Who is BU, me or my DH

[tempnamechange98765]

This morning my younger DC (20 months) screamed (horrible new habit) at my older DC (4) so my older child screamed back at him.

Not great, but he is 4 and was screamed at.

DH bollocked him immediately, "I've TOLD you not to scream at him, he doesn't know what he's doing etc etc". Hauls him upstairs.

I think this is a huge over reaction and caused massive drama over what should have been a quiet reprimand? AIBU or too soft (I have been told on here in the past that I'm too soft but in RL I am stricter than most!)? Yes it's not ideal that older DC screamed back at a baby/toddler, but DH doesn't seem to get that to older DC, toddler just seemed like another child screaming at him so he retaliated.

If older DC had screamed at younger one first, I would've come down a bit harsher.

You're over reacting by running to MN where because he's a man he will Most likely be called a semi abusive aggressor and because you used the term "hauling". Of course no parent has ever grabbed their child mid tantrum and manhandled them some way 🤷‍♀️.

MN is not a paragon for perfect parenting. You are undermining your DH by doing this - but you've already said you're controlling so I doubt he can do any right anyway? Imagine how you would feel if DH pulled you up on your parenting?

Your DH told the older child he should understand that your younger cannot understand what he is doing, whilst at the same time himself failing to understand that a 4 year old would find it hard to control his response to being screamed at.

You need to have a chat together about all this, at a time when the children are out of earshot. Frankly he is going to have to deal with far worse than this as the years go by and you both need to be at one over how you deal with things.

TBH the incident you describe is hardly worth a mention. It is just children being children, and if he cannot cope with that you are both in for a rocky road ahead.

@ivfbeenbusy

You're over reacting by running to MN where because he's a man he will Most likely be called a semi abusive aggressor and because you used the term "hauling". Of course no parent has ever grabbed their child mid tantrum and manhandled them some way 🤷‍♀️.

MN is not a paragon for perfect parenting. You are undermining your DH by doing this - but you've already said you're controlling so I doubt he can do any right anyway? Imagine how you would feel if DH pulled you up on your parenting?

I completely agree with this. Everyone responding that DH is yelling and hurting the child when OP never said that and has refused to clarified when explicitly asked. Telling a child off and removing them is not abuse. OP has used the words "hauling" and "bollocking" but they don't actually describe his behaviour - they're just dramatising what happened instead of telling us what he actually did. OP has admitted that she doesn't want to discipline her youngest child at all and that her eldest gets aggressively told off by her when she's angry and then apologised to when she's calmed down - but if the child hurts anyone other than OP then they should be cuddled and asked quietly not to do it again (which they obviously do). When the youngest hurts the eldest, no punishment at all and yet the eldest is supposed to know not to hurt the youngest?! So, OP won't do anything about their behaviour unless it's harming her directly and DH isn't allowed to do anything about it because OP is (by her own admission) bossy and controlling. It's baffling to be completely honest.

Maybe he was frustrated by this continuing , and your placid behaviour. My husband is like you, doesn’t like to tell the kids off, we have a very spirited nearly 2yr old and he tries to talk to her like she’s 7, explaining why it wrong etc, she doesn’t understand any of it! At that age all they understand is a firm NO! We don’t hit! And then remove him from the situation, just nicely put him on the sofa or somewhere.

Its the morning . I've probably over reacted to my kids shenanigans 4 or 5 times just before going to school 🤷‍♀️
They'll live, I'll live. Very few people are perfect parents all the time.

Mischance I have to admit this is exactly how I feel. I pick my battles, and I have supported DH on things he's felt strongly about eg sitting properly at the table. But kids do fight, and my two are at a very awkward point where the younger one is still mainly baby but the older one sees him as a potential play mate, so they're developmentally SO different.

My sister and I used to fight and I remember my mum just saying don't tell tales so maybe my threshold for sibling squabbling is lower than some.

Someone said I haven't clarified what happened, I have upthread. He grabbed him by the arm and carried him upstairs from behind, almost under one arm. He shouted along the lines of "cut that out" and said as mentioned in the OP, "you know he's just a baby he doesn't know what he's doing etc".

I have to say that if I had two children who generally spent time screaming and shouting at each other I'd be on a short fuse too! They both need to be told that screaming isn't good.

I think your DH is expecting your 4 year old to have the understanding and self control of an older child. That isn't fair. I think it is wrong to manhandle small children. It is too easy to hurt them accidentally.
I also think that your older child will end up resenting the younger one if this kind of punishing continues.
Screaming is a phase and IMO it would be better to deal with it calmly.

Overreaction. My kids are 2 and 4. We have had the same thing happen. I tell my 4yo that it isn't okay, and that just because he doesn't doesn't mean she can. That's The jist of it. Nothing harsher than a conversation.