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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DH for this?

41 replies

Ohdear2020 · 27/10/2020 09:31

My daughter is due to have a quite major operation today. I’m obviously very worried about it.

We stayed in the hospital last night and DH was at home because of covid. This morning he has a migraine which raised my suspicions. Now I know he got stoned as I’ve seen on our account that he withdrew cash where he used to live. So he’s gone across town to get it and spent the evening getting high.

He does this very infrequently and I know last night he would’ve been stressed but I’m really annoyed about it. I haven’t said I know as it all seems very controlling my checking the account etc. Aibu?

OP posts:
nicerbeing · 27/10/2020 09:32

Is your issue that he got stoned, that he used family money or that he got stoned when you were busy with your DD?

Original poster
Ohdear2020 · 27/10/2020 09:35

Not that bothered about the family money part. Not really that bothered that he does it a bit, though my tolerance of it is decreasing. Mainly bothered that instead of getting through it together (talking on the phone) he chose to get stoned. And that he knew he would be in a less good state today when he comes to the hospital. And most of all that he lied about it, though I guess he did that because he knew I would be pissed off.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 27/10/2020 09:36

I would be fuming. Your at hospital and having a tough time and he’s having a jolly at home. Nice. That’s before even using family money for it

Amber0685 · 27/10/2020 09:38

Sounds like you need to have a chat. I hope your daughters operation is successful, what time is it?

Meruem · 27/10/2020 09:39

I don’t think I can really judge on a one off incident. If he’s generally a good partner/dad and it was genuinely down to stress I’d probably let it go. But if there are other or bigger issues then my reaction would be different.

borntohula · 27/10/2020 09:42

I don't feel it's any different to having a few drinks at home on his own. He couldn't be with you and DD anyway. 🤷

JanQi · 27/10/2020 09:48

Personally I don't have a problem with marijuana and think it should be legalised so for me the getting high part isn't an issue. It's no different from him having a few drinks. Maybe he was worried and this was his way of coping. He had a night to himself and wanted to chill out. I know it's frustrating but what were you really expecting him to do to support you? Were you struggling to get hold of him all night or something?

Original poster
Ohdear2020 · 27/10/2020 09:48

I thought it would be fairly evenly split.

He has had a history of doing it far too much, mostly when he was a lot younger before I met him.

I never thought I would be so against it as I’m not anti cannabis generally, but seeing him stoned and awful in the mornings and useless as a result of it has really put me off. Also it’s the lying! And making this day about that rather than about the important thing - our baby. I’m fuming about that rather concentrating on her.

She’s meant to be going down at 11am. Neither of us got a good night sleep and when I finally got her down she was woken up with a covid test.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ohdear2020 · 27/10/2020 09:50

Not sure whether to just tell him I know (sure it will be obvious by looking at him) or ignoring him. We’ve been fighting a lot lately because of the stress of dd and other things. I don’t want another fight. He also gets really grumpy for a good time after doing it.

OP posts:
nicerbeing · 27/10/2020 09:51

Focus on your DD for now, I hope all goes well.

dontgobaconmyheart · 27/10/2020 09:52

I can't see what would be controlling about checking your own bank account. He sounds unreliable and inconsiderate. Given theres also a pandemic I wouldn't think very highly of him for going out god knows where with god knows who, being sneaky about it and then turning up to a hospital to see someone who's had surgery.

Needless to say I wouldn't think much of him anyway for his regular drug habit and abscence of support in very difficult times, nor would I want to be with a liar. Nobody deserves to be routinely lied to and flaked on. I would also be livid about using the joint account for bloomin' drugs and would be wondering how I ended up with this person.

I hope your daughter is ok OP, and recovers well Flowers

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 27/10/2020 09:55

If he is shit the next day, and he is needed today, and it affects how available and engaged he is then I'd be pissed off. If it just makes him tired but he powers through and you dont go back to a stinking house with no chores done etc then I'd put my anger down to the stress of the op and the fact that you are maybe unfairly resenting him for not being able to go through it with you

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 27/10/2020 09:57

So he uses family money, which takes money from your Dd too and uses it for drugs.
Then he gets moody about it all, controling your reaction and how much you will say to him about what he has done, as you don't want to deal with his reaction.
You aren't being controling by checking the balance of a joint account.
He's an arse.

Cheeseandwin5 · 27/10/2020 10:01

I agree that if you are checking to catch him out than it is controlling.
You are a partnership and hopefully can trust each other with funds in and out of the account ( I am pretty sure those calling for it would go mad if a DH went through the account and started interrogating the DW about money spent- they would definitively changed their tune about if it was controlling or not).
If it is infrequent and your not bother by it then I would not follow that up.
The problem as I see it, is that at a time of need - when your DC was going through a major incident, he was no where to be seen. How can you possible trust that he will be there for you or your DD in the future.
I think this is what you need to spell out to him and what he needs to resolve. I understand he may be stressed but the methods he used to combat it meant that everything was dumped onto you.

thebabessavedme · 27/10/2020 10:04

fucking hell I'm getting old! this would be a total dealbreaker for me, he would be out!

He has a very poorly baby with a stressed out mother in hospital during a pandemic and HE needs to get stoned, then gets arsey when he is caught out, fuck that for a game of soldiers, I would rather be on my own.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/10/2020 10:05

There is no excuse! He's just opting out of being an adult, a parent.

It doesn't matter if it were alcohol, choosing to take your own edge off when your child is ill is selfish, immature and a total turn off. I'd never be able to look at him the same again.

Stress of the op? Bollocks. OP didn't flake out. Why do men get given that pass card?

AlwaysCheddar · 27/10/2020 10:07

What a shit dad and husband. Divorce papers would be my preferred Christmas present for him.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 27/10/2020 10:07

So, he is no support when you need support. Knowing he would also be affected the day after. Sounds very selfish.

Is he at the hospital now? What time is he allowed to be?

Billben · 27/10/2020 10:13

You can dress him up as much as you like, he is a shit father and husband. Do people really accept such low standards when they look for a partner (and future father of their kids)?

MysweetAudrina · 27/10/2020 10:13

What use is he going to be to you and dd today. Ideally you need someone who is well rested and in good spirits or he might as well stay at home instead of adding fuel to what is already a stressful situation. I could overlook the money and the weed but not the fact that he traded his energy for is own selfish benefit at the expense of you and your dd. I would be inclined to tell him that there is no point in him coming given that it will be of no benefit to you or dd. Let him stew in his own funk and let him feel his own sense of failure. Don't engage or fight with him as he will project is own feelings onto you and make you out to be the one with the problem. He made his choice let him sit with the consequences and focus only on your dd and good luck with her operation.

Original poster
Ohdear2020 · 27/10/2020 10:15

Just to say so far it hasn’t affected his support of me. We spoke yesterday afternoon and I didn’t phone him after that. He’s on his way in now. I’m going to ask him to stay over tonight when Dd is on a tube as my boobs won’t be needed.

But yes it does just feel really off - as in I would never consider doing it.

OP posts:
SpaceOP · 27/10/2020 10:28

I honestly think it depends on how it affects him when you need him. If he was stressed last night and this is his way of relaxing and he will be supportive and helpful today, then I wouldn't have an issue with this. But if he gets a "hangover" of sorts, is tired/grumpy etc, then I'd be completely furious.

I like a drink. I seldom drink more than I should but I absolutely would make sure I was only drinking avery small amount if I knew I had a big and stressful day the following day as I'd not want my sleep to be impacted/hangover etc.

Halliehallie9828 · 27/10/2020 10:31

I have zero tolerance for losers that stay at home getting stoned. He would be gone.

BillMasen · 27/10/2020 10:49

I get why you’re a bit grumpy but if he’s fine today and able to support it’s not really that different to having a couple of beers.

I’d think checking the account to see what he was spending isn’t really on though.

Imagine a mum at home, dad in hospital. Mum is worried and has a bottle of wine over the evening. Dad checks the account, works out what she’s spent and on what, and has a go at her. That would be called controlling and you’d even get done (as you always do) LTBs

I’d be mildly annoyed in your place, but not worth the argument if it’s not regular and he’s fine and supportive today.

BillMasen · 27/10/2020 10:50

*some