Why don't people like me?

[jessicagrace1972]

Before covid I hosted a client event with another female colleague, the clients were mainly people who we hadn't met previously, mainly female, all about our age- mid to late 30s.

My colleague and I stood by the door of the venue to greet each person as they entered the building, as each person approached us I noticed that they immediately beelined to my colleague, not making eye contact with me, they knew two people were hosting the event and at one point another colleague stood with us, people greeted her too, assuming she was a co-host but again not me.

My colleague and I are both a similar height, fairly attractive but could both probably do with losing a bit over a stone. The big difference in our appearance is that she is blonde, I am mixed race, a quarter African so more Eva Longoria colour than Halle Berry for want of a better comparison, ever so slightly dark skinned.

Looking back throughout my life this is not an isolated experience. If I go out for dinner with a friend a waiter/waitress will always talk to whoever I'm with over me (all my friend are white), at the school gate parents aren't drawn to me etc. etc.

This isn't to do with my personality, people tend to ignore me before I've even spoken, I've racked my brains to think of what I do wrong, whether it's the way I hold myself and body language, facial expressions, my clothes, sexism but it's not, both males and females take the same approach, I dress well, wear makeup and generally take pride in my appearance. It can only be down to the colour of my skin!

Am I alone? Does anyone else of my skin colour experience this? My husband says I look too 'white' to be discriminated against! Can anyone relate? It's really getting me down.

[Eckhart]

@Marmunia1975

OP hasn't questioned whether her skin colour stops her from being beautiful.

[ShalomToYouJackie]

i don’t know it’s probably because you’re ugly. i can’t relate because i’m really sexy and popular.🤤😍

sucks to be you x

@milfinthehouse half term got you bored already?

[thepeopleversuswork]

milfinthehouse what the fuck?

[thecatsthecats]

@darthbreakz

I love how for everyone it couldn't possibly be racism.

I think ethnic ambiguity (if that's applicable to you) can make it doifficult for people to sterotype you (and we love to stereotype - especially women).

But this "not being taken as the professional" shit is something Black and Brown people have to deal with all the time.

I love how you've reworded what a lot of people have said.

I'm not sure if anybody has said it CAN'T be racism, but at the very least what most people have related - including POC - is that some people are more appealing than others.

Race might be a factor - and may well be for some. But it does interest me that OP doesn't mention if other POC treat her the same way. It's hard to believe all the clients are white, or that they come from purely white friend and family groups.

Incidentally, although I find that a lot of people are put off me by resting bitch face, I find POC men are a lot more likely to hit on me than white men. Especially when my hair is dyed red. So the face that white men don't fancy/find approachable maybe doesn't give the same vibes to POC.

(if you ask me to think of a warm looking person, my first thought is Nicola Adams - she has the most beautiful smile)

[MiddleClassProblem]

As a POC as I said on the first page, I see this as a body language thing because op said when eating out that waiters and waitress ALWAYS do this to her.

The only way I can see that being about the colour of her skin is if she is only talking about one particular area and it’s bigoted area where the vast majority of people are racist.

If OP is talking about eating out in different places, where ever she goes, I think for it to be racial it’s bloody unlucky.

I lived in an area where I was ignored regularly by shop workers due to my skin colour but it was definitely not something that happened with every shop and not in restaurants either.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

@MiddleClassProblem

As a POC as I said on the first page, I see this as a body language thing because op said when eating out that waiters and waitress ALWAYS do this to her.

The only way I can see that being about the colour of her skin is if she is only talking about one particular area and it’s bigoted area where the vast majority of people are racist.

If OP is talking about eating out in different places, where ever she goes, I think for it to be racial it’s bloody unlucky.

I lived in an area where I was ignored regularly by shop workers due to my skin colour but it was definitely not something that happened with every shop and not in restaurants either.

That is well put and logical.

[ReneeRol]

I can't speak for whether race is an issue with the people you're around. I can only say from my own experience, that people respond to me very differently depending on what mood I'm in. Everybody's friendly and approaches me when I'm happy and smiling. When I'm irritated, they'll swerve. I think I just have very readable emotions and a bitchface when I'm not smiling.

It's possible people are reacting to your demeanour. They may not be able to read you or maybe they find your demeanour intimidating. If you're feeling anxious about how others are perceiving you, you may put up a wall to protect yourself and others might read that as a warning to stay away.

Try smiling, looking approachable and happy, see how that works. If people are still ignoring you, then it may be a racial issue.

[aintnothinbutagstring]

I don't know really, I'm white but my DH is black and my DC mixed race. My DD is very sociable and has lots of friends of all ethnicities (we're in a very diverse area), I'd say basically she has the 'gift of the gab'
When she started secondary, she didn't know a single soul but she told me she approached fellow year 7s just walking down the street to school, usually with some sort of piece of information like 'oh I heard you've got an older sister' type of thing. And she's a jokey, giggly sort of person so doesn't take things too seriously. She really surprises me as I'm not a social person at all so I don't know where she gets it from. But being chatty helps! At least the other person feels more at ease, like there won't be awkward silences. My DH is also better at winning people over than me, he has a sort of jokey manner so even if the other person starts off serious, he'll soon have them laughing along. Try reading 'how to win friends and influence people', it's quite old, many of the tips very very basic but often things we overlook.

[Gwenhwyfar]

@Storyoftonight

This thread is fascinating. I find it odd that the most likely theories are race or being too attractive!

I think most have actually been about body language.

Race and attractiveness have been mentioned because those were mentioned by OP.

[mrwalkensir]

not sure about race, but seem to remember that there were studies where people in supermarkets (both male and female) always massively favoured blonde checkout staff? Might be less of an issue now that half the population are bleached blondes, but in the 70s and 80s...

[VampireVicki]

From your description of yourself OP I doubt this is a racism issue. It does sound like either Resting Bitch Face or a similar body language problem.

My SIL has RBF and it really does put people off talking to her or approaching her - she looks quite scary!!

[cushioncovers]

I would say it's more to do with body language. Most of us can naturally pick up on body language very quickly even if we don't realise we've done it. Even small children and animals can do it.

[SharonasCorona]

OP, I'm Asian and this often happens to me too. No idea what it is but a few times new colleagues / acquaintances have been cold to me at first, but then sometimes they do get warmer. It does make me wonder what it is that initially makes them standoffish with me. I'm very warm and friendly to everyone but this does make me withdraw into myself at times. Then I get a lovely smile from random women/children/old men and a friendly hello and that makes me think it's not me so I fee better

[Hkyvvse]

I think this is interesting- I have two blonde haired blue eyed children and one brunette brown eyed and strangers have always gravitated towards the blondes more. They are all equally charming and engaging. I really noticed it with my daughter who has an English rose look where as I look Celtic and was a bit baffled

[itsgettingcoldoutside]

Hi op. I often get ignored. And blend into the background. My mil says that normally those who are quiet tend to get left out.

[grassisjeweled]

Same here. I've been told I look snooty and unapproachable which also has its uses tbh! But then people get to know me and realise I'm a total pushover, like a friendly puppy really

[12309845653ghydrvj]

I think race is defiantly a possible element, but body language and how you dress is huge too. My experiences are London, so definitely not representative of whole of the UK. Not discounting that race may be an element (and may be the primary reason with some of these people) but if you’re finding it’s almost everyone then there’s something else too.

It’s not about attractiveness, it’s about radiating warmth. I’m naturally extremely friendly, smiley and emotive through my whole body, so I always find in that situation that I am the helper who gets approached. A colleague of mine is Eastern European, stunningly beautiful, gorgeous long hair, amazing clothes—yet the guests will go speak to sweaty, chubby me instead because I give off a different vibe. A friend of mine (f, 30s, black African) is the most naturally charismatic person I’ve ever met—if you see her at a work event, she ends up with a circle around her in seconds. Just radiates fun, warmth and a list for life. Another female friend (e30s f, black African) is way more beautiful and glamorously dressed, but avoided like the plague because she gives of bitch vibes. She comes across arrogant and prickly.

I’ve noticed that I get treated hugely different in shops since masks—because nobody can see how smiley I am. I’m the kind of person who smiles and makes eye contact with everyone I pass, and I feel this impacts all my interactions.

Could you try a social experiment? Go into different e.g. shops and try totally different personas. If you pass someone, make eye contact and smile and give a little nod. Make a huge effort and try a few times, see if it gets a different reaction?

[OwlOne]

I didnt think it was race either because i have felt and been ignored or had the least attention in any group my whole life.

People are basic. They're drawn to the most attractive and most charismatic in any group. This is established in seconds.

[martysouth]

It's really interesting how quick people are to tell OP that it's not racism.

[nestisflown]

I would pay to have a body language expert examine you OP- there’ll be unwelcoming body language or emotional vibes you are subconsciously giving off.

I’m black and haven’t had this issue despite often being in all white spaces due to where I was raised and the industry I work in.

However, I love meeting new people so I’m very welcoming, smiley etc. I also assume new people love meeting me too so that must give me confidence. In other settings where I’m not so confident (I.e an all male boardroom)- I’ve had a similar experience to you. The lack of social confidence must change my body language.

[Mumoftwo1994]

@jessicagrace1972

Before covid I hosted a client event with another female colleague, the clients were mainly people who we hadn't met previously, mainly female, all about our age- mid to late 30s.

My colleague and I stood by the door of the venue to greet each person as they entered the building, as each person approached us I noticed that they immediately beelined to my colleague, not making eye contact with me, they knew two people were hosting the event and at one point another colleague stood with us, people greeted her too, assuming she was a co-host but again not me.

My colleague and I are both a similar height, fairly attractive but could both probably do with losing a bit over a stone. The big difference in our appearance is that she is blonde, I am mixed race, a quarter African so more Eva Longoria colour than Halle Berry for want of a better comparison, ever so slightly dark skinned.

Looking back throughout my life this is not an isolated experience. If I go out for dinner with a friend a waiter/waitress will always talk to whoever I'm with over me (all my friend are white), at the school gate parents aren't drawn to me etc. etc.

This isn't to do with my personality, people tend to ignore me before I've even spoken, I've racked my brains to think of what I do wrong, whether it's the way I hold myself and body language, facial expressions, my clothes, sexism but it's not, both males and females take the same approach, I dress well, wear makeup and generally take pride in my appearance. It can only be down to the colour of my skin!

Am I alone? Does anyone else of my skin colour experience this? My husband says I look too 'white' to be discriminated against! Can anyone relate? It's really getting me down.

It could potentially be race related but I seriously hope not, I'm white so can't judge the feeling but I feel the same way.
But I know that I look miserable unless someone be makes me laugh, my face is just like that but if I smile it looks awkward or fake, I can't win so just do you and try your best.
It's all you can do.

[Cadent]

@martysouth

It's really interesting how quick people are to tell OP that it's not racism.

💯

[IrmaFayLear]

But these are just personal opinions, and people here are saying that what draws or repels them is, overwhelmingly, a friendly or unfriendly demeanour. And posters are admitting that their own naturally grumpy or cross expression doesn’t do them any favours socially.

Of course there are racists, but in the situations the OP describes, it seems from the information given that she is somehow not coming across as welcoming or friendly.

If I were OP, I’d ask your dh to take some photos of you/film when you’re not posing for the camera/in front of a mirror. I was horrified how miserable I look when not doing my “best face”.

[cushioncovers]

Well I'm obese with a resting bitch face so I'm practically invisible to most people unless I make a real effort to push myself forward in a social setting.

[martysouth]

Yes people are giving their personal opinions about their own situations. But:

1. Why think of other explanations and relate them to your own situation? Why not just think about the OP and the OPs situation?
2. If you weren't there and/or you are white how on earth would you be able to judge whether racism is involved or not?

As I said before, I find it odd that people are determined to give reasons why this could not be racism. Why not just accept someone else's experience instead of trying to convince them their hunch is wrong.

Racism exists whether you like it or not and nice, tolerant, kind women can be racist even if they don't 'mean' to be. Stop trying to think of other explanations.