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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just want to see my dying mum in her care home

44 replies

OmLet · 27/10/2020 07:44

Four weeks ago my 75 year old mum was fit and healthy. Then she suddenly got really sick and was rushed to hospital. We weren’t allowed to visit at all in the hospital due to coronavirus restrictions. Over the last couple of weeks it has become clear that mum is going to die quite soon. She has lost most of her sight, her comprehension is patchy and the medical condition she has is causing her pain. She has been transferred to a nursing home where end of life care is available. I was allowed to visit her yesterday. I will not be allowed to visit her again until she is about to die. She is so scared and alone and I can’t be with her. I feel so helpless. It’s so cruel.

Is this even legal? We are in tier 2. Does anyone have any advice? Must we just let her sit terrified and alone whilst she dies?

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 27/10/2020 07:54

I am so so sorry OmLet.

I hope someone comes along who can advise on the legality because I seem to remember on another thread someone said that these restrictions in care homes are not in fact national guidance/law.

Mokusspokus · 27/10/2020 07:56

Can you si yourself to say your not a risk or buy a private covid test?. This is barbaric. Write to local mp for help

QuinoaWest · 27/10/2020 07:59

Oh you poor thing, that just sounds hellish for both.
How devastating your Mum's decline has happened so quickly, too.

And now bloody Covid restrictions compounding an already tough time.

No advice, I'm afraid, just really hope a way to meet your Mum's, and your own, needs can be found asap.

x

TulisaIsBrill · 27/10/2020 08:01

I went through the same with my dad recently. I (and only I) was allowed to visit him only at the very end of his time 😢 it wasn’t Covid - but the rules still applied.

However I will say that the hospital in this case were absolutely incredible and, well, the one hour visiting rule didn’t seem to apply too strictly. They were very kind.

I felt honoured but so guilty that everyone else didn’t get the chance to visit.

I wish you all the best - it totally sucks but yeah, this is the world we are living in. Flowers

DarkMintChocolate · 27/10/2020 08:02

It’s in breach of DM’s human rights. Amnesty International cover this subject in this report iirc:

www.amnesty.org/en/documents/EUR45/3152/2020/en/

Leigh Day, the leading human rights lawyers are preparing to challenge the government on care homes restricted visiting, on behalf of a group. Unfortunately it might be too late for you and DM!

Namenic · 27/10/2020 08:04

Could you see if there is an alternative care home or could they give support for her to be cared at your home? There is usually funding for people at the end of their lives to have carers so they can be at their own or a relatives home

Namenic · 27/10/2020 08:05

I’m so sorry for the situation OP

DarkMintChocolate · 27/10/2020 08:05

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-54007273

This is the group!

Doodiesbear · 27/10/2020 08:07

I'm so sorry you're in this situation.
However in the home I work in public health/local authority have imposed the no visiting rule, with end of life being left to the discretion of the home to some degree.
But end of life refers to the pathway most people are put on in the final stages, the last week or so when certain equipment and medication is used.
The residents I have cared for at this stage have had visitors once this has started, but we couldn't before as they weren't considered end of life until that stage.

You need to find out if that's the case in your area.

Original poster
OmLet · 27/10/2020 08:08

So sorry Tulisa and everyone else who has gone through this. I am so sad for my mum and so angry at the situation.

OP posts:
Mysa74 · 27/10/2020 08:17

Can you bring her home OP?
I lost my dad after we locked down in march. He'd had a couple of trips into hospital and said he never wanted to go back. They tried taking him again but we refused and the paramedic agreed that it was the right decision. We had district/community nurses, the palliative care team and St Claire's hospice visiting us to help with his care and to support mum as they lived alone. I'm so glad we were able to do this for him. It was really hard for everyone (I admit, we broke lockdown) but they were never alone and we don't have that awful guilt to live with along with the gaping hole he's left...
Sending you ((hugs))) and hope xx

Original poster
OmLet · 27/10/2020 08:23

Mysa - I don’t think we can bring her home. She needs too much care. She would need a 24 hour team and lots of equipment. We did try to go down this path at first but far too many obstacles.

OP posts:
DougRossIsTheBoss · 27/10/2020 08:30

Any chance of getting her transferred to a hospice?
My mum died in one recently and whilst they did have restrictions they were much more lenient than hospitals or care homes (2 visitors at once 4hrs per day and unlimited numbers and hrs in her last days).
They are more attuned to the needs of dying people. You would need to be dying within 2 weeks to be eligible.

frumpety · 27/10/2020 08:31

My heart goes out to you OmLet , its hard enough to cope with the sudden illness of your poor Mum without also dealing with the barbaric limitations on visiting her. Flowers

I know someone who chose to look after their relative at home in a similar situation. All the equipment that the nursing home has access to can be provided at home, carers can be organised and paid for , and medication can be arranged and dealt with by community nurses. It is incredibly hard work though as even with care visits, the vast majority of care falls to the family. A lot of people simply don't have the time and cannot be there 24 hours a day due to work or other family commitments.

frumpety · 27/10/2020 08:33

Ah sorry OmLet posted before I saw your last comment.

Violetophelia · 27/10/2020 08:35

So sorry to read this OP. I hope someone can give you some great advice to resolve this. Big hugs

frumpety · 27/10/2020 08:37

One thing I would be checking is , has she been referred to the specialist palliative care nurses in your area ? They are experts in symptom control and it worries me that you say your Mum is in pain.

Bagelsandbrie · 27/10/2020 08:40

So sorry to read this. How utterly barbaric. FlowersSad

TheSeedsOfADream · 27/10/2020 08:41

Flowers there have been similar threads which may give useful information. Carehome staff have variously said that in their homes, when a resident is near the end, family can visit with due precautions, others have said in theirs it isn't allowed due to risks for other residents etc.
As far as I recall, it's down to the individual carehome as to the restrictions they impose.
Speak to the manager again and ascertain what their protocol is.
I'm not sure if the tiers thing (being national legislation) will also impact on the carehomes.

Original poster
OmLet · 27/10/2020 08:41

Thanks frumpety, you’re right. Her pain is being managed but her condition is complex. She looked pained and distressed when I saw her but I think that is part of the condition rather than poor management. It’s so hard to stay on top of things when I can visit her and all info is gleaned through phone calls.

OP posts:
Original poster
OmLet · 27/10/2020 08:42

Clearly I mean when I can’t visit her

OP posts:
TheSeedsOfADream · 27/10/2020 08:43

Sorry I missed the bit where you were told you won't be able to visit again until she is near the end. Has she been put onto end of life care? That can go on for quite a long time. My mum was put onto it in early May and died at the end of June.

Badgerstmary · 27/10/2020 08:43

I’m so sorry that you are having to face this, especially at the moment. Having lost my mum in May I understand how awful it is. Has your mum been put on any medication to keep her calm so she will be less aware of what is going to happen? I hope they let you in with her soon & let you spend as much of this precious time together as possible. Sending hugs.

Original poster
OmLet · 27/10/2020 08:45

She is on end of life care but we have been told it could be weeks... or instantly and suddenly depending on how things unfold. We just want to be with her.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 27/10/2020 08:57

I'm sorry OP.
Fight for your right to be there, tell them you'll wear PPE. I deeply regret not fighting to be with DM it probably would have caused unnecessary stress for staff but I've to face the guilt of not trying.
Your poor DM going downhill so quick from independence. I am very sorry. Flowers