Why don't people like me?

[jessicagrace1972]

Before covid I hosted a client event with another female colleague, the clients were mainly people who we hadn't met previously, mainly female, all about our age- mid to late 30s.

My colleague and I stood by the door of the venue to greet each person as they entered the building, as each person approached us I noticed that they immediately beelined to my colleague, not making eye contact with me, they knew two people were hosting the event and at one point another colleague stood with us, people greeted her too, assuming she was a co-host but again not me.

My colleague and I are both a similar height, fairly attractive but could both probably do with losing a bit over a stone. The big difference in our appearance is that she is blonde, I am mixed race, a quarter African so more Eva Longoria colour than Halle Berry for want of a better comparison, ever so slightly dark skinned.

Looking back throughout my life this is not an isolated experience. If I go out for dinner with a friend a waiter/waitress will always talk to whoever I'm with over me (all my friend are white), at the school gate parents aren't drawn to me etc. etc.

This isn't to do with my personality, people tend to ignore me before I've even spoken, I've racked my brains to think of what I do wrong, whether it's the way I hold myself and body language, facial expressions, my clothes, sexism but it's not, both males and females take the same approach, I dress well, wear makeup and generally take pride in my appearance. It can only be down to the colour of my skin!

Am I alone? Does anyone else of my skin colour experience this? My husband says I look too 'white' to be discriminated against! Can anyone relate? It's really getting me down.

[rainkeepsfallingdown]

@martysouth

It's really interesting how quick people are to tell OP that it's not racism.

Because a lot of us who aren't white have experienced racism, and know that not everything bad that happens to us is a result of racism. More details are needed before making such a jump!

[MiddleClassProblem]

Agreed with @rainkeepsfallingdown.

This is not about one incident. It always happens in restaurants to OP.

Please don’t tell POCs that our experiences of racism are not relevant. If you are a POC yourself I can’t understand you saying this as you would know what it’s like.

OP is asking for opinions.

[Cadent]

How do you know @martysouth isn’t a ‘POC’?

[MiddleClassProblem]

No one is saying they’re not

[Cadent]

I’m just saying I agree I with Marty that people are quick to tell OP it’s not racism.

[Yeahnahmum]

Way to pull the race card straight away...

You might just have resting bitch face
Or a body language that isnot very inviting. Maybe BO. Too good looking? Angry face? Giving off get away from me vibes?Or god knows what else.

your skincolour is "Eva Longoria colour" ... come on op. You could pass for white if you didn't tell your racial background. So stop making this about the color of your skin and start looking (and asking! !) For answers.. start by asking your colleague and your friends. .

[SharonasCorona]

I’m very fair skinned Pakistani but I’m very obviously not Caucasian and have been treated differently due my race. @Yeahnahmum

[thecatsthecats]

@martysouth

Yes people are giving their personal opinions about their own situations. But:

1. Why think of other explanations and relate them to your own situation? Why not just think about the OP and the OPs situation?
2. If you weren't there and/or you are white how on earth would you be able to judge whether racism is involved or not?

As I said before, I find it odd that people are determined to give reasons why this could not be racism. Why not just accept someone else's experience instead of trying to convince them their hunch is wrong.

Racism exists whether you like it or not and nice, tolerant, kind women can be racist even if they don't 'mean' to be. Stop trying to think of other explanations.

But it's not binary.

For race to be the reason, it would have to be the reason for everyone. There will be a mix of reasons.

The white people ignoring OP can't all be racist - they will have POC friends and family members, and they STILL aren't approaching OP. Which might overlap with other people being racist, but doesn't mean it's the sole factor.

I am spectacularly bad at identifying the more "marginal" mixed race people anyway. I was genuinely surprised in Suits when Rachel's father showed up as black. To my husband, it was obvious, apparently.

But body language is a lot more universal.

[MiddleClassProblem]

The white people ignoring OP can't all be racist - they will have POC friends and family members, and they STILL aren't approaching OP.

This doesn’t mean they are not racist. My SMIL is the prime example...

[Hesnotlocal]

Race may be just one of a number of factors leading to people approaching the OPs friends rather than her.

I know that I often don't come across as the most approachable person (resting bitch face + not great at reading social queues + taller than average + who knows what). However, I have lost count of the number of work related meetings/events (in a male dominated industry) where people have overlooked me to speak to a male colleague/addressed questions and comments to my male colleague/s. Just because I don't give off smiley approachable vibes all the time does not mean there is not also sexism at play. In fact, I think it makes matters worse- since lots of people expect women to put more effort in to being friendly etc. I suspect something similar could be said for the OP.

[OwlOne]

I think the issue is that all the white people know how often they are ignored, overlooked et cetera

I certainly do. I see it as lookism. If im at a table of 3 others the other three are often better looking and i will get the least amount of eye contact. Such is life.

[IrmaFayLear]

You really need some kind of experiment to diagnose the problem. The OP should hire 20 Eva Longoria lookalikes, host an event, and see if she still gets ignored.

[DTIsOnlyForNow]

Its your attitude, I would think. Anyone who assumes literally everyone they meet is racist even though they don't even look particularly non-white obviously had a serious chip on their shoulder, and that gives off a vibe.

I'm mixed race and no, I don't have this.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Is ours also day as a hostess you need to be first with the greeting, be confident and direct ‘Hi welcome I’m OP, so glad you could make it’ Drinks are on the left, let me take your coat ...