Why don't people like me?

[jessicagrace1972]

Before covid I hosted a client event with another female colleague, the clients were mainly people who we hadn't met previously, mainly female, all about our age- mid to late 30s.

My colleague and I stood by the door of the venue to greet each person as they entered the building, as each person approached us I noticed that they immediately beelined to my colleague, not making eye contact with me, they knew two people were hosting the event and at one point another colleague stood with us, people greeted her too, assuming she was a co-host but again not me.

My colleague and I are both a similar height, fairly attractive but could both probably do with losing a bit over a stone. The big difference in our appearance is that she is blonde, I am mixed race, a quarter African so more Eva Longoria colour than Halle Berry for want of a better comparison, ever so slightly dark skinned.

Looking back throughout my life this is not an isolated experience. If I go out for dinner with a friend a waiter/waitress will always talk to whoever I'm with over me (all my friend are white), at the school gate parents aren't drawn to me etc. etc.

This isn't to do with my personality, people tend to ignore me before I've even spoken, I've racked my brains to think of what I do wrong, whether it's the way I hold myself and body language, facial expressions, my clothes, sexism but it's not, both males and females take the same approach, I dress well, wear makeup and generally take pride in my appearance. It can only be down to the colour of my skin!

Am I alone? Does anyone else of my skin colour experience this? My husband says I look too 'white' to be discriminated against! Can anyone relate? It's really getting me down.

[peboh]

I have a resting bitch face, and it's very rare people approach me if I'm with other people. Usually when they get to know me they say that I'm nothing like they expected on first impressions.
I'd assume it's more body language/facial expressions that being a skin colour thing.

[ScribblingPixie]

"She...had a habit of looking people up and down for too long as if she was judging their appearances! We told her this (she didn't like to hear it and was totally unaware of that staring habit she had btw!)."

I think I do this but I've never understood the difference between looking at people out of interest/politeness and staring. Where do other people look? Do you make a point of not looking at people clothes etc?

[wigglerose]

I can't speak to the race thing. I don't want to dismiss your experience because I'm not mixed-race so can never understand how people react to you (plus we're just strangers on the internet ).

But I sympathise with people not warming to you. I find the same thing. I think I just naturally come across as a bit cold.

[LocalHobo]

op people immediately warm to me but, after meeting me twice, go off me. I would rather have your problem.

[ThatScottishGirl]

Are you underestimating how attractive you are? That could make men and women a bit feel a bit intimidated.

[FlyNow]

I'm white and I've gotten this my whole life. At social events people blank me or walk away. Ignored at work. Trying to get served in a bar - forget it. But in my case it's because I'm not very attractive and you can tell I'm a bit awkward by looking at me. You say you are attractive though so it can't be that. I suppose it could be your skin colour in that case. Is your area multicultural?

[MiddleClassProblem]

Is this mostly based on a specific area or from anywhere you go, you travel about a bit and it’s still the same kind of thing?

[amusedbush]

I have serious resting bitch face. A friend explained to me a while ago that the corners of my mouth are naturally downturned, which I'd never noticed before. It's true though, so I look like I'm frowning when my face is neutral.

I also have Aspergers so my awkwardness comes across as me being aloof. I've learned to really exaggerate my smile and body language when working with the public otherwise I look quite unapproachable.

[TableFlowerss]

Some people have more welcoming body language. They say that body language speaks more than words. It’s probably not even intentional that people gravitate towards someone that seems more approachable.

The fact that you felt put out half way through probably facilitated it more - that people would gravitated to her.

[dreamingbohemian]

OP as soon as I read your post, I knew you would be getting a lot of responses saying it has nothing to do with race. I just want to say that I believe you and you're not crazy. I've seen this happen to people I know so many times, for no good reason.

It's impossible for us sitting here to know what's going on, maybe there are some additional factors at play, but it's really naive to think that racial bias (unconscious or not) couldn't possibly be a reason.

[rainkeepsfallingdown]

I agree with posters that it's unlikely to be your skin colour unless you're based in a village where everyone else is white and they all vote for the BNP. FWIW, I'm also not white - not trying to dismiss your feelings, just challenging whether there might be something else at play.

How well do you know your colleague? Would she be open to a conversation about this, do you think?

I think what you need is some really honest feedback from someone who was actually there and observed first hand what happened - the answer could be yes, it's racism, but it's more likely your body language and/or facial expression - so either way, it's a tough conversation to have. Not all people will be open to having that chat.

If you do ask her for feedback, you should make really clear that you won't take offence, you're just trying to improve. You need to know, so you need to maximise your chances of getting that feedback by trying to make the other person feel as comfortable as possible about opening up.

[workhomesleeprepeat]

I’m mixed so I know how it feels when you’re questioning whether it’s me or my race! But I don’t know if it is in this case as you’ve described-something to do with approachability

Serious question - are you very attractive? I know a pair of sisters (not twins) who run a business together (public facing eventy type stuff) and everyone gravitates to the plainer of the pair, and I think it’s because she looks more approachable. The more attractive sister is very beautiful but in kind of a severe way, and people presume she is aloof and standoffish before they even speak to her!

[workhomesleeprepeat]

But yes just to add (pressed post too soon) as pp have said if you are in a very white area, unfortunately it probably is racial

[FastFood]

It's most likely body language and facial expression OP.

My sis is way more attractive than I am, but people generally are more naturally drawn to me because I look more approachable and my default state is to smile, whereas my sister has more of a (beautiful) resting bitch face.

Our brains are wired to draw quick conclusions in order to avoid danger. A smiling, easy-to-read attitude is just an easy, below-consciousness choice when you have to interact with someone. It makes you feel safe.

[DrDetriment]

Unlikely to be colour. My partner is white and has had this all his life. There is just something about him that seems to put people off engaging with him poor bloke.

[Whatkatiedid389]

I'm not very popular and hardly have any friends, people think i'm 'nice' but not interested in close friendship, same at work, hardly anyone talks to me.
Don't quite understand why but just wanted to say you're not alone, and I understand how you feel.

[DM1209]

I'm Indian but light skinned and green eyes. I have never not been addressed, just out of basic manners if not anything else.

I'm also outwardly very approachable. I will smile, make eye contact and put my hand out to greet people.

I genuinely believe if my body language was different, people wouldn't approach me but I think that has nothing to do with race and everything to do with how you project yourself.

Are you approachable OP? We read body language as humans before words even come out, I too would gravitate towards someone that is 'open' to receiving me rather than not.

I do not believe that humanity has fallen so low that as a woman of colour, you would purposely not be addressed for that reason.

[OwlOne]

Most people are a bit like deer in the headlights when they meet somebody very attractive for the first time, if they seem unable to look at you it's 99 times more likely that it's because they can't look at your teeth (example) or because they see a WALL coming from you. ie, your energy is not connection it's disconnection.

Although to elaborate on that, it has to be an insouciant openness to connection!

[thepeopleversuswork]

I'm white so possibly not qualified to comment on the racial perception point.

But my general comment would be that the one thing people overwhelmingly respond to is confidence. If you are happy and comfortable with yourself you will be a magnet to others. Being stereotypically attractive and well-groomed helps a bit. But confidence and self-assurance are 80% of it.

I don't know what the fastest way to gain this is: counselling might help but I realise it isn't a quick fix. But I think its possible to get into a negative feedback loop where you start fixating on your own perceived lack of attractiveness and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I'm prepared to bet that some counselling, some positive affirmation and a bit of perspective would help this.

[Spongebobsquarefringe]

I’m white from Irish genes which is relevant because I’m very pale I don’t tan, I go red and back to pretty much see through skin tone. I am kind, caring, compassionate, will help others at the drop of a hat however I have the biggest resting bitch face, I look like a miserable old trout just because of how my face sits, quite a few people talk to me now but were terrified of me before because I look moany or whatever. I do have an air of confidence/authority in speech and writing so people will be cautious. Take me as you find me, under the tough exterior I’m alright I suppose lol

[JaneJeffer]

If I have to ask for directions I will gauge who I think is most likely to be helpful by their body language.

[OnceUponAnEnzyme]

@Mochudubh

I have resting bitch-face too. I sometimes catch sight of some random woman in a shop window and think "what a moody-looking cow" then realise it's my own reflection!

Are you me?

[MynephewR]

People always gravitate towards me and I constantly get random strangers wanting to chat with me, I think I must look really approachable and friendly. I don't actually want to talk to strangers and generally like to be left alone. I also feel under pressure in social situations where people just expect me to be chatty, friendly and comfortable with leading the conversation. I wish I had a resting bitch face

[Eckhart]

If you're concerned about giving a welcoming impression, people may sense the concern. Your colleague may just be naturally more personable, but that's not a negative judgement on you. Perhaps you look ABSOLUTELY STUNNING, and people are intimidated.

I think assuming it's a skin colour thing is a bit of a leap. There's so much that goes into first impressions, from the way you're dressed, the expression on your face, whether you most accurately represent what they expected they would see, right through to pheromones and chemistry.

I imagine there will have been other events when you have been the first pick of the strangers, but we don't notice that in the same way we notice rejection.

[Cheeseandwin5]

My view is that the problem doesn't lay with you but the decades of ingrained prejudice that ppl have been exposed to.
I am sure if you spoke to these ppl they would be delightful and insist they don't have a racist bone in their body, but these unconscious views are instilled within and they act accordingly.
Whilst distressing, I would try not to get to upset by it (if thats possible), you are helping change minds, so future don't suffer such biase, its really all you can do.