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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DH for this?

41 replies

Ohdear2020 · 27/10/2020 09:31

My daughter is due to have a quite major operation today. I’m obviously very worried about it.

We stayed in the hospital last night and DH was at home because of covid. This morning he has a migraine which raised my suspicions. Now I know he got stoned as I’ve seen on our account that he withdrew cash where he used to live. So he’s gone across town to get it and spent the evening getting high.

He does this very infrequently and I know last night he would’ve been stressed but I’m really annoyed about it. I haven’t said I know as it all seems very controlling my checking the account etc. Aibu?

OP posts:
golddustwomen · 27/10/2020 10:58

I'm not anti weed in the slightest. Used to enjoy smoking daily pre kids. However, I would be livid if this was me. You're in hospital all night caring for dd whilst he sat at home getting stoned? What if something had of happened during the night? And for pp's saying it's the same as having a couple of drinks, I completely agree is it, but he should be doing neither if you ask me.
If either of my children were in hospital and their dad was staying with them instead of me, a couple of tins or a joint would be the last thing on my mind. Staying level headed and being on the other end of the phone to my oh would take priority.

user1493494961 · 27/10/2020 10:59

I can't believe people are condoning it. Let's hope he hasn't caught the virus from whoever he bought the drugs from seeing as he'll be visiting DD in hospital.

thepeopleversuswork · 27/10/2020 11:01

I’m pretty relaxed about weed, but I would be pissed off that instead of supporting you and your DD at such an obviously stressful time he chose to peel off on his own and be so self indulgent.

ilovesooty · 27/10/2020 11:07

Yes I think it's reasonable to have felt pissed off taking all aspects into consideration. If he can offer appropriate support today you might feel less pissed off. I hope your daughter's op goes well.

I assume that you weren't asking whether to end your relationship, regardless of the offerings of some of the respondents here.

MustardMitt · 27/10/2020 11:10

I don’t see this as any different to having a drink. He either couldn’t or wouldn’t not smoke the night before his child had a major operation, this isn’t new behaviour, he must have known it was likely he’d get a migraine from it. If ever there was a time to remain clear-headed. I think I’d actually argue that if he was really upset and needed something to calm him nerves, a beer or two would be better coz at least you’re controlling the intake.

Historydweeb · 27/10/2020 11:15

When you get back tell him he smells of weed 🤣

JanQi · 27/10/2020 11:18

Some of the comments on here are insane. I'm surprised anyone on MN is still married the way people go on.

OP, if your partner is usually supportive, didn't actually deny you any support last night other than not be there because he wasn't allowed to be, and is being supportive today then it's probably not worth getting into an argument over. If it's still upsetting you discuss it with him when your DD is better.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/10/2020 11:22

I'm surprised anyone on MN is still married the way people go on. Possoibly because some of us are married to grown ups who don't do selfish shit like this in times of raised anxiety!

I can't imagine Dh making himself unavailable to me is such a time. He's a very heavy sleeper but I'd imagine him sleeping, stone cold sober, with his phone on the loudest volume, just in case something changed overnight! Just as I would do if I were the one staying at home!

IceSkater · 27/10/2020 11:31

Have a conversation with him about it like a mature adult. No need to play games.

Original poster
Ohdear2020 · 27/10/2020 11:33

As is usually the case it comes down to what you want to put up with doesn’t it? I think I’m still working that out. I think I will mention it so he knows that I know. It will be obvious. I can see both sides of the coin. I do think he’s being unreasonable but I also know that people don’t change and I’m the one who married him. He will know this has pissed me off though and he didn’t care enough not to get stoned, which is probably what hurts the most.

Bloody surgery is delayed and Dd is very hungry!

OP posts:
steppemum · 27/10/2020 12:24

@thebabessavedme

fucking hell I'm getting old! this would be a total dealbreaker for me, he would be out!

He has a very poorly baby with a stressed out mother in hospital during a pandemic and HE needs to get stoned, then gets arsey when he is caught out, fuck that for a game of soldiers, I would rather be on my own.

I would feel like this.

I might not actually kick him out, but for me that is how I would feel.

But then my dh has never done drugs, so it would be more of a shock.

steppemum · 27/10/2020 12:27

@CuriousaboutSamphire

I'm surprised anyone on MN is still married the way people go on. Possoibly because some of us are married to grown ups who don't do selfish shit like this in times of raised anxiety!

I can't imagine Dh making himself unavailable to me is such a time. He's a very heavy sleeper but I'd imagine him sleeping, stone cold sober, with his phone on the loudest volume, just in case something changed overnight! Just as I would do if I were the one staying at home!

I agree.

funnily enough, married for 21 years.

I don't put up with any shit.
Neither does he.

As a result we are 2 mature adults who like and respect each other and wouldn't behave like this in a crisis, instead we would ahve each other's backs.

Waveysnail · 27/10/2020 12:33

I'd be annoyed. What if he needed to come down to the hospital that evening?

BillMasen · 27/10/2020 12:35

And I hope your daughter is ok and it all goes well. I’ve been in your position (child needing surgery) and i know how worrying it is.

CrimsonCattery · 27/10/2020 14:44

What is he smoking if he is still stoned in the morning and useless the day after? Most weed wears off after a couple of hours with no real lingering effects. Is it some really strong, horrible skunk?

ilovesooty · 27/10/2020 14:58

I'm sure you happily married people could manage to support the OP without offering unsolicited advice on ending her marriage

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