The Covid Friend Pruning *slight title tweak by MNHQ*

[Lalaloveyou2020]

Did anyone else emerge from lockdown and realise that they actually preferred not having to spend time with certain friends? I have a friend group that has been on the go since school (long time ago!). After lockdown we met up and the group dynamics just seemed so obviously dysfunctional after such a long time apart. I have since distanced myself from friend who always offers insults disguised as jokes and another friend who expects priority treatment but then drops you when it suits her. It's been liberating. I don't know if it's just that I got so comfortable with my own company that i can't tolerate people like I used to. Or if such a lengthy enforced separation highlighted the issues that are normally glossed over with familiarity. Just wondering if anyone else has found the same?

And you clearly aren't interested in seeing things from any other way than how you already see them, given your selectiveness in quoting me and the repetitive nature of your points.

If you read my pps properly you'd have seen me say I do consider myself guilty of having 'bitchiness in my chromosomes' as you put it and that I do my best to suppress it. I also feel you have displayed it in your responses. There's no hypocrisy going on here.

You don’t have bitchiness in your chromosomes. Neither do I. Nobody does.

What you have is internalised misogyny.

What you have is internalised misogyny.

Untrue. You don't know me. But feel free to think that if it fits your worldview.

@feistyoneyouare

What you have is internalised misogyny.

Untrue. You don't know me. But feel free to think that if it fits your worldview.

You think women have bitchiness in their chromosomes. Biologically bitchy. There’s your answer to why you get on better with men - because you’re a misogynist.

You think women have bitchiness in their chromosomes. Biologically bitchy. There’s your answer to why you get on better with men - because you’re a misogynist.

Don't tell me what I am.

@feistyoneyouare

You think women have bitchiness in their chromosomes. Biologically bitchy. There’s your answer to why you get on better with men - because you’re a misogynist.

Don't tell me what I am.

The truth hurts.

The truth hurts.

Nope. Unfounded and untrue accusations, from a complete stranger who clearly just wants to argue for argument's sake, are amusing rather than hurtful.

You have a nice day now.

@feistyoneyouare

The truth hurts.

Nope. Unfounded and untrue accusations, from a complete stranger who clearly just wants to argue for argument's sake, are amusing rather than hurtful.

You have a nice day now.

You’ve literally typed out that you think women have bitchiness in their DNA. That you don’t think that makes you a misogynist makes me believe you don’t know what misogyny means.

You also typed it out in response to the idea that you’re not the common factor in why women dislike you and men love you. You are, and this is why.

This thread makes me sad. I appear to have been ‘culled’ by most of my friends over the last few months. Hopefully not because they thought bad of me but because I simply aren’t as important to them as they were to me. So when people are naturally seeing & getting in touch with people less I’m just not on their radar. It’s a very lonely place to be & is hard to know how on earth to make new friends after all this is over.

Obviously no one should feel the need to stay in touch with people who have a negative impact on their lives but maybe just reach out & say hi to those who you’d normally have been happy to have a cup of tea with before all this & check they’re ok

Yes, I do think it's in the chromosomes. I do think more women are inherently bitchy than men and I acknowledge I have that trait too, although I do my best to suppress it.

What the actual fuck have I just read?

I don't think more highly of men per se, but I do think more highly of their ability to maintain non-judgemental friendships. I think they are generally better at this than women. And yes, I do have different conversations with men than women. I like conversations to revolve around opinions, current affairs, anecdotes, funny stories and the like, and generally have found men better at these types of conversations. With female friends it all too often segues into hasn't so-and-so put on weight and 'can you believe she said this to me' types of conversation which I have no interest in. Maybe I've just had too many bad female friends in the past, but this has been my general experience.

If you're not deliberately on the wind up, then unfortunately I can see why a large swathe of women give you a wide berth. The internalised misogyny is palpable, and you are fooling yourself if you think other women won't notice after a few brief interactions with you.

The thing I've actually found weirdest is that a group of university friends have got way closer through covid - going from seeing each other 3-4 times a year (partly because of distance - the ones that live near each other might see each other 1:1 more frequently) to doing at least once weekly zoom calls, doing bake-off bakes together etc. It's bizarre to me, we left uni ages ago, we just weren't that close...

To me it's really shown which friends are true friends and keep in touch, which ones you rush to see once you are allowed, and which ones you could ignore for six months and not really miss.

I’ve moved away from one friend because her Facebook posts were so annoying. She kept posting conversations she was having with one of her DDs which were not funny, she posted a virtuous message about how she hadn’t broken lockdown at all except for one time (because she’s in a lucky situation where she didn’t need too) and she kept sharing nursing posts which made it look like she still practices yet she’s hasn’t for 16 years! Her facebook persona is different to how she is in real life but as we weren’t meeting up I’ve lost sight of why we are actually friends.

indire I am sure it isn't personal, are you making a big effort to stay in touch and make suggestions? I have sent my friends flowers, cards, photos and kept in touch with texts etc during the lockdown. I remembered birthdays, did drive bys and food shopping deliveries when they were isolating. Once we were altogether again it was easy to pick up.

I have some friends that seem to think it is everyone else's job to stay in touch and organise things though, I have to say they were the first to go during the pandemic!! I am not anyone's PA anymore, and don't have time for people like this anymore - too draining, one sided and hard work.
If you have been trying to see friends and actively staying in touch, and they are not responding then it might be because they are struggling and don't wish to be a drain on you. Some friends go under ground.

Just as an idea you could do something at yours - line up the date with one other friend then invite others. That is what a friend of mine did when she dropped of the radar, we all caught up and it was like nothing had ever changed. I am sure when things get better you will all meet again. The pandemic is putting people, even the most chilled and relaxed under a great deal of strain.

Like @InDireStraits this thread has made me feel a bit sad, as it's pretty clear now that I've been pruned.

I had what I thought was a solid group of friends (although I don't live that close anymore) but it's become obvious that if I don't initiate contact, then it just doesn't happen. It's sad to realise they're just not that bothered about how I'm doing. I don't know what'll happen in the future, if I'll just fade away completely - don't want to be the person that can't take a hint and keeps messaging long after I'm wanted.

81 are you they meeting without you? If they are not, the chances are they are not doing anything and are waiting until things have improved. If you have moved it also might be out of sight out of mind. If they are used to dropping in for tea and now can't.

I think it’s important to keep in mind that people have a lot on their plate at the moment, as well as it being much more difficult to socialise. I haven’t seen one of my friends for a few months, and we haven’t really text much, but I know they’ve got a lot on (as I do) with kids and working from home and juggling new schedules and all the rest of it. That’s not to say we’re not friends anymore, we just can’t prioritise that friendship as much as we used to.

@Friendsoftheearth they do, but that doesn't bother me much - I'm an hour away, without much help with childcare so it's always a bit more effort for me, can't just pop round or go for a walk or anything. Hopefully you're right and it's just out of sight out of mind, and I'm not unknowingly a toxic or negative person and been actively cut out.

81 ‘don't want to be the person that can't take a hint and keeps messaging long after I'm wanted’

That’s exactly how I feel... I’ve realised there’s only so many times I can be the one to initiate contact, text to see how people are or suggest meet ups (recently always declined due to other plans) before it becomes embarrassing to not have it reciprocated. It’s hard.

Interesting that this is happening with so many people.

two friends have gone weird. One used to tell me all her job woes (I realise she has hated her last 5 jobs). When I said I was struggling with lockdown, she said ' I can't be listening to this' and hung up. We used to speak every few days- now been over2 months. I felt so hurt that she could not listen to me once.

Friend 2 has marriage problems. I have been her sounding board for 8 years. I said I felt very cut off during Covid (Not allowed to leave the country and I miss family and friends in UK, so feel kind of trapped- seems to be pretty common). She said if you feel like that you should leave this country.

So two people I regarded as good friends gone. I know people are reacting weirdly to Covid and I think friend 2 thought I wanted to abandon her, but bloody hell.

I am no longer going to be an unpaid counsellor.

I don't think people have the emotional resources to be a good friend at the moment, depleted by seven months of worry, anxiety and stress there is just simply nothing left to give.

I will be cutting all of my friends plenty of slack, and assume the friendships that are quiet for now, will pick up on the other side of this. Some people are having massive battles with their own MH - even people you think will be the very last people to suffer from MH issues.It becomes a battle to get through the day in some cases, even without MH problems, with dc and worry and work. I am not going to judge anyone, and we will be here hopefully when it is all over when we emerge in the spring.

Personally I don't view groups of friends as friends if that makes sense! Within a group generally I have one or two maximum friends and then the others who I enjoy being around, fit with the theme of the group but really don't mind either way if they are there or not. So old uni friends there are about 10 or so of us, who did the same course, went out for nights out and did the same course. But two of those are friends.

Doesn't seem to be the same classification as others on the thread. I've not reduced my friends since March but I have detached myself from groups. So school mums a couple of friends I chat to over the week. But at pick up I no longer bother to stand with the herd. And I've realised I've been doing that everywhere, I seem to be more focused on those I truly enjoy than groups I guess is the best exclamation.

I guess I've unconsciously reduced those I talk to on a daily weekly basis

The thing I've realised is the one time I've really, really struggled, it's still been expected that I'll support others, with very little back. I get others are struggling at the moment but suddenly it's shone a light on it always being this way round, I'm always the supportive one. It's been more important that I focus just on myself and my family lately, and I think I may stick at that for some time after all this is over.