Can't make friends

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This will sound pathetic, but I can't seem to make friends this will sound more of a ramble;

I have tried making friends with my daughters friends mums at daycare, invited their children who are my daughters friends, to daughters party a few weeks ago and heard nothing. One mum I even let her know that I have left an invite in childs cubby hole and she suggested a playdate as well so was hoping she would text me but nothing, one I asked if she and child were coming and she said they are busy. I have known most of these children and mums since DD was was 10 months but none seem to want to carry a relationship.
I try smiling more and making small talk as I'm quite shy but they just answer and quickly leave.

A local lady is a photographer who has done a few shoots for me I tried being friends with, I tried adding her on social media and she deleted my requested then made it so no one can add her, I know, its only social media but I hate the fact that I feel rejected.

I tried making friends with husbands friends wives and girlfriends but I can't get past small talk with them before they rush off to talk to their other friends at a party. One has a daughter the same age as mine so I suggested several times for a catch up and she always says yes but when I ask her when she's free she always seems busy too even invited them to DD party next week but she said her family were busy.

I just don't know what's wrong with me or what I could do!

I'm the same op .
Literally have no friends at all despite my best efforts 🤷‍♀️

It sounds to me as though you are making lots of effort, but perhaps you have nothing in common with these people. Perhaps you could start some hobbies or join some groups? That way you will have common interests with people. Do you work? I have made some of my best friends through work places.

Could they be avoiding the last because of Corona?
I'm sorry you feel like this op. Try not to take it too personally. I only have 3 friends...but sometimes life is so busy to even make time for them. I wouldn't have the time to make new friends.

I struggle too
We live in a very expensive area and can afford to live here because of an inheritance - we rented for years here before so the kids had nice school and my family are here but I sometimes think we don't "fit in"
We'd never of been able to afford our house and neighbours are both doctors and look down their noses at the ex renters who were able to buy their property which always makes me chuckle as they complained about the most ridiculous stuff before like "the hedge needs trimming" (they trim to military precision with scissors!) and "the hanging baskets look scruffy" so was delighted to tell them we'd bought it now they have nobody to complain too 😂

I just crack on now and don't let it bother me

Avoiding the party,I mean *

Oh it’s such a difficult one. I moved to new area just before DS was born and although I’m usually fine at meeting people etc, have found building actual friendships hard. I think just getting on with doing what you want and are interested in us the best plan, so you invite people along, or join groups. I’d forget about the focus on play dates really as people won’t be your friend just cos you both have kids, there needs to be a connection aside from that (or wine)

Sympathies, there's nothing wrong with you OP. I think more people than care to admit it feel that way - sweeping generalisation incoming here but I think british culture/social norm is generally to have quite small circles of close friends, often people you've known a really long time and to not often make 'new' close friends. I think this is particularly the case outside large towns and cities - villages in particular can be quite insular. Whilst it's perfectly possible to form vague friendships/acquiantance-ships with people where you come into regular contact such as school parents, work mates, hobby/activity/charity groups, I find it's pretty rare to be able to 'convert' those into people you then spend much time with outside that context, so as you are finding, while people are pleasant at the school gates they'll rarely want to go for coffee/meet up for drinks/do dinner with other school mums. That's just how it is I think, people are busy and risk averse, they don't necessarily want to 'invest' time etc in finding out if you really click and could have a lasting friendship, they just want to stick with what they know - even if they are lonely and lacking close friends themselves. Boring/sad I know but I think that is honestly how people sub-consciously think.

What to do about it, I think to a certain extent accepting social activities (esp at the moment) may be more structured and smaller groups than before, try to find peace with maybe having a smaller/very small intimate circle and then a much wider circle of less close friends that are connected with particular contexts. It's hard right now with the restrictions but taking up a new hobby, course of study or voluntary activity may help? Also try meetup.co.uk , lots of different and interesting groups on there. And don't lose heart or feel personally slighted, I know it's rough but it really is unlikely to be about you...

What are your interests?

The friends I have made I have something in common with. My very long lasting friendships have been through political activism and food projects. Actual Mum friends at the gate there are two long lasting. I would describe them as strong women, dark humour, men annoy them easily. So they are very similar to me. My husbands colleagues wives have been certainly nice women but I did not have anything in common with them.

It sounds as if you'd be better pursuing interests, hobbies and voluntary work that genuinely interest you and bring you into contact with people, and letting actual friendships develop naturally. Maybe make your DD's playdate about her, not a way to 'force' friendships?

(this advice is probably more applicable in normal non-Covid times, but is something to keep in mind..)

I know this is a stereotypical answer but maybe try volunteering, for the local NCT group or for any of the local baby groups. I started just helping at the NCT sales (twice a year) but then ended up running a once a month group which really expanded my group of contacts. I was new to the area/ country so I literally knew no one up until then.

There's something about volunteering (or paid work, of course) that gives you more to talk about than just the small talk of whether or not she's sleeping through the night, pooing regularly, etc! It also just gets you 'out there' more. I've made so many friends because of my volunteering, but I'd say only a few of them are from the actual groups themselves. Others are friends or family of those people, whom I've gotten to know through subsequent social events etc.

Also take this all with a grain of salt: there were few groups I truly got on with, and those I stuck with for several years. There were many who seemed to have a clique or just no interest in socialising, and I'm not saying to do anything you aren't enjoying. Just that it's worth giving it a go to see if you do.

Also just to add, NCT was my own experience, there were other groups as well as the PTA etc. I love the suggestions above re: political groups and food charities.

There have been a lot of threads like this popping up recently so you're certainly not alone OP. I think lock-down and Covid have made the situation worse, making people feel more isolated and alone. I myself wouldn't say I have many friends, people I talk to at work and neighbours perhaps. I started hobbies but these didn't help, run clubs, exercise classes, sewing and cross stitch (admittedly the latter is a mostly solitary past time!). I do think making lasting friendships and connections with people becomes harder once you're older

Just to add I live in Qld so covid rule etc are here much eased. I feel like people make plans without me etc. I honestly feel like such a loser.
I'm late 20s but moved to Australia from NZ for 1 year before I finished school so made no friends that stayed friends from there.
I'm a Sahm but worked previously, but all the people my age there were into clubbing and drinking and I'm more mature so only made friends with ladies who are in their 60's who i text every now and then but its more of a "hi how are you and the kids" type convo.
I've tried joing play groups but i can tell that the women already are friends so were quite "clicky" so I never went back as I felt out of place but I did try to talk to them but again it never went as far as a hi how are convo.

• I live in Australia that should say!

It took to me too long to realise that I do no take rejection well. So would remove myself if I felt not welcome. I always put it down to being shy that friends didn’t come easy. But watching others start from being an outsider to being included sometimes takes perseverance. Starting from just having a chat with no expectations and not to write people off if the first few times are awkward.

@Boulshired i have tried to be really engaged in a conversation and would even get the courage to introduce myself first. One lady just stared at me so her friend told me her name instead and that conversation went no where. I felt so embarrassed like and kept thinking maybe she didn't hear me, maybe I interrupted them etc. Such an overthinker.
I just want someone to talk to other than my husband and daughter

Ugh, that's horrible when you try to be friendly and get the cold treatment. People can be so rude. I was a vague aquaintance of someone who became very successful and semi-famous and he was an amazing networker. He never lingered in conversations, he'd just throw in a friendly remark then move on. Never looked needy, never gave anyone the chance to reject him, just always seemed self-composed and confident. It was all deliberate though, he really worked hard at it.

Yes my husband (and daughter thankfully) is a very boisterous person, so he holds conversations and makes friends very easily. People would go right up to him for a chat and ignore me.

Might it's the ozzy culture? I've heard people who moved there remarking before that they found it hard to make friends with the local people, that the locals tend to hang on to their school and uni friends and don't open up easily to "outsiders". No idea if it is true, but that's what I heard. If it is true then maybe you can try to find meet ups of expat groups?

I heard it's more a part of the 'small town Aussie culture - they've all grown up in the same town and know each other well. I've heard you can be the third generation of family living in a small town and still be considered an 'outsider'.

However in cities it's much easier to make friends. I've lived in one my whole life before making the move to a regional town. If I had been a sit at home mother I probably would have had trouble making friends too. My saving grace was that my husband is from said regional town and I had a lot in common with his friends' wives. Also I made a few good friends from work.

Are you in a regional town, OP? Is getting some part time work or starting a group hobby something you might be interested in? It might make making friends a little easier.

Could you use Bumble BFF? Or are there any Facebook groups local to you for women around your age, or women with children or women with similar interests to you?
That way you could make a post and set out they type of people you might get along with and arrange to meet up with them and see how it goes?
I've been there - I'm 27 and ended up without friends seemingly overnight.
I used apps and Facebook groups and managed to meet some really nice friends through there who later became good friends!

I don't want to kick you when you're down, but you sound a bit as if you're desperately approaching anyone female you've run across your husband's friends' wives and girlfriends, other mothers at daycare, your photographer without actually thinking about whether you like them or have anything in common with them or not. As though you're seeking 'generic' friends, rather than running across someone you liked and felt a draw to, and pursuing that as a potential friendship. That may come across in your manner?

You may also just be in the wrong place, OP, though I realise that's not consoling if you aren't planning to move again. I've never had the remotest difficulty in making friends, and have lived in several parts of several countries around the world, but the last place I lived in England defeated me completely. It was a large, prosperous village, and I did everything that is recommended as a way of making friends had a child at baby groups, then at school, got involved in volunteering via said baby groups and Beavers and the PTA and other local things, joined a book group and a walking group zilch. All the friends I made while living there were at work.

With hindsight, the place and I were just a poor match. Out of the 27 children in DS's class, only two (including me) were working mothers, and virtually everyone had always lived in or close to the village, or, if they'd left, returned when they had children. It was an insular place, and I think that I simply spoke a different language to the people I knew there -- I just coded as too different.

I think it gets harder as you get older, especially if you're not from the area. I'd take your DC to clubs so they get opportunities to make friends without you having to invite people round. Then find something you like doing, and pursue that. It could be an interest or a sport or a course. I found our English small town unfriendly when my DC were small. I made friends eventually through an accounts course and work. The DC were fine tho. They have plenty of friends. They invite them round themselves before you know it.

But also I think it's worth thinking about how you come across. I've been reading that book, How to Win Friends and Influence People and it has given me some insight. It rambles on a bit but I think the tips he gives are useful for shy people particularly. It was 75p the other day on Amazon.

What do you bring to potential new friendships, OP?

I moved country not long before lockdown, in my mid-40s, and while I haven’t had much chance to meet many people yet because of Covid, this thread got me thinking about the new people I have met, and what has made me attracted to some of them as potential friends. Several of them have interesting, offbeat jobs they are passionate about, and/or unusual hobbies or areas of knowledge, work in the arts or are politically engaged — maybe the one thing they all have in common is that they’re good talkers, though they’re far from all extroverts. Or just people who seem interested in their lives and curious about stuff?

This is not a Braggy post, it’s meant to help. I am one of those people who makes friends naturally and easily wherever I go. People always comment on how I know everyone. Again, not to brag, just a fact.

I smile, a lot. And I always go up to people first and start chatting. I will ask people about themselves (folk loves talking about themselves) and really listen, and try to remember what they say. Every so often I’ll send people ‘just checking in’ messages. And I always suggest a date and time for a play date, not just the usual - oh we have to meet up!

I am a naturally chatty person so there never any awkward silences really

I would say, smile and always acknowledge people, ask about them and seem genuinely interested. If they try to walk off to speak to other people, ask to tag along! Dont be shy.