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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to grieve over lost friendship

29 replies

Ambertilley86 · 26/10/2020 19:27

A few weeks ago I had a heated falling out with someone I would consider my best friend. We were both horribly in the wrong; equally so, and it was made worse by the fact that I was really unwell at the time and not so with it due to a cocktail of steroids. I am in no way an a innocent party here; I had a right to be upset which they acknowledged but as I was so unwell I got very very upset. The reason for the argument isn’t really important here.

We left it with them saying they needed time to cool off

I expected them to text when they had cooled down and felt we’d be the good friends I thought we were and walk through it We talk every few days usually.

I’ve heard nothing. For weeks, I suspect this is a signal our friendship is over for good, and I suspect we would struggle to repair the trust now anyway. We had started to drift apart, have different interests and less in common. I think there have been a couple of years of underlying issues festering but I never thought that our friendship would end just that we were suffering poor circumstances

Anyway, onto the reason for this post. I have found myself grieving for this friendship intensely. I feel incredibly sad and find myself looking at other people’s friendships and wondering if I’ll have ever have a close like that friendship again. I am shocked at how much I am saddened by it and even considering therapy. It may be as it’s lock down and I can’t connect with other friends as well, I don’t know. I do have a lovely husband and kids and fun time friends but for years I’ve loved having that go to really close friend.

I am not sure what response I’m after but perhaps some tips on how to move forward or maybe some reassurance that good friendships can be formed after 35? I’m not sure we can repair our friendship now, but I guess like when you break up from a guy you think you’ll never meet the one again.

OP posts:
eatsleepread · 26/10/2020 19:30

Hi. Aww, sorry to hear this. Thanks
I could be wrong, but it sounds like you have taken a back seat, by expecting her to get in touch with you. More than enough time has passed for you to be able to contact her, with a 'thinking of you' message or similar.
Really hope you can get your friendship back on track.

user1471447924 · 26/10/2020 19:31

Have you contacted your friend to speak to him or her? What if they’re sitting at home feeling the sane way you are? Worth a try!

Original poster
Ambertilley86 · 26/10/2020 19:33

Thanks for your reply

No I haven’t contacted them because it was left very clearly that they didn’t want me to contact them as they wanted to cool off. I think that’s partly why I’m so sad too - I would of hoped they’d of even just text to say sorry but no more.

OP posts:
user1471447924 · 26/10/2020 19:36

Ok, though I think if this were me I might still try, particularly as you say it’s now been several weeks. You’ve nothing to lose by making the first move and sending a card or something, even if you don’t get any response, at least you’ll know you did your best.

NoProbLlamaa · 26/10/2020 19:40

You are sad that your friend hasn’t contacted you - but aren’t willing to contact them? If this friendship means so much then swallow your pride and take the first step.

They could be thinking exactly the same thing.

WelcomeToManderley · 26/10/2020 19:42

I had the same, we both acted like twats but she went one further and sent me the most vile message I had ever received after I took a few days to cool off.

It honestly hurt more than any heartbreak I had ever experienced romantically and I missed her daily for around a year. Then one day I came to the realisation that we were actually incredibly different people who should probably never have even been friends, we met when we were both in desperate situations but we shared the same sense of humour which masked a lot of her bad qualities.

I get what you’re saying about never meeting someone like them again - we laughed a lot and I don’t think I have ever laughed so hard with anyone since BUT I have friends who actually, genuinely care about me now.

Time is a great healer OP Flowers

throwaway100000 · 26/10/2020 19:44

I think you have written it off too quickly. Why do they have to message you first? You’re equally able to message her and apologise, it’s not her responsibility. If you want to save this friendship, put the effort in.

OrigamiOwl · 26/10/2020 19:45

You need to make the first move. Neither of you are blameless in this and if you want to repair the bridges you need to contact her.

sooqpuas · 26/10/2020 19:45

Text your friend.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 26/10/2020 19:46

Contact them.

WinWinnieTheWay · 26/10/2020 19:47

Not all friendships are forever, but you have every right to grieve that it's over.

Original poster
Ambertilley86 · 26/10/2020 19:49

The reason I haven’t contacted is because they asked me to leave them to cool off. When I did text (ie. I did message as suggested and try to repair) they said to leave them to cool off till they contacted me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ambertilley86 · 26/10/2020 19:50

@WelcomeToManderley Thankyou that does help a lot to know I’m not alone or silly for feeling so sad about it

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 26/10/2020 19:52

If you had a heated argument then it’s quite possible that they have forgotten that they were supposed to make first contact.
It seems you are more willing to walk away than to even just do minimum effort of texting

EatPrayYoga · 26/10/2020 19:52

I agree you should text your friend before getting too deep into this grief you say you are feeling.

Even if they said they wanted to cool off they might not be any to make the same move.

TheTrollFairy · 26/10/2020 19:53

Cords post...
I would still text one last time before you give up on the friendship

MiddleClassProblem · 26/10/2020 19:54

I think if it’s been a few weeks since they asked to cool off, I think you’re getting close to the point when you can check in. I wouldn’t write the friendship off just yet.

sooqpuas · 26/10/2020 19:54

Only you know if the friendship is worth trying to salvage, and that's only going to happen if one of you makes the first move.

Leaannb · 26/10/2020 19:55

@user1471447924

Have you contacted your friend to speak to him or her? What if they’re sitting at home feeling the sane way you are? Worth a try!
She needs to respect her friend who told her to give her space. She asked for space so its time to give her space. Its not up to OP to decide when her friend has had enough space. Her friend will contact her when or if she is ever ready
Original poster
Ambertilley86 · 26/10/2020 20:00

Thankyou this has given me a lot to think about 💕

OP posts:
tigger001 · 26/10/2020 20:08

"If your heart hurts a little after letting go of someone that's ok, it just means your feelings were genuine. No one likes ends. And no one likes pain. But sometimes we have to put things that were once good to an end after they turn toxic to our well being. Not every new beginning is meant to last forever. And not every person that walks into your life is meant to stay "

In this case, you could message them to say, "I know you wanted space, but I just wanted to check you are ok and see if you are ready to talk it through."
You can then know you did enough to try.

From experience, I don't think the relationship will ever get back to where it was, and I do believe the above statement, I do think certain people come into your life who are not meant to stay, you each have something the other needs at that stage in their lives, but once that has passed, you see them for them, and see things that you don't have in common and you drift. And that's ok.

It's ok to be sad and yearn for a similar relationship, but don't try and replace it, just deal with thus ending,

mistermagpie · 26/10/2020 20:13

I had a big falling out with my best friend of about four years and I totally know how you feel. It's worse than a break up in a way.

In our situation we were both in the wrong, same as you, we lived together and she did something shitty and then I did something shitty by moving out without really discussing it properly with her (I didn't leave her in the lurch financially or anything but I should have talked to her).

We both cooled off and then about a year later, got back in touch. I honestly can't even remember who made the first move, it seems so irrelevant now. It took time but we became friends again and actually now are closer than ever before. This was all about 18 years ago, so imagine the depth and breadth of friendship we could have thrown away.

Part of it was that we had drifted and didn't have as much in common, but life changes, people change and now we actually have more in common that we did before.

So don't write it off just yet, and don't sit there waiting for an apology and end up regretting it. We often only see our aide and maybe she doesn't think she needs to apologise.

It's hard to make good friends as an adult but easy to lose them. I would give this one another try. You have got literally nothing to lose by sending her a text message saying you miss her.

Original poster
Ambertilley86 · 26/10/2020 20:14

Thankyou for that @tigger001 that absolutely means the world and I have screen shotted

I certainly will consider sending that message when I don’t feel so sad and teary as nothing good could come from a conversation right now where I feel so emotional xx

OP posts:
MissMissICantDoThis · 26/10/2020 20:15

I found myself in a similar position 4 years ago. I confronted over my BF about something and their response to this made me fly off the handle.

Said person dd not get in contact. When I tried to reach out, I was hit with a flood of accusations that went back years so clear that she had the opinion for ages while calling me every day and making out everything was fine. It was clear that dhe did not want to resolve anything.

I did struggle immensely. It consumed my thoughts for a year. I blamed myself for the falling out and due to things she said in subsequent conversations, I began to question my whole character to the point that I stopped trusting myself to socialise thinking that I was not socially aware. I ended up seeking therapy after a Christmas where I isolated myself away from everyone.

Through this, I realised that although I should never have lost my temper, my reasons for confronting my BF were very valid. Her treatment of me had been bad for a long time and her reaction to me raising it was dismissive and accusatory. On top of this, she showed no desire to resolve, only to accuse.

Therapy helped me pick myself up and I ended up making a huge life decision which has changed my whole life for the better.

Going forward I now have a new social circle. I am much more guarded but I have what I would call a close friend who I speak to almost daily but I have no expectations of the friendship to last and as such it has no power over me.

AlwaysCheddar · 26/10/2020 20:17

Contact her, open the door to communicate and take it from there.