Why don't people like me?

[jessicagrace1972]

Before covid I hosted a client event with another female colleague, the clients were mainly people who we hadn't met previously, mainly female, all about our age- mid to late 30s.

My colleague and I stood by the door of the venue to greet each person as they entered the building, as each person approached us I noticed that they immediately beelined to my colleague, not making eye contact with me, they knew two people were hosting the event and at one point another colleague stood with us, people greeted her too, assuming she was a co-host but again not me.

My colleague and I are both a similar height, fairly attractive but could both probably do with losing a bit over a stone. The big difference in our appearance is that she is blonde, I am mixed race, a quarter African so more Eva Longoria colour than Halle Berry for want of a better comparison, ever so slightly dark skinned.

Looking back throughout my life this is not an isolated experience. If I go out for dinner with a friend a waiter/waitress will always talk to whoever I'm with over me (all my friend are white), at the school gate parents aren't drawn to me etc. etc.

This isn't to do with my personality, people tend to ignore me before I've even spoken, I've racked my brains to think of what I do wrong, whether it's the way I hold myself and body language, facial expressions, my clothes, sexism but it's not, both males and females take the same approach, I dress well, wear makeup and generally take pride in my appearance. It can only be down to the colour of my skin!

Am I alone? Does anyone else of my skin colour experience this? My husband says I look too 'white' to be discriminated against! Can anyone relate? It's really getting me down.

[Newfornow]

I think this is more about posture, body language and if you think you are being overlooked, it emanates.

[SchadenfreudePersonified]

What side of the door were you on?

There is a tendency in right-handed people (who are in the majority) to turn/take notice of what is on the right of them.

And if one person turns to the right, the one behind is likely to, too.

I read a whole load of papers on this subject when I did my psychology module, but it was umpteen years ago, and I can't remember who by, and am too lazy to google . . .

[Grapewrath]

I’m white but it happens to me. I think it’s an attractive vs unattractive thing personally. As a teenager I was fairly confident and didn’t worry about my looks but my friends were always favoured over me. When I look back in pictures it is clear they were much more attractive than I. As I’ve grown older I’ve noticed it less but it still happens. FWIW I’m popular and have lots of friends but that initial reaction is often more negative
My old friends are now finding it hard as they age and their looks fade that they aren’t received more enthusiastically

[NeedToKnow101]

I get it with my more attractive friends too. Once a security bag quickly swapped sides so he could search my very pretty friend's bag rather than mine (not a euphemism). He actually saw my face drop and apologised.
It can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophesy. If I go for meals with these friends I take a back seat as I always expect the waiting staff to talk to them.

It could be lots of things OP including unconscious bias, racism, resting bitch face, body language, your perception, or people being intimidated by you being very attractive.

[NeedToKnow101]

Security guard, not bag!

[Christmasfairy2020]

Body language and smiling. Hair down, dotn cross your arms

[Valkadin]

I’m mixed race and have never had this issue if anything people gravitate toward me and I’m a bit of an introvert so it can be a pain.
The problem with all these sort of posts is we have no idea what you look like or your resting face. One of my other sisters is the same personality type and also quite introverted. People always love her. The youngest is very in your face and not an introvert in the least, she has always struggled to make and keep friends. She is incredibly bossy and has to be in charge.

[Gregariousfox]

I have this as well.I'm very smiley but I have a big nose, darkish skin and I'm not particularly confident. I'm not sure which of these puts people off but it's frustrating when people snub you for no reason other than their prejudices. It doesn't help with the social confidence, either.

You seem like a nice, friendly person so I'm sure people warm to you once they get past that but I agree, it's shit.

[OwlOne]

If you are the least attractive person at yr table, the waitress/waiter will look at you the least. Have been in this situation

[Nottherealslimshady]

I honestly dont know, I hope it's not a race thing, it just seems so backwards that people have it so ingrained in them.

I think I have the opposite issue, people always try and talk to me and always sit next to me on buses. I'm autistic and would rather just be left alone. I think its because I look weak and non threatening, or maybe people think I look uncomfortable that no ones talking me, when really I'm anxious that someones going to talk to me

[IrmaFayLear]

I agree that as per OP’s example - the door greeting - then which side you are on makes a good deal of difference. Even an advert in a newspaper will cost more on the right-hand side than on the left.

Otherwise some people do tend to have the X factor, and others the Z factor, regardless of attractiveness or any other factor. My friend used to complain that her dsis would find friends everywhere, and even got talking to a woman on a train who invited her to holiday with her in her house in Cannes. Meanwhile friend and I agreed that we could travel the world twice round and no one would even say good morning.

Some years ago dd invited a classmate to tea and the mother - the mother - said no thank you because her dd “thinks you have a scary face” . I was beyond mortified and totally crushed but had to do the “ha ha, it doesn’t matter” laugh.

[darthbreakz]

I love how for everyone it couldn't possibly be racism.

I think ethnic ambiguity (if that's applicable to you) can make it doifficult for people to sterotype you (and we love to stereotype - especially women).

But this "not being taken as the professional" shit is something Black and Brown people have to deal with all the time.

[Shadeslayer]

I have resting bitch face too I've worked hard to change it to the point I automatically smile at everyone now everyone says I'm lovely. Not a thing has changed but the smile and open body language.

[EatPrayYoga]

I also assume it's to do with your body language or how welcoming you seem

[Ffsseriously]

People gravitate to me, its because i like people, i dont even think if they will like me. I am interested in them genuinely want to make people smile and hear about them and their lives.

[Gwenhwyfar]

@OwlOne

If you are the least attractive person at yr table, the waitress/waiter will look at you the least. Have been in this situation

Don't waiters normally take people's orders in a certain order and just go around the table. I'm often the least attractive person at a table and have never had this.
Of course, if there are male waiters they will look at and flirt with any pretty young girls around the table, but I haven't noticed anything more than this.

[Gwenhwyfar]

I get this as well, but then I'm shy, so I suppose I don't actually want people to approach me. Even if it's my job and I have to paste on a smile and talk to them, I think people pick up on the fear in your body language. Even if it's just subconscious they'll see me trying to avoid eye contact.

The smile thing could be another one. I remember being in the middle of greeting people and a colleague saying "you have to smile". I was smiling! Obviously not enough so I'd have to do an exaggerated smile like an actor or something.

[LadyOfTheImprovisedBath]

Could be unconsious bais or where you stood.

I don't know - I'm white as a a teen and before kids this would have been me.

I do smile though - in fact been told off for smiling too much - it's usually a stalling tatic as I think there's a processing delay with my speach processing. I do have dyspraxia though and was bullied in school so that probably played a part with my body language.

I am a very smiley, bubbly person and I find people respond well to me in everyday life, when asking for things in shops, getting doors held open (and no, I'm 50, not a 25 year old stunner).However, once in the workplace, although superficially I find it easy, I've found that doesn't translate to really good working relationships or getting asked to participate in big projects all the time
I've had this and apparently I'm giving out "MUM" vibes - so people are nice and think me approachable but beyond that nada.

Obvioulsy may well not be the case with the example here but that's what my issue apparently is.

[Marmunia1975]

I doubt it's race related. One of my best friends is very 'black' - think Grace Jones and everyone says she is stunningly beautiful. She has amazing skin etc.

[SurreyHillsGirl]

You could be intimidating and not be aware of it.

I am told I'm intimidating. I am not, I am friendly and warm but I guess I could 'appear' intimidating to some (attractive and 'well dressed', I just have a certain 'look'!).

Doubt it's race, one of my best friends is mixed race, people love her and v much gravitate towards her. She is a little over 5ft and the opposite of 'intimidating'. She radiates warmth and fun.

[contactusdeletus]

I have poor eyesight and struggle to focus on people. It took me years to realise that people were interpreting this as a sort of judgemental snobby look. They thought I was a bit up myself.

While I, like you, was in agonies wondering why no-one liked me.

It's still an issue. As other posters have said, I've learned to overcompensate with body language and my tone of voice. I hate feeling like I have to be this hammy just to create a good impression, but sometimes it's necessary.

And other times, I just can't be arsed. If people like me, they like me, and if they misjudge me it's their loss. I appreciate it takes time to get to that stage though, and even when you do you can have wobbles. You have my sympathies

[Storyoftonight]

This thread is fascinating. I find it odd that the most likely theories are race or being too attractive!

[jessicagrace1972]

Wow, I've just got in from a day out with my kids, will do bath and bed time and respond properly later, thank you for all the responses

[OwlOne]

It is not human nature to look AWAY from an attractive face so i find that suggestion a bit tedious.