Why don't people like me?

[jessicagrace1972]

Before covid I hosted a client event with another female colleague, the clients were mainly people who we hadn't met previously, mainly female, all about our age- mid to late 30s.

My colleague and I stood by the door of the venue to greet each person as they entered the building, as each person approached us I noticed that they immediately beelined to my colleague, not making eye contact with me, they knew two people were hosting the event and at one point another colleague stood with us, people greeted her too, assuming she was a co-host but again not me.

My colleague and I are both a similar height, fairly attractive but could both probably do with losing a bit over a stone. The big difference in our appearance is that she is blonde, I am mixed race, a quarter African so more Eva Longoria colour than Halle Berry for want of a better comparison, ever so slightly dark skinned.

Looking back throughout my life this is not an isolated experience. If I go out for dinner with a friend a waiter/waitress will always talk to whoever I'm with over me (all my friend are white), at the school gate parents aren't drawn to me etc. etc.

This isn't to do with my personality, people tend to ignore me before I've even spoken, I've racked my brains to think of what I do wrong, whether it's the way I hold myself and body language, facial expressions, my clothes, sexism but it's not, both males and females take the same approach, I dress well, wear makeup and generally take pride in my appearance. It can only be down to the colour of my skin!

Am I alone? Does anyone else of my skin colour experience this? My husband says I look too 'white' to be discriminated against! Can anyone relate? It's really getting me down.

[PerfidiousAlbion]

Some people attract others like bees to honey, others repel like magnets. I call it the radiator effect. Some have it, some dont.

It sounds like you’re a repeller unfortunately.

It’s very unfair and there’s not a lot you can do about it beyond trying to be more friendly / approachable (smiling), open and warm (listening skills).

I have a few friends like this and it’s fascinating to watch people flock to them. Theyre not particularly beautiful but they are captivating.

Another word for it is charisma. Some people just have it.

[Ingridla]

I get this. Without sounding like an arsehole I'm quite attractive but as I've got older I've noticed if I'm scruffy with no make up I'm invisible but if I'm made up & dressed well I'm still very much passed up as someone to talk with for anyone else in social situations.

I'm almost certain I have a bit of a RBF but as I've gotten older I couldn't give a crap mostly.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

I wondered as I read this if you stood on the left side of the door? Most people gravitate to the right, especially in shops (there’s been studies)

Perhaps you could alternate where you stand?

[BobbinThreadbare123]

I have RBF and ASD. A magical combo indeed. I hear you, OP. I also work in an industry which is almost entirely male and therefore they assume I cannot possibly be in charge or approached for any questions etc.

[Coriandersucks]

I have the same thing with a work colleague and we have been told we could be sisters in terms of looks.

People always gravitate towards her however and that’s because she is naturally warm, engaging, huge smile, got the right words to say in the right situations etc. I in the other hand am awkward, a bit shy, have to force being charming so it’s very obvious which one of us has ‘got it’.

It’s shit but probably not much you can do - except don’t stand so near to your colleague!

[Buggritbuggrit]

I am so sorry you've experienced this! I think there are lots of factors that could be at play: attitude, 'energy' (for want of a better term - some people have a really positive energy), and all sorts of other little intangibles. However, it could also be race. Unconscious bias and related micro aggressions are very real and very hurtful. It must be horrible to deal with.

I am Black and this has never been an issue for me, personally. More the opposite, really. I'm very smiley, of above average attractiveness (which is a bit cringe to say, but I think relevant here) and quite well put together. And, for most of my life, people have tended to really like me.

However, I am from a Black country and currently live and primarily work in central London. I am very aware that I might have different experiences in less multicultural/cosmopolitan areas. I have heard some rather depressing stories.

[CSIblonde]

I think it's down to body language & smiling. Both make you seem more approachable. People at work always told me I looked approachable , because I was 'smiley'. I'd find a work colleague who has the vibe you want & study their body language & what they say etc & in general & see if that helps. I used to be very unconfident, as I never learnt social skills as a teen, but I started copying a very social, extrovert friend & it really helped massively.

[areyoubeingserviced]

Unconscious bias is a thing. It may be your race combined with the fact that you may not seem to be approachable
When my dcs were at school there was one woman who had a resting bitch face and was not approachable. Our dcs became good friends and so therefore, I had to interact with her. She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met, but her demeanour was off putting

[thecatsthecats]

@Eckhart

If you're concerned about giving a welcoming impression, people may sense the concern. Your colleague may just be naturally more personable, but that's not a negative judgement on you. Perhaps you look ABSOLUTELY STUNNING, and people are intimidated.

I think assuming it's a skin colour thing is a bit of a leap. There's so much that goes into first impressions, from the way you're dressed, the expression on your face, whether you most accurately represent what they expected they would see, right through to pheromones and chemistry.

I imagine there will have been other events when you have been the first pick of the strangers, but we don't notice that in the same way we notice rejection.

Indeed, the 'here we go again' feeling OP might get when thinking she's being ignored may well radiate off her, unintentionally pushing people further away.

I've seen people get to the stage where their base assumption of other people being indifferent to them that they adopt a sort of Uriah Heap persona, apologising for even existing in a way that is a huge deterrent.

And if it sounds like I'm criticising OP - I too can be a people deterrent!

I find it particularly pronounced at supermarkets:

Person before me in the queue and till attendant: Chatting away like there's no tomorrow.
Me when it's my turn: Hi!
Till attendant: Emotionally flatlines.

I've learned, like others, to over exaggerate my friendliness when I need someone's attention.

[Chickenandrice]

Is it possible you are more attractive than you realise and people a bit intimidated and prefer girl next door more approachable?

[PuppyMonkey]

I’m white so wouldn’t be able to comment on your experience OP, you may well have a point that it’s a bit of casual racism. It reminds me of those stories recently of the black QC who kept getting mistaken for the defendant at the court she worked at.

I’m rubbish at making a good first impression. I’m a bit icy and quiet and nervous, plus I hate my squeaky voice and don’t feel confident doing the big “hello and welcome!” introduction that you need in the business networking situation you describe OP. And the more I know how crap I am at it, the more crap I am at it.

Can I just also say I hate when people say resting bitch face. The original expression was bitchy resting face, which makes so much more sense.

Glad I got that off my chest.

[Limpid]

@dreamingbohemian

OP as soon as I read your post, I knew you would be getting a lot of responses saying it has nothing to do with race. I just want to say that I believe you and you're not crazy. I've seen this happen to people I know so many times, for no good reason.

It's impossible for us sitting here to know what's going on, maybe there are some additional factors at play, but it's really naive to think that racial bias (unconscious or not) couldn't possibly be a reason.

I agree with this. It's perfectly possible your race is a factor, alas, depending on where you are. When I (white and Irish) was living in a particular part of rural England, I was regularly on the receiving end of microaggressions related to my nationality. Other people's prejudices and ignorance, obviously, but it's no help to recognise it as other people's problem when all you want to do is function normally within an environment.

[HelloDulling]

Were the clients all white? Sounds like racism to me. Internalised racism, but still. They head to the person they recognise as the host they identify with the most when they arrive in a place full of strangers.

One question though: when they arrive, do you smile, make eye contact, move towards them? If you are hosting, you should.

[LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus]

I experience similar, as does my mum. I actually think we are on the autistic spectrum and is to do with our non verbal communication, or lack of it!

[Jimdandy]

@honeylulu I could have written your post! I’m the same!

[Tunnocks34]

I couldn’t possibly say. It’s not something I experience and I am Pakistani - but pale Pakistani, so similar in colour to jameela Jamil

[oakleaffy]

It is probably facial expression..?
In the past I did a fair amount of 'Group work' amongst strangers, and it was very telling, the first few nanoseconds about whom you felt drawn to.
No words even spoken.

I used to get told by Builders to ''Cheer up love'' so probably have ''RBF'' too. :)

[JSCM]

Are you waiting for people to come to you? Maybe do the approaching. I used to stand back (nursery years) but now I throw myself in and it's paid off with lovely friendships/acquintences.

[doadeer]

Hmmm are all the people attending white? That must be very demoralising for you... Though it can be unpleasant when everyone does gravitate to you also... Do you have a smiley face?

[MissLucyEyelesbarrow]

Like other PPs, I'm white and would never want to discount racism or say that it is not the cause of what you are experiencing - only that it might not be (or at least might not be the whole issue), as I have known this happen to white people too.

Do you have a trusted friend or colleague who might give you some honest but constructive feedback on how you come across?

[MiriamMargo]

I am the opposite, I am the one people gravitate to, I am white, 4/5 stone overweight 50+ woman. I dont wear make up, my hair is naturally grey, but I am confident and smiley to people I think its our facial expressions that draw people.

[Legseleven1990]

My guess is its resting bitch face. I'm the same. Can't help it, its just my face. When I overcompensate with extra smiling, I look a bit manic so I can't win.

[BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze]

I hope you’re wrong OP. 😔 But unfortunately there are still a lot of racist people around. It’s understandable it gets you down. I’m white so I haven’t experienced it myself but I do have a relative who is mixed race who has. I know how it makes them feel and it makes me very sad. Just sorry you have to deal with that shit.

[Inthemane]

Sorry if this is off the point but men telling women to cheer up is
an easy way to get your attention and reinforce their power over you by telling you what to do.

How often do you see women telling men to cheer up? Deconstruct the idea of Resting Bitch Face and it's just your face in repose - I don't think there's an equivalent for men, as they are allowed to look unfriendly/unhappy/neutral etc.

[Serin]

My DH is like this, he is the sweetest, kindest , funniest person but OMG does his face say differently!
He absolutely glowers at people and looks quite angry most of the time.
It comes in quite handy at work (teacher) and he has very little behavioural problems from his class (or their parents!!).
He even gets voted "most popular teacher" quite regularly.