Pervy Driving Instructor from Years Ago??

[purplesky18]

So a bit of backstory, I was learning to drive roughly around 6 years ago now. I must've been 17 just turning 18 at the time. I picked a reliable driving school that is very well known in my area.

My driving instructor seemed happy and friendly at first. Would make me laugh during lessons and generally seemed like a nice guy. He must've been early 30s when he began teaching me. I also had a boyfriend at the time. All was going great until around 10 lessons in when I noticed he would start making near the knuckle comments. Things like 'oh I bet you like going reverse don't you' and generally starting making strange comments about my relationship at the time.

He then began to WhatsApp me really quite shocking inappropriate sexual messages and almost downplaying it and gaslighting me. At this point I got freaked out and blocked him never to have a lesson again!

Now my AIBU is... Would you report this incident now even if it is almost 6 years ago. The said driving instructor was married at the time with 2 kids, the awkward part also being his wife and father in law run the very well known driving school! Would I wreck his marriage? Is it worth potentially destroying a family? Would anyone believe me as I have no proof now? I can't stop thinking about this incident even all these years later, I really wonder if it's ever happened to other young girls also? Or would you just accept he was a perv trying his luck with an 18yr old and try to forget about it! Thanks.

OP if he did this to you, he will have done it to others before and since. Report

And @Nonotthisagain it is never too late to speak up, and get support for yourself too.

I was learning to drive in London for a while which was pretty expensive. I told my instructor that I would have to have a break as I couldn’t afford the lessons.He asked me to pull over & said that I could “ pay him in kind”. Really should have reported him but I was young & naive.

For goodness sake. Dismiss it. What good can possibly come out of it except trouble.

And The Most Stupid Thing I've Read Today Award goes to.....

@purplesky18 I clicked on this thread in the vain hope we might have had the same teacher. I'd feel much more comfortable being a voice rather than THE voice. Especially since mine was away from lessons in a moment he thought I was vulnerable. If not his pupils he's done it to someone, I'm sure.

I am similarly angry that mine enjoys a position of respect and "good bloke" cred from so many people. I wonder if they'd feel the same way if they knew. He's now a Father Christmas. I'm sure he's safe with children but it bothers me that people will trust him and think he's so nice.

Report him for what though?
It sounds like he misjudged a situation, sent you a rude message, you ignored it and never heard from him again. Yes I can imagine it wasn’t pleasant, plus inappropriate and unprofessional, but he hasn’t broken the law has he?
You were an adult and you dealt with it at the time, I’m not really sure what could be achieved.

I think you should say something.
It’s probably happened to others. And fuck his sham of a marriage, I’d want to know if my husband was a sexual predator.
I’m so soo grateful I had a female driving instructor.

@MrsToothyBitch you’re being so naive if you think he’s safe pretending to be Father Christmas.

@Weeeare I still have never learnt to drive properly after that incident, I'm now booked into a female driving instructors schedule and hopefully start next month. I think my worry is that I speak up, no one else comes forward and everyone claims it's completely out of character, his wife dismisses it and I'm made to look like I've made everything up. Yet I also realise I surely can't be the only girl he's ever done this to.

• Report him for what though? It sounds like he misjudged a situation, sent you a rude message, you ignored it and never heard from him again. Yes I can imagine it wasn’t pleasant, plus inappropriate and unprofessional, but he hasn’t broken the law has he? You were an adult and you dealt with it at the time, I’m not really sure what could be achieved.*

OP was 17, not an adult

He then began to WhatsApp me really quite shocking inappropriate sexual messages and almost downplaying it and gaslighting me.

She had to BLOCK him, not ignore him. He was in a position of authority, a married man in his 30s. Not some lad down the pub trying it on getting the signals wrong. Would you be happy if your 17 year old daughter got treated like this by her driving instructor (if you had one obviously)? I know I wouldn't. And if he did it with one pupil, guaranteed he'll have done it to others. Maybe still doing it.

@HomerRoberts

Report him for what though? It sounds like he misjudged a situation, sent you a rude message, you ignored it and never heard from him again. Yes I can imagine it wasn’t pleasant, plus inappropriate and unprofessional, but he hasn’t broken the law has he? You were an adult and you dealt with it at the time, I’m not really sure what could be achieved.

I was 17 just about to turn 18. I gave him no signals whatsoever in regards to coming on to him, even if I had done, as a married man in a position of trust that gives him no right to abuse that power for his own personal gain. His daughter had just been born when this happened. I wish I would've said something at the time but even back then I felt I couldn't say anything due to the popularity of their family run school in my county. He was hounding me with messages, some of them I responding just with a 'haha' as i thought maybe I was just being dramatic, but nope they were fully sexually explicit. I have no doubt he would've tried to come into me physically if I didn't block him.

I was around the same age when I learnt to drive and my male instructor was in his 40s. It’s a strange dynamic because even though I was the one paying him for lessons obviously, it’s him that was quite domineering and I was often intimidated by him. He also implied I was thick one day when he thought I’d forgot a lesson, although he did acknowledge I had cancelled well in advance due to going on holiday. He did make a few weird comments like your future husband will be a lucky man etc. In hindsight I saw that he was being inappropriate, because he was in a position of trust and I was alone in a car with him every week. I can totally understand why OP was out off from learning to drive.

OP, my advice to you is if you feel any disquiet, stop the lessons immediately. You may have different issues with a female instructor so speak up if you know they are doing anything wrong (I had a female instructor who liked to liked to rap me on the knuckles, literally!)

@CalmConfident

And *@Nonotthisagain* it is never too late to speak up, and get support for yourself too.

He's been dead over a decade. If I were to say anything it wouldn't achieve anything other than to upset his family would it? And I'd be met with "well he's not around to defend himself" and almost certainly gave a lot of spite against me.

What is it with it driving instructors. I learnt to drive 20 years ago and thought mine was a bit off but he never made inappropriate remarks or tried anything with me- i just had a feeling. About 10 years ago I found out he'd been convicted of sexual assault against 6 girls he had taught to drive. Makes me shiver thinking of it.

@Mollyboom I think I've realised just how common these types of perverts are with this thread! It's crazy! Thank god you wasn't a victim and that he eventually received justice.

@Weeare. I don't consider myself a naive person although I obviously concede you may have a point in this instance. There are details I haven't shared and I spent long time learning to drive, so I have considered this situation a lot and turned it over often in my mind at the time.

What I did not care for in your post was your overly simplistic worldview and your almost self congratulatory attitude towards having learnt to drivr from a female instructor. I was referred to the person who could best manage my dyspraxia. I already feel it's my fault for inviting this vampire in. I don't think his wife would cope with or thank me for saying anything. She would likely relapse into depression and suicidal thoughts.

@HappydaysArehere
Your attitude makes me feel sick. Do you want these people out there working so they can maybe do the same to your kids? What's wrong with you?

OP do you have any evidence? If not I'd maybe file an anonymous report so nothing can come back on you.

My driving instructor was also a leery bastard full of inappropriate comments. It was early 90s and kind of accepted even then. Or in my circles at least.
Apparently these men are everywhere, makes me so angry and sad.
But gosh, why would the OP want to "stir up trouble"?

No advice but I've had two male driving instructors and they were both lovely and professional. Just in case anyone's worried they're all vile! It is depressing how many gross ones there seem to be

When you say sexually explicit messages, where they directed towards you?

I fully believe he was trying to make you uncimfortable, but if it was reported or investigated, you need to think of how its going to look from a neutral viewpoint. So the messages may have been unprofessional, but was it enough that if you were able to repeat the exact messages, it would be obvious he was trying ir on, or building to making a move on you?

Some comments in the car and some generally sexual messages but nothing directed at or about you or other individuals would be put down to (bad) sense of humour. He might get a warning to reign it in a bit but that would be it.

If it was comments about you, then it would be a more serious allegation and i would think investigated more.

@ScottishStottie that all sounds like minimising to me. OP says they were ‘inappropriately sexual’, believe her.

@stackemhigh im not saying thats what i think, i said at the start that i believe the op. But im just saying that in reply to the op considering reporting, it may be worth thinking through the possible outcome of any reporting. Unfortunately for a case 6 years ago, with comments that are open to interpretation (again, i believe that they were inappropriate and done deliberately to make the op uncomfortable) its worth thinking through the results that could come from making the report, vs the impact it would have to the op herself. (I wouldnt worry about his family being affected, thats not your fault and shouldnt factor in your decision)

But if its likely to bring stress, interogation and fall out to the op, against no real outcome in regards to the reporting, it may be best to leave it. It sucks, but the system is broken.

[quote ScottishStottie]@stackemhigh im not saying thats what i think, i said at the start that i believe the op. But im just saying that in reply to the op considering reporting, it may be worth thinking through the possible outcome of any reporting. Unfortunately for a case 6 years ago, with comments that are open to interpretation (again, i believe that they were inappropriate and done deliberately to make the op uncomfortable) its worth thinking through the results that could come from making the report, vs the impact it would have to the op herself. (I wouldnt worry about his family being affected, thats not your fault and shouldnt factor in your decision)

But if its likely to bring stress, interogation and fall out to the op, against no real outcome in regards to the reporting, it may be best to leave it. It sucks, but the system is broken.[/quote]
I totally understand where you are coming from and I do seem to agree for the most part. I think reporting him directly will do nothing. I am thinking of anonymously leaving a review on the driving schools google page and perhaps trying to write an anonymous message somewhere, maybe other victims will come forward, maybe not. But at least a google review will piss him off.

OP- you are in a really difficult position because what happened to you is wrong on so many levels but I'm not sure there is a criminal offence to report it to the police that leaves you with his place of work which is run by family members- that could go either way. They may already suspect or know he's a pervert and your report could be the excuse they need to get rid or they may just brush it under the carpet and carry on in denial.

You could report him to the Driving Instructor Association - the regulatory body - if you remember his name, name of the driving school etc. Rather than the police if you'd rather, I mean. They take these reports seriously.

Not just teenagers I was early 30s and has driving lessons and the instructor kept putting his hand on my seat so his habd was touching my thigh... I had 2 lessons and told the driving school.