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AIBU?

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Original poster

The subtle ways that domestic abuse continues

43 replies

plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 20:37

I haven't seen my ex for nearly 2 years. We are going through the family courts and he hasn't seen our son since he was 3 months old. He's been stopped by the court from seeing him until he completes a domestic abuse perpetrator programme. I have a non molestation order against him. In the last month, he has taken a video from my social media and reported it to social services of me and my son near a fireworks display saying it was unsafe (social services said it looked absolutely fine and the guy even said "I hope you had a lovely time. This is obviously a malicious report"). My social media is pretty locked down and he's not on there so he's obviously had someone spying on me. I've deleted all social media now as I'm so paranoid. The courts are also helping me to change my sons surname to double barrel it which I am so happy about. In his birthday card this year that he wrote to my son (he's allowed) he wrote my son's name and his currebt surname in capital letters. He never does this and it's clearly him making a point. Will this ever end? I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the next thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 20:48

I feel like the courts just see these things as trivial but after an abusive relationship, they're extremely triggering. I feel like he's always going to be there.

OP posts:
Gilead · 27/10/2020 20:53

It’s hard and I have no idea if it will improve for you. What you do need to do is find out who the hell is reporting back. You can then get awarded a non mol order on them too.
At the moment your son is small so cards etc make no odds, when he’s older, he’ll get it. Mine knew exactly when they’re being played. They’re adults now, not one of them speaks to him.

PicsInRed · 27/10/2020 20:54

Bide your time.

Post separation coercive control is set to become illegal when the Domestic Abuse Bill passes - it's currently already before the Lords.

Bide your time. Join us in the "biding area", there's cake. Cake Flowers

Original poster
plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 21:09

Thanks both. He refused to tell SS who it was that showed him the video so doubt I will ever find out. It's only these two things that have happened (bar his mum telling me he told the whole of his family that I'm a liar and have made up lies in the fact finding - I absolutely haven't). This all gets fed back to me. I hate it. He abused me and my son. It was awful. I feel like he's still abusing me.

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CSIblonde · 27/10/2020 21:19

How horrible for you. I'd be careful not to show him any reaction yourself ,only via legal means if it's malicious,untrue or coercive. He's obviously getting off on it & any reaction will probably fuel his abusive tendencies.

Flutter12 · 27/10/2020 21:58

It's an awful situation! As a PP said you need to try and not give any reaction to his behaviour as then he has won and may make him even worse.

Just keep telling yourself you are better than him and his petty stunts aren't going to ruin your life anymore.

When your son is older he will be able to work out for himself what type of person his dad is so although he is always going to be there you know that he will eventually pay the price when your son realises everything that went on and doesn't want to know him.

longwayoff · 27/10/2020 22:39

Dreadful. All sympathy to you. I hope things improve for you. In other news today, a policeman who killed the other woman he'd been sleeping with for ten years was found not guilty of her murder and another man, child rapist, had his sentence reduced. Be very careful in dealing with both this man and the legal system. Womens lives are near-worthless. Please find some support to help you through this.

Original poster
plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 22:43

@longwayoff awful. I'm all too aware of the dreadful state of our legal system, as well as our family courts.

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Augustbreeze · 27/10/2020 22:47

No wonder you feel like he's still abusing you, he is!

Have you been able to do the Freedom Programme yet?

He's pathetic and it sounds like professionals can see through him.

Work on building up your own self worth, do stuff for you and your DS. Best wishes.

SandyY2K · 27/10/2020 22:48

He's been stopped by the court from seeing him until he completes a domestic abuse perpetrator programme.

This says it all.

I wonder whether mums of abusers really believe they are innocent or they know the truth...because it smacks of condoning the abuse and with that kind of attitude...it's no surprise it never stops.

I hope you find peace and he stays away.

Original poster
plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 22:52

@sandyy2k his mum is so insightful and can't stand his behaviour. Hence why she's helping me and has told me where he's at regarding his feelings. She does it in a very thoughtful way. Hard to explain.

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Original poster
plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 22:55

Would you all definitely perceive the things I've just mentioned to be a continuation of his abuse? Will I look daft in court trying to explain to them that he's still being abusive due to having reported a video and writing sons surname in capitals? Also taking in to account the fact that he will have concocted some sort of reason for doing it.

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Mytimetokillandmaim · 27/10/2020 22:57

Could his mum be the one passing information back to him?

Pebbledashery · 27/10/2020 22:58

Following this thread op because I'm in an exact similar position with my ex as you. Non molestation order and everything. We have our first hearing in a week. He's maliciously reported me to SS also. Court system is another way to abuse victims for daring to leave. Did you apply for the name change also? Will your ex take ownership of what he's done as if he fails the assessment for the dvpp they won't let him on.. I just want you to know you're not alone. I'm about to be in the exact same boat as you xx

Mytimetokillandmaim · 27/10/2020 23:00

I'm not sure if its seen as abuse by law..a pp said its waiting to be passed. So Hopefully!
It's sounds awful for you.I'm sorry you're in this situation op.

Pebbledashery · 27/10/2020 23:01

Fwiw my exes mum hates him.. I mean actually hates him. She told me if he came to the front door with blood pouring out from his heart she'd shut the door in his face. His mother. I think it's a common expectation that abusers mothers thinks the sun shines out of their behinds. I'm dumbfounded that our exes mothers don't condone their behaviour and speak up.

PicsInRed · 27/10/2020 23:03

Be very wary of his mother. She may well be on your side...but so often they are not, and it emerges that the apples falls very close to the tree.

I find it highly concerning that she is talking to you about his feelings and I feel it's likely you are being manipulated by both of them. Don't trust her with personal, sensitive or potentially damaging personal information which could later be turned against you.

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/10/2020 23:03

I sympathise OP. It took me years to get away from my abuser. Me and DS had to basically disappear.

Please just try to ignore him. I know it’s easier to say than it is to do but it’s the only thing you can do. He’s only doing it because he thinks there’s some benefit to him. If there’s no benefit to him then hopefully he’ll give up.

user1473878824 · 27/10/2020 23:05

Oh @plessuregirle I am so sorry. This must just be so wearing. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. What a vindictive, horrible man.

user1473878824 · 27/10/2020 23:07

@plessuregirle

Would you all definitely perceive the things I've just mentioned to be a continuation of his abuse? Will I look daft in court trying to explain to them that he's still being abusive due to having reported a video and writing sons surname in capitals? Also taking in to account the fact that he will have concocted some sort of reason for doing it.
It’s vindictive bullying. Nothing about any of this looks daft. It’s very clearly nasty.
Original poster
plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 23:08

Definitely not his mum. She's not on social media. Never has been.

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NeverTwerkNaked · 27/10/2020 23:08

It is grim. I am so sorry. I don't feel I have properly escaped at all, although rationally I know it is far "less bad" than actually living with him.

Take a look at the "court confidence'" course. I found it incredibly helpful and clarifying (and I say that as a solicitor with a barrister father!).

www.courtconfidence.com/

Original poster
plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 23:10

I don't tell his mum anything to do with court. She tells me bits and pieces via text and I just respond with 'thanks for the update'. We have a fairly boring relationship most of the time. Mainly so she can see her grandson.

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NeverTwerkNaked · 27/10/2020 23:11

@user1473878824 I don't think you can say that with any certainty. You are correct of course that it is disgusting vindictive bullying but the court system is unpredictable at best and outright misogynistic at worst.

Keep a record of it all though Op. And stay strong. Keep doing the right thing for your DC. At least you have escaped and you have a non mol. Two big steps already.

Original poster
plessuregirle · 27/10/2020 23:12

I've reported it all to the police, which sounds very dramatic but I was advised that the courts will take it far more seriously if they see it on a police report as opposed to via word of mouth.

OP posts:
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