To feel dread?!!!

[SunsetOnTheHorizon]

Right here goes! As the title suggests...I need some perspective here.

We sold and moved here 5 years ago, it's a nice location, a good distance away from my slightly mentally draining family and it's a lovely, quiet area with kind neighbours. Which is a huge contrast to my upbringing, where we lived was major crime area, poverty and future prospects weren't amazing for many.

Living sightly away from family means I can choose when I need to see them and I can stay away as long as I feel. I feel I'm emotionally a stable person and generally happy.

Cue younger (spoilt) sibling gets wed, has a baby and decides to purchase a house on the next street (bursting my bubble of peace)

It's all lovely and smiley for now but I know for a fact I'll be the unofficial dinner lady/restaurant as neither cook and rely on the parents to spoon feed them. They are a self-centered couple, lack basic manners as in they'll come into your house and ask/look for food. Turn up unannounced and regularly and aren't interested in anything unless it's of any benefit to them.

Albu to feel suffocated? I will be setting boundaries and will lay down the law that I won't be available to cook extra etc etc and they should learnt to feed themselves. On the odd occasion it's nice to pop over with a dish but on a regular basis where they expect to be fed is unacceptable.

How do I diplomatically handle this? Without being rude and remaining in control? Aibu to want to sell up and move ?!!

I think you can either handle it in a way that will get you what you want, or handle it with rudeness being at the forefront. But you can't have it both ways.

Your sister is CFer and politeness doesn't work with CFers.

You're going to have to decide what's more important to you. Freedom from her living on your doorstep constantly, or being diplomatic and living with the very real possibility of her not giving a shiny shit about your polite hints.

For example, they can't come into your house if you don't let them past the front door.

If they ask for food - you say no.

If they turn up unannounced, you don't answer the door. A Ring doorbell will be your best friend here.

You have to go into this being aware that you'll likely piss her off. But all that means is that she'll fall out with you. Even better because then you definitely won't have to deal with her!

Personally I would move.

You’re just going to have to be clear and consistent about your boundaries from the start. Lots of saying no, lots of firmness. Personally I wouldn’t pop over with the odd dish to be nice until those boundaries are very firmly established, or you might give off mixed messages.

If they consistently get rebuffed when making unreasonable demands or being cheeky, the message will sink in.

It's all lovely and smiley for now but I know for a fact I'll be the unofficial dinner lady/restaurant as neither cook and rely on the parents to spoon feed them. They are a self-centered couple, lack basic manners as in they'll come into your house and ask/look for food. Turn up unannounced and regularly and aren't interested in anything unless it's of any benefit to them.

They can't do any of this if you don't let them.

None of this can happen unless you choose for it to.

Honestly the way you've described it I would be setting crystal clear boundaries straight away (if you delay it will be harder ) and be absolutely prepared to hold the line when they start a row.

Personally I would understand staying in control but why are you worried about being rude? Turning up unannounced expecting to be fed is the height of rudeness so why would it be ok for them to be rude but you not to be holding the boundary?

If the way you describe them is accurate I'd be surprised if they don't throw their toys out of the pram however calm you are. When they do that you need to be prepared to stay calm but see it through.

I would be very careful of "being nice " and popping over with a dish (I can't imagine needing to do that outside of elderly with physical needs , new mothers or illness....why on earth would you pop around with food for two healthy adults ??)

The only advice would be to hold the line without wobble and ride through the inevitable tantrum but do not break or you will be doing it for evermore.

They can't do any of this if you don't let them.

This. Sorted.

Fence /lockable gate /blinds /video doorbell /large ddog.
And big girl's pants.

They'll come into your house and ask/look for food. Turn up unannounced and regularly and aren't interested in anything unless it's of any benefit to them

Clearly they dont care about offending you, so dont care about offending them. "No you cant come in, next time please let us know if you want to come over"
"No I'm not cooking you dinner hahaha I have enough cooking of my own to do"
"If you're getting hungry its probably time to go home"

Shinyletsbebadguys

The only reason I would feel obliged to support them is due to the fact they are a spoilt couple, and it has been normalised from my parents side that they need hand holding and perhaps cooking for as my parents have taken it upon themselves to cluck around them as they both had previous rocky relationships and this is their 'happiness' and we should all hold hands and sing kumbaya around them.

That hasn't been said or anything, but that's the kind of picture that is painted for these two.

I have mentioned to my mother that I won't be expected to have an open door and welcoming arms 24/7 as my life comes with it's own set of stresses. A immature couple that refuse to grow up aren't going to be on my list of worries.

Many of the posts have been empowering and has really got me off the fence and I feel like I will set the record straight.

@SunsetOnTheHorizon

Shinyletsbebadguys

The only reason I would feel obliged to support them is due to the fact they are a spoilt couple, and it has been normalised from my parents side that they need hand holding and perhaps cooking for as my parents have taken it upon themselves to cluck around them as they both had previous rocky relationships and this is their 'happiness' and we should all hold hands and sing kumbaya around them.

That hasn't been said or anything, but that's the kind of picture that is painted for these two.

I have mentioned to my mother that I won't be expected to have an open door and welcoming arms 24/7 as my life comes with it's own set of stresses. A immature couple that refuse to grow up aren't going to be on my list of worries.

Many of the posts have been empowering and has really got me off the fence and I feel like I will set the record straight.

I completely understand how this dynamic starts (sorry should have made that more clear ) I guess what I was trying to clumsily say was that they have no real legitimate need for that level of intervention and so why should you be put to inconvenience instead of them.

Glad to see you are ready with the boundaries. I actually have a dsis (in my case she is older than me but cultivates a very effective learned helplessness and always has ) who I honestly think my DP have let down by pandering to her. In all honestly I am sad that at nearly 50 there are so many things she thinks she can't do and actually had the family held their boundaries with her she would genuinely be better off and more confident.

I think sometimes holding the line honestly is kinder to the people involved , they will get so much more out of being self sufficient (after the initial hissy fit !).

Lock doors always and don't give them spare keys.

Sometimes you have to be blunt, if people won't take a hint or lack common sense or decency. Tell her you don't have time, money, or inclination to cook for them on a regular basis. It shouldn't be shocking. After all, she clearly doesn't want to do it herself, so why does she think you should want to?!

If you feel so inclined, you could offer to show her how to cook one or two dishes, but honestly, in the age of the Internet, she can learn from watching some YouTube videos.

They're lazy, selfish users. It's sad when family are that way, but you shouldn't let them take advantage of you.

Have a rule. No cooking whatsoever. Don't invite them round until they invite you round, and even then leave it a month. Not necessarily for a meal. If they call round say 'sorry it's not convenient right now, you should have pre-arranged'.

Get a ring doorbell.
Get decent blinds/curtains so they can't see in.
Keep doors locked when you're home.
Have coats ready by the door to do the "we were just going out" in case of surprise pop ins.

Loving these ideas!

Are you the eldest child by any chance?

As wise PPs have said - you are not even remotely obliged to feed these OTHER GROWN ADULTS, and therefore cannot be made out to be unreasonable for not doing.

What are they going to do, complain to your mum that you haven't fed them?

Try any of these:

"I'd have thought they were doing loads of cooking now they've got their own kitchen!"

"Hahahaha - she's not the baby any more, they've got a mortgage now, they can definitely do their own cooking!"

"Hahahaa, good one! TOPIC CHANGE"

"...surely you know how to cook by now? Are you still playing with Lego too? Hahahah!"

Just make a big joke out of it if it's brought up around you. Keep door locked if they're likely to walk in, always have a ready made excuse for if they turn up, and ALWAYS act slightly bemused/as if it's hilarious and ridiculous that they're even suggesting you feeding them/doing things for them. Because it is!

"...you want me to cook you tea, even though you're an adult with a child and a mortgage?!" (As if you've just said "You want me to clean your floor using a toothbrush and snail slime!?")

YABU, just make sure you put your boundaries in place. You'll only turn into a martyr if you let yourself! No need to cook for them, if they turn up unannounced then you're busy or just going out. Distance yourself, don't go with open arms. If someone turned up at my house and asked for food (because they were spoilt - obviously not if they really needed it) then I'd laugh and tell them to use deliveroo like everyone else.

Just because their parents spoil them doesn't mean you have to. Set the boundaries and never let them cross over.

If they turn up unannounced, tell them you're busy but they have your number if they want to arrange a suitable time. Or don't answer the door.

Don't do anything for them. It's not going to be reciprocated. They're used to being babied. Let them find someone else to do it.

You have your own life. If they try to guilt you into being a replacement parent, tell them no, they can call their own parents.

If your family have an issue with you not doing things for them, tell them they can go do it, you have your own life.

If you have to block them for a while so they can get into their rhythm without relying on you, do that. Don't give in. Ever.

They can only get you to do what you're prepared to do.

You need a Ring doorbell and a lot of boundaries.

Never, ever cook anything for them unless it's eg a birthday meal. No cooking if they come round for the evening. Don't ever volunteer to cook at all. Say "we've just eaten" even if you're starving. If they come round for a drink, send both of the men out to buy drink. And don't take any food round there, ffs! They are adults with a mortgage.

Why did they choose to move so close to you? Do you think they wanted to be near you for support? Fuck that.

Keep the door locked! Invite only, it’s the only way you’ll get any peace.

May I suggest this book as their Christmas present? amazon.co.uk/Home-Maintenance-Dummies-All-One/dp/0764570544/ref=smi_www_rco2_go_smi_1285150262?_encoding=UTF8&%2AVersion%2A=1&%2Aentries%2A=0&ie=UTF8]] Plus a cookbook of course

Unless you set boundaries right from the start, this situation will cause you a great deal of extra stress.

Make sure they have no way of being able to let themselves into your house, and do not pop around to theirs with any food, ever.

There must be a takeaway or supermarket nearby. Give them some flyers!

Do NOT NOT NOT take them any food round! And decline the first two requests to meet up with them, even if you have no plans, as it gives the impression that you are generally busy with other things and not available for them all the time.

Brilliant advice. I'll be keeping a good distance from them and stop the extra niceness as that usually is a green light for 'walk all over me!' I have a tendency to laugh everything off but having a serious face (or a resting bitch face) might send the message across.

Another piss-taking thing that happened they visited and managed to upset my neighbours the ones I spent 5 years building trust and friendship with!!

There must be a underlying reason as to why they moved so near, I'm presuming they think I'll be the replacement mum for them (pah!)

It's really weird. I'd understand of one of them was a bit rude and pushing the boundaries but they both do it and then giggle to one another "oh, your terrible!"

I don't get how people have the audacity to behave like this, I'd never accept this behaviour from a 10 year old. Let alone 2 grown adults! These replies have helped and eased much stress!