The Covid Friend Pruning *slight title tweak by MNHQ*

[Lalaloveyou2020]

Did anyone else emerge from lockdown and realise that they actually preferred not having to spend time with certain friends? I have a friend group that has been on the go since school (long time ago!). After lockdown we met up and the group dynamics just seemed so obviously dysfunctional after such a long time apart. I have since distanced myself from friend who always offers insults disguised as jokes and another friend who expects priority treatment but then drops you when it suits her. It's been liberating. I don't know if it's just that I got so comfortable with my own company that i can't tolerate people like I used to. Or if such a lengthy enforced separation highlighted the issues that are normally glossed over with familiarity. Just wondering if anyone else has found the same?

Nice bit of casual sexism on this thread. I have plenty of female friends, none of whom bitch at me.

I've definitely found there are some friends I'd sooner catch up with than others when we're allowed out and about again. Some I've found have been too much of a negative drain and I just don't want to see, despite knowing them decades.

I can't say I've found this myself, not really, though I've maybe enjoyed not having to stress about meeting up with people and who arranges what, ie. not upsetting people you aren't in touch with for a while. A small thing I have liked, though I know this is daft, is that I like not having to hug my friends. This might be because the protocol for this has escaped me sometimes and I hug too soon when we are still talking, or because I grew up not hugging friends but now it's expected and I find it slightly awkward. I much prefer a fond farewell at a distance!

It's a mixed bag for me. There's one woman in my friendship group who I really don't click with, and since covid I've very consciously thought, you know what, I don't want to spend time with you. Luckily she's soon to relocate.

But more generally I need a higher level of social contact than I'm currently getting (and I'm someone who works in an office with others three days a week!).

@nenevalleysigns

I totally agree with your last paragraph 😎

I’m letting one slide out of sheer annoyance. She’s an old school friend who dropped me for a while when she had kids in favour of mum friends - fair enough, I get that.

But her and her husband both work in a non-Covid friendly industry, and have, for years paid themselves by dividend via a ltd company to pay less tax and NI. All I’ve seen in Facebook is how skint they are and aren’t getting help from the Government. Then she starts constantly pestering me on FB and What’sApp to buy this Body Shop shite. Then I see she’s tapping up a dog breeder for a puppy even though they are supposed to be skint. Couldn’t hit the mute button quick enough.

Thought this was about something else. Of course YANBU.

I have just had a cull of 'friends' who have done nothing but whinge at people, doom monger, gossip and try to shame others (one of whom, who was on the recieving end of the doom mongers ire, is a terminally ill friend. Who is apparently a 'selfish arsehole' for seeing family recently ) for the past few months. Actually thought this thread would be about that, or the opposite that apparently some friends are doing, culling people who seem to not listen to restrictions!

I've let a friendship totally fade. Realised after landing a dream project that she just wasn't interested in hearing anything at all about me. I was just there to absorb her chatter.
Bumped into her DH during lock down he talked all about him, his cancelled holiday, his shopping and when I dropped in my dad had just had a stroke he carried on explaining how he'd be packing the top box on a future trip.
I now have a mix of feelings - sad something I once valued is over, embarrassed, socially excluded from a wider group, bit of fomo, long term it will be for the better.

@Feelingconfused2020

Nice bit of casual sexism on this thread. I have plenty of female friends, none of whom bitch at me.

I know, it’s grim. People who say ‘women are always horrible to me, but men are always lovely’ never seem to realise that they are the common factor in both of those sentences.

I've also struggled with way people have used the covid rules. So one family removed kids from school, strict isolation, no meetups for the kids, no attempt at online contact. DD dropped a card & present round for their DD nothing back for her own birthday. So we sucked it up but they were having families from higher risk areas to stay for weeks during the summer. 🤷 Just not that into us after all.

There are some people I’ve missed more than others but I’ve found friends have been keen to stay in touch, support each other and make an effort. I’m happy at home with DH and DD but my friends are a big part of my life too. I know some incredible women, and some great men. I never understand people who don’t seem to like anyone or who discard half the population as unlikeable. Really odd. Friends can add huge positives to your life. Friendships take effort though so if you can’t be arsed with that your loss.

@Pumperthepumper

Nah, the women aren’t horrible to me,, they’re horrible about other people, which is the point I choose to slip away quietly from them.

I’m sure some women are just lovely friends but I’m initially always attracted to ‘alternative’ types and they’ve so far never failed to turn out quite fake.

Maybe I should try making friends with less rainbow tribers.

[quote Nenevalleysigns]@Pumperthepumper

Nah, the women aren’t horrible to me,, they’re horrible about other people, which is the point I choose to slip away quietly from them.

I’m sure some women are just lovely friends but I’m initially always attracted to ‘alternative’ types and they’ve so far never failed to turn out quite fake.

Maybe I should try making friends with less rainbow tribers.[/quote]
Maybe you should. I’d still question what it is all these women see in you that thinks they can be horrible about other people, to you.

Realised I had a very one sided friendship. I have supported her through divorce, house moves, a new marriage, grand parent passing, becoming pregnant. Made a real effort for her birthday in lockdown as best I could for Covid.

In the last month she has forgotten my birthday, after we discussed i wouldn't be able to help her with another house move as my birthday was the same day. When I contacted her a few days later to apologise for not checking in on her move on the day because my nan had passed near my birthday and I was devastated she did not contact me again after that.

It's just not worth putting so much time energy and money being a cheerleader for someone who cares very little for you.

I know, it’s grim. People who say ‘women are always horrible to me, but men are always lovely’ never seem to realise that they are the common factor in both of those sentences.

This isn't always the case. I'm sorry, but some women are just bitchy by nature. Some men too – men aren't flawless by a country mile – but I personally find friendships with men easier than a lot of those I've had with women. In my experience there just aren't as many men that get a kick out of being nasty behind people's backs as there are women who do so. I realise this is a big generalisation but I have found it to be true. I am confident that there is nothing about me that should cause people to bitch behind my back, but some former female friends have done it and I am 100% sure that there just is a certain type of woman who, for whatever reasons (dissatisfaction with own life is my theory) just can't help relating in a bitchy way towards other women.

but I personally find friendships with men easier than a lot of those I've had with women. In my experience there just aren't as many men that get a kick out of being nasty behind people's backs as there are women who do so.

You’re still the common factor there - why do you think there are so many women who see you as a kindred spirit you can bitch to? What conversations do you have with men that doesn’t invite the bitchy conversations you have with women?

Hi all,
Just to say that while we are sure no one meant any offence, we're not in love with this title either. It could catch someone quite aback, really, so we're going to change it to Pruning. Hope that's okay!

@Pumperthepumper

but I personally find friendships with men easier than a lot of those I've had with women. In my experience there just aren't as many men that get a kick out of being nasty behind people's backs as there are women who do so.

You’re still the common factor there - why do you think there are so many women who see you as a kindred spirit you can bitch to? What conversations do you have with men that doesn’t invite the bitchy conversations you have with women?

To the first question, I'm someone who values being approachable and easy to talk to, and unfortunately some people misinterpret that as they can say what they like to me and I'll just nod along (till they find out I won't ). To the second question, quite honestly I don't think many men can be arsed bitching about other people behind their backs, hence I find them more genuine. It's not possible for me or anyone else to bring out someone else's inner bitch if that trait isn't there to begin with.

To the first question, I'm someone who values being approachable and easy to talk to, and unfortunately some people misinterpret that as they can say what they like to me and I'll just nod along (till they find out I won't grin). To the second question, quite honestly I don't think many men can be arsed bitching about other people behind their backs, hence I find them more genuine.
It's not possible for me or anyone else to bring out someone else's inner bitch if that trait isn't there to begin with.

And yet, it must be, because women do it and men don’t. So it’s either something in the chromosomes - which means you have it too. Or, more likely, you have different conversations with men and women, because you think more highly of men.

@Pumperthepumper

*To the first question, I'm someone who values being approachable and easy to talk to, and unfortunately some people misinterpret that as they can say what they like to me and I'll just nod along (till they find out I won't grin). To the second question, quite honestly I don't think many men can be arsed bitching about other people behind their backs, hence I find them more genuine. It's not possible for me or anyone else to bring out someone else's inner bitch if that trait isn't there to begin with.*

And yet, it must be, because women do it and men don’t. So it’s either something in the chromosomes - which means you have it too. Or, more likely, you have different conversations with men and women, because you think more highly of men.

Yes, I do think it's in the chromosomes. I do think more women are inherently bitchy than men and I acknowledge I have that trait too, although I do my best to suppress it.

I don't think more highly of men per se, but I do think more highly of their ability to maintain non-judgemental friendships. I think they are generally better at this than women. And yes, I do have different conversations with men than women. I like conversations to revolve around opinions, current affairs, anecdotes, funny stories and the like, and generally have found men better at these types of conversations. With female friends it all too often segues into hasn't so-and-so put on weight and 'can you believe she said this to me' types of conversation which I have no interest in. Maybe I've just had too many bad female friends in the past, but this has been my general experience.

So yes, generally speaking, I do prefer men as friends and feel more relaxed in their company.

Yes, I do think it's in the chromosomes. I do think more women are inherently bitchy than men and I acknowledge I have that trait too, although I do my best to suppress it.

Of course it isn’t. That’s absolutely ridiculous.

It’s misogynistic bullshit to pretend that men have a higher standard of conversation than women because of their chromosomes. It’s actually so stupid I don’t even know where to start.

I feel both, on one hand I am much closer to my friends, love them that bit more and can't wait to spend much more time with them. It has made me appreciate them even more. I miss them! On the other hand some have behaved with such selfish entitlement it has really put me off seeing so much of them, and I am finding myself preferring not to spend as much time in their company. I can't quite see them in the same light.

Some of my friends are struggling and I am here for them, others don't really care about covid and everything in between.

I am much more independent though, I have learnt to enjoy my own company and not have to go out all of the time to be happy. It is quite liberating in that way. I am happy to go out, happy to stay in - never thought I would say that either!

@Pumperthepumper

Yes, I do think it's in the chromosomes. I do think more women are inherently bitchy than men and I acknowledge I have that trait too, although I do my best to suppress it.

Of course it isn’t. That’s absolutely ridiculous.

It’s misogynistic bullshit to pretend that men have a higher standard of conversation than women because of their chromosomes. It’s actually so stupid I don’t even know where to start.

I am not claiming they have a higher standard of conversation overall. I said I thought more highly of their ability to maintain non-judgemental friendships and I stand by that. This view is based on my own experiences, others' may differ.

Are you really saying that you have never experienced excessive bitchiness in female friendships? If so, you've been unusually lucky imho. I'm not even going to start on the irony of the rudeness you displayed in your reply.

Are you really saying that you have never experienced excessive bitchiness in female friendships? If so, you've been unusually lucky imho. I'm not even going to start on the irony of the rudeness you displayed in your reply.

I’d say irony isn’t your strong point though, considering you’ve accused me of having bitchiness in my chromosomes on a thread where you’re arguing that it’s not you that makes women respond to you poorly.

Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. You only think men give you a non-judgemental friendship because you believe women are biologically bitchy. Not because you respond to men in a different way you do to women.

@Pumperthepumper

Are you really saying that you have never experienced excessive bitchiness in female friendships? If so, you've been unusually lucky imho. I'm not even going to start on the irony of the rudeness you displayed in your reply.

I’d say irony isn’t your strong point though, considering you’ve accused me of having bitchiness in my chromosomes on a thread where you’re arguing that it’s not you that makes women respond to you poorly.

Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. You only think men give you a non-judgemental friendship because you believe women are biologically bitchy. Not because you respond to men in a different way you do to women.

And you clearly aren't interested in seeing things from any other way than how you already see them, given your selectiveness in quoting me and the repetitive nature of your points.

If you read my pps properly you'd have seen me say I do consider myself guilty of having 'bitchiness in my chromosomes' as you put it and that I do my best to suppress it. I also feel you have displayed it in your responses. There's no hypocrisy going on here.