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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I just want to see my dying mum in her care home

44 replies

OmLet · 27/10/2020 07:44

Four weeks ago my 75 year old mum was fit and healthy. Then she suddenly got really sick and was rushed to hospital. We weren’t allowed to visit at all in the hospital due to coronavirus restrictions. Over the last couple of weeks it has become clear that mum is going to die quite soon. She has lost most of her sight, her comprehension is patchy and the medical condition she has is causing her pain. She has been transferred to a nursing home where end of life care is available. I was allowed to visit her yesterday. I will not be allowed to visit her again until she is about to die. She is so scared and alone and I can’t be with her. I feel so helpless. It’s so cruel.

Is this even legal? We are in tier 2. Does anyone have any advice? Must we just let her sit terrified and alone whilst she dies?

OP posts:

inmylifeIlovedthemall · 27/10/2020 08:58

It really is worth trying to speak to your local Hospice.

Both my DH and DM received Palliative care in a Hospice setting, but in both cases (not during the Covid pandemic) we were only able to get them in because I contacted the Hospice direct and asked for an assessment.

In my experience a Hospice will be much better equipped to deal with pain requirements and far more likely to be able to support you visiting.

Both members of my family were in single rooms and I was able to stay with them throughout their last few days (DM) / weeks (DH).

Badgerstmary · 27/10/2020 09:15

In that case there is definitively no excuse for them not letting you in. Keep fighting! X

SkySmiler · 27/10/2020 09:25

Desperately sorry for you and your dear mum, hope you can get some help soon

WaterOffADucksCrack · 27/10/2020 09:39

Sorry to hear this. I have experience on both sides. My grandparents are in a care home and I manage one.

Care homes have had barely any guidance. We have also been told by the Care Quality Commission (our regulatory board) that if we have an outbreak we will be held fully accountable.

We are allowing one visitor for palliative patients because I would want to see my loved one. It's very difficult time for all involved. It's heartbreaking to see the residents be without their families. We are just about to open up the home one zone at a time as it's been so long. I am also very nervous that I'll be the one CQC hold accountable for an outbreak because I could lose my job/never work in care again.

KnobJockey · 27/10/2020 09:45

Having gone through this twice through lockdown with my grandparents, my thoughts are with you. But unfortunately, through experience, yes, they are expected to be alone until the last few days- which is absolutely barbaric. In my grandads hospital they weren't even allowed personal possessions at the time. But it's not the nurses fault, and as and when they get to the end stage, they did everything they could to let us be with them as much as we wanted. Sending love x

Sparklehead · 27/10/2020 10:30

I’m so sorry you are going through this, and for your mum as well. I work on a dementia ward in a hospital and patients and their families are choosing to stay in hospital to die because visiting restrictions are much more lenient than care homes for patients at end of life. I would second pp, and suggest directly contacting your local hospice to see if your mum can be transferred their. You are probably already aware but there are specialist palliative nursing teams who work in the community and will support people to stay at home to die. Carers can be organised and equipment put in place and the team support with medication, pain control etc. Could this be an option? Wishing you all the best and sending you strength in this very difficult time.

KarmaStar · 27/10/2020 11:17

Hi op,so sorry you are going through this.
Can you make a recording of your voice,reading a book,or getting all the family to chip into about what they have been up to and the staff can play it for your mum?it might bring her some comfort.
Are you allowed to stand outside the window and talk to her?*
If it's any comfort she may be asleep a lot of the time.
This is sadly happening to thousands of people..

If she couldn't hear you,you could write messages on large bits of card in big writing and hold them up for her to read if her eye sight is up to it.

QuinoaWest · 27/10/2020 19:38

Can you make a recording of your voice,reading a book,or getting all the family to chip into about what they have been up to and the staff can play it for your mum?it might bring her some comfort

A lovely idea.

Newkitchen123 · 27/10/2020 19:47

My heart goes out to you. My family and I were in the same situation earlier this year. We were not allowed in until my beloved dad was dying. Then it was just one person and I was that person. It was the most difficult time.
We did cards and letters and voice messages but gradually he became less interested. It broke my heart

keepgoingorstop · 27/10/2020 19:49

I'm so sorry x

Hercules12 · 27/10/2020 19:52

I have no advice but this is barbaric. I can't believe there is no other way. My heart goes out to you.

Feellikefrighteningyeah · 27/10/2020 19:53

Gov.uk states you can visit in end of life situations. You can be with your mum . Don't let anyone fob you off

Sexnotgender · 27/10/2020 19:57

I’ve got no advice but this is just awful. I’m so sorry

Scarlettpixie · 27/10/2020 19:58

I am so sorry. This is such an awful situation to be in. I understand the fear that care homes have but it is so hard for families. Are you able to communicate by video call? I would try pushing for that at least. When my mum was in care she wouldn’t have been able to communicate but we would have seen each other at least. I believe some homes facilitate this.

FlipperSkipper · 27/10/2020 20:01

I’ve just been through this with my dad and it’s horrible. My mum was allowed to have garden visits throughout his stay and I was allowed a compassionate visit when he deteriorated. It’s so hard, but after what care homes went through in the first wave I can understand why they’re doing it.

Porcupineinwaiting · 27/10/2020 20:04

Another one who thinks that a hospice setting might be better placed to facilitate your mother's last weeks. So sorry OP.

AnneElliott · 27/10/2020 20:11

So sorry op. Has she been seen by palliative care? My aunt died recently and they were really good and arranged for her to be at home with carers, hospice nurses and pain relief.

Agree also that a hospice is likely to be better for visiting.

Newkitchen123 · 28/10/2020 20:46

@Feellikefrighteningyeah

Gov.uk states you can visit in end of life situations. You can be with your mum . Don't let anyone fob you off

I kicked and screamed at anyone who'd listen when we went through this cos they said end of life visits allowed. By end of life they don't mean weeks they mean days. I had 24 hours

Feellikefrighteningyeah · 28/10/2020 22:03

We are currently visiting MIL at care home. We were allowed to use the conservatory (one visitor per visit) and now since Tier 3, we can talk through an open window.

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