:45

@tempnamechange98765

Thanks everyone.

For those who agree that he overreacted, how would you have broached it with him? I tell him there and then once DS is out of earshot but he says I'm undermining him. Don't see how I'm undermining him when DS is out of earshot.

In terms of punishing the younger one, how do you punish a 20 month old?! He is a loose cannon and I have to admit seems much younger than older DC seemed at that age, he would never sit on a time out for example! We say DS2 don't scream, or if he smacks older DC or us (often) we'll say no, no smacking, gentle hands, show him gentle hands etc. Remove him. Otherwise I don't know what I could do to punish him, I'm hoping he'll just learn with age not to scream/hit!

This sounds like you simply don't like to discipline your children at all to be honest. No wonder they're both screaming. It must be tough for DC1 to be screamed at and hit by DC2 and for you not to do anything to protect them.

MaMaD1990 · 28/10/2020 08:52

You can't really punish a 20 month old but you can put them in a time out and put the effort in to make them stay there (assuming this is your punishment of choice of course). It takes consistency and a looooong time for them to learn what to do, including staying on the naughty step. Both kids by the sound of it need a time out when they do stuff like this. I'm inclined to agree with your DH that he stepped in (not necessarily the hauling bit mind!) but younger DS also needs to have boundaries set. Kids will be kids at the end of the day. You and your DH aren't shitty parents its just part and parcel of having kids unfortunately. If it makes you feel better, I lose my shit with my daughter over stupid stuff too, no-one is perfect! Make sure you and DH get on the same wavelength re disciplining and I guarantee your united front will be much more effective.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 28/10/2020 08:53

He won't learn with age not to scream or hit if you don't give consequences now!I
Remove from situation, tell him no firmly then ignore him so he isn't getting attention until his behaviour stops. Also then give attention to the child who is not hurting.
Sounds like your husband just had a moment of the loose cannon but took it out on the older child, not ideal but we don't get it right all the time do we.

nicky7654 · 28/10/2020 08:54

Your 20 month old is not too young to tell off! Trouble brewing for future if you don't treat them both equally.

Dishwashersaurous · 28/10/2020 08:55

Actually he was reinforcing the importance of the don’t scream message and giving the child time to calm down.

So potentially a good thing to be doing

Dishwashersaurous · 28/10/2020 08:56

And the youngest also needs consequences for screaming. Remove from situation etc

SaltandPepperIt · 28/10/2020 08:59

What did you and dh do when dc2 screamed, before dc1 did it back?

Elizaaa · 28/10/2020 08:59

Hauling upstairs implies your DH carried dc1 upstairs by the arm or something. If we are to say whether he was unreasonable or not, we need more clarification if what he actually did.

Original poster

tempnamechange98765 · 28/10/2020 09:04

No he didn't carry him by the arm but he grabbed him by the arm to remove him then carried him from behind IYSWIM.

Yes we are working on our united front it's partly my fault because I'm very controlling and bossy, and partly DH's fault as he's lazy and would never research parenting techniques/ask for advice himself. Although he's recently agreed to start listening to Janet Lansbury podcasts (but I don't think her techniques would go down well on MN as they're very much gentle parenting).

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MakingShapes · 28/10/2020 09:06

@tempnamechange98765

No he didn't carry him by the arm but he grabbed him by the arm to remove him then carried him from behind IYSWIM.

Yes we are working on our united front it's partly my fault because I'm very controlling and bossy, and partly DH's fault as he's lazy and would never research parenting techniques/ask for advice himself. Although he's recently agreed to start listening to Janet Lansbury podcasts (but I don't think her techniques would go down well on MN as they're very much gentle parenting).

I don't think it matters whether it's going down well on MN - clearly it's not going down well in your home if your children are regularly hitting and screaming.

Original poster

tempnamechange98765 · 28/10/2020 09:06

I was in the other room - older DC had just run into the play room to grab a toy, and he was screamed at by DC2 (it's not even an angry scream necessarily as when they're playing happily together in dens etc they basically just screech at each other. We don't step in because they're happy! They are loud kids.) So he instantly screamed back, clearly an impulse.

DH was in the play room so he's the one who addressed it.

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Dishwashersaurous · 28/10/2020 09:14

If your children are regularly fighting then clearly the current situation isn’t working.

This is not about parenting podcasts but common sense

MakeItRain · 28/10/2020 09:18

Of course we all have bad parenting moments. But it doesn't sound like your DH thinks his was a bad moment if he's accusing you of undermining him. It gives the impression he would do it again and expect support from you.

You do need to talk it through and agree a strategy. I would remove the young screamer every single time and give attention to/ reassure the older one that although it's not ok to scream back, you do understand his frustration. But I know that's easy for me to say now that my children are no longer at the tantrumming and fighting stage.

My exh's discipline was very aggressive and I got the "you're not supporting me" rubbish as well. I ended up divorcing him. His relationship with our DC is better now they're much older, but he just couldn't understand them or deal with their behaviour when they were little. I think he felt out of control and his way of feeling in control was to throw his weight around and shout. I'm glad we all got out of it. (Btw I'm not advocating you divorce your dh on the basis of this one situation!)